I certainly didn't have any crazy skeletons in the closet. I was a pretty normal guy I guess. In fact, so certain was I that no one could say anything bad about me that I invited my four ex girlfriends to my wedding. I was still on good terms with three of them and the fourth one just wasn't in contact much. Of the three who did attend my wedding, the two who were not married yet provided the entertainment for my bachelor party. Point to me for not burning bridges.
I couldn't be certain but it seemed like my fiancée was the black sheep of her family. Before the wedding we saw very little of them and even at the ceremony there was a notable distance. My wife Jill and her sister Jessica wouldn't even speak to each other but there were noticeable looks being passed between them that no one could decipher.
But that was ok in my book. I was getting married to her not her family. Maybe they just didn't understand her the way I did. She was at times a difficult person to date. At times it seemed like she wanted to break up but she would never go through with it. The moment it looked like I might leave the relationship she wanted to pull me back. But then, when I wanted to get close to her there was some push back.
So my solution was to just get married and get it over with. Then we would both know that we were on the same team. Then there would be no reason for trying to one up each other or trying to secure our own interest against the other. We would be together in everything. It would be settled and there would be no more drama.
However no sooner had I gotten married to Jill and bought a house when my wife started making suggestions that she wasn't completely happy. This made me a bit miffed. She had promised me that if I could actually pull off getting a real house and not just some trailer that she'd marry me and be content. I'd worked my ass off to make her dreams come true. I paid for the biggest, stupidest wedding anyone of my relatives had ever had and she was just not appreciating any of it.
My mother, my father, my two sisters, and all my friends had told me that the first year of marriage would be the most difficult but I hadn't expected her to be dropping the word divorce after only three months. In order to avert that we started going to a couples councilor. It was during the third session that I heard something a lot of married men never get to hear.
"It's my fault." she said. "There's something wrong with me. I'm ... I'm broken."
The fake doctor guy encouraged her to be honest. There would be no judgment, only the acceptance of a man who loved her.
"I'm gay." she said.
I was stunned. The councilor was stunned. We got her to extrapolate on what exactly she meant. In her own words she said she wasn't completely gay, more like 75%. I told her that sounded like she was pretty gay but she countered that she still wanted to have sex with a guy 25% of the time.
According to her she had known full well before we'd even gotten married that she was a rug muncher. Why had she gotten married to me? Her answer was that she feared no woman would ever want her, much less marry her. I was there and I cared about her so she settled for me. Yeah, I was feeling great that day. The psychologist guy said he felt like Jill was holding back. He mentioned that there was more to it but Jill just said over and over again that the only issue was that she was gay and that was it and not to ask her to say anything more.
The obvious question came up as to if she'd actually been with a woman before. Jill would not give us a straight answer. To me that meant she must have been but as soon as I said that Jill vehemently rejected the suggestion. She committed to her answer and firmly said that she'd never, ever, under any circumstances had ever had sex with a woman. She was a virgin on the gay front, according to her. Sure, I felt she was lying and even the councilor thought she was not being truthful but she stuck to it and insisted that was the truth for her.
So, were we going to stay married? I had to admit I was not happy with this news but she was fit and sexy and she wanted sex more often than most other women I'd dated. I could stay with her. That was the plan but when the councilor suggested that I role play being a female lover by putting on makeup and a dress I flat out told them both NO FUCKING WAY. I'd leave her before I did that. No. Fuck no. She can pack her shit and get the fuck out of MY HOUSE.
As life would have it we stayed married. Every now and then I'd ask my wife if some woman was hot or not and she'd shut me down and tell me she didn't want to talk about it.
We kept her situation a secret from everyone. We didn't live in New York city or San Fransisco where people walk around naked and have homo sex in the streets where your kids can watch. No. This is the bible belt and that shit don't fly down here.
Things weren't perfect. I understood there was this additional thing she wanted, or felt like she needed to be a whole and complete person but I couldn't give those things to her. There were times when we'd argue about it. We wouldn't actually be talking about that. On the surface we'd be arguing about something else but deep down, we were arguing about that.
She'd accused me many times of using her bisexuality as a lame excuse to try to get a threesome when I'd never brought that up. She kept waiting for me to bring it up so she could be offended by it. Again and again she laid out the trap but I refused to fall into it.
I was this close to just giving up on her. I really was. Then she came to me with a bold idea.
"I want to wife swap."
"What?"
"Hear me out."
"No."
"Just hear me out."
"I already said no. You want to do that kind of thing then this is over."
"Not with a man."
"What?"
"I want to wife swap so I can be with a woman."
"That has got to be one of the stupidest fucking things you've ever said. So what are me and the other husband going to do? Just watch?"
"No, you get to be with a wife too."
"Oh. And so does that mean I have to share you with a guy?"
"No. You aren't listening."
"I am listening. You aren't making any fucking sense."
"I want to wife swap with a lesbian couple."
"What?"
"Well, think about it. That wouldn't be so bad. Would it? I can get what I want and you can get a lot of the way to what you want."
