The Favour

I always thought that my brother, Daniel, has everything perfect. Perfect home, perfect wife, perfect job and many more little and not so little perfect things. So, when I received his voicemail this morning saying that he tried contacting me because he needs to talk to me about something very important, it surely spiked my curiosity as well as concern. Daniel and I are close enough to share sibling bond, yet not that close to be like best friends who tell one another everything. I should most probably note that we are twins. And, contrary to the popular myth, we are actually two separate individual mature adults who had been together just for those 38 weeks sharing a uterus and, most probably, annoying the crap of our mum by trying to kick each other's butts. We were never dressed same, fed same or treated as if we were one person. Our parents happily raised us as individuals with own traits, characters and personalities. Maybe this is why we tend to get along well not only as kids, but also as teens as well as adults.

Anyways, for Daniel to just out of sudden to have such a

need

to talk to me - it must be serious. I packed my work stuff and left the office earlier. After all, it's Friday and no one is really in the mood to work. I know I maybe should have rushed home and called Daniel to let him know I'm home and ready to talk, but something in me kind of stepped on brakes. I hesitated to go home. Not because I didn't want to though, au contraire, I

love

my home. It is my safe haven, my happy place, my secret den. On my way home stopped at the grocery store to grab few things knowing that my fridge is as empty as church on a weekday and, since Daniel obviously has something serious to say, it's better to have something to munch on. Wasn't sure whether he'd be in the drinking mood though, but just in case grabbed a bottle of JD.

Got home, changed and was about to make a cup of coffee when my doorbell went off. I knew it was him. Opened the door and was greeted by this handsome man. Yes, I always thought Daniel was damn handsome. Tall, broad shouldered, with perfectly trimmed stubble, deep brown eyes and short sexy messy hair. His abs and body were toned to catch your eye and he didn't really bother hiding it. All those hours in the gym paid off both at his younger years as well as now. He would always be dressed smart casual, just enough to show off the glimpse of his muscles and ink. Yes, Dan had ink. His arms and torso were inked with Nordic themed imageries and that added another

ugh

to this whole look. He also had his ears and nipples pierced. I thought it was a bit

meh

at first but then kind of grew to like and even find it attractive. Now, in his mature age, he would always keep posture and status, radiate confidence, determination and leadership. So yes, Daniel was a very handsome guy as a teen, young adult and now even more so with his mature charm adding to the overall personality.

Even as teenager and young adult, he had many girls throwing themselves at his feet. What was my role in all this? Glad you wondered. Well, as a sister, I had my...let's say...

influence

on what girl she could (and sometimes, should or shouldn't) date. His current and potential girlfriends (yes, he had few at a time) would try to become my besties since I was the one who Daniel prioritised at the time and they were trying to hang out with me in hopes that I will put a good word for them to my handsome brother. Now it seems totally stupid and ironically hilarious, but back then it was my ace to use as I wish and see fit.

"Hey, come in. Sorry I didn't answer your call. Got my phone on silent as was drowning in meetings this morning" I greeted him with a smile as he entered and I closed the door behind him.

"Hey" he said "Don't apologise. I knew you were at work." His calm posture and collected tone were something I always admired. A usual, he greeted me with a little peck on my cheek and I managed to get the glimpse of his scent.

"Shall we talk in the kitchen? I'll make some coffee. My brain cells dying for caffeine fix." I said as we walked in a spacious kitchen where he sat on a tall bar stool I had lined on the other side of the long counter.

"Thanks. Some caffeine wouldn't hurt" he said.

Daniel was never the one to show emotions or be overly affectionate, but this somewhat cold behaviour was also unusual. I made our coffees and sat next to him.

"Your voicemail sounded serious. What's going on?" I asked as my mind was begging for whatever it is

not

to be overly serious.

He deeply exhaled "Sandra, I have something to tell you and I want you to let me finish before you will ask questions."

I raised my eyebrow in a

'what-a-hell-are-you-taking-about'

manner.

"I will have questions?" I asked not fully sure I followed his thought here.

He looked at me "Oh yes, you will. Heaps of them. This is why I would appreciate if you let me finish first and then I promise I will answer them all and deal with whatever you will throw at me."

