~SCREWING WITH HISTORY~
It all began with a photograph. A photograph of me I never remember being taken. It was a much younger me, back in college. Someone had snapped it while I smiled innocently towards the camera, totally unaware, and I had simply forgotten. And today, years later, it turned up on facebook, posted anonymously on some nostalgic college alumni page. And it would change my life forever.
I did a double take when the image first popped up on my screen. There he was -- this incredibly attractive, blue eyed boy. Definitely my type. Slender, supple. He was wearing this tight dark blue T-shirt, showing off his tanned, well defined arms. His smooth skin, his mysterious gaze, and his full lips revealed a me, a Jack, who had yet to be touched by a woman. His expression was one of melancholy, but also held tones of mischief, and beneath that, untapped curiosity and hunger. It was as if he were looking right back at me across all these years. And I dare say, as I looked back into his inviting eyes, I felt a twinge of arousal.
The days went by. I kept my schedule busy... teaching twelve yoga classes a week. But when I got home, I would open that file, and just look at him. It was weird. It was taboo. I was falling for him. I was falling for me. This beautiful but impossibly distant creature.
I saw him for who he was: a lovely, innocent confused sophomore. His desires tamped down. His sexuality almost invisible to the rest of the student body. Even to himself. A virgin. I wanted to go back to then, and meet him. And teach him what he had been missing all along.
Today I know myself. It has been a long journey to this place. Plenty of wrong turns and mistakes. There had been several relationships with women, all of them ended badly. After a struggle and some deep self examination, I finally accept who I am. I've only dated a coupe of boys, but it feels right. I'm just a late bloomer. Still, it's thrilling and liberating. Looking at my reflection in the mirror throughout the years, I always fancied what a great boyfriend I'd make. Amazing body. Arresting gaze. Very disciplined. Well grounded. I wondered what kind of kisser I was like.
One night, after coming home from a party, I was charged with sexual energy. No one had tickled my fancy at the event. I'd had a few drinks, and kept noticing my reflection through the crowd in the big mirror at the house. I was rather tipsy, and caught a taxi home. My skin felt electric beneath my tight jeans. My fingers kept traveling up and down my arms. I wanted to get home, and be with me. I hastily locked my front door behind me, ready to undress and romance my reflection, when I stopped. What was that glow? My computer was on. I was sure I had left it off. It was set to my facebook page, and that picture of my younger self was on screen, gazing wistfully back at me.
My heart skipped a beat. No one else could have pleased me more at that moment. Younger Jack looked equally pleased in some strange way. But it was the same photo... a male Mona Lisa -- open to infinite interpretation. Or had it changed? I sat down and brought my face right up to the screen, right up to his face. I knew every pixel of the image now, having taken a swim in it every night now for several weeks. He looked the same. Or did he? The smile was slightly more pronounced. His skin was slightly more flushed. His gaze had just a hint more intensity. I felt my mouth go dry, at the same time, I felt my armpits go damp. What was happening to me? Was I experiencing some narcissistic psychotic breakdown?
I didn't care. I started to touch myself. Slowly and tenderly as I looked into his (my) eyes. The arousal built quickly, in that pitched way that no one else could conjure. I had started doing this a few weeks back... No way in hell would I tell anybody, it was the height of taboo. I would climax while crying out my own name, groaning in ecstasy while trying in vain to lure him out of the screen. I would collapse, my smooth, toned, sweat drenched body gasping for air as the afterglow settled in. Unrequited love.
I stepped out of the shower, all cleaned up, ready for bed. I opened the bathroom door, but I stepped into a different room entirely. Big paisley tapestries adorned the wall. Snow and frost framed the window. A small empty bed in the corner... all too familiar. The muffled throb of a Pearl Jam tune came through the wall. I froze in place, taking in the impossible: I was standing in my room at college, twenty years ago. I took a deep breath. It even smelled like the past. The old floorboards, the slightly musty walls. But except for me, the room was empty. Its inhabitant, a far younger me, had already left for the day.
I figured it was just some alcohol induced dream. So what? There I was. My adult self, transported back to sophomore year. And not far off, was my 19 year old self. All I had was a towel. I couldn't be found like this in my room, so I rifled through his (my) bureau) and got dressed -- in clothes I hadn't seen since the Clinton administration. They fit perfectly... All these years of yoga had paid off. I quickly made an exit into the hall and out into the snowy field of North Campus. There they were, all my classmates, as they were back then. I pulled my knit cap over my head, and drew the scarf around my throat. It was intensely cold. Up ahead, Amanda was chatting with Elizabeth. And over there was Bill and Ashton. I hadn't seen them in ages! Then Melanie passed me on the path and waved right at me, smiling. I waved abruptly and trudged on through the snow. I hoped she wouldn't notice anything different -- in my gait or my posture. No one noticed anything. I was passing for the younger Jack (at least in heavy winter clothing!)
Then I heard a cry. "Jack!"
I froze. Tania, was running up to meet me. Her long blue scarf flowed behind her. What was I to do? I couldn't run. She stopped right in front of me on the path, a big smile on her face, her breath steaming in the cold air. She looked right into my eyes. I was busted. I kept my scarf around my mouth.
"Fucking freezing out!" she said.
"Yeah!", I replied, nodding sheepishly.
"Hey did you bring your book for Skiff's class today? I left mine back at the room, and I'm never going to make it if I go all the way back."
I looked down at my empty hands. "No. I forgot everything. Totally spaced! I'm skipping class today."
Tania laughed. "You're as bad as me Jack!" She giggled. Tania lived in the room adjacent to me. If anyone was going to notice, it would be Tania. I shuffled my chilly feet, looking for some sort of reply. The she furrowed her brow. "That is so strange."
"What?"
She looked back over her shoulder. "I could have sworn I saw you down at main campus a few minutes ago."
A shudder passed through me.
"How could that be?" was all I could come up with.
