Jeri woke up that morning, still distraught over the events of the last couple of days. She could hear her son, Dale, moving around the house, getting ready to go to work. When he got home last night, she feigned being sick and spent the night in her room. She was still laying in bed when she heard the door open. She feigned sleep when he stuck his head in to check on her. He quietly closed the door behind him so she could continue resting. After a few minutes she heard the door of his pickup truck slam closed and the engine coming to life. She waited until the sound faded into the distance before getting out of bed.
Two nights ago, she had masturbated while she watched her son have FaceTime sex with his sister, Lily. She had seen her son naked for the first time since he was little and the sight had since fueled her fantasies. Yesterday, she masturbated again when she found his cum towel in the laundry. She had one of the most powerful orgasms of her life while she sniffed that towel, picturing herself jerking on Dale's hard dick. In the aftermath, she made an appointment to speak with her therapist.
She arrived at Julia's office a few minutes before nine and was ushered into a private room shortly after. Julia arrived and greeted her warmly with a hug. They sat in a pair of comfortable chairs and started chatting. Julia always started her sessions with idle banter. The matronly woman had been doing this for a long time and was very practiced at putting her patients at ease so they would open up about often painful topics.
After a few minutes of small talk Julia made the shift into therapist mode, "How are things going?"
"Not well. To be honest, I'm not even sure I should be talking to anyone about this," Jeri said. Now that she was in the chair opposite this woman that she normally trusted, she had a knot of nerves in her stomach.
Julia reached out and covered Jeri's hand with her own, "You know you can trust me. Even if I wasn't bound by confidentiality, I hope I've proven that I would never betray your confidence."
"I know, Julia. This is just very uncomfortable for me to talk about," Jeri said.
"Take your time, dear. Can I get you a glass of water?" Julia offered.
Jeri took a deep breath, "No, thank you. I'm fine." She took another deep breath before recounting the events of the past two days. Most of them, anyway. She told Julia about how her son was intruding on her sexual fantasies. She admitted to masturbating while she watched him do the same. She left out the detail about Dale having FaceTime sex with his sister. She felt that was not her secret to divulge. She admitted to masturbating again with the smell of his semen in her nostrils. She was confused and afraid that she would try to do something inappropriate with Dale. She told Julia how she felt like a bad mother for having these desires. Through it all, Julia listened intently. Finally, Jeri ran out of steam.
The silence that followed was deafening to Jeri. She knew that Julia would not betray her confidence. There was a part of her that hoped for harsh judgement and recriminations. It would give her something to cling to in her struggle. She watched as Julia shifted in her seat and braced herself for the worst.
This was hardly the first time Julia counseled a woman who had developed sexual desires for her child. Jeri was in a very vulnerable position and the therapist knew that a misstep could set their progress back months. She put her hand over Jeri's hand again and said, "Everything is going to be alright."
If Jeri looked a bit haunted before, she looked spooked now, "I don't understand."
Julia gripped Jeri's hand for reassurance, "It will be alright. As a matter of fact, in a way it's a good sign."
Jeri stiffened, "What do you mean? How could this possibly be a good thing?"
Julia smiled, "Because it means you are moving past your grief over Peter. Your desires have started shifting to another person." She let go of Julia's hand, "Admittedly, they've shifted in an unorthodox direction. Even so, the fact that you've started having desires for someone other than Peter means that you are healing."
"But he's my son," Jeri replied.
"He's also the man who is supporting you. The man that you've spent the last few months living with. You've had more exposure to him than any other man in your life," Julia explained. "It's not entirely surprising that you would develop desires for him."
Jeri relaxed a little but was still doubtful. "I suppose that makes some sense," she said, "but that doesn't change the fact that he's my son. I shouldn't be thinking about him like that."
Julia sensed she was moving past the dangerous waters of the conversation. She leaned in, "Do you know why incest is such a strong taboo?"
The question caught Jeri by surprise. She thought about it for a moment before answering, "Because it's wrong for a parent to take advantage of their child?"
Julia nodded, "That's part of it. Even when the child is an adult, there is an inherent power imbalance in the relationship. That imbalance normally makes it impossible for the child to truly consent. But in your case, that isn't so cut and dried."
"What do you mean?" Jeri asked.