Ok, now this just got weird. What the hell was all this about and how can he be so damn confident about my potential actions? But this time curiosity took over and I nodded "Sure."

Daniel took a sip of coffee and wrapped his fingers around the cup as if that ceramic thing was his only saving grace. His voice, however, was smooth, deep and calm.

"For few years now, Laura and I were trying to get pregnant. And for few years now that didn't happen. It put a strain on her as well as me and our marriage. She always said she wanted a baby and that becoming a parent was the ultimate experience for anyone. I was not that sure. Not saying I didn't want to have kids, but I guess I was too focused on my degree, then career and now my job. We spoke about it long and hard and decided to try. That went nowhere. Both of us went through heaps of tests, medications, processes just to find out that our bodies reject each other. No matter how much I...we...you know...do it, her body is just slaughtering it all and we're back to square one."

I was taken aback. Never have I ever thought that he would be going through anything like

this

.

"I'm sorry, D." I whispered "I had no idea."

He raised his eyes towards me and replied with a small smile.

"It's not something you'd talk to everyone really" he continued in his soothing baritone. "We looked into IVF, adoption, surrogacy even. Fuck, those things are expensive. We would need to sell our house and move in with her parents to afford that and I'll be dammed if I live with them under one roof."

I was focusing on every word he was saying. Swearing was not something Daniel would do. So, it must really hit him hard to use the '

f

' word.

"Maybe...you could talk Laura to wait a bit. Until you properly establish yourself and then...think about...options." I was very careful with my words as that obviously was a sensitive topic for him and I fully respected that.

He took another sip of coffee and exhaled "I tried, Sandra. I really tried. Overall, I want kids, but I have just started getting into my career and I know I won't have time to give to a child because I'm now getting into the pace at work. I love what I do and I want to make it better for me...for us. We just got the house and all. And now...she started all this baby thing. I'd be happy with any alternative really, but the cost is just out of my reach at the moment. And even if we were to somehow pay for it, it would leave us with literally nothing and still unsure whether that will work. Just imagine bringing a child when you got nothing because you paid it all to...conceive."

Holy cannoli... I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Seemed like my sister-in-law really put her demand to have a kid. I must admit, I never liked her. She always wanted to be Daniel's

one and only

priority and assumed that he will drop everything and attend to her needs and wants...however irrational they were, I must add. First, it was pompastic wedding (like, chill honey, you're not Beyonce and Dan is not Jay-Zed), then it was a house in

that

area, with

that

view and

that

colour tiles and carpets, and now a child. Not sure what Daniel saw in her since she always been high maintenance only it got even higher as soon as they said 'I do'. I tend to think that at first he felt good knowing that he was able to maintain her (maybe to show off to his buddies that he has a trophy girlfriend or something to fill his void of proper relation which nobody cares about at that age). Being young and such. But with getting older and more mature, her demands and maintenance costs went sky-high. Laura definitely got older...yet not sure if she matured as her demands seem like she thinks she's a teen and has to get whatever she wants. And pronto!

We were sitting in my kitchen and Daniel's words were ramming my mind. Part of me fully understood where is he coming from; another part of me was surprised how he allowed himself to become so...manipulative. But then again, what do I know. I cannot give marital advice myself being not married nor knowing what's it like. And yet here I was, listening to him talk and showing my most sincere sympathy and compassion. I love him, I really do. I don't give a fuck about Laura though, but since he chose her...that leaves me not much choice but to tolerate her. Yes, that's exactly what I do - just merely

tolerate

her.

"What are you thinking of doing?" I asked him as he was sipping his now lukewarm coffee.

He finished it, put the cup on the bench and took a deep breath "There is one option for us to

try

to have a child."

For some reason, this statement did not come out with full enthusiasm. It was more like the last resort of them all.

"Well, at least you got one more option to try. Isn't it a good thing?" I tried to cheer him and show some kind of optimism. He looked at me. His gaze was so familiar, so warm and at the same time penetrating to my very soul.

