At her touch I jumped from the bed. "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to sleep with you."
"Are you nuts, what are you talking about?" A light was still on in our motel room so I could see her head poking from under the covers.
There was anger in her eyes and in her voice, too, which was really unusual because Peach is the most happiest person I know, "I'm going to sleep with you."
I quickly climbed into the other bed and turned away from her, hugging my pillow and I tried to sort out if she was moving or not but I didn't think she was so I relaxed a little and tried to figure out why she did what she did. But I couldn't.
When she finally spoke she still sounded kind of annoyed, "That's not fair, Freddie, I want to sleep with you and you know it."
No, I didn't know that, why would she want to sleep with me? She had her own bed and besides, we're cousins. I pushed my hard-on into the pillow, wishing it would go away.
"So, you won't let me?" She sounded kind of whiney now but I still didn't know what to say so I just kept hugging my pillow. "Fine," then I heard her fling her covers back. I thought she was going to get up and come into my bed again so I curled myself around the pillow even tighter and I tried to think about what I was going to do. But that's not what she had in mind.
"I've never been as horny as I am right now, Freddie, I'm dripping just thinking about finally being with you." She said this real slow like she was dreaming or something. "I masturbate all the time, Freddie and you're always with me. We're in the car and your hand is under my shirt and you're feeling my breasts — I didn't put your hand there, Freddie, you put it there, I didn't make you do it, you wanted to do it. Sometimes we're in a park and I'm on a swing and you tell me to lift up my skirt because you want to see me and when I do I'm never wearing panties because I want you to see me. And sometimes we're in your family room and we're watching television and you sit back while I take your pants off and you rub my back and neck while I suck on you. And sometimes we're in a fast food place and we're sitting together and you put your hand on my thigh and you feel me while we eat and we say how much we love each other. But most of the time we're in my bedroom and you're kissing me and I bring your hand to my breast; I love your hands on my breasts, Freddie, I love to feel you pinching my nipples, and then you kiss and suck all over my body, every little bit of it; I'm always moaning, Freddie, I'm always encouraging you, I want your lips everywhere on me and, after a while you put your penis in me and when you do I bring my legs around you, squeezing you into me, deep and we just slowly fuck, Freddie, really close and I always whisper in your ear that I love you fucking me, I love your arms around me, I love your breath on me, I love your smell, I love your spit in my mouth — I love you fucking me, Freddie, we do it all the time, every day, sometimes twice a day, three times, once we did it five times in a day, we just fucked and fucked all day and it never takes very long for either of us to cum because we love each other so much." And then her little moans took over and my penis shot a lot of stuff into the pillow.
When I got into the car the next morning I had made up my mind to make it to San Francisco non-stop but as I turned the key I knew I'd be lucky to make it to Ohio: it's hard to drive when you haven't had any sleep. It wasn't that she wanted to have sex with me that kept me awake all night, although that would have done it, and it wasn't listening to her masturbate that did it, although that had me wide awake, too with my penis stretched so long it hurt; it was after that, when she said, even before her breathing had returned to normal, "I love you Freddie, I'm just so in love with you and you have to know that." That was something she had never said to me before and something I don't think she should have said. Sure, we've been best friends for as long as I can remember and cousins, like, forever. But love? I didn't know what she meant by that. Cousins can't love each other for pity sake, at least, not in the way she seemed to be meaning it. I think it's against the law, or something.
We had driven about half an hour when she said, "So, you're not going to talk to me?" No, I wasn't, I still didn't know what to say to her. "Was it that I masturbated or was it that I told you how much I love you?"
"Both." I tried to sound real casual when I said that but that's not how I was feeling. I didn't really know what to say to her, whether I should talk to her about last night or try to shut it out of my head, I mean, even after thinking about it all night, which I did, I still didn't know how I was really feeling about it. Like I said, Peach and I have always been best friends but I have never thought of her and sex, ever, not even once and during my sleepless night that had kind of surprised me because judging by her self-pleasuring, her moans and her words, Peach is a really sexy girl: why hadn't I ever noticed that before? That was really bothering me. Am I, like, sexless or something? That had me worried I've gotta tell you because I could be, I really could: maybe I was a 19 year old virgin for a reason; maybe I'm one of those guys who can't have sex or something, I've heard of those types of guys before, but I didn't think I was one of them because I've thought about sex a lot, but I've never done it and didn't even like to do it with myself, well, not much because it always feels a little illegal to me and when the spurt finally comes, like it did last night, I kind of feel like I've commited some kind of criminal act or something, I always feel a little guilty which sort of takes a lot of the pleasure out of it, but not all of it, I still do it, but not much, not as much as I'd like to.
