"Happy birthday, Viv," I grin, snapping one last picture of my stepdaughter as she poses with her cupcake. She gives me a cute smile and blows out the 'nineteen' candle in its center, giggling as a round of applause erupts from nearby tables. There may be a storm outside, but here in the restaurant it's cozy and cheerful as people clap along, joining in our little celebration.
"Thank youu," she smiles shyly to the strangers, giving them a small wave. She's so sweet and kind, it's no wonder people like her everywhere we go. I sneak in another photo, suppressing a pang of regret -- she just looks so much like her mother sometimes. It kills me every day that things didn't work out between us, but at least I've got my Vivian again.
She looks back to me, her big brown almond-shaped eyes alight with excitement. A slender young woman of medium height, she wears her silky dark hair long, her bangs swept to the side, her features cute and petite from her Vietnamese heritage.
"Soo, what did you wish for?" I ask, leaning in.
"I can't tell you, come on," she scoffs with a scandalized laugh. "If I do then I don't get my wish. And you're not costing me a wish, mister."
She grins, carefully putting the cupcake away in her to-go box.
"Fine fine fine. What are you doing, though -- you're not gonna eat it? I brought the candle so you could have it here."
"No, I'm full...we can have it later," she says, sucking frosting off her finger.
"Later? I'm going to bed!" I tease.
"Dad! Come on; we both know you aren't," she says with an annoyed tick of the tongue. I laugh. She's right, of course -- it's been awhile since we could celebrate one of her birthdays, what with her mom and I splitting up and all. Now that she's living with me for school, though, we have a tradition to reinstate: 'movies til midnight.'
I shrug and let out a yawn. "Well we'd better get going then, or I'll be asleep before the first one ends."
"Fine. I'm driving," she springs up, an excited, mischievous look on her face.
"What? Viv it's..."
"I know I know, it's a new car, you just got it. Blah blah blah. I'll be careful!" she grins, pulling on her jacket.
"No, Viv, it's storming out...and dark. The roads are wet, and--"
"And you're sleepy," she counters with a winning smile. I'm already mid-yawn again, and I can't help but laugh. She got me there. I look her over, so happy and full of life. God how I've missed her.
"Alright alright, fine," I agree, gathering up my coat and dangling my keys. "But we're going slow."
She rolls her eyes as she takes them, leading the way out of the restaurant. "Yeah yeah Dad, I know..."
*
Sure enough, it's windy and wet out as we make our way home. I can't help but feel tense as Vivian leans over the steering wheel, peering out past the headlights, taking each turn just a bit too fast or a smidge too slow. I know she didn't get much driving practice while living with her mom...Kim is weirdly overprotective with her about some things, and absolutely absent on other issues. It's part of the reason for their strained relationship, I think -- the two really aren't all that alike.
She gives me a nervous glance from time to time, and I reassure her with a warm smile, keeping my apprehensions to myself. For six years I was her stability, a break in the revolving door of boyfriends her mom never seemed satisfied with. I suppose things didn't last with me, either...but still. I stuck around long enough to become 'Dad,' even after the divorce, and I'm proud of that.
It's a twenty minute drive through the woods back to my place, and we pass the time listening to whatever she likes on the radio, arguing about what movies we're going to watch.
"I don't want to watch anything *old*, though," she says, crinkling her nose. "Besides, it's my birthday, so I should get to pick the first one."
"Well I don't want to watch anything that's going to put me to sleep," I counter, easing back into my seat. I'm finally almost able to relax; just a few more miles to go.
"How about a musical?"
"Ugh!"
"Dad! Come on! You can't just say no to every--"
"Viv!"
The deer comes out of nowhere as she takes a too-fast turn; startled, she panics, swerving the car back the other way, losing control of it as we start to spin. She screams, and everything is a blur; all I can think to do is reach across and uselessly grab the wheel as we turn and turn again. My stomach feels like it's going to fly out of me, and at the same time it all feels so surreal, like I'm watching this happen to someone else.
Miraculously, we don't hit anything -- thank god for the pullout here. We come to a stop along the opposite shoulder of the road, pointed the wrong way, both of us shaking.
"Oh my god...are you okay sweetie?" I turn to her as soon as I'm able.
She's trembling all over, holding the wheel in a white-knuckle grip. She looks to me, eyes huge, and slowly nods her head. Then she bursts into tears.
"Oh honey, oh Viv..." I reach out, hugging her across the center console. She leans into me, sobbing against my shoulder; I stroke her hair, muttering reassurances and trying to calm down myself.
"C-could you drive the rest of the way, Dad?" she whimpers after a long minute.
"Of course, baby."
*
She's distraught when we get home, and I walk up the drive with my arm around her, the wind whipping at us, the storm only seeming to get worse. I tell her again and again it wasn't her fault, that it could happen to anyone, that we're safe and that's what matters.
