The Slow Burn of Family Grief

I met Marie when we were in college. We hit it off and as soon as I graduated and got a job, we married. Seven months later, Julie was born. Timing was, well, let's say fortuitous. The problem was that we were unprepared for a baby, uncertain employment, and lots of other issues. My Mom and Dad were great, we lived with them for a couple of years while we got our shit together.

I saw pretty quickly that teaching Maths and Physics was not going to be enough, Marie would have to work as well, and while I didn't mind her working, I wanted to do better for her and Julie. Looking around, I spoke to one of my old Professors and he told me that they were always looking for Civil Engineers. I had already gained a number of the course requirements for another degree, but I would need two years of intense Engineering studies.

Studying full time and working part time is not easy, but I did it. Marie worked full time, Mom looked after Julie until Sean came along. Okay, we got careless and the condom broke. Mom really did step up, Marie went back to work, I kept working and studying.

Within weeks of graduation, I had a new job. It was great, I was away for a couple of weeks and back home for a week. It wasn't an easy job, by any means, but I actually liked it a lot more than teaching. Apparently I developed a lot of good relations with everybody on the job, and soon learned that I could be promoted to more responsibility on the job, with more pay. Really handy with a wife, two kids and now a house to pay for. This last was made easier with Marie also getting a new position with more money and more responsibility. The kids were growing and before I knew it, were of school age.

I was involved in several projects, working closely with architects and senior project managers, contractors and sub-contractors. My employer liked me, always an important point, and started giving me more and more responsibilities. I found myself on job sites for weeks at a time, sorting problems. Usually these were the sub-standard work types of problems and I got a reputation for being a hard ass. My motto being "do it right the first time, save someone a fuck ton of grief in ten years."

There were tenders to be made, and I was asked to review a few at home. Sometimes corners were cut, but on big jobs, you really can't because it will cost you dearly. Reputation can be a huge part of a contract, and a good reputation always critical for big contracts. This meant that I was often on the road, away from home, so it shouldn't have been a surprise when I came home unexpectedly, wanting to surprise Marie and found her in a position she should not have been in. On her back, with a young stud buried deep between her legs.

The subsequent divorce wasn't an issue, she agreed to buy me out of the house, she had a great job working full time, a lot of it from home, and I agreed to pay a reasonable amount of child support for the kids. Her income was more than enough to cover a re-written mortgage with that extra child support. Clearly we had been drifting apart, but I was too tied up in work to notice. I really did make an effort with the kids, school plays and sports and such, when I could. Julie was far more understanding than Sean, him being something of a sports focused, self-centered brat then, I wasn't surprised.

My employer gave me a project to manage, a large swimming and gym complex, to be chief engineer on in another State. I did that, and after that, they gave me another, a rebuild of a college football stadium. And another and another. I went home for the kids birthdays, they would come to me wherever I was for part of their vacation times, and the years passed. Julie was a Senior at high school, a cheerleader and eighteen years old. Her brother, a sophomore and grown up a bit, was on both the JV football and baseball teams, and was looking good for the Varsity teams.

Going over a site, when no-one was working, checking some of the work done, I wasn't happy, and my cell went off. It was Julie. I was a thousand miles away and wouldn't see her until summer vacation, but it wasn't that unusual to hear from her. "Hi gorgeous, how are you?" I said.

"Dad!" I could tell from her tone she was seriously upset, boyfriend probably.

"Julie, what's wrong?"

"Dad-" She stopped, this was serious, she was normally in control of herself. "Dad-,"

I waited and heard her crying. my heart melted. "Come on Jules, tell me, what's happened?"

"It's Mom, she- she's-"

I felt the blood drain out of my face, "She's what, Jules?"

"Mom is d-d-dead!" Julie cried.

There was a voice in the background, I couldn't quite make out what it was saying but sounded like a male voice.

"Hello, Mister Johnson," this man said.

"Yes, I am."

"Officer Wilton from the Pasadena PD," he said, "I understand that you are Julie and Sean's father."

"Yes, that is correct," I replied, trying hard to keep Julie's news inside.

"I regret to inform you that Marie McCallister passed away a few hours ago."

