I looked at the cross shaped window that lit up with gold from the midday sun. I felt really peaceful with the deep inhale. I planted my hands palm down on my khaki pants. They felt slightly sweaty. I pressed my golden wedding ring a little harder against the pants. It always gets a little sticky and constraining when I feel anxious. Those quiet group moments always started really peaceful. The whole group gave me space to collect my thoughts, but towards the end, I started feeling my throat constricting to the point where I was sure that only a squeak would come out of it.
"My name is Jasper. I'm a parent. Nina is my daughter. She is a lovely sophomore and staying home during her study to save money. She had her nineteenth birthday recently," I told the audience.
There was Sally, a black woman with curly hair. She always fuzzed about what was right and wrong for her kid to do. There was Richard, the group leader, who dressed in black and gardened when he wasn't hosting group meetings. There was Sam, the computer geek, who was always very sensitive. There were also a few newcomers.
"I struggle with the feelings that come up in me. I feel guilty about them. Nina is still a little girl in my eyes. I can see the chubbiness from when she was a baby in her cheeks. But she is also an adult now. She is tall and slender. And when she dresses to drive the boys in her class crazy, well, I feel a little crazy as well."
I paused. Sally was picking peanuts out of a small bag. Sam had a flush red face already. Richard grew a bulge in his pants. We were all guilty to some degree. We came here every week to dump those guilty feelings.
"So last Friday, she came home. She twirled a car key around her finger. I didn't even recognize it as a car key at first. I was busy putting the chicken tenders into the frying pan. But she boasted about it. She got a new car. I mean, she got a brand new car. We had talked about a used compact after Christmas, after she had saved up some money from Christmas gifts."
I had to pause because the blood pressure was already shooting up in me. Sally waved the finger to condemn my daughter's action. Nina does these things. It's not simply that she does these things, but she won't listen to what I tell her about it. It's like it doesn't sink in. Then the heat shoots up in. My wife will say that the fire shoots out of my eyes and that my blood vessels in my cheeks turn into red lines.
"Okay. I read in a parenting book to take breath... take a moment. And then to ask neutral fact finding questions. Let's not assume. So I ask her how she is going to pay for it. She tells me not to worry about it. She got a good loan. All good intentions went out of the window. The best I could do was to chew on my lips to keep the words in. So I tried my best with another neutral fact finding question. What is the interest rate? She blurted out 19%."
"I blew up. The Mercedes logo on the key put her at least out $30K. That's $5,700 interest a year. She doesn't have a job. My college and mortgage payments have me right at the edge every paycheck. She stood there middle in the hallway with her hip cocked to one side to tell me that I was annoying with her questions. She was wearing a $200 dress from Love and Lemon that I had paid for. It was blue dot white dress with a tight fighting body and fluidly flowing mid-thigh ending. The buttons were undone to show the top of her perky full sized breasts. She was wearing red slip on high heels. Her blond hair was flowing down her back. She was all that symbolizes easy breezy summer day and no responsibility at all."
"'You don't have the fucking money to pay any loan interest', I yelled at her full force. 'Get it through your head!' Her face snapped to impulsively upset. Her red lips rolled out to pout. 'I'll get a boyfriend who has a job that pays money.' She had threatened over and over to get a sugar daddy. 'You are not becoming a hooker!' I yelled at her. 'I've put way too much of my sweat and blood into getting you a good life and education.'"
"In hindsight, we were both so enraged that we only yelled things at each other. I was breathing so hard. My head was swirling. All I could feel was the drive to snap her straight. I don't know exactly how she experiences it. But her hair was flying through the air whenever she talked because her head and body would be so enraged in every point that she made. Her red youthful mouth wouldn't only spit words but saliva was freely flying as well, landing on the floor and on me. Her words would pierce my ear drums and echo back from the distant ceramic tile kitchen walls. She did seem a lot more like a woman than my little kid. And she had a feminine beauty in those pastel pink cheeks."
"I don't recall what we were yelling at each other. All I remember was that I wanted her to get: "You don't have any income to pay the loans. You are bankrupting me!" And then I asked how she even got approved for such a loan without a credit history. She said that she put us as co-signers down. But I shouldn't worry about having to do anything. She signed for me. My signature was very unimaginative and easy to copy. The word fraud lit up in my mind followed by the word prison. To imagine my daughter in prison was unbearable. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't jump out of my skin."
"And then I grabbed her. I wrapped my left arm around the middle of her torso to force her to bend forward. I lifted up the back of her dress. And my right hand started whacking down on her cheeks. Those two smooth cheeks with the soft skin and the baby blue G-string in the middle. I slammed down on her cheeks: You-don't-go-to-prison. You-fucked-up. You-can't-pay-a-loan. You-must-give-back-the-car. With each slap, I intonated a word into her to force it to sink into her head. And my eyes were transfixed onto that peach bum. The baby blue G-string was so soft and girly. It so barely covered her asshole. I was peeking at her barely concealed sex."
"I got aroused. It didn't help that her body was writhing around in the embrace of my left arm. I get a sensual impression of her whole youthful body, so tender, so slim, so flexible, so nubile, so fierce... I felt her boobs rubbing against the side of my arm. I felt the heat of her being fighting against me. It was so animalistic, so raw, so connected. And then I was raging hard. I was gushing with lust. It was like a switch had flipped the rage into animal lust. I was panting so hard and out of breath. I was so instinctively driven by my base instincts taking over. She was lost in the same animal instinct as her whole being fought with me and rubbed against me."
"I let go of her. I stepped back stunned. I was ragingly ready to fuck. I felt like I was a paper thin line away from ripping down that baby blue G-string and ramming in my dick into my very own daughter. I stumbled backwards to get away from that cliff that sucked me in like a vortex. The blood in my penis raged to plunge into the supple teenage flesh. I struggled to get away. I ran. I ran. I saw the restroom. I locked myself in it. I unpacked my dick and started masturbating hard. It was a fuck with my hand like I had never experienced before - heat and passion like nothing else."
