The Brewpub

(100% dialog)

"What a great way to spend 45 minutes..."

"Yes, making out with the perfect woman, and kissing her perfect pair of breasts."

"They are not even close to perfect, bro. Are you this way with every girl who lets you feel her up?"

"No, not with any of the other hundreds-- or perhaps thousands, or tens of thousands-- that let me run my hands and lips all over them back here. In this romantic getaway behind the fermentation vessels.

"Hundreds?"

"Would you believe dozens, tens?"

"Really?"

"No, actually Barb, you are the first, and very definitely the best of one."

"I'm not the best, even 'of one.'"

"Look, I'm no Don Juan, but I'm not a lovesick virgin trying to beg his way into your pants either. I just recognize you for who you are."

"Like you said in the note?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"That was sweet."

"I meant it."

"Mom thought it was weird."

"It was meant for you, not for her."

"Yeah, I know. But you should have handed it to me. Not slipped it under my door..."

"Well, you were pretty upset."

"I was. David was my first really, really serious relationship. We were discussing marriage, and look how that turned out."

"You locked the door."

"Did I?"

"And told me to go away when I knocked."

"Oh..."

"So I wrote the note and slipped it under your door."

"Mom found it."

"Yeah, she was all: 'you can't marry your sister.'"

"And I said: 'He can too if he wants to. He's eighteen, he doesn't need permission.'"

"Mom was like: 'Brothers and sisters can't have sex-- that's incest.'"

"And you said, 'Ew, who said anything about sex--'"

"I said, 'We could be like a normal married couple, share a house and vaguely remember having sex maybe once or twice in the far distant past, back before we got married.'"

"Same thing, except my version is shorter."

"Then mom lost it..."

"She says, 'Barb, I'll have you know that your father and I have a wonderful sex life.'"

"Did she really get the whole sentence out?"

"That's the way I remember it."

"I thought she got trapped in the middle. That she said enough that the message was conveyed to us without her actually completing the sentence."

"Yeah, she froze. But we asked anyway."

"You made the 'bang, bang, bang' sound on the kitchen's wood floor with your chair."

"You smiled... For the first time in a day or more..."

"Yeah, I did, but mom got sorta red."

"Like what's the big deal? They are active and happy. I say, 'more power to them.'"

"Bleep... bleep... bleep..."

"What's that?"

"It's the timer, I have to add the Irish Moss."

"I should put my blouse back on."

"No, please wait. This will just take me a minute. Then I'll kiss those magnificent mammaries and your perfect shoulders and neck again... If you'd like me to."

"You are crazy, these are not 'magnificent mammaries.'"

"No, sis, you are wrong, they are as perfect as you are."

"But, Tony, I'm not perfect."

"You are to me, Barb."

"Look, take care of the brew. Then come see me next door when you are able."

***

"Business is dead inside. C'mon, let's take a ride."

"Where?"

"Does it matter? So long as you are going there with me, little bro?"

"No, not at all."

"Here, read it and sign it."

"What..."

"Unless you don't want to."

"No. It's not that... I'm confused."

"Is it substantially what you wrote?"

"The middle is a paraphrase. The rest is exactly what I wrote."

"I don't give a rat's ass about David anymore, so I glossed over that part. Is what I remember substantially correct?"

"It's exact."

"Sign it, bro. I don't have the guts to ask mom for the original."

"It was more than a month ago. I imagine she threw it away."

***

"We have to find Emma."

"Emma?"

"Emma Thespen, my old drama instructor."

"You know sis, that statement only partially explains why we are at the community college."

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"Would you do anything for me?"

"Yes."

"Without asking what it is?"

"I said that I trusted you, Barb."

"Then get out."

"Okay..."

"It's on the first floor by the southwest entrance."

"Where it says 'Drama?'"

"Over there..."

"Hi Emma."

"Hi, Barb, I got your text, and frankly I'm--"

"This is my little brother Tony. Tony, this is Emma, Emma, Tony..."

"Tony, do you know why?"

"No, Emma, I'm just sorta rolling with it myself."

"This is perfect!"

"Yeah, we are doing 'To Kill A Mockingbird' this semester, why?"

"Here, would you mind wearing this and being the Judge?"

"I guess not."

"Tony stand here with me and face the Judge."

"I am asking for Specific Performance on a written promise, your honor."

"Anthony Focaccia?"

"Yes, your honor."

"Is this your signature?"

"Yes, your honor."

"Did you write this note?"

"Those are indeed my words, your honor."

"Please read the note-- out loud-- to the court."

"'Barb, David is a tool. Anyone with eyes and ears knows the kind of person you are. You don't need assholes like him in your life. You don't need people trying to manipulate you--'"

"Please, skip to the last two sentences."

"Yes... Uh... Your honor. 'I promise, you won't be alone. Shit, sis, I'll marry you if you want.'"

"Barbra Focaccia, do you accept the proposal of marriage that Anthony Focaccia just read into the court transcript?"

"Yes, your honor."

"Anthony Focaccia, do you take Barbra Focaccia to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"She is my sister, your honor, this is a community college rehearsal stage, and--."

"Yes, I am well aware of all that. The question that I asked you was: 'Anthony Focaccia do you take Barbra Focaccia to be your lawfully wedded wife?'"

"Well... Yes... Yes, your honor."

"You paused... Tony... Why did you pause?"

"I didn't think this was exactly legal, Barb."

"So, bro, you promised me something you knew you'd never have to deliver on?"

"No, Barb, it's not like that. I really want to... Like for real, I just know we can't--"

"Excuse me... I have an evening class, and you two will have the rest of your lives to bicker. I believe that I am the one wearing the fancy dressing gown here-- in a very fashionable black, to mourn the passing of King Charles the Second, I might add."

"Yes, your honor, I do."

"Barbra Focaccia, do you take Anthony Focaccia to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do, your honor."

"Then, by the power vested in me by the Regents of the Junior College Taxing District, I pronounce you husband and wife."