It was the hushed tones they spoke in that grabbed my attention. My teenage sister and her friends giggling and gossiping loudly is perfectly normal - annoying, in fact. I could have tuned that out. Whispering was suspicious.
I stopped typing and leaned away from my desk to listen more closely. No good. Their volume was intentional. They spoke so that they could hear each other, but they were clearly aware that other ears were nearby.
Our parents were still at work, so the only other ears in the house were mine. They were trying to keep me from hearing what they were talking about. Whatever it was excited them. I could tell by how fast they'd talk and how intermittent bursts of laughter would break the sounds of muffled conversation, followed immediately with frantic shushing.
"Okay, enough of this," I thought. I quietly stood and made my way toward her room. I could start making out words as I got closer.
"Never, Lydia? Ever?" one of the teens giggled.
Another added, "You're 18 now - a legal adult. What are you waiting for?"
Still another piped in, "Your brother is home from college for another month, practice with him!"
Whatever that meant made the girls erupt with laughter and made Lydia recoil. "EWWWW NO NO NO! Stacey you're so grossss!" Lydia exclaimed in disgust.
"What's so gross, Lyds?" I blurted as I jumped into Lydia's doorway. The girls turned white as a sheet.
"What the fuck, Ken!? Were you listening?" Lydia exclaimed through a mortified grimace.
"Sort of," I replied. Then I stayed silent and looked each of them in the eyes, trying to read them. Whatever I had stumbled into was enough to make these girls really uneasy.
"Um, how long did... uh what did you hear?" Lydia stammered.
Whatever it was, I didn't really care. I mean, don't get me wrong - I was enjoying torturing them. But there wasn't anything that a group of 18-year-old girls could be discussing that I'd possibly give two shits about. I decided to come clean.
"Relax, I didn't hear anything." I replied. They all exhaled and let out nervous laughs in relief. After the color returned to my sister's face, I continued. "I just heard something about you needing my help practicing with something."
All of their eyes got as big as saucers and they abruptly quit laughing.
I broke the awkward silence with, "Listen, I know I give you a lot of shit, but if you need help with something, just say so. What is it? Something with your cheerleading? SAT prep? I'll help you practice whatever you need."
Something I said made them ERUPT with laughter.
"I really don't fucking understand teen girls." I sighed internally.
"Awww he's so sweet!" her friend forced out through her chortling.
Lydia laughed until she gasped, buried her face in a pillow and let out an exasperated "UUUUUUUGH!!" "KEN, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE OH MY GAWWWDDD!"
I was a little hurt. Even if they're teens, it sort of stings when you're trying to be sincere and helpful and you get laughed at. I was more confused than anything. My deer-in-the-headlights expression only made them laugh harder. Whatever, I was done with this.
"I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE NICE. DAMN!" I yelled over my shoulder as I turned and walked away.
That made them roar even more. I heard Lydia slam her door behind me. I went back to my room to fume.
That episode was the last time I was nice to my sister while I was home. I had come home for the winter, taking virtual classes so that I could help my dad with some home renovations he'd backlogged for years. Whenever I saw Lydia, I was never mean, but I made no efforts to be cordial after being laughed out of her room.
It was hard, because I genuinely do love my sister. We'd always had a great relationship, and she looked up to me. It was an effort to stay cold and heartless toward her, but my anger from that day was just enough to fuel it. That came to a grinding halt one day when I discovered her weeping on the sofa.
She was slumped over, her face resting in her hands as she tried to conceal her face. Her cries were stifled - whatever she was mourning was intense, but she was taking great care to not be discovered. She must have known I was home, but not aware that I was standing in the doorway behind her.
Part of me was trying to keep up my bitter facade. I steeled myself and searched my thoughts for something sarcastic and flippant to say, but it melted away with every sob I could hear. I sighed, sat next to her, rested my hand on her shoulder, and told her, "I'm here for you, Lydia" without even speaking.
My presence broke her dam, and a flood of wailing burst forth from her like she had been holding it in for weeks. She gazed into my eyes, glassy and flowing with tears, and told me, "I'm sorry, Ken," without saying a word, then clutched me tightly. I returned her embrace to let her know that all was forgiven.