She won't hear it; she's devastated, and she starts up anew when we discover the mangled remains of her cupcake.
"We can still eat it," I say with a small smile, trying to cheer her. It doesn't work -- she hurries back to her room, still in tears.
Fuck. I feel terrible. I shouldn't have let her be in that situation. I'd wanted to encourage her, to let her try something. I'd wanted to help her grow...I'd wanted to be a better parent than Kim.
The realization hits me, and it makes me feel even wore. Had I put Vivian up to something dangerous just for the sake of my own ego? I have to make this right, I can still save this birthday. Afterall, I'm here and Kim isn't -- she skipped town as soon as Viv got into college. I'm the one who stuck around. I'm Dad.
With a sigh and shake of my head, I go out to the living room and queue up one of those awful teen musicals she loves so much, microwaving a bag of popcorn as I pass through the kitchen.
"Movie's on," I call out as I knock on her door.
Silence. I knock again. "Come on Viv. I'm up til midnight no matter what, so don't make me watch 'em all by myself."
The door swings open -- she's got a blanket partially over her head, her makeup smeared from tears. Still, she's stopped crying at least, and she gives me a pouty look and nods her head, following me out to the living room.
I settle on the couch, but she stops in front of me and fixes me with an agonized look. "Dad, I am so, so--"
"Shh shh shh," I shush her quavering voice, shaking my head gently. "Baby don't apologize. It was an accident. Like I said, it could have happened to anyone. It was dark, it was wet, the dumb deer just jumped out. It's okay. It happens."
"But Dad I could have--"
"No, sweetie. Listen. We are okay. There's guardrails there for a reason. We're lucky we didn't hit anything, but you weren't going that fast -- it was just slippery. It's a new car, it's got airbags, it's got everything. We were gonna be okay, no matter what."
She drops her chin and pouts again, gnawing at her lip. "But I could have wrecked your new car..."
I give her the biggest smile I can. "Baby that doesn't matter, I don't care about that -- what matters is that we're safe. I'm just happy to be home with you; I'm just glad we're here together. Alright? Come here, have a seat. Let's watch some movies, okay?"
She blinks away further tears, her mouth perking up ever so slightly. "I love you, Dad," she says as she scurries over, settling beside me. She nestles against me the way she did when she was younger and I chuckle, putting an arm around her and petting her hair.
"I love you too sweetie."
With that I finally start the movie, while Viv fusses about finding pillows for me to lay against. "Get comfortable," she says, nudging me towards the arm of the couch.
Soon we're lying side by side, watching the opening credits roll. At least, I am; Viv lies facing me, arms wrapped around my chest and eyes closed, breathing deep against me. I think about making a joke of her needing to watch, but I hold my tongue -- she's been through a lot.
When the timer for the microwave goes off I start to get up but she shakes her head, pushing against me. "Mm-mm. Don't go. Just stay."
I smile fondly, rubbing her shoulders. "Alright," I murmur, pulling her closer, wrapping both arms around her. It feels good, laying with her.
The movie starts and it's just as bad as I remembered; somehow, I don't mind. Just having her with me like this has me at peace, and it's with a rueful grin that I watch, unbothered by the cheesy dialogue, the cliched plot and awful acting.
"Dad...I'm glad you're here. I'm glad to be here," she murmurs against me, at length. "Thank you."
"Mmm. I'm glad you're here too."
She snuggles closer, her face against my neck, her breath warm on my skin. I can feel tears start to fall again, soft and slow; I rub her back through the blanket, comforting her any way I can. Her lips press to me in the ghost of a kiss, and I can't help but grin a little -- she's awfully affectionate tonight. Can I blame her for being emotional, though, after what she's been through?
Not just tonight, but the whole ordeal with her mom. A flash of anger flies through me -- Kim shouldn't have left. I mean seriously, what the fuck? She'd transferred to another office as soon as Vivian started school in the fall, like she couldn't wait to be rid of her. I know it'd already been decided that Viv would move a few towns over to stay with me, so she could be closer to her classes...but still. It felt too much like abandonment to me, and I know Vivian feels it too. It's why she's been so attached since she's been here. She's a sensitive girl, and Kim should know better.
Just one more thing to be pissed with my ex about, I guess.
My thoughts are interrupted as Vivian shifts against me, getting more comfortable. All of a sudden something feels...off. It was just a slight movement, but now her hips rest right up against mine, subtly locking into place. I'm suddenly aware of things I hadn't been just moments before: the sweet scent of her skin, the warmth of her body against mine. An unwelcome tingle runs through me as she again puts her lips to my neck, and in the span of a second I start to understand how much my Viv has grown.
