Somebody That I Used to Now

ALL CHARACTERS ARE OVER 18!!!

TRIGGER ALERT! There is talk of suicide and some suicidal ideation. There are NO suicide attempts at all.

TRIGGER ALERT! There is some violence. Not between the main characters but in defense of one another.

THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION, ANY SIMILARITIES TO PERSONS OR PLACES IS COMPLETELY COINCIDENTAL!!!

This story contains incest. If this isn't your cup of tea, please move on.

I write primarily for myself. I'm not very good but I hope you enjoy my story as I do.

All rights reserved.

Lots of Love,

Casino

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Somebody That I Used to Know - Chapter 01

Today:

"So, Samantha, I know we've talked about a lot of general things our first few sessions. We've talked through your suicidal ideation, your anxiety, depression and self hatred and these are very important to discuss. However, I want to get to the root cause of those feelings. It's not normal for a pretty young 21 year old to have so much hopelessness."

"Sam, please, doctor. Ok? And don't call me pretty, I'm not pretty."

"Ok, interesting. I will, of course, call you Sam, as long as you call me Cynthia."

"Sure, Cynthia, what do we need to do?"

"I've noticed, Sam, that you've never mentioned anything about your family."

I had an immediate spike of anxiety. "Oh, uhh, do we have to talk about them? I haven't really spoken to them in three years."

She looked up from her notes but used all her powers to avoid reacting. I knew she was surprised. "That's interesting. You haven't spoken to anyone in your family in three years?"

I shook my head and then said. "Well, I text my mom once a month so she knows I'm not dead."

"Okay and no one from your family tries to contact you?"

"Well... uhh... that's complicated and kind of why I'm here."

"Tell me about it. You are my last session of the day so we can unravel as much as we want."

"When I left for school, I changed my phone to a burner. I swap it for a new burner after I text my mom that I'm ok."

She wrote notes quickly, "Okay, you change your number once a month. I'm guessing that's to keep your family from contacting you. Must be difficult for your boyfriend or girlfriend to have to change your number every month."

I shook my head, "I don't have anyone. Well I have Gus, but he's my dog."

"Okay, no rules saying you have to have a lover. So, you're here because a family member made or tried to make contact, correct?"

"Yes." I pulled my knees up and rested my chin on them, hugging my legs.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"I... I... checked an old Gmail account that I haven't checked in quite a while."

"Okay, what did you find?"

"I found an email from my brother." I started to cry.

She handed me a box of tissues. "It's okay, this is what we're here for."

"After I read it, I searched my inbox using his email address... There were dozens of them." I sobbed hard and deep.

"You're having a very visceral emotional reaction just mentioning your brother. Was he your tormentor?"

I stopped and glared at her. I quickly jumped to my feet, tears staining my cheeks ruining my mascara, I screamed at her. "Don't you ever say anything shitty about my baby brother again you fucking cunt."

She was scared for a split second but recovered quickly, "I apologize for my assumption. It was unfair and unprofessional."

I dropped back down to the couch, "I'm sorry." I said softly, crying a little more. "It's just that Damon is the sweetest boy you'll ever meet." I grabbed a tissue and blew my nose.

"Ok, so you very obviously love your brother. Tell me more about him."

"He's sweet, smart and funny. He will do anything for you. He quite literally would give you the shirt off his back."

"How so?"

I laughed nostalgically, reminiscing about our youth. "This one Saturday, during summer, we were playing down by the creek near our house. Adventuring together was our favorite pastime. I was 15 and he was 12. We were jumping from stone to stone. I slipped when we got to the bank. I screamed, falling into the tall grass. I twisted my ankle quite badly and it had already swollen up like grapefruit. Worse than that, the rock I had tripped on gouged my ankle and it was gushing blood. God, there was so much blood, I almost passed out." I paused for a moment to collect myself.

"What did your brother do? Did he run to get help?"

I looked at her like she was crazy, then smiled again, thinking back with pride. "No." I said softly, lovingly, "No. He took off his favorite, light blue Adidas shirt with dark blue stripes and wrapped it around my ankle to stop the bleeding."

"You look back on this moment fondly, despite your severe injury."

I looked at her like she was crazy again. I took great care to emphasize, "He carried me in his arms across the waist deep creek, through the woods and over difficult terrain. Our house was a mile and a half away. He never slowed, he didn't stop. He powered his way through pain and exhaustion to get me to safety."

