Spring Brea

So, Dylan and his three sisters (older siblings Jan and Lucy, younger sibling Lindsay) have all been fooling around in some form or another since the summer. But things got out of control during the holidays and now it seems like it's all coming to an end. So, prepare yourself for a few pages of sensible, sexless, sibling relationships where everyone decides to make smart, rational decisions about their lives.

Or not.

All participants are over the age of 18

"

Dylan, come here," Lucy called me from her bedroom.

It was early March, and the family house was finally feeling warm. I remembered back to an earlier time when my sister had called me to her bedroom. The first time we'd

press

ed together. It'd been sweaty hot, and I'd mourned the new house's lack of air conditioning like a body that'd lost half its limbs.

Now, after a winter of snow and icy cold, all I could hope for was heat. It had been a long, dreary season; the snow still piled high. And yeah, apparently the house was terrible at staying warm, as well. It was the gift that kept on sucking.

"We should talk," Lucy said. She was sitting at her desk, her head buried in a book. It was the tail end of her senior year at college, she was already interviewing for jobs, and grades could have been safely ignored. But that didn't stop her.

I had to admit, my curvy, blonde sister looked extra sexy studying. Long blonde hair tied back in a ponytail. Bright blue eyes focused on the pages. Full mouth quirked up as she perused each point. Also, no matter what she did, Lucy still had huge breasts and a great butt. So, there's that.

"What's up?" I asked, stepping into her room. I knew better than to get my hopes up.

A few months of cold had been bad enough. But it was the freeze-out from my siblings that truly had me shivering. It had all started so well that summer, with Lucy and I exploring pillow humping together. Eventually, it escalated (I know, shocker) and we had sex.

We had a pregnancy scare that seemed sure to stop us. But by November we were not only back to it, we'd managed to involve my younger sister, Lindsay, and Lucy's best friend Kara in our debauchery. Once again, we'd seemed unstoppable.

And sure, my oldest sister, Jan, had caught us in the act. But, like a bad porn story on the Internet, she'd actually insisted on joining in! Everything was going gangbusters into Christmas. Lindsay wanted intercourse, Lucy wanted a long-term relationship, and Jan was more than happy to talk dirty while she stroked me off. Sister harem, ftw!

But Santa rewarded our incestuous involvement with something far worse than coal. First, my father had a huge freakout on Christmas Eve. It seemed like it was over nothing, and in truth it wasn't about anything, so much as it was about everything. The fact that he'd lost his job, that the whole family had had to cut back (even on important things like birth control), that we were stuck in this awful, dusty house. Dad lost it on us and things had been tense ever since.

We might have survived that -- after all, we'd started our mutual masturbation matinees as a way to distract ourselves from all the family drama -- but then Lindsay and Lucy caught me doing dirty stuff with Jan.

You see, I'd sort of forgotten to mention that whole setup to my other sisters. And they were both, understandably upset. Lucy and Lindsay weren't mad that I was fooling around with my oldest sister, no, don't be silly. They were perfectly happy to have me do whatever with Jan. They just felt like they deserved to know about it (and they were right).

Still, it seemed like things might be reparable when we got an invitation to a Christmas party at Kara's house. After we caught Kara having a full-on, mfm fuckfest with her two brothers, that's when it really hit home for us.

It wasn't a turn on, as I might have hoped. It didn't make us feel better about what we were doing, as you might have anticipated. Instead, it was a bucket of ice water to the face -- a freezing cold reminder of what we, ourselves, had been doing for all those months.

So, with all those problems piling up, we finally, fully ended things. Lucy and I stopped carpooling to school. Lindsay went back to her friends and finishing high school. Jan's workaholica reinstated itself. My parents, well, they basically kept doing whatever it was they'd been doing. Snarling at us from a distance, mostly.

I'd been certain that things were over before. The pregnancy scare, getting caught by Jan, getting caught

with

Jan. But this time,

this time

, I was sure -- we were finished. It was time to move on.

But that didn't stop me from hoping against hope when Lucy called me to her door that early March morning. And it didn't prevent my heart from sinking when my sister told me,

"Some of my friends are going to Florida for Spring Break and I'm going to join them."

"Oh, OK," I said, doing my best to not sound disappointed. "I assume you're doing Daytona?"

"No, Disney, actually."

