The call from my darling sister came as I would have expected - at an unexpected time. I was busily preparing a breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, tomatoes and hash browns at the time - I've lived in France for years, but like most English I cannot abide their fucking fetish for a stale croissant and a tiny thimbleful of black, brackish coffee. Give me a cooked breakfast any day.
Anyway, Pippa was sitting at the kitchen table wearing only a pair of hot pants, watching me, wearing only an apron, doing the cooking when the call came.
"Get that, darling," I told her, as I moved the eggs round in the pot.
Pippa picked up the mobile and announced herself.
"Oh, hi mummy," she said. "Yes, yes, yes. I'm having a wonderful time, uncle's really looking after me." And with that she shook her lovely large naked breasts at me so they wobbled from side to side.
Then she stood and handed me the phone, whispering "I'll finish this".
I spoke to my dear sister. "Hi, Donna, what's up?"
"My fucking marriage," said my 40-year-old sister, who is two years older than me, with her Roedean accent, which always causes words like "fucking" to sound so alien to her mouth.
"Sorry to hear that," I said, not in the slightest bit sorry. Her lawyer husband was a cunt and she'd married way beneath her - not in social standing, you understand, but in style.
"I'm in Paris and I'm catching the 10 o'clock TGV for Avignon," she announced, in that typical "Do as I say" manner of hers. "Pick me up. And then you can buy me a decent lunch in Avignon, if such a thing exists, you know how much I detest train food."
I didn't, but an excuse to have a meal in Avignon was no problem, I knew dozens of trendy little eateries.
Donna flounced off the train into the baking sun on the platform and marched towards me. She looked stunning, as I knew she would. A large yellow sunhat was perched on her head, covering her long, brunette hair. A little frock did nothing to hide the magnificent proportions of her big breasts (40 inches at the very least and all natural), her lovely strong thighs and her suntanned calves.
Mens' heads turned as she planted a chaste kiss on my cheek, commented "That's a fucking disgusting baseball hat, Jack ", indicating my Cubs cap, and marched out into the car park.
Ever the gentleman, I opened the passenger door of the Maserati and noticed as the frock rode up her tanned thighs that while they were large they were also superbly toned. As she climbed in she displayed a flash of black satin panties at her crotch. Even though I was fucking her daughter like there was no tomorrow, I felt a tremor of lust run through me - if there's one thing I adore on a woman it's black lingerie. Unusual in a man, that, eh?
"Take me to lunch, I could eat a horse," she said, lighting a Gauloise as I wheeled out of the car park. "On second thoughts, don't take me anywhere they serve horse!"
"Well," she said, as I drove to one of the city's better non-horse-selling restaurants on the outskirts of town, "what do you think of my darling daughter?"
I gulped, aware that I was fucking her like crazy, then recovered myself. "She's lovely," I replied, totally honestly. "We're getting on very well." Again I was being totally honest.
"Better looking than some of those whores you photograph for a living, eh Jack?" she said, snidely, referring to my men's magazine job as a photographer of the female form.
"Yes, but she's probably too short to make it in the modelling business," I told Donna.
"Her and me both," she said, inhaling sharply on the pungent little Gauloise.
"Au contraire, my darling sister," I smiled, as I pulled up into the restaurant's car park. "You're about four inches taller than Pippa and, as the French would put it, a woman 'of a certain age'.
"There are some magazines that specialise in women who are 40-plus - and I'm not talking about their bust size. You'd go down a treat in them. Men around the world fantasize about making love to what the porn trade calls MILFs."
Donna arched an eyebrow, as we got out of the Maserati.
"MILFs?" she said.
"Stands for 'Mother I'd Like to Fuck,' and you'd be a quintessential MILF," I told her.
"Tell my fucking husband," she snorted, and we went in for lunch.
Over a typical French provincial lunch, washed down with a perky little Cotes du Rhone, Donna poured her heart out to me.
"That fuckwit of a husband is useless. He's not fucked me in months, he doesn't go down on me. I'm going to fucking leave him," she moaned.
"Thought about playing around?" I asked, sipping on the light red.
"Within my social group I'd be spotted in a nanosecond," she explained. "Not that I've not tried. I was so desperate one week-end when he was away with his boring bloody mates on a golf trip, I employed a male prostitute."
I inclined my head in a question. Donna licked her finger after dipping it in a bowl of bearnaise sauce. "Fucking useless. Wore a fucking condom, which I hate, came too soon - which I also hate - and muff-dived me like a fucking chicken pecking at its corn. Money down the drain."