Genesis 19 King James Version (KJV)
30 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two 18+ year old daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.
31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:
32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
34 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
36 Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.
"Dad? There's someone here to see you," Lois called.
"Who is it?" The suspicious undertone of the voice was obvious as it boomed out from deep within the cave.
"She says she's from the department of Work and Pensions?" Lois replied.
"The Department of Work and Pensions? Those bleeders are almost as bad as the tax office. Relentless bastards." A dull thud arrived at the cave's entrance and kept arriving over and over as series of echoes. "Ooh fuck, me head." The exclamation was followed by a string of incomprehensible muttering. The words themselves might not have been clear but the sentiment certainly was. "What's point of going into hiding in these bleeding caves if you're going to get hounded... hang on a minute, she?"
"Definitely a she, Dad. Says her name is Helah."
"Any weapons?" Lot enquired.
"None that I can see."
"Make her take her clothes off. Can't trust them bleeders from the WAP. You hear stories about them taking a pound of flesh and I'm not sure that it's one of them watchamcalls metaphorics or not. And I think I know which particular pound she'd be after and I'm not going to take the chance."
"Dad says you have to take your clothes off," Lois parroted.
"She says, 'Or what?'"
"Or I'm not coming out."
"Or he's not coming out." There was a lengthy pause. "She's doing it, Dad. She's getting naked."
"I like your undercrackers," Lydia said. "Very trendy. No, I don't think he'll come out if you leave them on. Nice tits. Lois, hasn't she got lovely tits?"
"Mmmm, lovely. And that's an unusual piercing."
"OK Dad, she's naked." Lot blinked against the light as he stooped through the low entrance of the cave. Helah was sitting on a rock with the sun highlighting her breasts and legs. Her back was arched and she'd pushed her shoulders back to emphasise her feminine curves.
"There's no point showing off your body like that. I'm immune to female charms. Don't think you can make my mind go bendy." Helah let her legs fall apart a little. "That's an interesting piercing. Bet that made your eyes water."
"It's just so pretty," Helah said, looking down between her legs. "It did hurt but it was definitely worth it." The woman from the DWP took hold of the jewel and used it to stretch her labia. Lot tried to drag his gaze away as he felt his mind go bendy.
Due to its strategic location, few people ever saw Helah's little pendant. For many, seeing that pendant was the last genuinely happy moment of their miserable lives. Helah was pleased with the way Lot and his daughters were being mesmerised - it'd make her job easier. "Anyway. I'm here on official business. The thing is, it has been brought to our attention that you have abandoned your previous residence. Is that correct?"
"Yes. Things were getting hairier than a dead donkey down there in Zoar," Lot said, desperately trying to concentrate.
"The problem is that with you living in this... cave... it's going to affect your benefits."
"My benefits?"
"Obviously your housing benefit has become null and void. And I believe you were recently widowed, so you'll lose your marriage allowance. And also," Helah said, pressing on with impressive professionalism against a scowl dark enough to consume all the heat and light in the surrounding desert. "Your child support."
Lot was stunned into silence. "According to my records, neither of your daughters is with child, so I'm going to have to stop your payments."
"But..." Lot started to protest. Helah shifted uncomfortably on her rock, preparing to deliver more bad news.
"I'm afraid I'll also have to pass on your details to the tax office."
"But we haven't even got..." Lot protested.
"It might be good news."
"There's never any good news with those bastards. They'll bleed the blood from your veins those lot."
"Well, it might be different this time."
"Different?"
"Well, there'll be no chimney tax, no window tax. You might even be in for a rebate." Helah gathered her clothes in readiness for leaving.
"This child support... when does it kick in?" Lydia asked.
"From as soon as a woman reports her pregnancy. Got to look after out for our pregnant woman. Lots of infertility around these days and with God on the rampage, the death rate has reached... well, unknowable levels."
"It's just that I'm pregnant," Lydia announced. Lot's eyes boggled.
"You're pregnant? But we've not seen anyone..."
"Hush, Dad. I'm pregnant too," Lois added.
"What?"
"Sorry, Dad. There were these..." Lois started.
"Traders..." Lydia continued.