"Wait, really?" I asked.

"You'd be surprised at how much dirty stuff goes down at the Magic Kingdom," Lucy said with surprising confidence, "Trust me, I've heard some wild stories."

"Well, anyway," I said, not at all convinced, "I hope you have fun."

"Thanks!" Lucy said, "I just thought I should let you know. You know. What about you? Do you have any plans?"

"Nah," I said, "I'm looking forward to the chance to relax."

"I hear that," Lucy said, "Well, I'll talk to you later."

I was halfway through my sister's doorway when I stopped myself.

"Lucy," I said, "I've been meaning to say this for a while. What happened with Jan, I'm sorry."

"I don't care about Jan," Lucy said. I raised my eyebrow in a way my oldest sister would have been proud of. "I truly don't."

"Well, I still should have told you about it," I said, "You deserved at least that much."

"Look, Dylan, these past few months have been a lot. Dad's blow up. Catching Kara with her brothers. And yeah, at the time, I was hurt that you kept all that stuff with Jan a secret."

"She caught us -- you, me, and Lindsay -- doing stuff together," I said, "She asked in and I guess I thought... I don't know. I didn't think. That's what it comes down to."

"It's fine, Dylan, truly," my sister said, "Right now, I need to focus on more important stuff. Like graduating college, getting out of this house, getting away from all of this."

"Including me?"

Lucy tried to speak, but it came out as a sob. She shoved my shoulder, pushing me out of her bedroom, and closed the door behind her.

Yes, no doubt. We were really, truly, done this time.

*

The next morning, with only a few days of classes left before break, I woke up early. Finally resigned to my sisterless fate, I showered and got dressed before the sun was fully up. It felt like a new beginning. It wasn't the one I wanted, but it was what I was stuck with. And, in that way, I was ready for it all to get started.

I was awake early enough that when I came downstairs, I found my mother at the kitchen table eating breakfast. Things with both my parents had been tense since Christmas. I'd assumed, like many of my dad's other tantrums, that this one would blow over in time. He'd regret his rage and we'd all apologize and move on. That hadn't happened. And so, I knew better than to poke the bear.

Dad had already left for the day. It was just Mom. And even though she'd taken his side that night two months ago, I guess I felt like she was safer ground. However, as soon as I entered the kitchen, I was greeted with a scowl.

"Rough day already?" I asked, trying to play innocent.

Mom responded with a grunt. She was staring down at her breakfast like it had done her wrong.

I paused on my way to the coffee machine. This was crazy. I had to live with these people for at least another two years if I wanted to graduate college. It was going to be hard enough without the angry elephant in the room.

"Mom, this has been lingering for far too long," I said, sitting down at the table across from her. "You and I both know that Lucy didn't mean what she said. Not in the way Dad took it anyway."

"Do we now?" Mom said, "So that means your father and I don't need an apology?"

Sheesh, my parents could hold a grudge.

"Lucy's done nothing but apologize since," I said, "Lindsay and Jan, too. I wasn't in the room but, heck, I'm sorry as well. I just want us to be a family again."

"We're always a family," Mom said, "That doesn't change no matter what."

"That's not what I mean," I said, "Look, if it's a money thing, you know I'd quit school and go back to work in a second."

Mom gave me an ugly look. "You don't get it."

"Get what?"

"Life isn't... When you're young, you think you can make a dramatic gesture and suddenly the world will change. It won't. You'll get older and you'll see. One day, life decides to beat you down. And there's nothing you can do about it."

"I don't believe that's true," I said, "I get that Dad lost his job and things have been hard. That money is tight, and we've had a lot of bad luck. Hell, ever since we lost Stevie..."

"Don't say that name!" Mom shrieked. Her eyes shot open, and I swear her pupils were practically red.

I took a deep breath. I got that Mom was upset about losing our little brother. I know I still was, deep in the parts of my heart I chose not to explore. But if we weren't going to examine old traumas and at least try to accept them, how could we move forward? How could there be a future if all we could focus on was ignoring the past?

"Sorry," I said, knowing better than to push it. "You get my point. There's a hundred things that could happen. Dad could change careers. Or go back to school, himself, if he wanted. You've got a good job."

Mom snorted.

"Jan's working," I kept plowing on, "Lucy's almost graduated. I'm only a couple years away. We can all help pay for Lindsay. We just have to try."

