My cheek rested on his warm chest. I placed a kiss where his heart was and felt him gingerly draw me closer in his embrace. I sighed. My heart swelled painfully in my chest.
I recalled the day, the agony on his face, the way he had screamed my name when he thought I was dying. I shuddered.
"You okay baby?" he asked with concern.
I nodded against his chest, too scared to use my voice.
What had I thought? That he didn't love me? I felt stupid now. There was no one in this world who'd ever love me like him, and there never would ever be. My eyes welled.
I'd broken the peace and shattered the delicate balance that ran through our dynamics. Now everything was in shambles. I couldn't even look him in the eye, I felt so guilty. Rudra and ma did not even glance at each other in my presence. Trying to side step the elephant in the room, all of us treaded on eggshells.
What I had done, made my heart sink, specially what I had done to ma. I had forced him into her life only to abruptly take him back again for myself. I felt ashamed. I couldn't talk about it to either of them. I missed my babies. I couldn't ask Rudra to take me home to them. I knew why he had decided to keep me at the suite. It wasn't just because the hospital was closer, the guilt made the reason even more difficult to bear. I hadn't seen ma. I knew she was taking care of the babies and she was busy. The little one, Joel, was probably keeping her on her toes. Born premature he had barely made it. I had almost lost him. If they hadn't taken him out of me on time, I closed my eyes shaking the image out of my head.
Dr. Sid had been kind enough to send a nurse to help ma take care of the children during the day. But I knew the task of breast feeding them fell entirely to her. I felt guilty. She was doing this for me, for a daughter who had given her nothing but misery.
I needed to fix this, no matter how. It had been three months since the incident. I missed our life, before I had stupidly destroyed it. I would give anything to have us all live under the same roof again. My chin trembled.
"Rudra," I started slowly. "I'm missing the babies. Can I... see them?" I stuttered.
He cleared his throat and gently squeezed me in his embrace. "When you've recovered thoroughly."
I'd woken him from his sleep so I decided to pursue it in the morning instead.
I dreamt horrible dreams all night. No matter how much I tried, ma would not forgive me. What the doctors had told us at the hospital kept repeating over and over in my head. "You cannot have any more children. Your heart will not bear another pregnancy." I felt grateful that I had been able to have Joel but felt sad that Rudra and I would never make another baby again. I knew how much we both would miss that.
The thought occurred unbidden. Ma could still conceive, but I'd ruined that last chance too. Every morning I heard him jack himself off in the shower. I knew he was having a difficult time. To think he had another wife back home and it was because of me that he wasn't going to her made me feel terrible.
"Let me?" I offered one morning when I heard him in bed. If nothing else I could at least give him this much respite.
"Did I wake you?" He stuttered apologetically and scrambled out of bed in embarrassment. He didn't even meet my gaze.
Why was he punishing himself for what I had done? Why had he stopped being with ma? The thought shattered the little peace I had left remaining. I had never wanted this. I had only wanted his love but not at the cost of his misery or ma's misery. I cried my sorrow into the pillow.
"Riya, are you all right?" He strode to my side and kneeled beside the bed. He looked into my face. "Riya?" I heard fear in his voice, and I began to cry again.
"Riya," he made a dash for his phone then sat next to me again. "What's wrong? Please." He was in agony.
"I want to see the babies." I cried. I couldn't say what I had wanted to. It just felt too shameful to say that I wanted things to go back to the way they were before I had mucked up everything for all three of us.
"Riya," He exasperated pressing his head into the pillow next to me. "I told you baby, I'll take you home, as soon as you've recovered completely."
"But I have recovered. I want to see the babies. I miss them."
I wanted him to be home. I knew he only needed to be in close proximity to ma, then nature would take its course and everything would go back to normal again.
"I'll take you when the doctors say so. You know how far it is. We barely made it...," his voice trailed off. "I can't risk it again." He shook his head hiding his tears from me.
Then a brainwave hit me. "You're going home and installing all the cameras in the house so I can at least see them when I want to. Tell me that you will?"
"I will. Calm down now."
The next morning when we woke he had a massive erection. I pretended to be asleep while he grunted under his breath to his own ministrations. An hour later he was jacking himself off again under the shower. I decided I would just have to do something drastic to get him back together with ma.
Over the weekend, he got ready to drive home with a guy to install the cameras so I could watch and talk to the babies whenever I wanted to.
"Will you be all right Riya? I'll be back as soon as I can."
"Don't worry about me," I tried to assure him.
"Just take care of yourself while I'm gone. I'll be back home before dark. I've asked Sid to send a nurse to look after you while I'm away." He placed a kiss on my forehead.
"Go now," I murmured. "I'm all right." I placed a kiss on his cheek. "Go. I want to see the babies."
He nodded then and tore himself away from me.