"How? I mean how did she pass?"

"The first responders are suggesting that she had a stroke of some description. Julie was saying that she was complaining of a headache last night, took a couple of Tylenol and went to bed early."

"Then why are the police there?" I asked.

"I assure you it is normal procedure with an unexpected death, Mr Johnson. Under State law, we must attend and an autopsy will have to be performed to determine the exact cause of death."

I took this in, realizing that there was nothing I could do from here. "Okay, I'm in Portland, working here. I'll be there soon as I can get a flight down. What's happening with the kids now?"

"Julie is talking about contacting her grandparents, and maybe stay there for the next few days, until some other arrangements could be made. I assume you would be the 'other arrangements'?"

"Oh yeah, for sure. Thanks for that. Okay, can you put Julie back on, please?"

"Sure."

The cell phone was handed to Julie who was still sobbing. "Hey girl, I'm going to need you to be strong for a few days, can you do that, love?"

"I-I-I - I can try," she replied.

"Okay that's my girl. Now I'll ring Grandma, and they should be there soon. If I can get a flight today, I'll see you at Grandpa's this evening. I'll let Grandma know, okay?"

"Y-y-y-es Dad!"

"Look after Sean, he's not as tough as he like to think he is, so you be strong for the both of you."

"I-I-I will, Daddy!"

"I love you, big girl, and I'll be there as soon as I can."

"O-okay Dad, love you too."

She hasn't called me Daddy in many years. Fuck. I knew Marie wasn't dating, the last guy was a real asshole, according to the kids, so she would have been alone. Now the kids are alone too and I am stuck on a job. First thing, call Mom. A boy always knows to turn to Mom and Dad when trouble hits. I let them know and their first thoughts were to get the kids and give them a place to stay. Knew that was gonna happen. They're the absolute best.

Called my Construction Boss and let him know I was not going to be around for a while, then called my Company Boss and let him know what happened. His response was that the Company owed me some three weeks leave, so put the plane tickets on the Company account and see you in about three weeks. If I needed more time, then let him know. He didn't have to do that, but he did anyway, good guy to work for. Called the airline and got a flight that evening. Have to rush, but it's doable.

Landing in LAX I called Mom and found that the kids were with them in Pomona, not sleeping, not happy and were waiting for me. I spoke to them and told them I would be an hour and a half, but they were going to be patient or try and get some sleep. I had a hire car waiting for me, an Uber wasn't going to help this trip I thought.

When I got to my folk's home, where I grew up, it was just after midnight. The door opened and Julie was there, Sean right behind her. Ever been rushed by a couple of people, one a running back? I barely kept my feet as they wrapped themselves around me. They had been crying, and were still sobbing, well, what did I expect, stoicism? Not likely. They had me in tears, and their Grandma, standing on the porch, gave me that very brief look of parental approval, followed by that one that says, buckle up buddy, you're needed.

I unwound them from me, and grabbed my bag out of the car. We walked to the house where I greeted Mom and then Dad, condolences all round, the usual noises. I know sounding callous here, but the reality is that Marie and I had little do with each other for years. Our only contacts were the kids. Neither of us remarried, both of us had other people in our lives from time to time, and, for me, it was more like I had learned of the passing of a friend from College I hadn't had much to do with since. I was more upset that the kids were upset at the loss of their mother and being there, with them, is the only thing I can do for them right now.

It had been a long day for all of us and Mom and Dad had set bedrooms up for us, but Julie didn't want to be alone. Mom and Dad went to bed and the three of us sat on the sofa, Julie on my left and Sean on my right. I had my arms around them with Sean leaning under my armpit while Julie was the same. I had draped my arms over them, holding them close, but being very mindful of where I was touching them.

They were exhausted, as was I and soon we were all asleep, all fully dressed, on the couch. Some time am, it was dark, I woke up as something touched my left wrist. Half asleep I didn't worry about it, not thinking, I felt my hand being pressed into something soft. When I realized what it was, I woke with an adrenaline start. Did Julie just put my hand on her breast?

I jumped up, waking Sean and Julie jumped up, crying, "What? We were sleeping and you just jumped up!"

