The Fourth Iss

Break ups always sting in one way or another. Whether it's your first love or someone you have spent decades with, you're losing something that was a significant part of you and it's inevitably sad. Even when it's the right decision. I dedicated almost all of my twenties to my fiancé and now it was over. We were both to blame and yet as we called it quits neither of us were mad. We were just sad. We tried and we failed.

I don't know if my heart was quite broken. We had been on the ropes for a while so that final conversation pulling the plug was little more than a formality. I had probably already accepted we were done and started the process of healing but it was still emotional to say goodbye and know it was over.

Maybe it hurt more because I was 29 years old at the time. We had been engaged for two years and trying for a baby for even longer than that and it just didn't happen. At least we weren't married so we didn't have to deal with a divorce. But there was a certain ache in my heart knowing I was going to have to start again and go through the ups and downs of a relationship all while knowing I was being chased down by the biological clock. I wanted to have kids and it was only going to get more difficult.

I was enjoying a weekend long rotting session when mum decided to stop by to try and drag me out of the mud. I must have looked awful with my eyes red and puffy from crying. My hair was a mess and I was barely sleeping but mum always knew how to make me feel better when I was at my lowest. I felt like we were good at doing that for each other.

I love my mum so much. Her name's Colleen and she's 53 years old, but she was fifty at the time of my breakup. She works for an electronics company running the phones, though she was a stay at home mum for the first 15 years of my life. She was always such an open and honest and cheery person, insisting that me and my younger brother seek out what makes us happy and try to experience life and love in the most passionate ways we could. Her and dad engaged in way too many public displays of affection but her openness about sex and relationships were so helpful to me as I grew into my own sexuality.

There's also an illicit history between mum and I which plays into what happened on that night a few years ago, so I should tell you all about that and set the scene. Funnily enough, the events of ten years prior followed a break up as well.

Mum and dad's divorce announcement surprised everyone. It seemed like they were still as in love as they had ever been and then overnight they were done. My brother and I used to wonder if one of them cheated but they chose not to tell us so we wouldn't think badly of that person, but the truth is that they just fell out of love. Something I couldn't truly understand all that well until it happened to me.

Mum was definitely heartbroken back then. I was 19 at the time and we were best friends. Mum had no sisters, my grandma lived on another continent and my brother couldn't help like I could so I took centre stage in her recovery and barely left her side. We had girls' night after girls' night watching movies and doing each other's hair. My only goal was to help and rebuild her confidence but along the way the most incredible thing happened. I started to develop feelings for her. It's hard to explain and after our short fling I spent a decade wondering how it all came to be but the truth is that it's difficult to explain why you felt something, but the feelings are there all the same. I just loved her and I wanted to be there for her and after she spent my whole life deifying love as the centre of the universe I suppose she inadvertently centred herself as the person most worth loving.

Now that word I used -- fling -- it probably comes with high expectations, but the truth is we only ever kissed and we only did it three times. I suppose the truth is she only kissed me. I did other things, minor things, but they didn't push mum any closer to jumping into bed with me.

The first kiss happened a few months after the break up. She had more good nights than bad ones by that point, but she had an argument earlier that day with dad that set her back a little bit and she was more emotional. Over the course of a few hours I put a smile back on her face but in doing so I made her cry again, this time because she loved me so much and she couldn't believe how good I was being to her. I told her that I was only giving to her what she had given to me for my entire life. I ended up holding her head tight to my chest and kissing her head. She told me she could hear my heart and that completely innocent line set me off. I moved my kisses to her cheek and told her she was the best mum in the world and about how much me and my brother loved her and each time I pecked her cheek she smiled more until I planted my lips on hers.

