Our Perfectly Normal Family

Well, dammit, I said I wasn't going to write anymore. I meant it at the time. I wrote my way through the grief of losing a lifelong friend and lover. It was a raw period.

Time was a friendly salve, though; it eased me past the worst.

So did the writing because while I was at the keyboard I had some purpose—some reason to fill hours when I'd have rather gone to bed.

When I was better and the erotica was purely (umm-mostly) invented, other parts of life and love filled in the hours.

The keyboard played second fiddle.

Now my other lifelong lover has died. Within days of her death

my sister died and I've been back in that dark place.

I'm more alone than I want to be, so I'm back at the keyboard.

I'm choosing a new protagonist/narrator—a 3

rd

generation libertine! I have no storyboard, no plot outline, and no idea where the story will take her.

Fuck cancer.

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Our Perfectly Normal (Fucking) Family

There aren't many people on earth who would take an intimate look at my family and declare us to be "Normal." But dammit, we ARE! It's just that we choose to define our own normal. To a person, we'll all set you straight—We Are Perfectly Normal! In our own way, we absolutely are! But I have to stop myself from talking too openly about us when I'm on the "outside" meaning, not with just a very few people.

I came so close after Thanksgiving when Diane and I went up to Chicago for Granny D's memorial service. Jesus f'ing Christ, but that was an awful time. Granny and I had really just begun to know each other as adults. She was so great when I finally came out, and she adored Diane. She was on chemo when we got married, but you'd never have known it. She was the life of the party at the reception! Aunt Kathy told me later Granny had talked her oncologist out of some "pharmaceutical energy" that left her in a mess for days afterward.

But I'm rambling. Let me give you an overview of our "Completely Normal" family:

I'm early 20's, bi-sexual (mostly gay) and married to a fabulous woman, Diane;

My mom, Nan, and dad, Jimmy are swingers. My mom is bi (mostly straight) and my dad is "experimenting."

My Granny D and Aunt Kathy have been lovers (oh dammit,

had

been lovers) since their teens;

Aunt Kathy isn't really related, but she and Granny D grew up together from, like, age nothing;

Granny D's brother, Mom's Uncle Chad, was also Aunt Kathy's lover. They almost got married. He died about 4 years ago. (Fuck war AND cancer);

My best friend Ginger, my first lover, was a stripper for a while. She stopped that and manages an Adult store now.

G and I, (Ginger, that is) have both fucked our own and each others' moms and dads, though we don't make it a habit.

And all that feels so

normal

to us! You can see why we don't noise it around though. Oh yeah, nearly forgot, G's folks, Frank and Dory, swing with mom and dad. I think that's almost it, unless you get into my sister's family.

So—Chicago. That wasn't a time of raging hormones at the outset, at least I sure wasn't feeling it, but there we all were. Our Perfectly Normal family was gathered in public at a post-service reception, meeting "mourners" and guarding our conversations around, ohmygod, seemed like thousands of Granny D's friends. The visitation or reception or whatever it was went on for fucking ever.

Diane and I didn't cause a stir, not like we do at home. At home (North Carolina) we've had a brick though the window and "Fucking dykes!" yelled at us when we're out in the neighborhood. Chicago is at least more 21

st

century than that. But folks at the funeral home probably wouldn't have been as casual about swinging, and certainly not about grown daughters fucking their moms and dads! Or parents fucking their daughter's wife—Diane has had both of them too!

Granny D's husband, my step-grandfather, made a misstep that led to a scene. You see, he knew what Mom looked like naked. The truth of it was that stumbled in while Aunt Kath and Andy were up at Granny's for a long weekend, along with Sandrine (longer story) and they were all playing strip truth-or-dare. Can you can believe it! I mean, Granny D and Aunt Kath are in their 60's for God's sake! Anyway, Rex made a comment about Mom's tits and bush within earshot of people who, for fuck's sake, were NOT family! I'll give you that Rex was pretty disoriented, but still. Dad and Andy had to move in and changed the topic, but you could see some raised eyebrows.

I didn't know who the bitch was, but she heard Rex's slip. She made right for Diane and me, loudly and dramatically proclaiming she was so glad lesbians didn't have to hide anymore! (Like we needed her fucking endorsement.) We endured it for a bit, but then she asked like we were now best friends: "Now, what was that Rex was saying about your mother, dear?"

I was already irritated with her. My hackles went up. I was on the verge of hissing obscenities at her, but Diane calmly shut her down: "I think Rex can be forgiven, under the circumstances, don't you?" And Diane pulled me away. "Time and place for everything, Pam," she whispered. "Let this one go."