I was, I must admit, somewhat nonplussed, perhaps I was dreaming. It certainly didn't feel like it. Jeez, not something they needed right now. I shook my head, "Sorry to startle you guys, bad dream." I took a breath, "Sean, you head up to my old room and Julie, take the guest room."

"What about you Dad?" Sean asked.

"I can sleep here until the camp bed is set up, tomorrow," I replied, "Wouldn't be the first time I've slept on this old thing."

"'Kay," Sean still half asleep, wandering off, climbing the stairs.

Julie looked at me, "I want to stay with you Dad, always feel safe with you close."

I didn't really want an argument at this time of the morning, so I caved, "It's getting a bit cool, I'll get us a couple of blankets." I found the blankets in the old hallway cupboard, same place they were when I was growing up. I handed one to Julie and draped the other over myself as I sat. Sitting on the couch Julie snuggled into me, pulling my blanket over herself. I must admit I was more than a little uncomfortable right now.

"I love how you smell, Daddy, how you've always been so patient with us. I know you couldn't be with us, Mom made it clear as to why, but that's okay, you're here now."

"Mom told you why, did she?" I asked, quite cynically.

"Oh yes, she told me she was fucking around and you caught her."

I was absolutely shocked. I had never heard Julie drop an F-bomb before, but also she made it a double whammy. Marie had actually told her the truth.

"Oh yeah, Mom and I had a very special relationship, we were completely honest with each other. She loved you, even though you were divorced. She really felt that she never deserved you in her life." That did surprise me, what else were they talking about? Julie came close and hugged me, again. "I know you're going to have to go back to work, and we'll stay here with Grandma and Gramps, but that's okay. We know you'll come when you can."

My eighteen year old daughter was already deciding things like this? When did that start? She was compliant as a kid, to a point. If you could explain stuff to her reasonably, she would listen, otherwise, no chance. I guess she's grown up a lot, but then, I haven't been there so why am I so surprised? Marie's death has hit me more than I would have thought, so fuck it, I am rambling now so shut up and get some sleep.

Light filtered into the lounge where, as I woke, and I found myself in the uncomfortable position of having my daughter's face in my lap, staring at my morning wood. How did that happen? I had sat up and allowed Julie to stretch out a bit, as she was leaning into me, but sometime though the night she must have slid down and rolled onto her other side, landing face first in my lap. How did that not wake me?

Without thinking, I tried to move, but woke her instantly. She muttered something and buried her head right onto my cock. She must have noticed something because she started shaking her head slowly. I did feel that familiar tingling of excitement in my hard cock, but this was wrong, just wrong. I pushed the feeling down and moved. Julie's head seemed to go deeper onto my pelvis and I am sure I felt something squeeze my now rock hard dick. She lifted off me and I stood, my erection clearly outlined so I turned away from Julie and made my way to the bathroom.

Returning, much relieved, I heard the coffee pot going, and the sounds of sizzling bacon. Julie saw me and quickly ran out the kitchen with a "Keep an eye on the eggs," as she made a dash for the bathroom. I really don't know how she did it, an unfamiliar kitchen and she's been busy. Looking around I could see there was toast, beans, eggs and bacon all being prepared. I left the eggs until they looked like how done they should be, just as Julie returned. The bacon was crispy ready, the toast ready, the beans heated, Heinz beans, didn't mind an English breakfast at all.

Julie dished it up and sat me at the table, just as she had been doing whenever they would come to me, for years now. Marie always told me that someone who knows their way around a kitchen will never go hungry. I'm not a bad cook, just didn't always have time for it. Really only cooked when the kids were there, most of the time it was store bought or home delivered, it's just easier to heat something in the microwave. Lazy, I know, but it's convenient.

Sean came down the stairs, and knowing her brother, Julie already had a plate for him. Can't resist the smell of bacon, she told me. That was how the Sunday started, and Julie kept it together all through breakfast. Mom and Dad joined us, but told us not to fuss and ended the discussion by going out. Dad's still working and Mom hasn't needed to work for more than a decade now, so she volunteers at the local library.