She didn't push me off or recoil in horror so I kept kissing her. It wasn't frantic or sloppy or anything like that. It probably lasted about two minutes. Just slow and delicate kisses but the feeling of her soft lips on mine was enough to fill my heart forever. I remember she was wearing a nightie that evening and towards the end of the kiss I moved my hand down and placed it on her thigh. I tickled the skin ever so slightly for a moment before she pulled back and fell back into the couch. I could have kissed her again but I didn't. I hesitated too long and broke the silence with an apology. She told me it was fine and that she loved me too and I was the best daughter she could have ever asked for. I didn't know what to do afterwards so we sat silently and watched the television.

A few days later we had our second kiss. After the first I didn't think there would be a second. We spent a bit of time apart but she had a bad day and asked me to come around and watch a movie. I was paying for university halls at the time but spending so much time at home to be with her. We didn't talk about the kiss but I convinced myself her cuddles were more affectionate than usual and her hand was higher up my stomach than usual. A few more inches and it felt like she might be able to give one of my boobs a squeeze. I ended up rolling onto my side to cling to her a little more, looking up at her every so often to see if she was taking notice of my closeness. When she tilted her head downwards at one point our eyes lingered on each other a second too long for me and I kissed her again.

This kiss was a little faster and noisier and wetter. We had survived the first so what could stop us now? I pushed my tongue into her mouth and they danced together for a short while. I lifted a leg over her waist and almost straddled her, pushing her down into the couch as I really tried to show her how much I wanted this. I felt her hands on my hips and grinded gently into her crotch. I think it lasted a good five minutes all told but she slowed down and I didn't want to force anything too quickly so I matched her pace until it came to a stilted end. There were a few more pecks and still no talk of what we were actually doing and then there was nothing but hopes of a third kiss.

That third kiss came about a week later. It was the most inevitable kiss of my life. Things with mum seemed different that night. We actually got dressed up and went out. She looked incredible in a mid-thigh black dress and was so complimentary of my own mini skirt and crop top look. She was 40 years old then and my biggest crush and for someone who had never been with a girl and didn't have any previous incestuous feelings it was all so much but the energy between us that night was off the charts. There were so many times it felt like we were a moment away from making out in public, and in the taxi home even just the feeling of our legs pressed together was making me warm. I couldn't wait to kiss her again. I knew it was coming and that I would make the next move.

It happened in the bathroom. I was a bit drunk so I don't remember it perfectly but I made the move and we kissed passionately. It was everything our second kiss was and more. Our bodies were pressed together tightly and I backed her into the sink, her arse resting against the porcelain. We kissed excitedly as if we both spent the whole night waiting for this moment. I made my move, reaching for the sides of her dress and pulling it up and over her bum where it tightened around her wider hips. I felt the fabric of her knickers when my hands slid back down, and then she stopped me. We were on the verge of a breakthrough, but she took my hands and slowed me down, bringing the kiss to what felt like a premature end.

Nothing happened after that night. We never really talked about it either and we clearly should have. I took a step back at the time and waited to see if she would make the next move. I wanted her to be comfortable. Not long after that she tried to rekindle her relationship with dad and though it didn't work out it felt like a natural stopping point for our relationship. I wanted it so badly but it just didn't work out. I met my future fiancé not long afterwards and moved on with my life. There was always the feeling that I missed out on something but I built a life I loved and though mum never seemed to date anyone over the next decade, she was clearly happy. We kept a strong relationship and found it easy enough returning to normal and I never allowed myself to regret giving it a try.

I never would have thought that ten years later and after a breakup of my own, there would finally be some answers and most importantly, a fourth kiss.

After finding me in a state she quickly got to work, telling me to take a shower while she did some cleaning up of the living room I had turned into a pit. She set out pyjamas on my bed while I soaked the misery off myself and had all the rubbish packed away and in the outside bin by the time I made my way back downstairs with fresher skin and freshly shampooed hair. It had been a few days since I felt so clean. "I wasn't this bad, was I?" she teased me.

"You cried more. I just made a mess." I snapped back, and we both laughed.

"I can see those eyes Sophie. You can't trick me." she said, and she was right too. "Are you hungry?"