I'm Pam, by the way, sorry for not introducing myself earlier.

But the bitch didn't give it up! I saw her pull Aunt Kath close. Kath looked startled, and then heel-stomped the bitch's foot! She pretended concern and remorse but grinned when the bitch limped away. I almost cheered out loud!

My sister Stephanie saw the stomp and retreat, but hadn't seen or heard what led to it. She made her way to me.

"Pammy, you know what that was about?" Steph whispered.

"Rex told Mom he especially loved her tits and bush because they reminded him so much of Granny D," I whispered, "and that bitch overheard it. She tried to get me to say something, and I'd bet she pulled the same shit on Aunt Kath."

"Oh shit," Steph shook her head. "You know who the bitch is, don't you?"

"Not a clue," I answered, "have we got a mess?"

"Used to be a society editor for the Trib, back in the dark ages. Now she specializes in online gossip," came Steph's reply. "Wouldn't surprise me to start reading that Mom and Rex were having an affair while Granny D was dying of cancer. It'd be just her style. Or lack of."

"Shit. Thoughts? How do we head this off?" I was feeling sick about the possibilities.

"Here's something," Diane offered. "How about we let her approach us again, and just say, "Well, if you think it's your business, and we definitely don't, why don't you ask Mom? Or Rex, for that matter?"

Diane continued: "Steph, you could prep your mom to say Rex had blundered in on her in the shower or something, OK? And Rex too."

"I'm on it," Steph agreed, "but the trick may be keeping Dad or Rex from decking the bitch."

We meandered our way near her path, and The Bitch couldn't resist a last try. She was more blunt this time. Steph had guessed right.

"When did you know your mother and grandfather were having an affair?" she demanded.

"You're getting that from Rex's comment!?" I shot back. "That's a demented fantasy! And before I went spreading that around, I'd sure ask either Mom or Rex about it. But you'd probably just rather nurture your little perverted lunacy, wouldn't you!" I was on a roll.

"And just because my grandmother is dead, don't think there aren't other attorneys just as sharp who'll sue your ass for libel. Go on—I dare you to go ask the only people who know. But don't be surprised if Rex decks you, you shriveled old bag of venom!" I was about to deck her myself. And I was loud enough that heads were turning and conversations stopped mid-sentence. Even without seeing her face, I could feel Diane cringing. I brought it back down.

"My apologies," I said, back in control. "Your assumption is way off the mark, and deeply insulting. If you really can't think of any other circumstance for family members to stumble on each other in a state of undress, either your experience or your imagination is hopelessly stunted. What I'd really suggest is that you admit the rumor you were spreading and offer apologies to my mother and grandfather!"

A man strode out of the crowd toward us. "Elinor!" he addressed The Bitch quietly through gritted teeth, "what the hell are you up to now?"

"She accused my mother and grandfather of having an affair," I explained, and quite calmly I thought.

"Oh my God. Get out of here mother, and keep your yap closed," he barked at her. "You have my sympathy," he continued, addressing Diane and me. "She's off in her fantasies again. I'll probably have to shut off her internet, but please—I'll speak with Rex. I'm so sorry."

The naked truth was all the rest of the Perfectly Normal gang on that truth-or-dare night (Rex, Granny D, Aunt Kath and Andy) really did have sex with each other! In fact, they continued having it right up until nearly the end. But Mom wasn't with them by then, she was off with Sandrine. Oh—Sandrine. That's Steph's mother-in-law. Sandrine and Rex had a fling after Steph's wedding while Granny D and Aunt Kath were off having their own fun. See—Perfectly Normal family!

Later Mom found me.

"Mom," I exclaimed, "did Steph . . ."

"Stephanie found me," Mom cut me off, "and I gather the moment has passed? I understand you gave an impressive talk!"

"Mom, . . ." I tried to continue, but she cut me off again and gave me a hug.

"I know—got the full report on, I think Steph said you named her "The Bitch? Anyway David, The Bitch's son, found us and apologized. He thinks he can block her, but no one who knows her believes her much anymore anyway. It's all good. Thanks for giving her a piece of the family mind."

"Well, it's not like . . ."

And that's when I almost blew it. It was on my mind to say, "not like YOU screwed Rex that night," but there were still ears tuned in! I recovered in time to add:

". . . you would have an affair with anyone, much less grandpa."

