05.31.18
Last weekend I finally broke things off with Zach. After my 18th birthday, graduation and college decisions, everything that didn't work about us seemed to crystallize. The fact we were heading our separate ways became this looming thing neither of us could see past. As a consolation I sucked him off on our last awkward date together which he seemed to appreciate in a sad, resigned sort of way. What was surprising was how little it hurt in the moment, and how much it hurts now that it's really actually over.
Mom was at a conference in Atlanta and Melody was at a friends so my only options for commiseration were Hunter or Dad. Hunter was a dick about it but Dad was his eternally sweet self, giving me a big hug and staying up all night to talk to me about that and so much more. We ended up taking all night even though he had an early morning. He really knows how to cheer me up and make me feel like things are gonna be ok. I'm really going to miss him.
Maybe it's how hurt I was, or how horny that last BJ with Zach left me or both at once, but the temptation to kiss Dad, or even tell him how I feel was so powerful. I don't know anyone who can make me feel so safe and loved and worked up all at once. Nothing happened, but I wanted it to. I'm afraid if I tell him how I feel he'll get scared and push me away.
Sometimes I wish I was less of a goody two shoes, a well mannered nerd, "a little Daddy's girl" according to Gemma. I wish I was more of a trouble maker like Melody, or as shameless with my desire as Hunter can be sometimes.
Felicity gave me some good advice to start a journal, write my feelings and thoughts down and into existence. So here I am. If you've found this, please don't read any further. THAT GOES DOUBLY FOR YOU MELODY, HUNTER.
6.07.18
I had a busy week of grad parties and errand running that took up a lot of my time and attention. Hunter must have received a talking to because the next time I saw him he was very contrite and supportive. Nice even! I was still feeling pretty down all things considered but his rare moment of non-dickishness really cheered me up. He's a good kid and he's grown up quite a lot since the dark days of his early teens when he never stopped teasing me for my boobs.
My mood was definitely helped by the amount of guys who obviously heard about my breakup and came asking for a date or a chance to hang out. I genuinely had a queue of boys waiting to chat me up at Felicity's grad party. One of the guys is going to the same college as me, and we've been texting allot ever since.
His name is Danny and he's really tall and pretty striking. He was really funny and confident when he asked me out which definitely made him stand out compared to the others. Gemma made it super awkward by saying he looked like my Dad. She can be such an ass sometimes but she's not wrong. He's more cute where Dad is class. I guess I should be more careful with who I tell about my kinks.
Mom commented that I must have been over my break up because I was back to wearing dresses and bright clothing, I had been dressing like a slob, a sweat pant monster. I'll admit that I really feel happy and beautiful again lately. Part of it is how often Dad has been complimenting me. He's silly and embarrassing most of the time, but my stomach flutters and my muscles tighten whenever he calls me beautiful or appreciates the outfits I wear for him. I love catching his eyes, noticing them when they wander.
Another part of the reason why was that I had a long chat with Sydney, and as it turns out she got into the same college as I did after all! For the first time since elementary school we are going to be in the same classes! She lives in the area so she won't be doing the dorm life but it'll be awesome to have her around to introduce me to the area.
She was being weird about some big secret she wanted to tell me about but we had to break off the conversation before she could tell me. From what it sounded like she's finally made a move. I'm happy for her, she hasn't sounded so happy for a while.
I'm going sailing with Daddy tomorrow! It'll be just us for the morning until the rest of the family shows up for the afternoon.
6.11.18
I finally got the chance to talk to Sydney and her secret is genuinely mind blowing. We chatted about the latest episode of Game of Thrones before she cut me off asking about some game we used to play as kids. We got up to a lot of mischief and played tons of games but something in my gut told me I knew the exact one she was talking about. I asked her which one and she reminded me of the time we had told everyone in earshot that we would marry our daddies. We played this game often for a whole summer, playing with Melody as well, all of us pretending we were married to our fathers. Sydney was dead serious about her intention though. She's been telling me about how hard it was to take care of her Dad for the past few years without letting herself get carried away. But it finally happened! Syd is... with her Dad, and things are getting emotionally intense for them in the best possible sense. I'm the only other person who knows about their affair.