Mom took a deep breath. The kitchen, the whole house, felt hollow and dull.

"What your sister said that day upset your dad and me," Mom said, "And the fact that none of you came to your father's defense really hurt him. Nothing's changing that. However, too much time has passed, I agree. We need to move on."

I nodded. At least that was a start.

"But no," Mom rested her hand on mine, warmly. Belying the chill of her words. "The world doesn't work like that, sweetie. I'm sorry. Your father tried his hardest for years and they fired him anyway. This is what life is. Some people roll boxcars, but most of us get snake-eyes. And there's nothing you can do to change the dice. You have to learn to live with it."

*

Driving to school in my old, beat-up Toyota, I couldn't get what Mom said out of my head. There was something that felt so wrong about it. But I couldn't figure out where the flaw in her logic was.

As I weighed her words, it occurred to me that not one thing that had happened in my life the last year -- wonderful or terrible -- had been because of me. Lucy had called me into her room to

press

. Lucy had invited Lindsay in, as well. Lindsay was the one who spoke to Kara about joining us. And Jan had found us on her own.

Similarly, I hadn't started the fight with my parents, or even truly participated in it. Yes, I hadn't told my sisters about me and Jan, but that had been a passive choice; not really a decision at all. It was easier to say nothing.

I was still doing that. Letting my sisters take their time to forgive me. Watching Lucy go on Spring Break. All of it.

OK, I'd made one active choice. The one time I'd had actual intercourse with Lucy. And I knew exactly how that'd turned out. But even then, it's not like we had a conversation. Or even dealt with things after. I just sort of went with the flow.

And I realized, that's what my father was doing this whole time. He gave up and let the current carry him out to sea. Maybe it was too late for Dad. Once you get out past the breakers, it's nearly impossible to swim back. Especially if you won't let anyone help.

I wasn't out there, yet. I needed to do something before it was too late. I couldn't save my father from the fate he'd unwillingly chosen.

But I could still rescue myself.

*

Jan sat across from me, looking cross. She had on a dark suit with a light blue blouse --practically a rainbow of chromatic defiance for her. She was wearing dark glasses and her hair was up in its usual tight bun. Jan looked the definition of a successful businesswoman. Or a dominatrix at her day job.

"What are we doing here, Dylan?" Jan asked. Somehow, she managed to keep her lips tight while she talked. It was quite the trick.

I'd called my oldest sister from my car as soon as I'd reached my revelation. This didn't have to be the first step, but it was the best one I could think of. It was a Saturday, but Jan was working anyway because Jan.

We met at an outdoor cafe in the city. A busy place with tiny tables and oversized sandwiches. Bright in the ever-warming sun. We ordered food and talked about nothing while I built up the courage to come out with it.

Midway through the meal, Jan got a work call. She answered it with a practiced ease. She didn't seem harried, but she clearly expressed her frustration at being interrupted. She wasn't rough or rude, but I could tell from my side of the table that my sister was solving the problem with efficiency and grace. It was kind of amazing to watch. I still didn't understand what my oldest sister did for a living, but I could tell she was damn good at it.

I'd always thought of Jan as tough, but I realized that made her capable and skilled, too. I was proud of her.

Finally, though, as our plates were cleared, Jan ran out of patience and asked her question. I'd known what I was going to do when I asked to meet. But I'd forgotten how intimidating Jan could be, just by being herself. When she snapped at me, the sudden pressure squeezed out my words in a way I wasn't expecting.

"Are you happy, Jan?"

My sister eyed me, oddly. Like she was considering how much to say. As if I didn't already know the answer. Finally, my sister made up her mind.

"Not particularly," she said.

"That's what I figured," I said, "I don't think any of us are, really."

"No, I suppose not," Jan said.

"What would make you happy?" I asked.

"I don't know, I haven't thought about it, being honest," Jan said.

I gave my sister an evaluating look. But she just shrugged.

"Maybe family," Jan said, "But maybe not, like, our family. I'm not mad at you, Dylan. Or the Ells. I just mean, not the family thing we have now. Or what it was like before. We always forget that things weren't that great before, either."

"How much money do you make?" I asked.

Jan's eyes widened. She was getting ready to stab me from across the table. The knife was already in her hand. I knew I was going about this the wrong way; but it was the only direction I'd been able to come up with.