It wasn't until she could compose herself that I learned the sorrow wasn't because of our strained relationship. She was having relationship problems with her boyfriend. Well, former boyfriend, as it were.
"Dylan dumped me today," Lydia sniffled.
I had no idea who the fuck Dylan was, but for her sake, I had to pretend to care.
"I'm sorry, Lyds." I replied in a comforting tone. "I'm not sure what his deal is, but it's his loss, trust me."
Lydia looked up at me, and gave me a smirk and a glance that said, "I appreciate that, even if you have to say stuff like that as my brother."
"So what happened?" I inquired. "Did he suddenly decide that he likes boys instead?"
Lydia laughed and leaned against me. "No. It's me. It's embarrassing."
I gave her my obligatory "you can tell me anything" spiel, expecting her to give me her standard "no, that's ok, thanks" reply, but she didn't. She looked into my eyes, hesitating. She was weighing whether or not she should tell me. She waited a couple of seconds, and began to blush. A sheepish, wry smile carved itself across her face. Oh god. She was going to tell me.
"Be supportive don't freak out be supportive don't freak out be supportive don't freak out," I told myself as I prepared to hear way more information about my teen sister than I wanted to know.
"You remember the day me and my friends were all whispering and laughing and you busted us?" she asked.
"Uh yeah, it's why I've been an asshole to you ever since," I responded. "Why?"
Lydia stared forward and exhaled "Wellllll I didn't want to talk to you about it because it had to do with sex. Hence my response."
Ah. NOW I understood. No wonder it was hilarious and mortifying all at once. No wonder she kicked me out.
She saw my gears turning as I connected ALL the dots and continued, "Now you understand. And hopefully you understand that I couldn't just come to you and explain. It's still fucking weird, but you caught me in a really vulnerable spot."
I was bright red. With this new information, I was more embarrassed about my response and how I treated her over that incident than I was about the awkward subject matter, but there was still one dot I was having trouble connecting. "Look, I didn't know. I'm sorry I reacted how I did... but I don't understand what all that has to do with Danny-"
"DYLAN," Lydia corrected.
"Whatever. Dylan. What does our fight have to do with him?"
Lydia looked at the floor and turned another shade of red. With each passing second of awkward silence, I began to understand.
"Oh. OHHH. OHHHH! That piece of shit! Did he bang you then dump you?" My rage escalated with each word that came out of my mouth. "I am going to MURDER that little punk-"
"NO, no, no stop. STOP." Lydia interrupted. "I'm still a virgin. And that's kind of the problem."
I stayed silent to let Lydia explain. Me jumping to conclusions and playing the protective brother wasn't helping at all.
"Dylan likes girls with 'experience,'" she explained as she did finger quotes. "He knew I was a virgin, but he liked me. I was up front with him about all that - about how I didn't want to have sex until I was in love with someone. He was really kind and accepting about all of it. At first."
Lydia halted and looked at me. "I'm about to tell you some pretty personal stuff about me... will you promise to be nice and not laugh at me and all that?"
I scoffed. I mean, I know I'm her big brother, and it's an unwritten law that I'm supposed to give her a hard time, but never when it's actually serious.
"C'mon, Lyds. You know me better than that," I assured her. "I might get a little weirded out, but I'd never make fun of you or make you feel bad."
She softened and continued. "Well, after a few weeks, we started to fool around, and it was really tough since I wouldn't have sex with him. So I wanted to give him a blow job."
She clammed up and closed her eyes, bracing herself for my reaction. I sighed. She looked me in the eyes, trying to gauge my disappointment and/or disgust.
"Look, it's really weird talking about this stuff with you, and that's the only reason I might seem put off by it," I explained. "I figured you were probably having sex or trying stuff by now, I just tried to not think about it."
She smiled a little and relaxed.
"I'm not upset with you, though." I continued. "This is all really normal stuff that everyone does." She exhaled in relief and hugged me again.
"Well, if it makes you feel better, I never ended up sucking his dick, either," Lydia continued. "I mean, I wanted to... I was just really nervous. We'd always fool around and it would get pretty heavy, and I'd tell myself I was ready..."
"But you'd freeze up?" I interrupted.
