Natalie's Needs

N: Hey Dad, there you are. I need your help.

D: Sure, honey, what is it?

N: Can you re-tie this string? It's hard for me to reach it on my hip.

D: But it's tied.

N: Well, it's half undone. It has to be double-tied, otherwise someone could just tug on one of these ends, and I'd be instantly bottomless. That's a little too fashion-forward even for me.

D: Maybe I should triple-tie it.

N: Relax, Dad, it's not a chastity belt. Thank you. You know, it took me ten minutes to find you - what are you doing hiding in the corner back here?

D: I am not hiding. I'm - resting.

N: Resting? It's not even four in the afternoon.

D: Exactly. It's not even four, and we've hit half a dozen bars since noon. There are probably fifty more on this little island, and you're going to want to visit most of them before you're done. If I'm going to keep up with you, I have to pace myself.

N: Yeah, that'll be the day. So says the man who always orders two drinks at last call, in case you need one for a friend.

D: [Laughs] I usually get to drink them both if you're not with me. But okay, I guess you're right. The apple didn't fall too far from the tree when it comes to that.

N: Alright, so what is it really? Are you okay?

D: I'm fine, honey. I just wanted to get out of your way for a while.

N: Out of my way?

D: Well, yeah. I mean, you're single again.

N: Again.

D: Yes, you've been single for a while now, and here we are in this tropical paradise. We've been here four days and we have five left, and you've spent every waking minute with me. Don't get me wrong, I love it - I really, really love it, but I feel like I'm cramping your style. This place is packed full of people from all over, all looking to have a good time. You have no shortage of admirers - everywhere we go, I see the heads swiveling, the eyes staring - but they don't approach you, because they see you're with your dad.

N: Well, I think most of them think you're my boyfriend.

D: Maybe so, but either way, I'm in the way.

N: So, what do you suggest?

D: Let's split up for a while. You get out there and meet some people. Who knows, you might meet someone who's fun to hang out with for a day, maybe much more. Anything's possible, just, you know, give it a chance.

N: I will if you will.

D: Me?

N: Yeah, you. Everything you said, I could throw back at you. I've been walking around with you, too, you know. Most of your admirers are women, and most of them are a bit more subtle. There is not so much swiveling and staring, but I see them looking, and so do you.

D: I guess so.

N: And you've been single a lot longer than me. In fact, I've never seen you stay single this long before. What's up with that?

D: Oh, sweetie, do you really want to talk about this stuff?

N: I wouldn't have asked if I didn't.

D: Yeah, I know. Well, you know my pattern. A night or two, a week or two, a month or two. Sometimes even a year or two, but never longer. Then I start all over again.

N: So why didn't you? Why didn't you get back on that horse?

D: That's not a very nice way to talk about my ex-girlfriend.

N: Very funny. Come on, tell me, Dad.

D: These last couple of years, I just haven't been as motivated to restart the cycle. It doesn't feel like getting back on the horse. It feels more like getting back in the hamster wheel.

N: Seems like the real issue is that your relationships never last more than a couple of years. So why do you think that is?

D: Oh, look at that, our drinks are empty. I'd better go get us another round.

N: Oh no you don't. You stay right there - I really want to get to the bottom of this. Why?

D: Well, I'm just making my best guess here, but I think it may be because I'm a selfish, obsessive, perfectionist prick who's incapable of making any sort of compromise in a relationship.

N: You're unsatisfied.

D: [Laughs] Yes.

N: In what way are you unsatisfied?

D: Emotionally. Intellectually. Conversationally. Sexually.

N: Ah.

D: Well, as long as we're getting to the bottom of things, I can't help but notice, your pattern is not all that different from mine. You skew a little longer, and you haven't been at it near as long, but still - they don't last.

N: They don't last.

D: And why is that, do you suppose?

N: What was it you said before? About apples and trees?

D: Oh.

N: Yeah.

D: Well, I know something else we have in common.

N: What's that?

D: When we find ourselves down on the ground, we only lie there whining and feeling sorry for ourselves for a little while, and then we get up and get moving. So let's make a deal. I'll get back on my horse, and you get back on your horse -

N: That is actually far too nice a way to refer to my ex-boyfriend.

D: Very funny. Okay, we'll leave the horses here. You take this side of the street, and I'll take that side. We will get out there and meet some people. We'll approach it in an open and adventurous way, and we'll be willing to give someone a chance, explore opportunities...like that. Deal?