"IVF, adoption and surrogacy are expensive options, but if we could find someone to carry a baby for us, someone we know and trust...this could be the only way" he said.

"D, do you realise what are you saying?! You cannot just go and ask your friend to carry a baby for you. It's insane!" I could not believe what I was saying but I just had to.

"I know it is insane! Do you think I'd even consider something like this without giving it a proper thorough thought? Laura and I spoke about this long and hard. We considered our female friends who might be potentially suitable, but none of them are that much of a friend to ask such a thing" he exhaled.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes "It's not exactly asking to borrow a car or watch your dog for a weekend, D. You are asking a woman to carry a baby for you! You cannot just randomly go and ask for something like this and just assume they will agree."

Daniel looked me straight in the eye "I know and fully understand that. And I wouldn't go and ask a random chick to do that."

That brought some relief and I smiled at him "Thankfully. You got me scared that you want

anyone

to do that."

He smiled back at me, but this time it was a

different

smile. "Don't be ridiculous. I'm not going to ask just anyone to do that. That's unreasonable. I was going to ask..." he paused, "

You

".

My heart sank. I was sitting frozen processing what he just said.

"Me?" I repeated in disbelief mixed with surprise assuming he is joking at this very odd moment to make jokes really. I raised my eyes at him repeating "Me?"

"Yes, you" he said in his soothing voice.

"You cannot be serious!" I said "I...how...why...fuck, I cannot even speak properly."

I stood up and started slowly pacing from one side of the spacious kitchen to another with my mind still digesting. Daniel was patient and calm. Sometimes I hated how calm he can be in certain situations when I would be going ballistic.

"D, do you understand what you are asking me? Do you understand how huge change and responsibility it is? Not to mention possible negative effects? I have a life, a job! Do you think I could just ditch it for 9 months and take a vacation?" it felt like word vomit was coming out of me and I didn't even try to stop it "Pregnancy, labour, post...whatever that is. It's crazy! What about possible complications? Did you think about that?"

Daniel kept his calm. "I know and understand it all" he said "I've done lots of research and spoke to many medical professionals. Don't worry, I didn't mention names or anything. I made it as a merely hypothetical scenario, but I was told that all this is relatively possible with no complications being the very first time."

I was still in disbelief. I mean, I surely wouldn't mind helping him, but

this

was the favour and a half here!

"Did you think of how something like this might affect me? My life? My health? My job? Do you realise what are you actually asking me, D? We're talking about a baby here. A

baby

!" another word vomit was coming out of me. "And what is Laura thinking about it all?" I asked reluctantly. I

had

to mention her. After all, she

was

a part of this too.

Dan didn't move nor got irate or upset. His eyes were following me wandering from one side of the kitchen to another. I didn't know what he saw or where he was looking, but I could clearly feel his gaze on me. Not as if I was pressured to answer now and then, but more like protective and seeking help and assurance gaze.

"She is aware I am talking to you now about...well...

this

. And she is aware that we cannot have a child at the moment any other way. Not until I get fully and properly settled with my job. And I also told her that we are not selling the house nor moving in with her parents. That is

not

happening. So, it was either nothing or...getting

you

involved" he said calmly. Fuck, how I hated and loved his calm and determination in these kind of situations. He was damn charming.

Now I started noticing a note of guilt in Daniel's voice. He was trying so hard to provide for her, give her everything she might want and need and even so it was not enough, because her last ambition was to have a baby at any cost possible. And now. Cause waiting meant to wait several years and it is not Laura's nature to be patient.

"Dan, you are already doing so much for her. Surely, she understands the situation with your job right now and that you just need some time. It's not like you will

never

ever have kids" I was trying to both ignore the favour I was asked as well as somehow, for fuck knows what reasons, make my pampered sister-in-law look better.

"I know, but we aren't getting younger, Sandra. And I wouldn't be asking you this if we didn't exhaust all possible other options" he said. "You don't have to answer right away, of course. Sleep on it. Digest. Talk to as many people as you want, do own research if you prefer. But please don't take too long to let me know your answer."

I slowly moved towards the cupboard and took a little shot glass. Grabbed and opened a new bottle of JD.