I asked how it had happened and she told me all about it, The accident definitely was a big deal for both of them and it brought them much closer together. She's talked to me about her feelings before and the two of us commiserated about our fantasies, but now Syd had confessed her feelings to her Father and made her fantasy a reality. It hadn't been a walk in the park from what she told me, convincing themselves that sex between relatives was not an issue when both partners were consenting adults was something that took several intense and stressful conversations. It took a few days of really talking it over and taking it seriously, but her conviction and passion seemed to convince her Dad, although Sydney is sex personified and looks like her mom to boot so I don't blame him for succumbing. I'm not sure where my blonde hair comes from, everyone in the family is brunette or brown haired, but I hope Daddy likes it. I like to workout and stay fit, and he seems to like my body in skimpy outfits but I'm totally in the dark when it comes to having any idea what he actually thinks of me other than his eldest daughter.
Sydney knows I want the same and she told me to go for it, but to be careful and consider my families feelings, and his feelings most of all. To be honest I don't really care what Mom would think, I honestly don't think she'd ever find out. I'm pretty convinced she's got something happening on the side herself anyway. I'm simultaneously aroused, overjoyed, jealous flustered and nervous all at once and it's a mark of our friendship that I told Syd and she completely understood. I've got a lot to process but Sydney sent me some helpful links to message boards with sound advice, and writing it all down helps me sort out my feelings. I want this. I'm just so scared of messing it up. Sydney says it's been the best thing she's ever done. Sydney's Dad is close friends with mine through their service so I wonder if he knows about the Tracers. I doubt it, but you never know guys tell each other the weirdest craziest shit, especially former soldiers.
I almost forgot, but the lake was so nice! I got such a nice tan and was the only one who didn't burn. The first part of the day was perfect. I wore my black mini bikini and sunbathed while Dad fished. At one point I could definitely tell there was a bulge in his pants and our conversation got really flirty before Mom and the twins showed up breaking the tension and ruining the moment. Classic. But things picked back up on the drive home, things got right back to being tense and flirty as soon as Mom and the twins packed up and left. Even a year ago, him telling me my bikini was distracting would have left me embarrassed, red faced and speechless. Instead I accepted the compliment with coy, flirty talk back that came from I can't tell you where. I asked him if he often found himself getting distracted by my outfits and he straight up said yes.
The tension at that point was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. I could tell he wanted to fuck me badly, and knowing I was so close to the tightness of his crotch, knowing that he wanted me made me so wet I had to quickly slip below deck to rub myself into bliss. It took so little time to make myself cum I'm pretty sure Dad didn't even notice what I had done. So... yeah it's been good!
6.13.18
I got home from hanging with Danny last night in tears. We had been fooling around in the back of his dad's stupid sports car when he started roughing me up too hard. I told him to stop, and that my titties were sensitive but he kept doing it. I quickly reached the limit of my patience and put them away which upset him. We argued until he drove me home. Fucking whatever. Definitely a personal record for quickest breakup. Earlier in the day I got along with his friend Ethan better anyway and he's going to our college too. Boys are the worst.
Dad was in the kitchen when I got home, sniffling make up running down my face, sad and pathetic. I must have looked like an absolute mess. Thankfully Hunter and Melody were in their rooms at the time or they might have teased me for being dramatic. Mom had gone to bed so I got Dad all to myself for what must have been hours. We talked about Zach, and Danny, and boys in general and what it was like to be me. What it was like to be "a strikingly gorgeous woman in a shitty fucked up world." God he can be corny sometimes, and he will always be a Dad. His sweet words made my eyes roll but also made me feel safe and happy and loved.
He said some very wonderful things about me that made me feel warm and awkward and horny all at the same time. It was startling how quickly I forgot about what had happened with Danny, and the conversation quickly moved away from my crap ex boyfriends. It was really sweet and made me feel happy and safe despite the simultaneous inexplicable edge of sexual tension that was so palpable I felt like it could've been cut with a knife. If he was any other guy I'd have jumped his bones then and there. Maybe it's wishful thinking but I get the vibe he feels the same way I do. I can see it in his face when we cuddle. He's curious about my intentions, but afraid of overreaching and hurting me. Horny but reluctant to act on it. His caution is sweet and makes me feel safe. If anything is going to happen it has to be me who starts the ball rolling, I feel that in my bones. My rabbit has been doing some serious overtime recently. I need someone to take care of my needs, and it kills me to have this beautiful man taking care of every single other problem in my life other than that.
