Kendall's hands trembled as she tried everything possible to stall for more time, terrified of the slender box in her hands. She read the pregnancy test instructions over and over again, trying to calm her nerves and find the bravery to get it over with. Shawn nervously watched her body language, noticing her hands shaking. He knew the weight of their situation and fully understood what was happening to her, but he had never seen her in such a terrified state. The air was so silent he could hear the box rattling while she read the directions.
"I don't think I can do this..." Kendall whined, closing her eyes and dropping the box on the counter.
"Come on, you've got this," Shawn gently encouraged her, "I'm right here."
"Shawn," Kendall sighed stressfully, looking up at him, "I can't even open it! And what happens if I really
am
pregnant!? What happens if-"
"Hey, listen to me!" Shawn snapped, grabbing her hands to keep her from melting down, "Kendall, look at me."
Her eyes welled up, and her breathing shook as she stared into his eyes, struggling not to panic. Shawn's intoxicating touch, which usually made every bad thing go away, did not have the same effect this time, and she felt helpless against her anxiety. The overwhelming bondage of being on the verge of their entire world changing against their will crippled her.
"I'm not going anywhere, ya weirdo," Shawn chuckled with a gentle smile, rubbing the tops of her hands with his thumbs, "and no matter what that thing says, I'm still gonna love you. Nothing will ever change that. We can handle whatever happens after this. I promise!"
Tears streamed down Kendall's cheeks as she listened to her brother pour out his love for her. It sounded pure and effortless. But as much as she wanted to calm down and trust him, she felt helpless against the clutches of her fears. Thoughts of their parents and friends abandoning them seeped in. The constricting terror of everyone shunning them for loving each other suffocated her. Kendall knew she wasn't ready to be put through such hell, and Shawn would never be able to survive it. He was far too gentle, dreading all forms of confrontation. She knew it would never be as easy as he tried to make it sound, but his bravery in the face of their dilemma was the only thing keeping her from panicking. His warm touch barely held her together as her emotions fizzed.
"What are we gonna do if I'm pregnant, Shawn?" She quietly sobbed, staring into his eyes, "we can't hide a baby! We can't just lie our way out of this!"
"Hey," Shawn reached up and rubbed her cheek, drying a single tear with his thumb, "what if we don't have to? What if you're not?"
"I guess you're right..." Kendall sniffed, realizing she was jumping the gun.
"Yeah," Shawn nodded with a warm grin, "let's see if you're pregnant before we panic about hiding a baby, okay?"
Kendall nodded, fighting to keep her tears in.
"Here," Shawn calmly opened the box and closed Kendall's hand around the pregnancy test, "remember. No matter what it says, everything will be okay."
"Promise?" Kendall's voice broke, stricken with anxiety.
Shawn nodded, holding his pinky out.
"You want me to stay out here?" He asked.
Kendall nodded, locking pinkies with him and looking him over with an embarrassed smirk.
"Sure," Shawn chuckled, loving her cute expression and respecting her boundaries.
Kendall nervously clutched the pregnancy test and approached the toilet.
"Okay," she sighed heavily, feeling her nerves jitter, "just... Don't be right against the door, okay? I won't be able to concentrate."
"I'll be all the way on the other side of the room, and I won't make a peep," Shawn answered reassuringly.
Kendall looked him over one final time as he closed the door for her.
"Hey," Shawn said with a gentle grin, peeking in from her bedroom, "I love you. You can do this."
"I love you too. See you soon," Kendall quietly responded, watching the door shut.
Shawn's demeanor changed immediately as he approached the bed now that Kendall couldn't see him, feeling his heartbeat pulsating behind his eyeballs. He folded his hands behind his head, huffing with stress as he paced around. The thought of having to become a father terrified him. How would their parents ever understand when the time came? It took everything out of him to keep Kendall's spirits high, and he could feel himself on the verge of buckling from his own anxiety. He knew Kendall needed his support to go through with the test, but he was just as afraid. The rest of their lives depended on its results, and the suspense nearly made him nauseous. How could he possibly be a good father, having so much left to figure out in life? He knew he wasn't ready for such a thing, and the idea of raising a child scared him because, in some ways, he still felt like one. Shawn had never been more grotesquely aware of how young he still was until now. The stress of the situation practically squeezed his lungs as he fought off visions of struggling to take care of a baby.
Kendall sat on the toilet, breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth, struggling to calm down. She held the pregnancy test with both hands, staring at it, fighting for the bravery to use it. With shaking hands, she finally lowered it between her legs, opting for the urinary method first. It took all of her focus and concentration to relax her body enough to pee on the stick. She closed her eyes, still trembling, but could finally wet the stick enough for proper results. Kendall stood up from the toilet, sliding her panties up in a hurry and setting the test on her sink. She washed her hands, staring at the strip, bracing for whatever may come.
"Okay, three to five minutes, it said..." She whispered stressfully to herself as she dried her hands.