She nodded.

"When we got back to our yard Damon shouted for my mother. She came out screaming 'what happened?' He was so in control, he calmly instructed her to get the car keys. She did so and he helped me into the back of the Jeep. I was a little woozy. He laid me down using his lap as a pillow. The hospital was 25 minutes away. I was so scared. He held my hand and stroked my cheek. He just said, 'You'll be okay, Sammy. You'll be okay.' Over and over." A tear streaked down my cheek.

"So, he helped you. That was very kind of him."

I lost it, "He 'helped' me? That was 'kind' of him?" I shook my head, "Do you hate men or something?"

"No, I..."

"HE WAS 12! HE CARRIED ME HOME! HE HADN'T EVEN GONE THROUGH PUBERTY YET. I WAS TALLER AND OUTWEIGHED HIM."

"Ok. You're correct. What he did was difficult and brave."

"Difficult and brave. IT WAS COURAGEOUS AND HEROIC!"

"Okay, okay. I can see that."

"When we got to the hospital, he carried me into the emergency room and demanded that I be seen immediately. He told the admitting nurse everything and described the wound precision. My mom handled the insurance and paperwork. An orderly rolled a stretcher over and he laid me down gently and kissed my forehead. Again he assured me I would be ok."

"He was your hero."

I nodded and continued, "He was my hero. He's always been my hero. After they stitched me up I was laying on a hospital bed. My brother was the first one in the room and he sat next to me on the bed. He held my hand as the doctor told them what to do when I got home. How to change the bandages. How often to ice it and so on. Mom would almost faint at the sight of blood and both my parents work. So it was Damon who paid close attention to what needed to be done."

"So he was..."

"He was my hero nurse that summer for 4 weeks. After 2 weeks they could remove the stitches but it took 2 more weeks for the sprain to heal. He never complained once." I smiled, but my guard was down and I slipped. "That was when I knew." I looked forlornly into nothingness. I bore my sadness for anyone with eyes to see.

She looked up from her notes. "Knew what?"

"Huh..." I said, still lost in nostalgia.

"Knew what? That was when you knew what?"

My anxiety spiked again as fear ripped through me. 'No, no. She can't know. She'll think I'm sick. She'll think I'm a monster. She'll put me in a hospital' I was a deer in the headlights.

"Samantha. That was when you knew what?"

"It's Sam."

"Okay. You're stalling, Sam."

"Nothing. It's nothing."

"Sam, you came to me for help. Your secrets are safe here."

"You'll think I'm a monster." I tried to hide behind my knees.

"What could be so bad. You don't harbor ill feelings for your brother, rather, you..." she stopped, observing me closely. Then tented her fingers contemplating. "Sam," she said softly, "I'm going to ask you a question. You don't have to respond verbally. You can simply nod or shake your head. Okay."

The Past:

I was very confused about love growing up. I didn't like kissing boys. So I tried kissing girls and I didn't like that either. Worst thing was I wasn't really attracted to anyone. So I figured I would just have to wait until I could find that perfect someone to kiss.

When I was 15 my little brother saved me. He also helped me heal. He changed my bandages and got me ice. He'd draw hot baths for me. He would bring me food and cold drinks. He would give me piggyback rides up and down the stairs. He did everything for me.

I had become very protective of him. One time, my friend Jenna came over to visit me shortly after my accident. My brother was hanging out in my room when she got there. My friend Jenna called him a creep and told him to get lost.

I snapped at her, giving her a cold stare. I told her if she still wanted to be my friend, she'd better apologize.

She did it quickly which pleased me.

Anyway, my brother and I got even closer over those 4 weeks.

One Friday night our parents went out for dinner and drinks with another couple. I saw him walking past my room, "Hey Damon." I said quickly.

"What's up, Sammy? Do you need something?"

He was the only one who was allowed to call me Sammy. I smiled, he was so unselfish. He never complained once. "No D." That was what I called him sometimes. "Will you watch a movie with me?"

He smiled, "Sure, Sammy. I'll get us snacks and drinks." He went downstairs, returning with a couple Cokes and a bag of my favorite chips. Straight up Lays Potato chips.

I smiled, "You know me so well." I turned on the TV as he handed me a Coke.

He set the bag of chips next to me on the bed and settled into a folding chair. "Want to go old school Hitchcock?" He said knowing my response. We loved watching Hitchcock movies together.

