How it Began
I woke up with the sense that something had changed in the night. Like a seed that had been planted and was now in motion. The thoughts I fell asleep to had stayed with me, appearing in fragmented dreams, and when I woke, those vivid emotions still seemed real, as if I was half dreaming. I turned my head on my pillow and noticed that my door was wide open, which was strange. Then I saw her stride past my door. She had a youthfulness that was so vibrant. At 18, she had blossomed into the perfect image of beauty.
Her chestnut brown hair, highlighted and curled, bounced around her shoulders when she walked. Her eyes were hazel eyes sparkled and were even more radiant when touched by the light. Her skin was a perfect tan, smooth, soft, and new, like a doll just brought to life. At 5'4", she had a feminine smallness but was athletic, toned, and soft at the same time. She had a little button nose and a sharp jawline that accented her adorable heart-shaped face. Today, she wore her little white jean shorts that contrasted so well with the light pink color of her toes, and her loose-fitting top swayed to reveal glimpses of her chest, full and soft.
I thought about how wrong it was for me to have these thoughts about my little sister. I tried to put the idea out of my mind several times, but then I would see her walking around the house barefoot in a summer skirt or leaving for cheerleading on Sundays in her cute little outfit, snow-white sneakers, and hair done up with a bow, and I would feel helpless again. Gradually, I started to give in, to indulge more in these fantasies of her. I couldn't help it, it was so overpowering, so I started to let go. I embraced the idea that my little sister was the sexiest girl I had ever seen and that the blood we shared between us only made it better, deeper, more intimate. I remembered the first time I touched myself and came to the thought of her. And how deeply the warmth penetrated me when I did. It was the best feeling I ever had, and I knew it was because of her. It just made me want her more.
I thought this must be a sort of chemical misfire that couldn't possibly be something she also felt. That it must be too rare, and if it occurred at all, the chances of two siblings feeling the same way had to be something only written about in obscure fiction. I wasn't much older, only by two years, in college and living at home. I was confident in my sexual presence. I still played sports in college and took an interest in my body, lifting weights and running. The attention I got from girls was flattering, and sometimes, I thought her friends had a crush on me, but to imagine that she would ever be attracted to me felt too unreal. Although deep down, I was wishful. The kind of carnal desire felt strange against the kind, brotherly love I had for her. I wasn't sure if these feelings belonged together. I still wanted to be kind, supportive, and helpful. I didn't want my desire for her to ruin our bond.
These thoughts ran through my mind when I was awake in my bed at night, looking at the soft yellow light coming from under her door; the dream just behind it was so close and so far. I imagined what she might be doing: undressing, reading in bed, dreaming about boys, touching herself. Surely she must have; surely she was fully sexual by now, curious, excited by masculinity, aware of herself as a beautiful young woman and how boys (and men) would look at her. I wondered how sexual she was and how experienced she may have been. I met her two past boyfriends and was pretty sure she had had sex before. She seemed more and more aware of herself in this way as the years came on, and I thought to myself if it was just me that felt this intense sexual energy that seemed to gravitate around her. I wanted to be kind, but I also wanted to take a chance to make her aware of my own sexual presence. So I would drop the smallest hints, maybe just thoughts I would have while next to her, hoping that I could ignite the spark in her too, like little whispers between siblings, secret messages only we could decode, and that eventually she would know, and by some miracle feel the same unstoppable desire for her me.
The hints I dropped were subtle sometimes, and other times, not so much. I would occasionally stay to watch TV with her when she was in her shorts or barefoot in her pajamas, even when she had her shows on, which she knew I didn't like. I commented once after she came home with freshly painted white toes and said I thought they looked pretty. She responded with a genuine "thank you!" but cut herself off after she was going to follow it up. Maybe she was starting to wonder why her older brother was noticing how pretty she looked, how pretty his little sister's toes were. Sharing a car between us, we would sometimes have to rely on each other for rides on errands and to meet friends.
Once, I picked her up from the mall and noticed she had gotten her hair done and that she was wearing new shoes, little snow-white sneakers that matched perfectly with her tan skin, revealed the pretty curves of her ankles, and kept hidden what was so precious underneath. On the ride home, I told her she looked really pretty, and I thought her new sneakers looked cute. She said thanks and, with her legs crossed next to me in the passenger's seat, lifted up one foot to show them off and then went on about the details of her afternoon. Soon, I was spending more time with her watching TV in the living room, especially if we were alone or our parents were upstairs for the night. She didn't comment on my staying to watch these shows I was never interested in before.