"Can I drink on it?" I asked and took a shot before he even had a chance to respond. The liquid went as if it was water. No effect. I guess my body and my mind were in too much of a shock at the time with the things I was hearing.

"Drink on it sounds even better" Dan smiled.

This was the smile of relief. Obviously, the pressure was too much to bear even for him and it was obvious that after letting it all out in the open to me, he was relieved. I could only imagine what must have been going through his mind being quite literally mentally

eaten

by the thought itself and also, I'm sure Laura's constant ramblings were adding to it all. So, no wonder enough was enough and he eventually took courage to actually spill it all on me tonight. And now he seemed relieved that it's now in the open.

Dan finished his now cold coffee and stood up. Walked towards me and gave me a hug. Brotherly, protective, thankful. His strong arms wrapped around my shoulders and I leaned into his shoulder. Been ages since I inhaled his scent and that was a lovely moment. He quickly placed a peck on my forehead with his lips and we parted.

"Thanks for being so cool about this, Sandra" he said with obvious gratitude in his voice. "Take your time and if you need anything or want to talk, always, and I mean, always, call me."

"I will really need some time to digest and process all this, D" I said in my numb blunt state even thought I wasn't drunk - it was a shock that has gotten me "Will keep in touch."

He left and I was alone in my secret den which was now filled with so many insane ideas and questions and suggestions that I didn't know where to start. It takes quite a bit to get me out of my shoes, but Dan asking for this kind of...

favour

...definitely hit the jackpot of my shock state.

For the next couple weeks, I was doing it all

not

to think about what Daniel asked

to

think about. Oh, the irony! Was occupying myself with work, social life, hobbies. I even joined the gym! Yet after that talk with him it seemed that something has changed in me. Every time I saw a pregnant woman, I was secretly wondering what's that like. This would never ever would have crossed my mind until then, but now...it had. I still keep in touch with Dan as per usual, but very purposely and reasonably avoided

this

topic and he was not mentioning it either. Obviously, respecting my time and awaiting my turn to have say on this, which I really appreciate and I'm grateful for.

I found myself thinking about all the 'ifs' and such. I caught myself paying more attention to mothers around me - something I never done in the past. Whether a woman was pregnant or with a child now looked

different

. I went into thinking

how

that could even be done. Surely Dan and his wife (it is amazingly ironic how I was avoiding using her name and just kept referring to her as 'his wife') have thought and spoken about it, so they must have option for this. But then again, how can they be so selfish putting such pressure on me. It's ok for them to go on with their lives, but it's me who is supposedly go through this and when they get what they want...it all will be over.

Not sure I was ready for such an experience. It was new, unknown, interesting, yet at the same time scary, amoral and...unreasonable. Even if I

was

to agree, how the hell was it all to start, happen and end? These questions kept circling in my head over and over again until I wasn't able to ignore them. It just got too much. Strangely enough, I started thinking about ways it could be done and it made me feel...weirdly curious. The idea if going along this was giving me mixed emotions; from it being absolutely amoral and inappropriate, to it being curious and somewhat tempting cause it was forbidden, unknown, teasing and...enticing.

The next day I called Dan and asked if we could meet to talk. He knew instantly what the

talk

was in regards to. With my tolerance gathered, I also asked him to bring his wife. After all, it concerned her too no less than Dan and myself. I purposely did not offer them both to come to my place - I did not tolerate Laura

that much

to allow her into my home. Dan was always more than welcome, but she...she can go and get stuffed as she is never entering my den. So, a local café seemed to be a good choice.

Daniel went into real effort to work this meeting around

my

needs. Time, date, place could have been on Mars, and he would have made it possible regardless. We knew in advance it will not be an easy talk, but nevertheless, I took the liberty to ask him to keep an eye on Laura and make sure she is

being reasonable

. That's how I worded it "Bring Laura too and make sure she's to be reasonable". I knew her enough as well as her stupid ambitions and tantrums and was not in the mood to deal with it. If it was up to me, I would have spoken with Daniel alone (and I am sure he would have agreed with that regardless), but now, I felt I had a little advantage, so was playing the bigger person by inviting Laura as well.