I've always had a thing for older men. If I were to practice some Poundland psychotherapy here I would suggest it's because my biological father, my mother's wasteman of a husband, was simply absent. I mean he was physically present until I was about 7 and then he just fucked off. I never did know why he left or where he went, it wasn't really talked about, at least not by us.
I do know that our family was talked about though: "Poor Mrs Begum trying to bring up that child by herself without a man to control her" that sort of thing. I wasn't supposed to hear the comments but frankly it was difficult not to. I also knew that Mum struggled with the bills and often went without to make sure I had school uniform and food on the table.
I first became properly aware when I was at Uni, I had such a crush on my tutor Mr Smithson. Mr S was tall, dark and brooding, probably early 40s, and more than once during tutorial he had to ask me whether I had heard what he was saying. Of course I hadn't. I had drifted off into my world where he was seducing me with his deep eyes and I would undress for him and he would fall in love with my slim brown body and then whisk me off to a luxury hotel for a weekend of debauchery.
But sadly until I was 22 my entire love life had been lived inside my head. Although Mum was still introducing me to nice boys with good prospects I was not interested. I am fairly sure she thought I preferred girls and I was getting more than a little worried when the aunties would get together to discuss what sounded like a full-on intervention in order to get me married off.
Then I met Patrick. I had started work for a local charity in Leicester, my job was to interview homeless people, do a quick assessment of what they needed - other than a home of course - and then refer them to a caseworker. I did like the work and although I had only been there for three months I had already decided I wanted to be a caseworker.
Patrick was the Director, he had been there for about 20 years and was nearing 50. He was helpful and friendly, always direct and to the point and he knew so much about what services were available and what to say to access those services for our clients. He was also popular in the office and the subject of much gossip amongst the women in the team. One of them even described in quite explicit detail exactly what she planned to do to various bits of his anatomy to the extent that I had to excuse myself and head to the bathrooms to calm down.
As I said Patrick was nearly 50 so he was over twice my age; he was also white and I am south asian, of bengali heritage; he was christian and I am a not very observant Muslim, although I do still wear my abaya and hijab for work; he was also, if the gossip was true, newly divorced, and I was so single it was not funny. I had never even kissed a boy.
But he used to make me so hot and bothered, especially the way he used to look at me over the top of his glasses when he thought I could not see him. At first I told myself it was just another of my fanciful crushes, and then, after I had caught him looking at me and he had looked away guiltily, I thought that he was just fetishising me, as if I was someone exotic to him, my headscarf and modest clothing made me unapproachable and therefore attractive. At least that's how my fevered brain was thinking.
Except, of course, I was right. I am sure you already know what happened. He started to take an interest in me at work, he asked me out to lunch one day, we talked easily but I could sense how interested he was when I explained that I did not have a boyfriend and had never had one but I did not see the red flag. I was excited by how interested he was in me and after all the older men I had thought about and lusted over Patrick was the only one who understood me, at least that's how I saw it.
One thing led to another of course, we had lunch again and then again and then he asked me to meet him for a coffee one weekend, which was a big step of course. I was unchaperoned and meeting an older man in public so I was nervous and he sensed that so he suggested we go somewhere quieter, which turned out to be his flat which was conveniently just around the corner from the coffee shop. Which was when he touched me for the first time. I mean we had shaken hands once before when I had started work but when he placed his hand gently on my back when we got to his front door I felt a tingle run all through me.
Over the next hour he touched me again, firstly he put his hand on mine when I was telling him about growing up as a young muslim woman in a single parent household and then when he sat next to me to show me photographs of his travels in an album and his arm was pressed against mine. I'm sure you will be thinking how innocent this all is but this was the first time I had been alone like this with a man and I really did not know what I was supposed to do. It seemed so natural for him to be sitting so close to me and he seemed so oblivious to how he was making me feel.
But he wasn't at all, as I found out when he leaned in and kissed me. My first real kiss with a man. I knew the basics, I had seen enough romantic films to know I was supposed to open my mouth and that we would use tongues but I was unprepared for how hot I would feel, and how wet I would get as I began to ache between my legs. Then he kissed my neck and below my ears and I felt this urge and I panicked, I wasn't ready to lose my virginity like this, it was completely against my conditioning. That then led to me feeling guilty. I felt I had led him on, I could see the bulge in his trousers and I knew I had done that so I instinctively reached out and my hand rested on his swollen cock and he gasped.
Not quite knowing what to do next I waited, he was still kissing me and I was kissing him back although with less urgency now as I was beginning to feel uncomfortable as I knew I wasn't going to sleep with him. And yes I do know there would be no sleeping involved.
Then his hips began to move and I felt him pushing himself against my hand and almost automatically my fingers grasped the shape of his cock inside his trousers and the next thing I knew his hands were at his belt and undoing his trousers and before I knew it I had his cock in my hand. My first cock. It was hot and heavy and thick and my hand could barely reach all the way around. I pulled back on it gently and felt it grow harder in my hand and he was muttering. It was something crass like "Oh Shazia, that's so good" but honestly I was too focused on what I was doing to hear him properly. I was worried that if I did not make him cum then he might rape me and then I would lose my job and I could become pregnant and I would be ruined. All these things were running around inside my head as I stroked him.
But, to my immense relief, he just lay back on the sofa pulling his trousers and shorts down so that his cock was unrestrained and he was breathing heavily. I listened to him and responded to his wishes as he asked me to do it harder or faster or not so tight or to slow down a little and his breathing became faster until suddenly he tensed and his cock twitched and spurts of hot sticky cum shot out all over my hand.
He was very good about it and after a few seconds when he had his breath back he reached over and passed me a box of tissues and I cleaned him and myself before I got up and went into his bathroom to wash my hands. I sat on the toilet for a few minutes thinking 'wow I had made a man cum' and how horny that had made me feel but I was also worried now that he wouldn't want to see me again, or that he would want to see me again but that he would want to fuck me. To say I was conflicted would be an understatement. I flushed the toilet and washed my hands and straightened my hijab as a few strands of my long black hair had come loose. I practiced my smile in the mirror and then left the bathroom.
He had straightened himself up and done up his trousers and was sitting there looking through the photos as if nothing had happened. Don't get me wrong he wasn't completely insensitive, he did ask me if I was OK and I smiled and said "oh yes, that was so hot" and immediately regretted it but he just smiled and let it pass.
Over the next few months we met up again and again and I became quite the expert at handjobs and eventually I had to start bringing a clean hijab with me as he liked to cum on my headscarf. Then, of course, he asked me to kiss it.