I felt pretty awkward as I headed down to breakfast the next morning. I think we all did. I mean, how do you sit down to breakfast with your mom and ignore the fact that you were enthusiastically finger-fucking your sister just a few hours ago? Mostly, we all just sort of kept our eyes on our food.
Luckily, Mom was thoroughly engrossed in her morning ritual of reading the editorial pages of the newspaper and didn't notice. She really gets engrossed in them, even going so far as to yell at the people who wrote the Letters to the Editor. This morning was no exception.
"What
planet
are you from??? Do you
really
believe that the reason we have overcrowded prisons is just because we have too many laws???"
Pete leaned over and tapped the paper. "Mom, you
do
realize they can't hear you, right?"
"Yes, Peter, I know. Not that it would help if most of these people
could
hear me. I swear, the editors must purposely throw away anything that looks like it was written by someone with a three-digit IQ." She turned the page and we all promptly ceased to exist again as she submerged herself in the syndicated editorials.
Michelle spoke up. "Dickie, could I borrow your car for a couple hours? Mine's acting up, and I need to hit the campus library and work on my term paper."
"Why can't you take Pete's truck instead? I was going to-"
"Pick up the lawnmower from the repair shop?" Mom interrupted. "I really don't think it will fit in your VW, Dickie."
I stared at Mom, speechless. I would have
sworn
that she was completely oblivious to the rest of us while she was reading the editorials.
""Richard, you really don't mean to tell me that you had planned to go waste the whole day with your friends again, do you? After promising me that you were finally going to get to patching the holes in the living room drywall from your broom handle lightsaber imitations?"
I hung my head in embarrassment, remembering how I got carried away the day we bought Episode III. "But Mom ..."
"It's ok, Dickie, you don't have to patch the wall today. You're not very good at spackling anyway. Besides, you'll be too busy with the laundry and Michelle's other chores, since she has a term paper to work on."
Pete punched my shoulder. "Score another one for Mom!"
"What are you smirking about, Peter? Just how long do you think it's going to take you to finish the lawn after you pick up the mower, considering it's been growing the whole three weeks that the mower has been in the small-engine shop?" Pete froze, suddenly looking mortally wounded. Michelle rushed to rescue him by changing the subject.
"Mom, maybe you could just drop me off at the library?"
"No, Michelle, I'm probably going to be at the office until at least 3 or 4 this afternoon. This case is
very
important, and there's a lot that has to be done yet to get things perfect before we go to trial on Monday. Besides, I'm ready to leave right now, and you still need to go find something to cover the hickey on your neck."
Michelle was stunned. Pete and I were too. Mom had
never
said anything like that before, not right out in front of all three of us. She didn't even seem to notice, though. "I suppose it's cool enough out that you could pull off a scarf without being obvious. But I can see I'll have to take some time later to teach you how to cover those with makeup."
She took in the looks on all of our faces, and giggled. "Come
on
, kids.
Think
! I couldn't very well have had a daughter at seventeen without learning something about what you do on the way home from dates." She shook her head. "I'm just glad I got you started on the Pill last year." Chelley blushed
bright
red.