Part of me wanted to stop living the moment I heard the awful, awful news . . . but I couldn't. I had Elizabeth to think about. Although I had not legally adopted her, to me, she was like my daughter and, to her, I was her father. She was 15 years old and it was horrible enough to have been abandoned by her biological father and then to have her mother murdered. I had to think about her and the loss she was experiencing.
Of course, Laura's parents lived nearby and they were as helpful as they could be despite their devastation. We all went to the funeral home and made the plans together. We sat together and talked, we cried together, and we held each other. I remember being at the funeral but my memories are not very clear.
After a few weeks, Laura's parents and I talked about Elizabeth. They offered to take on the responsibility of raising her but they made it clear that they weren't trying to take her from me. Laura's parents and I had a very trusting relationship and we all knew that no one would try to deprive the other of time with Elizabeth. I expressed appreciation for their offer but explained that I thought the loss of her "father" and moving to a new home would be too much trauma to add to the loss Elizabeth had already suffered.
Grandma suggested that Elizabeth would need a woman to help guide her through the remainder of her teen years. At this point in her life, Elizabeth was well beyond puberty and she did not need a woman to teach her about her monthly cycle or to help her buy her first bra. If, and when, Elizabeth needed some female guidance, she could still seek that from her grandmother, from her friends' mothers, or from Laura's friends.
They understood and eventually agreed. I went to court and, with the grandparents' consent, was appointed legal guardian of Elizabeth.
Life went on but we both felt like zombies; both Elizabeth and I felt as if our guts had been torn out. Sometimes, I started crying and Elizabeth consoled me. Sometimes, she started crying and I consoled her. Sometimes, we both cried and held on to each other. I tried to reassure her about how much I loved her and she did the same for me. After a few weeks, we only cried two or three times a day.
My employer had been wonderful in giving me a paid leave of absence to deal with the death of my wife. After a month, I still wasn't ready to face the world but I didn't want to stay at home, sequestered in mourning. I was also mindful of the fact that I needed to set a good example for Elizabeth. School had arranged for her to get assignments sent home so that she would not need to return to school immediately, but staying at home was not good for Elizabeth.
I returned to work and Elizabeth returned to school. It was good for us to resume the lives we had previously led. Elizabeth was a good student and she quickly caught up on her classes. I tried to avoid becoming the cliché workaholic because I had Elizabeth to care for.
Elizabeth and I had to have a talk about behavior around the house. When Laura was alive, our family had not been overly modest in the privacy of our home. However, now that Laura wasn't around to "chaperone," I was concerned about what others might think if they thought that Elizabeth walked around the house less than fully dressed. If anyone made accusations about improper conduct in our home, I could lose the guardianship and she would then need to go live with her grandparents. Elizabeth understood though she expressed some frustration with the idea of wearing a bathrobe and the other efforts required to maintain the appearance of propriety.
I recognized that Elizabeth needed more than the usual amount of attention. We began to have "date night" on Friday nights. She would come home from school and get dressed up and I would take her out to dinner at a nice restaurant. Sometimes, we would go to a movie afterwards. I wanted Elizabeth to know how a lady is supposed to be treated because she was beginning to express an interest in dating. I certainly didn't want her accepting less than she deserved.
Elizabeth deserved the best and I tried to give her all that I could without spoiling her. Laura had life insurance that paid me $500,000 and the hospital settled a wrongful death claim based on their lack of security. We were comfortable -- financially -- but all of the money went into investments and I spent only a part of the income that was generated.
Her mother had done a wonderful job with Elizabeth and daughter had the same sparkly, energetic personality as her mother. After the death of Laura, Elizabeth had been subdued for a while but after a few months I began to see the brightness in her spirit and some enthusiasm for the world around her.
Even at the age of 15, Elizabeth was a young woman and not a child. She was considerate of others and well mannered. She had fun with her friends but she didn't seem to be interested in the stupid things that kids find interesting and she certainly wasn't attracted to the thrill-seeking behaviors that got so many kids in trouble.
Physically, she had developed beautifully. She was 5'4" and weighed about 120 lbs. Her complexion was clear and she was fair skinned. She had long brown hair and wide green eyes. Her breasts had developed to a 34A and they complimented her petite frame perfectly. To me, she looked like the actress who played the older daughter on The Partridge Family. She was girl-next-door cute.
She began dating a boy who lived in our neighborhood who was one year older than her. After about a month, I decided that I needed to have a talk with her about the birds and the bees. Like most naïve young girls, she insisted that Rick was just an innocent boy who had no interest in sex.
I explained that almost any boy who had an opportunity would want to have sex with her. I started to tell her that sex leads to babies, etc. but she interrupted to inform me that she and her mother had reviewed all of those things a few years earlier and her mother had offered to start Elizabeth on birth control pills at any time that Elizabeth believed that it was indicated.
I told Elizabeth that I, also, would make the same offer about starting her on birth control pills. I wasn't encouraging her to have sex with boys but would rather have her on birth control pills than have her pregnant.
"Daddy, right now, the idea of a boy doing that to me sounds kind of icky but, if it makes you feel better, you can start me on the pills."
I interpreted that as Elizabeth's way of saying that she wasn't sure whether it was necessary or not, so I made the arrangements and took Elizabeth to her first gynecologist appointment. When we exited the doctor's office with prescription in hand, I said to Elizabeth, "At moments like this, I miss Laura even more."
Elizabeth grabbed my hand and stopped me. I turned towards her and she hugged me tightly. She then kissed me lightly on the cheek and said, "I love you, Daddy. I won't let you be lonely."
* * *
The next few years were filled with learner's permits, driver's licenses, sleepovers with her girlfriends, proms, dances, movies . . . and holidays, when my memories of Laura were stirred afresh. Elizabeth dated a few boys but it didn't appear that she ever got serious with any of them and, as far as I knew, she was still an innocent virgin. For high school graduation, I bought her a new car.