Kendall had never used at-home tests before, relying on her doctor for weekly labs while trying with Bradley. She suddenly noticed she didn't have her phone with her as she looked around for it to use as a timer. She had left it downstairs. She palmed her forehead, wishing she didn't have to pace in her bathroom for the world's longest five minutes. As Kendall wandered the same steps repeatedly in a stressful manner, her eyes kept glancing for signs of results, and her brain spiraled. What would happen to them if the results were positive? What kind of chaos was their lack of self-control about to send them into? The very thought of having this talk with their parents made her want to vomit. Imagining the betrayal in their eyes tore her apart. How could she possibly expect them to understand her feelings for Shawn? Would they blame him first? How would she protect him if so?
Her eyes wandered to the strip again, causing her to freeze in place as a spec of color emerged. She rushed forward and yanked the strip off the sink, staring at it, holding her breath. As the two blue lines appeared, she panicked and reached for the box to reread the results, making sure she wasn't hallucinating from stress. Her arm went limp, and her eyes slowly wandered up until she was staring at herself in the mirror in disbelief.
"Oh, fuck..." She whispered with dread.
"No, no, no,
fuck
," Kendall quietly panicked, scrambling to rip open the next box, praying it would say otherwise.
She read in an article that some pregnancy tests are better at providing definitive answers than others. Kendall held the blood test variant in her hand, scanning the instructions on the box. Once confident, she sterilized the needle and got into position to draw from her thumb. Her hands continued shaking, making it difficult to get a clean puncture. This method was more complicated than the previous test, but Kendall controlled her breathing and steadied her hand.
"Please,
please
say something different," she whined, carefully collecting a few drops with the pipette and sucking her thumb to stop the bleeding.
She applied the blood to the cassette and finalized the test, setting it on her sink to await its results. After taking a few steps back, Kendall folded her hands as if praying, resting her knuckles against her chin. She stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity, waiting for results to appear. Her eyes never left the strip despite taking noticeably longer than the previous one. Kendall's gut told her there was no point in taking another test. The chances of the first one giving her a false positive were almost zero. But she had to be certain. If both tests showed the same results, that would be the answer she had to accept.
"Come on, come on..." Kendall whispered with her eyes closed and her hands folded against her mouth, pleading for a single line to appear.
She slowly opened her eyes, noticing the strip had changed. Her body jolted forward to see it closer. Two red lines, clear as day, marked the strip. Kendall's shoulders gently lowered as she deflated, finally accepting the reality she dreaded. She was pregnant.
"Great... What are we gonna do now?" Kendall's muffled voice cracked as she covered her face, struggling to digest everything and keep her tears in.
Every fear she harbored flooded her mind. The numbing anxiety of the world learning about their fucked up secret paralyzed her. Grace, their parents, and everyone else they struggled so hard to evade would inevitably know the truth. It was only a matter of time, and time had rarely been in their favor since the start of their taboo endeavor. The most painful part of it all was that Kendall did not care what anyone thought of them. She was wildly in love with Shawn, never second-guessing their relationship. She needed him. But the world finding out about them would ruin everything, and she knew he didn't deserve to endure that for loving her. Shawn was the most important thing in the world to her, and Kendall only wanted him to feel safe and loved. This new development would rip him away from the warmth of their comfortable, normal lives because nobody would ever understand their feelings for each other.
Her next hurdle came in the form of emerging to tell Shawn the results, but her anxiety trapped her in the bathroom, terrified to show him. As supportive as he had been, she had no way of knowing how he would react once given the news, and she couldn't prevent her mind from creating the worst possible scenarios. She reflected on the night Grace barged in, recalling Shawn saying he wasn't ready to be a dad yet. How would he handle their new reality? What if Shawn demanded she get rid of it to preserve their secret? Would he truly still love her if she refused to have an abortion? As much as she wanted to believe his loving, supportive behavior minutes prior, what if it was an act? What if Shawn was counting on the test coming back negative with no way of dealing with it if it showed otherwise? She silently prayed he was being genuine, struggling to open the bathroom door and tell him.
Another idea suddenly entered Kendall's mind. She had her primary doctor's cell number, who could provide more insight into their situation. It was fleeting, but Kendall ran with it.
The bathroom door partially opened, and Kendall peeked at Shawn, who immediately spun around to face her from the other side of the room. His face had shock, fear, desperation, and every other anxious emotion plastered across it. Kendall suddenly felt terrible, realizing he must have just undergone the longest fifteen minutes of his life waiting for her. He practically ran toward the door, unable to handle the suspense.
"How'd it go?" He asked, growing more nervous as Kendall did not emerge.
"F-fine... Um, do me a favor?" Kendall mumbled, showing only half of her face through the crack in the door.
"Sure, anything!" Shawn nodded, wondering why she wouldn't come out.
"Can you go grab my phone? It's downstairs..." Kendall quietly asked, not wanting Shawn to see the test results behind her.