"Yeah! How about Notorious, 1946? Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman?"

He chuckled, "You seriously have to ask? That's my favorite!"

I frowned looking at him sitting on his rickety hard folding chair. "Why don't you come over here? There's plenty of room. It's a Queen size after all."

"Ah, I don't want to invade your space." He said flatly, but there was a sparkle in his eye.

"Oh come on. You're my brother." I patted the bed next to me. He shrugged and slid off his shoes, sitting next to me. I gave him some pillows to lay back on. "That's more comfortable, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Sammy."

"You've done so much to comfort me, it's the least I could do." I found the movie on Tubi and started it up. We watched in silence for a while. Then I rolled onto my side. I grabbed his arm and put it around me, putting my head on his chest. I could hear his heart beating and it was comforting. I wrapped my arm over his stomach and squeezed him close.

"What are you doing, goofball?" He said with a laugh.

I sniffled on the verge of tears but I held strong, "I've never thanked you for saving me, you're my hero, you know."

"Come on. Anyone would have done the same."

"Not the way you did it, Damon. Most little brothers would've ran for help. You saved me." I looked up into his eyes. I moved closer and kissed him on the lips. It was just a little too long than it should've been but it was so soft, so gentle, so sweet. It was perfect and I loved every fleeting second of that kiss. It was completely unlike every other kiss I had had from anyone. My body reacted in a way I had never felt before.

He was younger and didn't understand. He smiled and said, "Ok, weirdo, you're welcome. Let's get back to Cary and Ingrid."

I wasn't mad he blew it off. He just didn't understand but I sure as hell did. I knew what I felt. From then on I knew I was in love with my little brother. I swore to myself that that would be the only kiss we would share. I would never take advantage of him. I would never cross that line.

It was hard. It was so hard because he was sweet. He would always hug me when I was down or if he just wanted a hug. I couldn't help myself though. I came up with sneak attack hugs. I would hide and sneak up behind him and wrap my arms around him. He loved the game and would do the same to me.

What made it worse was he was so cute and had a great personality. He wasn't the most popular kid but he had girlfriends from time to time.

My jealousy raged. He never understood why I hated his girlfriends. Some girls I was friends with before they started dating. They sure as hell weren't my friends when they stole my brother from me.

We would often watch movies together. After that first snuggle, he enjoyed that 'platonic closeness' as he would call it. So we continued to do it, though it was pure torture for me.

My senior year, during Christmas break, I had just turned 18 in November. We were watching The Usual Suspects, snuggled on the couch. I was struggling as usual, his scent driving me crazy.

"Hay, Sammy, can I ask you something?"

"You just did, D? But you can ask me another one."

"How come you never go out on dates?" It was innocent. He wasn't asking to be mean. He sounded more concerned than anything.

I was silent. I wanted to scream.

He continued, "I mean, I don't want to sound creepy, but you're so pretty and kind. Not to mention funny and sweet. Shit, anyone would absolutely fall in love with you."

"I love someone, but they don't love me back."

"I don't believe that. You're so wonderful, anyone would be proud to have you as a girlfriend."

"Please, Damon. Stop. They can't love me back."

He was quiet for a bit, "Sammy, listen, if you're in love with a girl, that's nothing to be ashamed of, hell it's pretty..."

"I'm not a lesbian, Damon. He can't love me. So, please, stop."

"Is he gay?"

I jumped off the couch and turned on him. I was at wits end and losing control. "STOP, DAMON! YOU DONT KNOW A FUCKING THING ABOUT ME!"

He sat there still, dumbfounded by my outburst, he spoke softly, sweetly, "I'm sorry Sammy, I didn't mean to pry. I shouldn't have probed and prodded you so hard. One thing I know is that I love you and I know you love me. I'm just worried about you. I want you to be happy."

'I know you love me dipshit, but you don't know how I want to love you.' My inner voice screamed. I sighed, "I'm sorry for yelling at you, Damon. It's not your fault and I shouldn't have taken it out on you." I looked down at the floor, I sighed and looked at him again, "I don't think happiness is in the stars for me." I smiled weakly.

He stood up and took me in his arms holding me tight. "There's a path to happiness for everyone. I know you'll find love." I cried into his chest, though he didn't know the reason for my tears. I was so close to doing the unthinkable. Things had to change.

That was the last hug we'd have for a very long time. I isolated myself from him. He noticed of course and tried to reinsert himself into my life. No matter what he tried, I rebuffed him. I could tell it was very painful for him. It was very frustrating and painful for me, too.