"Your reliance on Dale puts you on a more even footing with him," Julia replied, "that makes your relationship with your son more balanced than a normal mother-son relationship."
Jeri thought about what her therapist said. Her eyes opened wide, "Are you suggesting I should have sex with Dale?"
Julia kept her gaze steady and looked into Jeri's eyes, "I'm saying that these feelings do not make you a bad person or a bad mother. They simply make you a person who is healing from a profound personal tragedy."
Jeri's look of shock was replaced by one of confusion, "This is not how I expected this conversation to go."
"What were you expecting?" Julia asked.
"I was expecting," Jeri struggled with the thought, "I was hoping that you would tell me it was wrong and that I shouldn't even think of doing something like that."
Julia once again put her hand on Jeri's, "It's not my place to say what you should do. I can only guide you to do what is right for you. That's the only way you'll continue to heal."
Jeri was still confused, "So you think I should?"
Julia shook her head, "No, dear. I'm saying that you are the only one who can make that decision. If this is the next step on your journey, it's not for me to pass judgement one way or the other." Julia squeezed Jeri's hand again, "The only truly unhealthy thing you can do is nothing."
"What do you mean?" Jeri asked.
"These desires need to be resolved one way or another. The only way to do that is to talk about them with your son," Julia said.
Jeri's eyes once again went wide, "You can't be serious!"
"Very serious. If you try to avoid this then your desires will only get stronger over time. The guilt and shame you've attached to those desires will grow along with them. Eventually those feelings will overwhelm you and you will do something self-destructive. The embarrassment of talking to your son now will be dwarfed by the potential harm you can do if you don't talk this through with him." Julia said.
Jeri spent the rest of the morning and afternoon mulling over her session. She went grocery shopping and picked up a couple of bottles of wine along with a roast and some vegetables. When she returned home, she poured herself a glass of wine and lounged on the couch. The buzz of the wine crept in around the edges of her consciousness as she thought about the last couple of days. She suppressed the feelings that rose in her as she contemplated them in the context of what Julia said. The wine took just enough of the edge off to help her think clearly.
With the vegetables chopped and the roast safely in the oven, she busied herself with some half-hearted cleaning. An hour before Dale was due home, she checked the roast one more time and headed upstairs to take a long, hot shower. When she was finished, she wrapped a towel around her body and headed back to her room. She felt the slightest tickle on the tops of her thighs where the edges of the towel made contact as she walked. She dropped the towel as she entered her room and stood in front of her dresser mirror.
She studied herself in the mirror for a while. She was naturally slim with smallish breasts and hips that flared out ever so slightly. She had the faded stretch marks and the tummy of a middle-aged woman who had two children. Her breasts weren't big enough to have much sag, but her nipples were distended and sensitive from breastfeeding her children all those years ago. She turned to look at her ass and could see some cellulite, but not a lot. She felt like she held up pretty well for an old lady. She picked up the bottle of her favorite lotion and started applying it to her body. The room filled with the scent of vanilla as she caressed herself.
She took the towel from her head, letting her wet, shoulder-length, graying blonde hair loose. She towel dried it as much as possible before taking the hair dryer to it. Next she sat at her dresser and applied some light makeup. She was not a fan of heavy makeup and felt that for most occasions, a bit of mascara, eyeliner, and blush was enough. She took one of her favorite sun dresses, white with a yellow flower print, from the closet and slipped it on over her head. After one last look in the mirror, she headed downstairs to check on dinner.
Jeri's stomach lurched when she heard Dale's truck pull into the driveway. She had just taken the roast from the oven and was setting the kitchen table when Dale came in through the mud room. He took after Jeri with his tall, lean form. He was gangly in high school, but he had since filled out into a more lithe figure. Working construction for the last few years had made him strong but not overly muscular. His face more closely resembled Peter except his eyes, which were the same soft brown as hers. He wore his honey blonde hair close cropped.
"Hey mom, feeling better?" Dale came over and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
Jeri wrinkled her nose at him as she accepted the peck. He had clearly spent the day working on the site. "I'm fine, honey. Dinner's almost ready. Go take a shower." She shooed him away.
Dale bounded up the stairs while Jeri picked up her half-full wine glass and finished it off. She was going to need all the help she could get tonight.