It was almost afternoon by the time he asked me to remotely access the camera and I was able to see our babies for the first time in three months. My throat felt choked from trying hard not to sob out loud. Rivulets of tears flowed freely down my cheeks. Then ma got baby Joel in her arms, and a long howl issued from my lungs. I couldn't bear to be away from him anymore. A thunder storm had broken outside quite similar to the one inside me. Rudra tried as hard as he could to console me.
"I'm sorry baby, I should've done this sooner." He choked on tears too. "Please forgive me."
That made me cry even more. I was the one in need of forgiveness. I had done this to all of us.
"Don't cry baby, please. You're breaking my heart, Riya. I'm coming back. We'll both watch them together."
"No, it's raining so hard. You're going to stay there until it subsides," I ordered wiping my tears at once. "Stay there."
"Don't worry about..." he began but I cut him short.
"It's a thunderstorm and you're not coming home Rudra. Do you hear me?" I snapped at him in disbelief. This was all I needed now, him risking his life for me.
I talked to ma, both of us awkward around each other. She had lost a lot of weight, and my heart sank even more. Taking care of the babies was telling on her. But she did look younger. The weight loss had taken years off of her age. I could make out the slight outline of the nipple rings that Rudra had gifted to her on their wedding night. My heart contracted painfully in my chest. She still wore them.
From the corner of my eye I could see Rudra pace the floor restlessly. He'd need a bit more persuading to spend the night, I thought. Once we were done I thought it better to give both him and ma some time alone. My presence was probably putting an additional strain on them. Before turning the screen off at my end, I spoke to Rudra again.
"Please don't upset me more by trying to return in this weather. Do you hear me?"
"Yes," he answered reluctantly looking away.
I shut the screen at my end, but I could still hear everything.
I heard the babies cooing and the toddlers playing, with a smile on my lips. They had become a real handful and I admired how ma at her age was able to take care of all of them. I eagerly waited for the evening that I might hear something welcoming. The silence of the adults was only broken by the appearance of Dr Sid, who'd come down to check on baby Joel. Only a handful of words were exchanged formally when mother asked Rudra whether he would sleep in his room or take ma's room for the night. I could hear an underlying tension in their voice and I prayed that they would soon get past it.
Dr Sid probably left soon after. I felt so grateful, that he had decided to pay the baby a visit even in this terrible weather.
Rudra called before turning in for the night. He had asked the nurse to stay on until the day after.
I assured him the hundredth time that I was all right. Then reluctantly he called off.
All night I kept awake but heard nothing. My heart felt heavy.
I was awake before ma, to the cries of the babies. A few seconds later I heard ma stumble from Rudra's room into the nursery, while she crooned lovingly to start the tedious task of breastfeeding the little ones.
Morning came and the skies cleared and Rudra wasted no time driving back home. It was like he was running away from some demons before they caught up with him.
"How are you doing?" He searched my face.
"I'm fine," I said happy to see him in spite of the guilt I felt of having separated ma and him.
His features relaxed. I wondered whether he was worried I'd worked myself into a tizzy over his spending the night alone with ma.
I extended my arms and he walked into my hug. I trussed myself up against the pillows on the dewan by the window. He kicked his shoes off and climbed into my embrace, lying between my legs so his face nuzzled against my breasts. He took a long breath.
"I like the smell of you."
"Hmm more like my breasts," I whispered drawing him closer.
For a moment he looked up and I placed a warm kiss on his forehead. The love I felt for him tickled my insides until I turned to jello.
In return he parted my blouse until my breasts were bare. Every time his fingers brushed against my skin, I felt fireworks and I knew from his tiny reactions that it got him worked up too. I was in no condition to have sex though. The other day when he had pulled me into his arms for a kiss, feeling his arousal, my heart had begun to painfully drum in my chest. I had started to wheeze and then hyperventilate to his horror. He had pulled me into his arms and gently rocked me until I could breathe easily again.
Tentatively he pecked one breast keeping his eyes on me, when he was sure I was okay he ravenously took a nipple into his mouth.
Involuntarily he closed his eyes, the way I loved so much.
He was my baby. I drew him more against my breast and began to kiss his head. His hair was soft and silky and fresh from a shower. Here and there it had begun to turn grey. I wondered what he would look like when he grew old, but one thing I was sure of I would love him just as much as I did now, if not more.
I placed a wet trembling kiss on his forehead. He was bunting like a fawn.
"I love you, you know that don't you?" I whispered into his ear sucking on his earlobe.
"Riya, don't baby," he lifted his head briefly, his breath came in a gasp against my nipple. "I'm already going crazy for you."
"Hmm," I brushed his lips with a kiss, lifted my breast then placing my other hand behind his head, gently guiding him back to my nipple. I held him there while he suckled hungrily at my tit, biting and gnawing and sucking.