"He opened the door as I was stepping out of the shower. I should have locked the door—Granny was using the master and we were sharing a guest bath. Rex and I were alternating 12 hour shifts by that point. It was an awful time."

"I figured something like that. You didn't need to tell me."

Mom hugged me again—two fisted hug. I'm shorter, and Mom's tits rode up on my shoulders. I got a little flush of arousal. Perfectly Normal!

Rex's comment was right on the fucking target, by-the-way even if it was ill-timed. Mom and Granny D could have been twins if they'd been the same age. Both of them were really stacked, both of them had a full, thick bush, they shared facial features, and both were unabashedly horny bisexuals. I don't

think

Mom and Granny D ever got it on.

I have that over the two of them—Mom and I

have

gotten it on—twice! And with a lot of exclamation marks! I probably like it more than Mom—I had to really work to seduce her.

And as far as I know, Mom and Rex never connected, although I wouldn't be shocked if somewhere down the road Rex doesn't come down for an overnight or two with Mom and Dad. Perfectly Normal family thing to do, right?

That little spark from Mom's hug kept resonating. At very long last, all the hangers-on and conversations faded away, and it really was just family again. Our Perfectly Normal family.

"I've got to apologize for the boobs and bush comment, Nan," Rex said, shaking his head. "For a minute there, the world was somewhere else and it was just you and me. Crap, what a fuck-up."

I don't think I'd ever heard Grandpa drop the f-bomb, and I giggled a little.

"Grandpa! Language! Impressionable young ears present!" I teased.

"Impressionable young ears my hairy ass!" Rex shot back, relaxing and giving a small chuckle. "You've probably been up to more than I've ever thought about!"

I wasn't sure just how much Mom had shared with Rex and Granny D, but I thought I'd change the subject before I found out.

"Is it about time for dinner?"

"Hope you're hungry," Rex replied, "I'll call and tell them to get moving on the delivery. We should get home a little before they roll in."

"Who's catering?" Steph asked.

"The Berghoff!" Dad answered. "Granny D's favorite!"

"Oooo-Saurbraten?!" Steph asked eagerly.

"Ja!" Dad tried out his German "Und Spaetzel, und Rotkraut, und der schnitzel, und Mettwurst, und Knackwurst, und, uh—how do you say German Potato Salad?"

"Deutsche Bratkartoffeln, I think," Di offered. "Sounds yummy! Und Bier?" she added.

"Ja, viel bier!" Dad added.

"I didn't know you sprechened the deutsche, Dad!!" I grinned.

"There's a German engineer on staff at Denso," Mom explained. "Mostly he just knows how to cuss!"

"Nine, doctor Titten," Dad grinned, "Ich kenne viele Worter!" ("No, Dr. Knockers, I know many words." Diane had to translate for us.)

We loaded up and headed back to Granny D's house. Shit, Rex's house. This will take a while to get used to. Singular pronouns, and no more present tense for Granny D.

Sandrine welcomed us back with hugs. She'd been house-sitting for Rex. There were more floral arrangements that had come to the house rather than the funeral home, and she'd set the table for us.

Back at the house, Granny D's absence was still overwhelming. Generations 1 and 2-- Rex, Kath and Andy, Mom, Dad and Sandrine--were generally subdued, but stayed with it. Steph, Diane and I sure weren't giddy, but maybe less depressed.

The food was just right for the setting. Nothing formal or elegant, just very good and very filling. I was surprised to have a rising appetite. We traded lots of stories, some of which were stories of royal fuck-ups and bawdy memories and led us to laugh until tears rolled. even Rex and Kathy could laugh. We shared quiet, treasured memories of growing up, and about our larger-than-life Granny D. Denise—that was her real name. Or Dene, her childhood nickname, if Aunt Kathy was speaking. Kathy joined in on a few memories, but was certainly the most subdued.

Who could blame Kath, really. Granny D had been her closest friend all of her life. Their parents were neighbors when they were born, and they had been lovers since late high school—over 4 decades. On top of that, Kathy's older sister was in hospice care. Andy was at her side, also quiet, and looked ready to accommodate anything that would ease her heartache.

Mom had told me bits and pieces of their lives, Kath's and Granny's. Now that I wouldn't hear any more stories from Granny, I made myself a promise to spend time with Kathy and hear all she would tell me about herself and Granny and Uncle Chad.

As the evening drew to a close and we were heading upstairs, Diane gave me a shoulder hug and asked quietly: "So how are you doing?"