"Right because lesbians are just lining up to get a dick."
"I was talking to this woman online."
"Is this what you do when I'm out busting my ass ..."
"Don't be mad. Just hear me out. Ok. Thirty seconds. Please."
"Fine. Go."
"I was talking to this woman online. She's in a lesbian relationship but she's like me. She's not 100% like that. She wants to get dick every now and then. So I was thinking that maybe this would be a great opportunity for us. What do you think?"
"Lesbians? Fat, ugly, diseased lesbians."
"I don't know what she looks like."
"So how would this even work?"
"Simple. I'll go on a blind date with the more solidly lesbian partner and you go on a blind date with the bisexual girl. Everybody wins."
"Would you be ok with that?"
"Sure as long as I feel you're not going to leave me for her."
"Fat, ugly. I knew it."
"Come on. What do you say? They live right on the other side of the river."
"That close?"
"I told her no promises. You know. So like. If you go on the date you don't have to feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do."
"Oh, I see what's going on. So, you'll get to cheat on me and then the other one just baby sits me so I won't be in the way."
"You have to trust me."
"I do trust you. The people I don't trust are some lesbians I've never met."
"Well, you'll get to meet one of them if everything goes well on my date."
"What?"
"Oh, they said that the dates couldn't be at the same time. They're being cautious."
"I'm going to take a wild guess and say my chance only comes after yours."
"Sorry. I couldn't talk her ..."
"No. This sounds like bullshit."
"Please. I promise ... um ... I love you. I want to be married to you but I need this. I need something. I've got to know."
"Know what?"
"I can't explain it. Please. I'm giving you the chance to have sex with another woman. I don't understand why you're even arguing against this."
"The blind dates have to be at the same time. I'm not waiting. And I have other terms. I'm not going to just accept this deal being forced on me. I call the shots."
"Of course. Let me know what you'll accept."
I honestly felt like all this heady talk would end in no action. But I was wrong. A couple of days later my wife informed me that everything was a go. Then she fucked me three times in a row. After fucking she wanted me to describe to her again and again how I was going to fuck the lesbian when I met her.
A week and a half passed and it was the appointed weekend. My wife went off to her date and I was in a restaurant waiting for mine. Because of the nature of what was going on, the date was in a place where people could eat without being seen by others. Every table was really a private booth where people could cook their fondue in peace.
I sat there feeling very foolish. I really expected some three hundred pound, shaved head, lesbian to come and be seated with me. That's not what I got.
The curtain to the booth was parted a bit by the server girl who was talking with someone. The server was in the way so I couldn't see her face but I saw her body. Damn. Long blond hair on a sexy, SEXY, body clad in a red dress.
Please let it be her. Please let it be her.
The red dress went away for a moment and I really almost wanted to cry. In my mind I was already imagining what it might be like if it were her. I would be so lucky. That was assuming she was pretty. I hadn't gotten to see her face yet. Damn why couldn't it be her? As I lamented being able to fuck the girl in the red dress she came back to my booth. And then I got a rude awakening.
"David?" my sister Nicole said as she popped her head into my tent and the rest of her and her red dress followed.
"Hi. What are you doing here?"
"Nothing. Just waiting to meet someone. Where's Jill?"
"She's out."
"Oh, did you two have another fight?"
"Something like that."
The obvious answer to a question was right there in my face but a big part of me was incredulous. There was no way it could be true. I was secretly conflicted. On the one hand I hoped Nicole was not who I was supposed to meet but on the other hand I really hoped the woman who eventually came would be as sexy as my sister. Then I realized that I was actually thinking of Nicole as sexy. Well, she was sexy. I was just accepting reality in admitting that to myself. And on the theme of accepting reality I was very quickly coming to the conclusion that no other woman was coming to potentially have sex with me.
"So, who are you waiting on?"
"Some guy that a friend of mine set me up with."
"Blind date?"
"I know what you're going to say. But really I'm doing this as a favor for a girlfriend of mine."
I had to ask. There was no other way. I had to ask.
"Nicole, are you ... a lesbian?"
"What? Why would you ask me that?"
"But are you?"
"No. Of course not."
"You are."
"Uh ..."
"You are. Admit it."
She nodded. "How did you know?"
"Shit. I can't believe this."
"Don't tell mom. You know what she'd say. I'll do anything. Please don't tell mom."
"So who is this woman that you're dating?"
"I'm not just dating her. We're married."
"Lesbian married?"
"Don't tell. Please don't tell."
"Ok, well, when do I get to meet her?"
"I know I should have invited you. But I was scared."
"Relax. Just tell me about her."
"She's nice."
"Just nice? You married her. There has to be something more than nice."
"She's Melony."
"Melony? My Melony."
"Oh I knew you were going to take it that way."
"Melony! Fuck. No wonder."
"Don't be like that. She didn't even know she was that way until after ..."
"So, my wife is out on a date with my ex right now."