During the day the kids talked about their Mom, things they remembered, things they thought about what she did when she got it right. Things about what happened when she got it wrong. There was a boyfriend, a few in fact, neither of them liked the last one, but he didn't last long, none of them did. There was a number of her women friends who they both liked, and a couple they didn't. There were some tears, some laughs, some stories. I pretty much let them go, get it out of their systems.

Mom and Dad came home, after replenishment, and conversation took a more practical turn. The kids wouldn't be going to school this week, which is okay, they both have outstanding grades. Neither have any important assignments due in the next week, and what work they need to accomplish can be done at home. We'll have to get their laptops and more clothes from home, but we can arrange that through the cops, according to what Officer Wilton told Mom last night. No issues there.

The rest of the day was spent trying to put some perspective on this whole, sad sorry event. During the week, I helped cheer the kids up when they were down, Dad worked, Mom went to her library three days. I did think about Disneyland, but they weren't easily distracted kids anymore.

We all spent some time talking to the cops, and Sean, as a minor, needed a parent there. The questions were cursory, only asking about the circumstances as best he could remember. Me, it was more about where was I, how did I get here and so on. Julie told me the same story, and essentially, they weren't treating this as "suspicious" so unless the autopsy turned up something wrong, it should only be a short time before the body is released for a funeral.

In the mean time, Julie didn't insist on sleeping on the couch again. My old friend, the camper bed, was set up in a spare room, where I was accompanied by a lot of accumulated memories, junk, and a wall of books.

The kids went back to school after a week, I hung about, taking them to school, picking them up in the afternoon. It was good to spend time with them, but I felt somewhat useless through the day, so I had to call my Company Boss.

I spoke to Mike, my Company Boss, and as I brought my laptop with me, he asked if I could go over a project they were making a feasibility study of. The major work had been done, so if I would review it and make sure that nothing big had been missed. Okay, I can be something of a workaholic, but Mike did tell me I was back on the clock, and they still owed me a week and a half vacation time. They had another project manager come in to oversee my job in Portland, so I needn't bother with anything there until I got back. Mike and I have been friends ever since I joined the Company, he was a good guy, very astute administrator. If you fucked up, he'll rip you a new one, but it was never referred to again, unless you fucked up the same way a second time. If you could defend your decisions, logically, with evidence, prove you were right, he'd also back you all the way. Most importantly, he's a good guy, no pretence, what you see is what you get, and easy to work with, consistent.

So I was busy during the day and could spend evenings with my family, something I hadn't done for a very, very long time. We quickly fell into a routine, Mom and Dad would go to bed, usually followed by Sean, and Jules and I would be watching something on dad's Netflix. Only when we were alone would Jules snuggle up to me, something I had not managed to avoid since that first night. After the first week or so, I'm not sure I wanted to avoid it, but we are alone and not likely to be interrupted.

One night the movie ended and I asked if there was anything else she wanted to watch.

"No, thanks," she replied, "I just want to talk to you."

"Oh? Sounds serious." I didn't really want a heart to heart, but better to get it over with.

"It's about Mom."

"Oh, okay."

"I told you the Mom never felt she was worth it, having you in her life." I nodded, "She also told me that you filled something, a void, if you like, in her that she never felt would be filled and after you broke up, she never thought it would ever be filled again."

"Look, Jules I appreciate you telling me this but I'm not sure I want to hear it." I really didn't, actually, "I loved your Mom, and coming home to her like that was such a shock, it basically wrecked me."

"She knew, and she always regretted it."

"How do you know?"

"I told you, we had a very special relationship and she never lied to me," Julie paused, "That's why I am telling you this now. This has to remain between you and me, Sean, Grandma, Grandpa and Grandma June or Grandpa Bill, or Uncle Hank can never know."

This was somewhat puzzling, what was she talking about? I nodded, "Okay, if it's that important."

"It is, because I want you to understand, I don't ever want to have to lie to you, ever."

"Okay," this is something important then. I assured her, "Between you and me then."

"Mom told me that you were a very straight shooter, a real stand-up guy, the genuine article. You never lied, you never took credit for anything anyone else ever did. You helped her develop some real honesty and value in her life, but her life was a lie."