He himself withdrew as well. Our parents were concerned but I wouldn't give a reason. To be honest, I couldn't tell them the truth. It was a long horribly painful 9 months.

The day I was leaving, I was busy packing for college. It was 5 hours away and I wanted to get on the road soon. My brother was at my door watching me pack. "So, off to school?"

"Yup." To be honest, it was the saddest day of my life. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and kiss him. I wanted to confess my love, this was my last chance. But I was sickened by my thoughts and chickened out.

"Are you coming home for Thanksgiving?"

"Not sure."

"I'm going to miss you, Sammy."

"I'm going to miss you too, Damon."

"I've missed you the last 9 months, you know."

"I know, I've missed you too."

"Then why, Sammy, why did you shut me out? Why do you hate me?"

I felt tears stinging my eyes. "I don't hate you, Damon."

"Then tell me why. Why did you shut me out? Why have you ignored me? If you don't love me, I deserve to know what I did to turn you against me."

"Get out, Damon, I'm busy. I'm trying to get out of here so I can get to school. I'm starting a new life."

I heard him sniffle, I think he was on the verge of tears. I had never seen him cry. "Good bye, Sammy. I love you and I always will. I'll miss you terribly, Sammy. It will hurt more than the last 9 months."

"Love you too, Damon. Goodbye." I was cold and aloof. That was the last time I spoke to him. It was killing me inside but I was protecting him, I told myself."

He said nothing more. I heard his steps retreating to his room and his door slam.

I felt the tears flow but it was for the best. 'Damon doesn't need his sick sister around. He's better off without me.' I thought I was doing it for him. If I had known, I never would've walked away forever.

I dragged my bags to my car. My mom and dad were waiting to see me off.

"Where's your brother?" Dad asked. He was very concerned. He knew how close we were growing up and was extremely alarmed when our relationship changed.

"I said goodbye to him already."

I thought mom was going to cry. "What happened between you two?"

I hugged them both, "I need to get going to check in. Don't worry about Damon, he will be ok. I love you guys."

I hopped in my car and backed down the driveway. I looked up to his window. Even from the distance I could tell he'd been crying. He looked broken and sad. I told myself he was better off.

Unfortunately, I was completely wrong.

The Present:

"Ok, Sam. It's very important to answer honestly. I can't help you if you lie."

"Okay." I said quietly. Trying to make myself as small as possible.

"Sam, I know you love your brother but," She paused and gave me an earnest warm look, "But, are you in love with Damon?"

This was the question I had avoided since I was 15. I knew I needed to own it. Just nodding wasn't going to help me acknowledge my issue. "Yes, Cynthia, I'm in love with my brother, Damon. I've wanted him since he saved me." I told her about my early childhood confusion about love. I told her everything about how I fell in love with him, the December movie debacle and how I shut him out. The last things we said to each other. I cried the entire time.

She stayed silent for a long time. Then said softly, "Sam, do you think you're the only girl to fall in love with her brother? Or Father? Or Mother? Or sister? Or vice versa?"

I looked at her wide eyed and confused. I was about to say something but she held up a finger.

"Stop, sweetie. Everything you're about to say, I've heard a hundred times. Probably much more than that."

"But... I'm... a monster right. I want to fuck my brother thousands of ways for the rest of our lives." Since he was 18 now, I didn't resist verbalizing my desire.

"How can you be a monster? You haven't done anything to him have you?"

"I kissed him."

"I've kissed my brother. Am I a monster?"

"No... but it's different."

"How so?"

I turned the tables on her, "Did your pussy get wet and excited when you kissed your brother? Did you want to push him back on your bed and mount him? Did you want him to ejaculate inside of you and breed you?" I stopped for a moment to let that sink in and make her think, "I did and I still do. That's what makes me a monster. That's why I cut ties, I'm protecting him."

"Alright, so according to you, you're a monster. I don't think you are but I can understand why you think that. However, you say you've done everything you can to protect him. You've made yourself, and probably Damon, devastatingly miserable for the last 3 years. That doesn't sound like protection. It sounds like persecution."

I hadn't thought of that. I assumed he was better off and moved on with life. Then I read the last email he sent. I read the others as well. I was on the verge of suicide when I sought Cynthia's help. I hurt Damon so badly. "I know, that's why I'm here. I don't know what to do."