"Why?"
The question had come out finally. After all the time spent skirting round the issue, with dour looks and averted eyes, the question was finally placed. What was my answer, where was the reason?
To backtrack its worth telling the story of our lives. Raised by loving parents in a loving household, we had everything. We siblings argued and quarrelled but fundamentally we just got by. This I think in the nanosecond after the question was asked, with my brain racing like a motorcar, is why the feelings blossomed. Humans need emotions, we live on it, are fuelled by it, with the knowledge of it separating us from animals.
Our family was a quiet one, and my enforced loneliness, coupled with my beautiful and wonderful sister was a recipe for what? What did I expect? Passion? Love? Rejection?
. In retrospect it's now clear to me that I had harboured these feelings for a long time. It was part of me, a section which must have presented an odd and obscure face to the world. Immaturity was the key which blurred my emotions all these years.
My breath caught.
My sister was in front of me spread on the bed her computer buzzing away merrily. Her face was an enigma, with only the slight widening of her eyes betraying her shock as her brother stuttered out the utterances of his passion, as he tried to explain himself away haltingly, his sentences barely formed.
"All I'm asking is that we can open our hearts to the possibility to getting to know each other better."
There was a pause, no doubt my sister's brain whirling at this new information. Then came the question.
"Why?"
The question caught me off guard. Maybe I had subconsciously been thinking that she was going to run away screaming, or divert me as she hastily tried to change the subject or make light of the matter with a joke. Instead I was answered with another question, delivered in a non partisan manner, betraying neither one emotion nor the other.
My mouth faltered for a second before I spewed out my hastily cobbled answer, scraped together by nature herself.
"Because I love you. Not in the casual manner in which everyone uses the word, but in the true deep sense. I love you with every fibre of my body, each part me of itching for the chance to jump in front of the gun for you. Each particle willing to sacrifice all for love of this God sent Angel."
My eloquence faltered and my mind began reeling of, as if desperate to fill in the silence which had enveloped us both.
"The first time is special; it is something to be remembered forever, not for some man who may disappear at a later stage."
"We are both young, with time to learn before we part ways. We can gain confidence for when we lead our own lives".
"It is the safest way to learn. I certainly will not be saying anything, and I trust you with my life."
"We are both clean; we know we don't carry diseases."
I stopped when I realized that I was starting to sound like a book, and was just being cold and clinical, my emotions being ineffable. My heart was heavy as I turned, filled with shame at having exposed myself so vividly and so poorly... Just as I was turning to leave I felt a small hand on mine. I turned to see perfection smiling. It was like a personal sun had ignited in front of me, and it was with an almost angelic voice that I heard her speak.
"You had me on your first line." She smiled and proceeded to get of the bed and to proceed nervously to me. She clasped her hands round me, and pulled me forward for a hug, made initially awkward by the differences in height. We clasped tightly with emotions rushing through me like a mountain river. Our eyes locked and we came together gently, our lips touching gently. My whole life seemed to freeze, locked up in this precious moment.
The sudden sound of the front door closing announced to use of our siblings as their play proceeded indoors.
We gently disentangled our arms, and with the promise of discussing the matter further that night, I walked......well tottered out of the room.