"No." I assured her. "One of those takeaway boxes you threw out was from tonight." I helped her with a few more chores before we settled down on the couch. The TV was on but the volume was left low as I told her about the final talk with Darren.

The truth is that mum was a woman on a mission than night, and it wouldn't take long before she put her plan in action. "Do you know what you need?" she started when I joked about my fear of opening an account on a dating app and going through the talking stage all over again.

"What's that?" I asked.

"You need a hot younger babe to make a move on you, kiss you and make you feel pretty again." She said it so calmly that I almost didn't process it at first, but it had actually happened. For the first time in ten years, mum was talking about the time when I kissed her. I'm not sure if my face dropped or if it went red while my eyes bulged out of my skull, but it was a surprise and the smirk on her face told me she was prepared for that reaction.

"Are you trying to embarrass me?" I said, trying to add a jovial inflection to my tone to try and break any tension the topic just brought to the surface.

"I'm messing with you. But it does help." She wasn't completely backing down, and her voice was still so light. There was no tension for her at all. She was comfortable sinking back into the topic after all this time. "I can't put into words how much you helped me."

I wasn't sure exactly what to say and I didn't get the chance to speak next either. "Can I tell you something?" she asked, and she continued after my nod of approval. "I'm bisexual." I didn't expect this to be a coming out party for my mum one bit, but that was only the beginning. I kept my eyes locked on her, fascinated by the change in her. We had spent a decade acting as if it didn't happen and now it was the talk of the town. "I'm bisexual because of you. I was so attracted to you. I still am. You changed everything for me when you kissed me. I have never felt anything like that in my life."

I was stunned. My skin was cold and I could feel goosebumps on my arms and legs, but I never stopped watching her. "Me neither."

"It was the most incredible experience of my life and I massively regret that it ended like it did." she said. She had wanted more? I couldn't believe it.

"Then why did you stop me?" I asked, suddenly keen to fight my corner.

"Because we were drunk. I don't regret stopping you. I just regret drinking that night. If we didn't drink who knows what would have happened." She reached out towards me and after a little hesitation I gave her my hand. I couldn't quite tell what I was feeling yet but her touch sent tingles down my spine. She was leaning in and I think I might have been leaning back ever so slightly, suddenly a shy girl who couldn't believe how history seemed to be repeating itself. "I was quite guilty about almost letting myself do it drunk so I took a step back and then your brother cried to me about the breakup with your dad and in my panic about my feelings for you I tried to bring the family back together."

"So it's his fault?" I said, somehow formulating a joke about my brother despite the stress I was under. It was a shame I couldn't talk to him about this and tell him he stopped me getting laid by being a crybaby.

"It's my fault." Mum insisted. "I wasn't ready. I felt guilty. I just needed a bit more time and then by the time I was completely sure of my feelings for you, you had a boyfriend and you were happy. You moved on so I did too."

"With girls?"

"And guys." she said. "But girls mostly. I had never felt more attractive in my life than I did back then when you kissed me. Despite everything that must have been telling you to stop you still showed me how much you loved me. I regretted so much that we never took it to the bedroom so I had to see what it was like to taste a pretty girl, even if they could never be you."

"Mum!" I almost yelled, clearly blushing now. "I can't believe you're saying this."

"What?" she laughed. "It's true!" I couldn't believe I made her like girls and then she spent the next decade fucking them to try and experience what it might have been like with me. "I can't believe I am saying it either but that's because I didn't expect you to break up with him after this long. I promised myself a long time ago that if it didn't work out between you two I would have this talk with you. I moved on the longer you lasted because I thought you would be together forever and I needed to accept that. It was also long enough that I tried finding a relationship of my own and moving on but nothing stuck. When you told me you were on the ropes I lay in bed and wondered if it had been too long. I remembered the way you kissed me. I remembered that night out we had." Her eyes were glistening and I couldn't look away. Her thumb stroked my palm softly and sent shivers up my arm. "We were all over each other. Even though we didn't kiss until we got home, the way I felt that night Sophie. I can't explain it."