N: Okay, Dad, it's a deal.

D: Alright, I'm off. Text me later, let me know what's happening, okay? Love you!

N: Love you, Dad!

About three hours later:

N: Hi Dad, I got your text.

D: Hi, honey. Are you checking up on me?

N: Not exactly. But I am curious about how you ended up here.

D: You want to hear the story of my afternoon's adventures?

N: Well - you don't seem to have a companion, so I guess it's a pretty short story.

D: It is.

N: Did you stick to the deal?

D: I did. I got out there and really tried. I turned the charm up to eleven. I flirted relentlessly, and pretty successfully. I encountered several women who showed enthusiastic interest, and I even met a few I thought I might like to go to bed with tonight...

N: But?

D: But I didn't meet any I thought I would like to wake up with tomorrow morning. So, when I saw the signs for Sunset Beach, I decided to take a break and watch the sunset, and then go try again. The action at the bars heats up after dark anyway. I stopped at the liquor store across the street, where a tiny helpful old lady sold me what she called the Sunset Fun Set, including this Styrofoam cooler full of ice and canned cocktails, and these two surprisingly thick, soft blankets. She suggested I get over here early and a grab a bench, because they are very comfortable, but hard, which is what the first blanket is for. She told me that it gets chilly quickly after the sun goes down, and that the firepits fill a little area with cheery light, but don't put out much heat, and that's what the second blanket is for.

N: And did this helpful lady mention that it was a clothing-optional beach?

D: She didn't; I think she thought I knew. Once I got across the street I saw the signs, but I figured it wouldn't interfere with my enjoyment of the sunset, and also, I was already lugging the cooler. So I found this bench, a little away from most of the others, with its own firepit, and I settled in with my Sunset Fun Set, and then I texted you. It was just to let you know where I was; I didn't expect you to come over.

N: I kind of had to.

D: Is your story more interesting than mine? You don't seem to have a companion either; did you stick to the deal?

N: I stuck to the deal. I put myself out there and talked to lots of men. I made eye contact, I smiled, I listened, I tried to engage...

D: But?

N: But, I didn't meet anyone who was all that engaging, and so I didn't actually get engaged.

D: Well, I'm glad you didn't get engaged; that would have been a little sudden.

N: Actually, it was disengaging that I had some trouble with, and I do have a sort of a companion.

D: What sort?

N: The pathetic sort. He's convinced that I have a serious thing for him, even though I told him very clearly that was wrong. He is sure I am "playing hard-to-get" or temporarily in denial about my true feelings.

D: How did he come to believe these things?

N: I made eye contact, I smiled, I listened, I tried to engage.

D: I see.

N: Anyway, like I said, I was trying to disengage, so I told him I was here with my boyfriend. He expressed doubt that any boyfriend could be an obstacle to the connection between us. Right then, you texted. Perfect timing - thank you. I told him that was my boyfriend and I had to go meet him, and I left. But - I guess he just had to see for himself, because I can see he followed me here.

D: Ah. So, the stalker sort. Where is he?

N: He's down closer to the water, away from the benches. You can spot him easily; he's the only person looking up the beach at us.

D: I see him. Okay, I'm gonna go kick his ass.

N: Dad - no! I told you, he's more pathetic than anything. I'm pretty sure I could kick his ass, if it came to that. That's not what I want. I just want him to understand that I am not available to him, so he'll slink away and go hump someone else's leg.

D: And how do you plan to accomplish that?

N: It should be easy. The sunset is just starting to get colorful, and it looks like it's going to be spectacular. I'll crack open one of these drinks and sit down to watch with you. I'll snuggle up and you put your arm around me. I already told him you're my boyfriend, so he should interpret things from that perspective. We'll let him get the right idea by getting the wrong idea.

D: That sounds good to me. Get over here, girlfriend!

About half an hour later:

N: Wow - that really was spectacular. There were colors in there that I don't even know a name for.

D: Amazingly beautiful.

Your stalker boy missed the whole thing, though - he is still looking at us.

N: Yeah, I see.

D: Now should I go kick his ass?

N: Dad, no. And don't get out of character either; I have an idea. Your liquor store lady was right about the chill, and about the firepits. Here, pull this blanket around both of us. I'm going to sit on your knee. He showed plenty of imagination about me earlier; maybe he'll fill in the blanks on his own and get the hint.

