I remember our first time the way you'd remember a vivid dream. It was Robby's first time ever, a fact that I never cease to lord over him.
It was late at night, during our freshman year at Juliard, and we were in our beds trying to sleep. At least I was trying to sleep, Robby was masturbating. I could hear from across the room, that familiar rustle of cloth paired with the husky breathing associated with an elevated heart rate. It was shameless.
"Robby either hurry it up over there or quit making so much noise, you're giving me a problem."
The rustling stopped. "Yeah, what am I doing that so offends your finer sensibilities?" I could tell by his voice that he was embarrassed I'd called him out on it.
"You're jerkin' it like your life depends on it. Hurry up." I was such a bastard, digging away at a raw nerve. Robby's crystalline virginity at age eighteen, and subsequently abundant masturbation comprised something of a taboo subject. Even with me.
"Oh yeah? If you want me done quicker, why don't you just man up and come over here and gimme a hand!"
I was taken aback. It was always a contest between the two of us, who could out-shock the other. But for once he sounded-- serious never applies to my brother, he sounded sincere.
"Robby, you naughty thing! You'll be jailed for that kind of talk."
"Possibly executed."
"It'll be the electric chair for you."
"Lethal injection."
"Not to mention what mom and dad would do to us."
"Dismemberment, at the very least."
"Castration, even."
There was a long pause.
"So what're we waiting for?"
I considered this proposal. Or at least pretended to. "Alright," I shrugged, "Come here."
Completely naked, he threw back his covers and strode across the room to my bed. I couldn't help but notice that the erection bobbing between his legs was an exact replica of mine.
We had never done anything like this before. It was like the boundary we couldn't cross. We'd kissed, we'd slept in the same bed, but we'd never crossed the line into sex acts. As odd as it sounds, those things we did were more expressions of companionship than sexual desire. It was almost as if we were both afraid of committing that one social taboo, that scary "I" word.
As he slid between the sheets with me, I held up a finger. "I'll do this on one condition." My heart was pounding. I was almost afraid of him noticing.
"Let's hear it."
"You've got to return the favor."
He pretended to consider the proposal, then shrugged. "Okay."
We lay on our sides, facing one another. Before I could think twice about what we were about to do, I reached down between us and quested for his cock, finding it like an old familiar friend. I marveled at how completely identical we were, pulling my hand up and down along his shaft.