"I know what you mean. I could never explain it either." I remembered that night so fondly as well. Now I was haunted by the ghost of what could have been if I went without alcohol.

"We don't need to explain it. We just know. The more I thought about it the more sure I was in my heart. I don't care if it's been ten years. I wanted you then and I want you now." She had shuffled a little closer during her speech, spilling her heart out for me and taking me back to the 19 year old girl who had loved her so much. I still loved her. I moved on, but that didn't matter now. Another breakup had given us a chance and she was there to take it. "Can I kiss you?" she asked, and I offered a gentle nod in return.

Her left hand went to my cheek and then she leaned in to press her lips into mine. Our fourth kiss. It was slow at first, just like our first. She pressed her face against mine, noses smudging together as she left small wet kisses on my lips. I could already taste her lipstick which was a dark red and sat on my tongue like cherry as I welcomed her into my mouth, her tongue flicking softly against my own. Each kiss left a smack in the air as I closed my eyes and sunk into the blossoming of love we had kept quiet for so long.

Her hand went to my thigh, just as mine had once slipped onto hers. But this time there would be no stopping us. Her nails dragged along my skin, dancing from left to right and then down to my knee, before rising up towards the bottom of my shorts. Did she pick these pyjamas randomly when she laid them on my bed, or were these the ones she wanted to take off me?

She moaned into one kiss as the intensity picked up. Her tongue lapped up mine eagerly and she remained in control until she backed up, licking my lips during her retreat. Seeing her eyes again now was different. The gentle shine from her reveal had been replaced by a red hot fire, her grip of my thigh tightening for a second as her thumb twirled under my shorts, inching higher. "Sit back." she said fiercely. She was in charge. I listened. When I did she lifted her leg over, straddling me just like I had done to her on our second kiss. But she didn't lean back in. She sat in my lap and put her hands on my ribs, softly sliding them down my waist until she found the hem of my vest top which she lifted up my body and over my head. I wasn't wearing a bra and she licked her lips as she tossed my top aside and imagined the possibilities.

"You are so gorgeous." she said, leaning down. She kissed my lips first, just once, before dropping to my clavicle. She left a few kisses there, before rising to my neck and sucking gently on my skin. I was so engrossed in that I didn't notice her right hand rise to my left nipple, taking it in her firm grasp and pinching it. I let out a near silent moan, but she noticed. "Did that hurt?" she asked, and I shook my head. "We should have done this a long time ago."

With that she sunk lower again, pressing her mouth into one of my boobs and sucking hard on the nipple. I couldn't really do much but revel in her desire for me. My own feelings for her never really went away but they still had to push themselves back to the surface and they were doing so fiercely. I had wanted this so badly and though it took so much longer than I might have expected, the endgame was near. I would be having sex with my mum. Her tongue flicked at my nipple which was now hard in her mouth and only when she was certain of that did she move to the next one, leaving soft kisses on my chest between each breast on her journey across. As I looked down and watched her suck and lick and kiss her way from one nipple to the other I feasted on the euphoria, a whole decade in the making.

When she broke free from my breasts with her mouth, she replaced her lips with her hands and began to knead and massage the two of them as she dragged me into another kiss. "I want to taste you." she said between kisses, our lips smacking together louder than ever before. "Would you like that?"

"I would." I whimpered into a final kiss, before she lifted a leg off me and got to her feet.

"Take your shorts off." she ordered, taking a bobble off of her wrist and tying her shoulder length brunette hair up at the back of her head. It was untidy and a few strands came loose, which she tucked behind her ears. I followed her instructions, hooking my thumbs into the waistband of my shorts and pushing them down my legs. Just like my top half there was no underwear to be seen, revealing all of myself to my mum in one as I kicked the shorts off onto the floor. I was overwhelmed and fell well short of my mum's experience with other women but I wasn't shy about my body. I didn't close my legs to save my innocence for a few seconds longer, instead letting them fall apart as I turned on the couch and rested my head on the armrest.