There, do you think this looks convincing? I'm going to lean back against you and just kiss your cheek a little. In this light, that should look pretty good.

D: Okay, honey.

[Kissing. First very quick and simple sounding pecks, but slowly the kisses get louder and more complicated, soon accompanied by heavy breathing and soft moaning from her, and then from him also.]

N: Dad? You have an erection - I felt it brush against me through your shorts.

D: Yes, honey, I have an erection. That is very, very true.

N: But Dad, why do you have an erection? [Kissing continues.]

D: There are a few reasons, honey.

N: Tell me.

D: Well, first, you're kissing my neck. I know it's only a couple of inches away from my cheek, but I feel like you crossed an important boundary.

N: [Kissing continues.] You mean this jawline, this perfect jawline right here? That's an important boundary?

D: It was. It seems sort of trivial now.

N: Mmmm. What else?

D: There's also the way you're kissing my neck. I mean, you are not just kissing me, you are, like, caressing me with your mouth. You are teasing and tonguing and suckling and nibbling and nuzzling, and ohhhh, baby...

N: I really am getting into character, huh? Is there more?

D: First let's be clear that no more would be needed. Just the kissing would certainly, easily be sufficient cause for the effect you observed. But there is more.

N: Tell me.

D: There's also the way you're sort of grinding on my thigh, and the fact that your little bikini bottoms are soaked right through.

N: Mmmmm, those all sound like pretty valid causes, Dad. I think I should probably try to quantify the effect a bit. You know, for science.

D: Mmhmm, for science.

N: Ohh. Ooooh. Oh! Ohhh, fffuck that's a big dick, Dad! I never pictured it that big.

D: Pictured?

N: [Giggles] Yes Dad. I have pictured it. Inaccurately, but yes. I have pictured it, I have pictured...us.

D: Once?

N:

D: Occasionally?

N:

D: Often?

N: Always, Dad.

D: Always? Since when?

N: Since always.

D: I don't understand.

N: [Sighs] You never knew Bob. You didn't miss much. The main thing I remember about him is just - coldness. He never knew I wasn't his. Of course, Mom didn't tell him! She didn't tell anyone - how could she? You were barely eighteen when it happened, still in high school, and she was a married woman. She was stuck in a marriage she hated, but she couldn't see any way out of it, especially after I was in the picture. She hoped Bob was my father, or at least that nobody would ever find out differently, and she kept her mouth shut.

So, he never knew, but he was always cold to me. He provided for me, he wasn't cruel or abusive - but he had no affection for me. He saw me as an obligation, and that was obvious to me, and it hurt. I didn't feel wanted by him; I didn't feel loved by him. I always craved that, but I never got it.

Fast forward a dozen years. He walked out and vanished completely from our lives. A while after that, Mom reached out to you, and after the DNA test, she told me. She said that Bob was never really my dad, and that my real dad had just found out about me and was going to come and see me. She said you were a soldier, stationed somewhere very far away, and that it would take some time. I waited for weeks, and I got more and more nervous and excited.

Finally, the day came. You were at the airport, and then your taxi was pulling up outside and Mom went out to get you. I was too hyper to sit, so I stood in the middle of the living room, watching the door where you were going to come in. But you were talking to Mom, and the first thing that came through the door was your voice. So deep, and smooth, powerful, but gentle, and warm, so full of warmth. I was still reeling from it when you suddenly appeared in the doorway. The light from the window was shining on you, it was like you were glowing, and you were just gorgeous, like a movie star. So tall and broad-shouldered, such chiseled, handsome features. Your eyes were sparkling with kindness and humor and warmth, again, so much warmth.

And then you saw me, and your eyes filled up with love and with tears and you ran to me. It was only a few steps, but you ran, and you scooped me up and spun me around, exactly like in a movie. You were so strong, and you were holding me so tightly, but so tenderly. I was crying hard, my face buried on your neck and shoulder, and then I would peek up at you to see that look in your eyes again. You loved me. You adored me. There was no hesitation, no resistance, no avoidance. You loved me and you wanted me, and you were thrilled to claim me as your own.