"So you've never thought of me sexually." I could still see that she had a little anger in her voice, which was really unusual for her, like I said.
"No." Which was true, like I told you.
"You would never have come into my bed?"
"No." And I never would.
"Last night I was thinking of walking around the room in my underwear, would that have helped?" I was feeling a little like I was dizzy or something, maybe it was because I didnt get any sleep but I think a lot of it had to do with what she was talking about, I mean she never talked about this kind of stuff before and I sure couldn't see why she would walk around the motel room in her underwear but I didn't say anything.
"Would it? Would walking around in my underwear have helped?" She sounded even a little madder.
I guess I had to speak so I said, "Why would you do that?" I didn't get it. Who would walk around in her underwear?
"I'd do it so you could see my body, Freddie, I thought all men liked girls with big breasts. I think I have a really sexy body, haven't you ever noticed?" She sounded like she wanted me to answer her, I think she really wanted to know if I thought she had a sexy body or not, which I didn't get because I don't think I've ever even looked at it, I mean it was hers for pity sake, for me, looking at her would be like looking at my sister Penny's body and who would ever do that? That's disgusting and probably illegal.
"So you've never noticed?" She didn't sound mad any more, she sounded more like she was disappointed in me, I've heard this kind of voice from her a lot of times before.
"Of course I've never noticed. You're my cousin for pity sake."
"What a friggin' twit you can be." Peach didn't swear very often, she knew I hated it. "Who said cousin's can't be together? If that was true half the royal blood lines would have died out a thousand years ago. Cousins should care about each other, I mean who do I want to spend the rest of my life with, some guy I haven't met yet or some guy I've known all my life, a guy I not only love, but should love, we've got some of the same blood for chrissake."
I hated it when she swears, I really do and I usually say something about it but I didn't now, she sounded too mad. I had thought about this love stuff all night and why wouldn't I? It was the first time anyone except my mother has ever said that to me and Peach seemed to mean it. And, to tell you the truth, it really kind of got to me, no question, but there was no question also that this love stuff is wrong. Peach could be a little spinny at times and this was one of those times, there was no doubt about it.
"So you're not interested in me?"
"Of course I'm interested in you." When I wasn't playing video games, and I've got to admit I did a lot of that, way too much of it — I was trying to quit them, which was one of the reason we were taking this long drive to the coast and back, to get away from them; it was my mum's idea, it was what she had done when she quit smoking, anyway, when I wasn't playing video games I always hung out with Peach, we even played some of the video games together, so of course I'm interested in her, I didn't know what she was talking about.
"But not sexually, you don't want to fuck me."
"Peach!" I just about drove off the blessed road.
"That's what I want, Freddie, I want to fuck you and I want you to want to fuck me. We're 19 years old for fuck's sake, it's about time we started fucking." Peach has always been a bit of a peachnut (that's what her brother calls her), she is a lot like her mother, not stupid, far from it, she's always at the top of her class, which always surprises me because she almost always acts like a scatterbrain, like now, and she looks like a scatterbrain, too, mainly because of her hair: it's long, well past her shoulders, sort of ratty brown and she has these really stupid looking bangs that bang up against her eyebrows which are really thick and they're always arched up like she's always kind of surprised by what she sees, and excited and she has hair under her arms, too, and up until just before we left she had it on her legs but for some reason she shaved that off, and her mouth is a little dopey-looking, too, a little crooked, it tilts a little to the left so she always looks like she's kind of amused, which she mostly is because she's always in a good mood, except maybe now. "Well?" she said.
"Well what?" I was thinking about her so I forgot what she said.
She punched me in the leg, and not gently either, "Shouldn't we be fucking?"
She shouldn't be talking this way so I didn't say anything, I pretended to be concentrating on my driving, just like I was pretending that I wasn't in pain, but not from her punch: I really needed to shift my hard-on, it was painful because it was bent in the crease of my jeans, but I couldn't do anything about it because I was waiting for her to look away before I could sort of move it to a better location but I could feel that she was staring at me.