"Sorry, that's not how I meant that to come out," I said, "That was rude. But, honestly. Actually. Yes, that's my question. What are you earning these days?"

"That's none of your business, Dylan," Jan said, raising her eyebrow in her signature way. "I make enough."

"What's enough?" I asked, "I don't mean a number. Not exactly. See, the thing is, Lucy's about to graduate. And I've been looking into things. It won't change much if I start going to classes at night. Adds another six months, maybe. But that's not bad at all."

"Are you asking what I think you are?" Jan's face looked surprisingly soft. A bit of a smile started to curl at the corner of her cheeks.

"Yeah," I said, "Yes. I think I am."

*

I met Lindsay at her studio, my duffle bag swung over my shoulder. Even though we'd agreed to meet that afternoon, my youngest sister still looked surprised to see me. She had on her usual yoga pants with a tight, yellow tank top that bared her taut tummy and toned shoulders. Lindsay's epically long, light brown hair was pulled back in a braid that trailed down her spine.

"I can't believe you're here," Lindsay said. She was grinning like crazy.

About twenty other people came in after me. The studio was small, and the floor was lined with mats. The far wall was a full mirror, reflecting my little sister back at the class. The place smelled of whatever incense Lindsay was pumping into the room and the faint odor of sweat. Light guitar music played in the background. I stood in the middle of the group so as not to completely embarrass myself. I figured I'd do OK. After all, we were only stretching. How hard could that be?

Forty minutes later I had my answer. I was ready to die. My sister made it all look so easy. It was more than the fluidity of her body, the lithe confidence of her muscles. Lindsay had a look on her face that spread contented bliss around the room.

She was

good

at this. There were people more than twice her age in that class and I got the sense that if Lindsay announced that our next position was 'jump off the bridge' the whole group would follow her there. She just had 'it,' whatever that was.

I'd always thought of my sister as a bit flighty, but I realized that made her imaginative and empathetic, as well. I was proud of her.

After the class, my body breaking in ways I didn't realize it could, I found my sister casually toweling herself off at the front of the studio. The mirror made it seem like there were multiples of her, all moving in the same way.

"That was. Quite. The workout," I said. Even talking was too much for me.

Lindsay grinned at me, broadly. "I thought you did pretty good for a first timer."

"Uh huh," I said, getting ready to die on the floor. "You do this. Every day?"

"No, I go to high school, remember," Lindsay said, "But this is nice on the weekends. And it's good to get the extra cash."

"Really?" I asked, "How much money do you make, exactly?"

Lindsay quirked her eyebrow at me, in a remarkable imitation of our oldest sister.

*

That night, as soon as I got home, I marched down the hallway and pounded on Lucy's door. Finally, she opened it, looking disheveled. Her blonde hair was loose, running in rivulets over her shoulders. Her bright blue eyes were covered with confusion.

"Don't go," I said. My body was still hurting from Lindsay's workout. Just climbing our steps had almost been the end of me.

"What?" Lucy asked, "Dylan what are you talking about?"

"Disney," I said, "Don't do it. Stay home for Spring Break."

"What? Why?"

"Because I want you to," I said.

Lucy evaluated me in the hallway for a moment. Like I was trying to sell her on Scientology. We'd been through so much together. But that was the key word. Together. I had strong feelings for Jan and Lindsay, sure. They were my sisters and I cared about them more than I could say. But Lucy was different. And in the end, I knew better than to try to trick her. I had to come out and say it. She deserved that much, after all that she'd done.

I'd always thought of my sister as my best friend. It was time that I started treating her that way. Make her proud of me.

"OK," Lucy said, carefully. Like any syllable might trip up a falling spike or a rolling boulder. "I'll call my friends and tell them I'm out."

I thanked Lucy, then went back to my room to die. Man, taking agency in my own life was way more painful than I'd expected.

*

Our first day of Spring Break, the sun shone through my windows like it, too, was celebrating. I had a whole week to make things right. Lucy and Lindsay would both be home, but my parents would not. And there were always evenings with Jan.

I got into sweatpants and a t-shirt, then headed downstairs. I found Lucy and Lindsay both sitting at the table, eating breakfast and staring at their respective screens. Before they could even say hello, I gave them the signature chin jut.