In thirty seconds, I was showered with more masculine love and affection and warmth than I'd had in my whole life before, a thousand times more. It was overwhelming, Dad. I was smitten, I was thunderstruck, I was just gone.

And then you were gone, too. Your visit was so short and then you were back on assignment, somewhere dangerous and far away. I knew that you were my father, but you didn't feel like my father. Bob still felt like my father. You felt more like a beautiful stranger, my movie star man who loved me. So, every night I went to bed, and I kissed my pillow, and pretended I was kissing you, the way I'd seen movie stars kiss, the movie kiss.

D: Uuuuuuh. Baby. That never faded?

N: Well - yes and no. First it grew stronger.

D: How?

N: For a few months, all I had were phone calls. I lived for those calls, for the sound of your voice, it hardly mattered what you said. And then one time I cried, and I told you it wasn't enough, that I needed more. And right then and there, you came up with the Vacation Plan.

Half of your leave days, every year, all for me. You never backed out; you never shared that time with anyone else. Those days were mine, and on those days, you were mine. You took me to beautiful places, exotic places, fascinating places. You pampered me and catered to me and planned everything around me. I had all your attention and all your affection - Dad, those trips were incredibly romantic!

D: But I never had a clue...

N: Of course not. I knew I could never let you see. I knew you didn't have those feelings for me. I would have been freaked out, and creeped out, if you did. I knew that for me as a young girl to have romantic feelings about a grown man was normal and innocent. I also knew that for you as a grown man to have romantic feelings for a girl as young as me would be very wrong. I knew it in my mind, and I also felt it in my bones. But the other taboo, the one that made my feelings wrong because you were my father - I knew it, but I didn't feel it. I felt the opposite.

I had a fantasy that one day, when I was grown up, you would suddenly see me as a woman, and you would fall in love with me, helplessly and totally, like I was with you. Our love would be so perfect that it wouldn't matter what people thought, what the world thought. Nothing would matter but us, and we would be able to get married, and have children, and live together for the rest of our lives in happiness and love. I clung to that for a long time. Years.

D: And then what happened?

N: I went to college. I was a very late bloomer sexually. I guess that's because I was already in love with someone completely unattainable. You know how it is with college, though. Sex is flowing through the air ducts, seeping through the walls. I bloomed pretty explosively then, but at first it was just on my own. And deep down, my fantasy romance was still you. The first time I ever gave myself an orgasm, that was the image in my mind - the movie kiss, with you. Sex with you. And from then until now, whether I'm with someone else or by myself, that's the image that comes to my mind when I have an orgasm. The movie kiss, with you, while you're deep inside me.

But I met plenty of boys who did desire me and were attainable. My life got more complicated and busier, and I started only coming on trips once every couple of years. The sex fantasy was baked in, but I thought of it as a weird relic of the weird way we met. I told myself it wasn't really you; it was the glowing movie star dad in the doorway. I told myself that a lot of people have fantasies they would never want to see come true, and this was one of those things. That's what I told myself, and that's what I believed.

D: When did that change?

N: Well - in one sense it was just a few minutes ago. I told you that I was going to kiss your cheek, and right after that, I suddenly knew I didn't want to stop there. And right after that, I suddenly knew I wasn't going to stop there. I wasn't going to stop at all, as long as you were willing to come with me.

D: I guess it's obvious that I'm willing to come with you, baby.

N: Hugely obvious, Dad.

D: But you said, "in one sense." What's the other sense?

N: In another sense, it's been building in me for years. After Mom passed away, and your whole family cut us off when their church got all culty, we became each other's only family. I got to the age where friends started to drift away. Like we talked about, lovers come and go. I started coming on all the vacations again, and we started to get closer, and...

And then there were the flashes. That's what I called them. Once in a while, if I was wearing something sexy or skimpy, you would look at my body and shift uncomfortably or even turn away, as if the sight were too much for you. I knew you weren't prudish - were you attracted? I couldn't be sure. And sometimes, if I was looking in a different direction, and I turned to find you looking at my face, I would see something, maybe. It lasted a tiny fraction of a second, but in that instant, I thought I saw desire, a monster of desire, but on a very tight leash, and you yanked that leash back so fast - I really couldn't be sure. Because it was so quick, but also - it might have been wishful thinking. Because right around that time, I started having the fantasy again. Not the sex fantasy, that never left, but the other fantasy, the one where you would suddenly see me as a woman -