Chapter 1
It was the summer I turned 18 when my life took a dramatic change. To say I was surprised, shocked and a little overwhelmed would be putting it mildly however I wouldn't have changed it for the world. That summer, my love for my Grandmother transformed from care giver ... to my teacher, my Goddess, my lover.
My name is Nicholas, but everyone just calls me Nicky. My mother Shannon gave birth to me at the ripe young age of 15. I never knew my father because of the simple fact that my mother never told anyone who he was. Not because he was some dirt bag or crap boyfriend, or an older married man or anything like that. It was just that my Mom didn't think he was capable of being a father at his age; which was the same as Mom's. Besides, she had more than enough love, fortitude and determination to raise me on her own. I never complained in the 10 short years I knew her because she was a great mom. She always had time for me no matter what was going on in her life. Whatever hardships she endured as a young, single teen mom, she never failed to let me know that I was loved and wanted. She was one of the strongest women I have ever known, though I couldn't recognize that fact until I was much older.
Despite being a young teen mom, she determinedly finished high school and got her college degree in business and accounting. She had been working at a local CPA firm on large corporate accounts and was doing rather well for herself when the world came crashing down on us. She was diagnosed with bone cancer right before my 10
th
birthday. The cancer was aggressive and progressed faster than the doctors could treat, and she died within 6 months.
We had been living with my grandmother Rachael who was rather well off, primarily due to the inheritance from my Grandfather's estate and a well-managed trust fund. It made sense for my mom and me to live with her. Not only did it allow my mom to not worry about rent, but my grandmother was also a ready and willing baby-sitter. In a sense, I had 2 mothers growing up, though Gran as I called her was careful not to overstep my mom's authority and only offered advice and assistance and of course love. After my mom died, it was only natural that I remained with her and she assumed the role as my primary guardian. There weren't any other close relatives, just some distant cousins thousands of miles away who showed little or no interest in us.
I say "primary guardian" because she never tried to take my mother's place. She was always careful to make sure I understood that fact and in keeping the memory of my mother alive in the mind of a young boy. I was crushed, as any young boy who lost his mom would have been and Gran was there to hold me when I cried and comforted me when I was angry at the world. Many nights I slept in her bed sobbing uncontrollably and Gran would just hold me close to her, stroke my hair and tell me that everything is going to be okay and that she loved me. I didn't find out until several years later that she had been in just as much pain as I was but held it in check, never letting me see her cry, choosing to keep her own grief private. I loved her more than I could express for that and our relationship was a special one. I didn't realize it at the time just how special it would become.
Now don't get me wrong, our life wasn't all unicorns and roses. We had our ups and downs like any family does, especially during my early rebellious teen years. When I turned 13 I started skipping school, hanging out with the "Bad" boys and drank whatever alcohol we could get our hands on. Hell, I even tried weed from time to time but never really cared for it. Even that young, I liked to be in control and marijuana made me lose control. The sudden loss of my mother, which had been totally out of my control, made me feel helpless and I swore that I would never let destiny, or fate, or whatever you called it out of my own hands again. Even when I drank, I never drank so much that I wasn't aware of my surroundings.
For 3 years I was ironically out of control. Not that I wasn't aware of my own actions, but by the fact that I wasn't going to allow anyone to tell me what I could do or not do. I was my own master; destiny was mine to make and no one or thing was going to change that fact. It nearly drove Gran frantic with worry and anger. She would always berate me about my actions, cry over me with worry, or try to find ways to channel my feelings towards more positive directions. I would just blow her off or something and say something stupid like "You just don't understand me." She never did hit me though. Even when I surely deserved it, she never spanked me, slapped me or used any type of corporal punishment. Which was why, when I was 15, I finally said the one thing that pushed her over her limit and she slapped my full on the face.
I was so shocked that I didn't even feel the pain. Gran had been giving me a serious tongue lashing about coming home several hours after my curfew and a little drunk. She was yelling at me and pointing her finger in my face. I had finally grown taller than Gran's 5'7" and was feeling my oats when I screamed the ultimate Faux Pax at her.
"Leave me alone, you're not my Mom!"
The next thing I knew my head was ringing from her full arm slap. Shocked that she had actually hit me I just stood there dumbfounded and looked at her. Tears formed in her eyes at her own surprise and I will never forget the look of utter sadness as she ran to her bedroom. Instantly sober and knowing deep down that I royally fucked up I just stood there for a few minutes trying to gather my thoughts. I slowly went to her room and stood outside her door not knowing what to say as I heard powerful sobs coming from the other side. Reaching slowly to open the door I saw Gran lying on her bed and clutching something close to her chest as tears streamed down her face and her breasts were heaving from the crying. Guilt instantly overwhelmed me and I quickly went to her and grabbed her into the biggest hug I could manage saying,
"Gran don't cry, I'm sorry...I'm SO sorry."
She instantly wrapped her arms around me and gripped me tightly, nearly crushing me. It was then that I saw that what she had been clutching to her chest was a picture of my mother. As if struck by lightning, instant understanding crashed through my thick skull and I suddenly realized that Gran has been missing Mom just as much as I did but never let if show. She kept up a strong faΓ§ade in front of me. Trying to comfort me through my own pain and anguish was more important to her than her own. Even after 5 years, the pain of loss was as fresh to us as if it happened yesterday. I had lost my mom by now I finally understood that Gran had lost a daughter. Tears started to roll down my cheeks, but I kept my pain quiet, choked in my own sobs as I stroked her hair and said that everything was going to be okay and that I loved her. We stayed like that for hours, finally falling into an exhausted sleep while holding on to each other for fear of loss.
She and I had a long talk the following morning over breakfast about what had happened the previous night. We talked about Mom a lot but also about what was going on in each other's life. Not necessarily the big important issues, but little ones as well. It was like a dam opened inside of me and I suddenly realized that I had not just another mother, but also a friend I could confide in. Someone who would listen to me. Someone I could share my worries and doubts to. Someone I could receive comfort from and in turn, offer my own. Someone who could tell me I was being a jerk without hurting my feelings and I could tell her she was being silly, and she wouldn't take offense. Gran became the most important person in my life and I suddenly feared that if I somehow lost her to, then the last thing I would remember was being a jerk towards her. That afternoon we visited my Mom's grave and left a bouquet of roses propped against her headstone. For only the second time I could remember, she openly cried for her daughter as she rested her hand on Mom's tombstone. I put my arm around her and cried myself. Our shared grief somehow eased our sorrow and both of us now knew that we weren't alone. Gran finally stood up and looked at me with a smile then said,
"I'll give you some time to be alone with her." Then turned towards the car.
As Gran was heading back to the car I stayed behind looking at Mom's headstone. The pain of loss came crashing on me again fresh as the day it happened but also realizing that I had someone to share it with and THAT made it a little more bearable. Right then and there I promised to Mom that I would straighten up my life, that I would take school more seriously but most importantly, that I would never, EVER, make Gran cry like that ever again.
Chapter 2
It was at my 18