"I'm horny," I admitted, "does that surprise you?"

"Some. But then, you're you, so, not that much!" she said with a smile and a squeeze.

"Also tired," I admitted, "but when Mom hugged me after The Bitch was gone, I got a little tingle. It's been working on me."

In the room, we kissed, and Diane went off to the bath. I got out of my clothes and into a robe, waiting my turn in the shower. After a bit, there was a light knock on the door and Steph's voice said: "Pammy—you still up?"

"Sure Sis." I sighed internally, realizing this probably meant my last little bit of energy would go into "sister time" rather than Diane time.

"Hey," She said, coming in softly.

"Hi" I said, rising to give her a hug.

It had been ages since we'd had any time together, just the two of us. It suddenly felt good to feel her close. And since I've gone on a bit about our Perfectly Normal family, I'll add that no, Stephie and I never fooled around. She

did

stand watch so that Ginger and I could fool around—she knew I was a lesbo way before anyone else got wise, and kept it a close secret.

"Diane's awfully nice," she offered. "I really didn't get to spend much time with her at the wedding. She's very poised. And smart!"

"I really lucked out Stephie. She's just perfect. I love her so much—and she can usually keep me from fucking up too much!"

"And good in bed?" Stephie grinned.

"Very good in bed, not that it's any of your business," I said, smiling and giving her a poke on the shoulder.

"Well, you've got it better than me, then," she sighed.

"What?!? I thought you and Randy fucked like bunnies! Like, 20 times a day!"

"Don't know what it is. Married too long, maybe. Maybe he's getting some on the side like his dad. Anyway, if I can get it once a week, I feel lucky. And I'm usually not lucky."

"You think he's cheating on you?!?" I was flabbergasted.

"Something's sapped his libido—I'd be foolish not to consider it. And he thinks my tits are too big."

"Steph . . "

"I KNOW! But now I'm jealous of yours. Can you believe it? All those years you whined about me getting Mom's tits and you getting Dad's! Now he thinks I should get mine sliced and diced. Have you caught him staring at you? He does."

"He's never made a pass at me Steph, I can tell you that much." I tried to sound sympathetic. "He's never even tried to cop a sneaky feel in a tight hall."

"Shit. I get that all the time. You too?" Steph asked, "guys copping sneaky feels?" She seemed surprised that someone as flat-chested as me would draw sneaky feels.

"Girls too, but yeah. I'm sorry Steph."

"I'll get by. Plenty of good ol' vibes at hand," she tried to laugh, but didn't quite make it.

"Have you talked to Mom and Dad about it?" I asked.

"God NO!" she gasped. "Tell my parents I'm not getting laid often enough? I don't think so!"

"Well," I gently suggested, "I would. I mean, well listen—you actually had a lot to do with my coming out to them. Why did you tell me to tell them I'm gay (and by the way, it's more that I'm bi) when you can't muster the nerve to talk about yourself. They're pretty damned cool, you know? And while I'm at it, I kinda thought you already knew Mom was bi when you put the squeeze on me to come out. Did you?" I tried to keep any tone of accusation out of my voice.

"Well, yes. But not from talking to Mom. Sandrine told me. Do you know about that weekend up at Granny D's?" Stephanie asked.

"Yeah, between Mom and Aunt Kathy, I think I've got pretty much the whole story. Mom spent the night with Sandrine, right?" I replied. "So Sandrine came running back and told you?"

"Not right away. It was probably 6 months. Sandrine had been pretty open with us about her new lifestyle after the divorce. Did you know that Rex slept with her in Knoxville? Twice! Once after the rehearsal dinner, and again after my wedding!"

"I found that out pretty recently," I told her. "Pretty big shock for you? And for Randy I bet?!?"

"Shock might be an understatement," she agreed. "We were flabbergasted. She doesn't tell us any details ever, but she was clear that this was her decision, that she was happy with "the lifestyle" as she calls it, and that she hoped we'd get used to the idea."

"But we were talking about Mom some months after that," Steph continued, "and she just said, conversationally, 'Oh, I had a lovely time with her up at your Grandmother's house.' I pressed a little more, and she said "We enjoyed each other very much." Not "we enjoyed each other's company," just, "we enjoyed each other," and the way she said it made it clear. I went to see her once after that while Randy was out of town and got her drunk enough to spill the beans. I don't know if Mom knows I know. Sandrine may have told her."

"Hi," Diane called from the door as she came back in. She was wearing a thin, clingy night gown, and her nipples were very erect.