"Jeremy honey, you'd agree we've always been a sex positive family, right?"
Jeremy turned and looked at his mother, then picked up the remote and turned off the TV. "Sorry, I think I must've misheard that."
"Sex positive. We have been, right?"
"Okay, never mind, I heard right," said Jeremy. "Fantastic. All of the most normal and non traumatising conversations start this way."
"Come on, no need to be so dramatic. I just mean like, your father and I never made you ashamed of sex, right? And you'd feel like we can talk about that kind of thing without it being too awkward?"
He shrugged. "I suppose."
"Like, we told you that if you're going to be sexually active, you'd be fine to do it here, just make sure you're being safe."
"Yeah, you say that, but I know first hand that the walls around here are not the thickest."
She paused. "What do you mean?" He gave her a pointed look. "Oh!" She blushed, but continued, "Well, at least you always knew your parents had a healthy sex life. And I'm sure we tried to make sure you were never embarrassed about masturbation, or watching pornography; although you know, some of those performers are not treated well, and it's important to be aware of how ethically produced your entertainment is..."
"Mum, if I agree that we've always been sex positive, will you agree to skip ahead to the point?"
"All right, so you've been to strip clubs, right?"
He raised an eyebrow. "Well, sure, once or twice. Honestly they're kind of shitty."
"Oh, why is that?"
"So, I went with some of my mates for a buck's night. And there's something kind of awkward about watching a performance designed to turn you on in public while hanging out with mates."
"Oh," she said. "I suppose that makes sense. You'd know a good performance if you saw one though, right?"
He shrugged. "Sure, I guess."
She beamed. "Great! So, obviously we've already established that your father and I have a healthy sex life."
"So this isn't about me visiting strip clubs?"
"It kind of is. I want to surprise your father, and I wanted a man's opinion."
"If your surprise is to take him to a strip club, this man's opinion is 'don't bother'."
"Not exactly. Or kind of, in a manner of speaking."
"Uh huh."
"You know what, just wait here for a moment, I'll be right back."
She left the room, and he shrugged and turned the TV back on. After a few minutes, his mum came back in wearing a nurse's uniform. Not a real nurse's uniform, mind. He turned off the TV. "That uniform doesn't seem up to code."
She laughed. "All right, but does it seem like something you might've seen at a strip club?"
"Again, I've only been a couple of times," he said. "But sure, although I haven't seen a stripper in an actual nurse costume, it doesn't look like it would be completely out of place."
"Good enough," she said. "And what kind of music do they usually play?"
He shrugged. "I don't know, any kind of music you can dance to. Sometimes they have like, a whole persona, and they're just dancing to music that fits that persona."
"Ah, so I should dance to some nurse music."
"Ah yes, nurse music. Maybe some nursecore. Or some nursewave."
"Uh, sure," she said. "Something like that sounds good, but I don't think I have either of those." She went over to the entertainment unit and turned on some music.
He raised an eyebrow. "You don't get much classical music in strip clubs."
"And they're all the worse for it," she said. "Besides, your father likes classical music."
He shrugged. "The customer is always right, I suppose."
"That's not exactly what that means," she said, "but sure." She started moving, a little awkwardly at first, mostly just stepping from side to side.
"Ah yes, very high school dance," he said. "Maybe you should've gone with a schoolgirl's outfit."
"Rude," she said, "but your point is taken." She started to move her body more, rolling her hips from side to side, then, still shaking her hips, slowly turned around until she was facing away from him, her butt shaking from side to side in front of him.
"All right," he said, "I was sceptical of the classical music, but I'm coming around."
"That's right," she said. "Nothing like a bit of the old Ludwig van to get the blood pumping."
"Is that some kind of car?"
She shook her head, then took her nurse's hat off and threw it to one side. She unbuttoned her uniform shirt, shimmied out of it, then looked back at Jeremy over her shoulder. "What do you think so far? Think this would be a nice surprise for your father?"
He shrugged, non committally. "Maybe? I wouldn't want to speak for someone else, different people like different things."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah, I mean maybe he's not into the striptease thing, who knows."
"Well, all right, there's more to it. Sit tight." She turned to face him, shimmied out of the uniform's skirt as well, and kicked it over to him; it landed on his face. She strutted over to him. He pushed the skirt to one side, and looked up to see her turn away from him again and stick her butt out. She squatted so she was almost in his lap, then started gyrating her butt from side to side.
"You're not going to try to twerk, are you?"
She laughed. "Would it be so bad if I did?"
"I dunno," he said, "I feel like you're just a little too white for twerking."
She laughed again. "Well, I'll keep that in mind for any future stripteases." She squatted down even further, then sat down on his left leg; she started grinding back and forward on it. "Just gonna let me do all the work myself, huh?"
"Hey, there's no touching in the clubs."
"Well, let's pretend that when I surprise your dad, we'll be acting as if he's in the champagne room."
"Well, I've never been there."
"You can touch, all right?" she said. "Just put your hands on my hips or something."
"I dunno," he said. "Maybe we've gone far enough. I feel like I kinda get the idea."
"Oh come on," she said, "just let me finish the routine. And if it's less weird, hold onto my waist or something."
He sighed. "All right, fine." But he grabbed onto her hips. She turned her head and raised an eyebrow. He shrugged. "Just seems like a better grip here." She continued to grind along his leg, helped along by him gently pushing and pulling her by the hips.
She ground her way all the way up his leg, her back to his chest, then pushed his legs together, straddling him, her butt in his lap. She continued to grind her butt into his lap, back and forth, side to side. She unfastened her bra; it was a front fastener, so he didn't initially realise what she was doing. She covered her breasts with one arm, while with the other hand she dropped the bra on his head.
"Whoa," he said. "Really?" He didn't let go of her hips, though, and he didn't stop helping her grind into his lap.
"Didn't the strippers you saw go topless at some point?"
"Well yeah, but..."
"I'm almost at the end of the routine honey, you can push through the last bit of weirdness, right?"
He sighed. "All right."
"Hold on to me," she said. "I haven't tried this move on a person before, you've got to make sure I don't fall. Get ready to grab my legs."
"What move?"
Using her butt as a pivot point in his lap, she rotated her whole body, her legs swinging up over his shoulders. He frantically moved his hands around, trying to make sure he kept her up, then held onto her thighs once she stopped. She laughed. "I don't know if that move's staying in the routine, but I wanted to try it."
He chuckled as well. "Any show can use a bit of comedy."
"All right, I need to move my legs. Hold onto my waist." He did so, and she pointed both of her toes straight up, then spread her feet wide so her legs were in a 'v' shape. Then she brought them back together, and back towards her torso, knees to her chest, her lower legs almost touching her face.
"Damn," he said. "I wish I had even half your flexibility."
