They say certain things in life are 'taboo', meaning something we are about to do is considered 'forbidden' or not ethical. It's those things that we seem to want all the more, knowing that we shouldn't. This occurred to me when I became reacquainted with my cousin's daughter, Jaime, as I hadn't seen her since she was a small child. She was all of 39 and I was in my 60's. Quite an age difference, yet we seemed to hit it off and enjoy each other's company right from the start.
Looking back at it now, I think she was the person I always wanted to be. Not afraid of telling the world she was gay by hanging the rainbow flag outside her bedroom window, or hanging out at gay bars in the city hoping to take someone home for the evening.
She told me how she spent lots of time with lots of women, yet never committing to any one of them. I think I secretly envied her. I know if I had it all to do over again, I would have done a lot of those risqué things that Jaime told me about.
We shared our experiences that first night across the dinner table at her mother's 70
th
birthday. I don't know why I decided to share with her the fact that I was reeling from a broken heart by a woman who befriended me a few years prior. Maybe it was because I knew she would understand how I felt as she too loved other women.
I had not mentioned my same sex encounter to anyone in the family prior to that night, sharing it only with Jaime. She was easy to talk to and I guess I knew she would understand what it was like to have your heart broken by another woman. She mentioned to me that she had just broken up with someone and was also trying to get over the recent pain it had caused. Even though we were conversing with one another, my cousin, her mother, was not within earshot of us and I know she didn't hear my confessions.
After a 10-year marriage and giving birth to two children, I realized there had to be more to life. It was when I met someone whom I thought was everything I ever wanted. A best friend, a confidant and a sexual partner all wrapped up in one neat little package. To think that meeting the man of my dreams, marrying, having children and going through life one day was what I thought was how things were suppose to be. It seemed to be what made me happy at the time, but it was all that I knew. I was a good catholic daughter; marrying in church to a handsome clean cut guy and planning a family was what was expected of me.
Being with my female best friend and sharing our love with one another both emotionally and physically was so much more than I had ever dreamed of. But, that was a thing of my past. She moved on and abandoned me without so much as an explanation why. I came to my own conclusions and realized that she was never comfortable with the same sex thing. Her children questioned her relationship with me, and she emphatically denied it. I was never questioned, as my children knew what she meant to me and accepted things the way they were.
Jaime asked me if I was interested in hanging out with her and her friends, which I told her absolutely! It was later on that same week she called me and invited me to a 'meet-up' in New York.
I didn't know what to expect, and was suddenly concerned about what she was going to tell my cousin, her mom, about us getting together.
"My mom doesn't agree with my lifestyle. I'm not going to say anything to her about going out with you. The less she knows, the better, " was what she said when I asked. I knew it wasn't right to keep it from her, but went along with what Jaime thought was best.
I picked her up at her condo and drove us to the city. A meet-up, I soon learned was a gathering of only lesbian women at a bar or similar venue. There was a live female band and couches and tables strategically placed around the dance floor. It was a way to meet others who were also looking for a 'good time', or a relationship.
Going over to the bar, I bought us both a drink and we sat at one of the tables. A few of her friends came over and she introduced me, but didn't say we were related in any way. I spent most of the time observing the other couples who were hanging onto eachother, kissing and groping and slow dancing a short distance from us.
I thought to myself how wonderful that must be to not have any inhibitions about being gay and showing everyone exactly how you felt about someone else. The way it is with male/female partners. I imagined how it would have been to be out there on the dance floor holding Diane against my chest as we swayed to the music. Feeling her hand in mine and maybe stealing a kiss down deep on her neck.
I scanned the room looking to see if there was anyone close to my age that I could possibly approach. It was hard to tell, as most of them were younger than Jaime but not quite as old as I was. I felt out of place, not seeming to 'fit in'. There were a couple of nice looking mature women that caught my eye but it seemed like they were there with someone. Not too many single unattached females were among the 100 or so that were in attendance.
After a couple hours, we decided to leave and head back to New Jersey. Jaime told me all about her ex who was a cop in New York and how she tried everything she could think of to get back together with her. It seemed like a one sided affair and Jaime was still holding a torch for her ex as I was. Neither of us had relationships with anyone since our breakups. It seemed we had a lot in common in that regard.
When we arrived at her condo, Jaime invited me up for a nightcap. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but I accepted her invitation. I liked Jaime, but didn't have a sexual attraction to her in spite of her girlish look, blonde curly hair and hefty boobs. Qualities I always admire on a female. Don't get me wrong, as I would have definitely made a move on her if she weren't my cousin's daughter.
I noticed Jaime seemed to smile around me all the time and I sensed a bit of adoration coming from her. I didn't think anything of it but I did realize that she was starting to develop a 'thing' for me.
Getting comfortable on her couch she grabbed a bottle of wine and some chips from the kitchen, and sat across from me in the living room. We sipped our wine and did a lot of reminiscing about the good and bad of our relationships. Jaime told me that her ex was older, and that it seemed she was always attracted to older women. I heard what she said and kind of thought she was saying that to me in a subtle way to let me know she was attracted to me. I didn't say anything to lead her on. As we finished the bottle of wine I told her I needed to get home, as it was a work night. She agreed and as she was a teacher, needed to get to bed as she got up at 5 AM on school days.
She walked me to the door and we said our good byes. As I would with any other family member, I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek telling her I had a good time and would catch up with her soon. She kissed me back but hesitated a bit too long for me not to notice. I asked her again if she was going to tell her mom anything about us getting together, and she said no, that she wouldn't mention that she met up with me at all. I didn't think it was right to keep it from my cousin, but went along with what Jaime thought was best.
"Hey, do you want to meet up this Friday night? There's a big dance at the Arts Center", Jaime said with excitement in her voice when she called the other day.
"Sure, I guess so. Do you want me to get the tickets?" I asked her
"No, I'll get them. You can drive if you don't mind".
"No problem. What time should I pick you up?"
"Probably 7ish as it's a good half hour drive from here".
When I arrived at Jaime's condo she buzzed me in as she said she wasn't quite ready yet. She unlocked the door and walked into her bedroom wearing only her bra and panties. I pretended not to look but actually checked her out as she pranced down the hallway. I was wondering to myself if that was deliberate to show off her young, tight body to me. I didn't say anything about it as she quickly threw her clothes on and grabbed her purse as we left.
The dance venue was outside at a large park center on the highway. It wasn't my choice of music but I found it very interesting seeing all the gay people with their partners. We had a couple drinks when Jaime grabbed my hand and coaxed me to dance with her. I absolutely told her I didn't think I knew any of the new dances and would probably embarrass her, but she insisted. So, off we went onto the dance floor stopping only to put down our drinks at an empty table.
She was so full of life and was totally into the music and the alcohol. I watched as she strut her stuff and smiled every once and awhile in my direction. I did smile back as I was happy she was enjoying herself.
I stopped drinking after a couple drinks as I was driving but Jaime was hell bent on getting a good buzz from the amount of alcohol she was having. I tried to tell her she was drinking too much but she just looked at me and said, "Don't be a
mom
tonight. I'm having a good time. Aren't you?"
