Becoming a dad was the greatest moment of my life. My wife and I married young, and Samantha (Sam) was our only child. We embraced the adventure of parenthood fully, and I think we did a great job in raising a happy, healthy young woman.
There were a lot of challenges along the way – not least of which when Sam was 11, and my wife passed away following a short illness. Her death was so sudden, and both Sam and I were devastated. But we drew strength from one another and between us we made it through.
I was only in my mid-thirties and suddenly a single father to an adolescent girl, going through all the trials and tribulations of puberty. I had to learn a lot along the way, to lose some of my natural inhibitions towards discussing openly with my daughter the changes she was experiencing both physically and emotionally; to talk about breasts and periods and sex and sexuality, despite how uncomfortable it made me at first to even consider those things in relation to my own child. I came to understand and know her more intimately than any father in a two-parent family, and ultimately I know she appreciated this and became comfortable with the idea that I was "mum" as well as dad; that she could be open with me about her emotions, her fears, her joys, and her curiosities. One by one, barriers between us were eroded.
Parenting Sam took up so much of my time that dating was never a priority. I had as much of a social life as I was able to, and did meet women. I had a few relationships and a few more casual things, but Sam never gained a step-mum; it was always just me and her. Privately I resigned myself to the fact that I would probably not be that active on the dating scene until Sam was old enough to leave home and go to university.
That would have been when she was 18. Sam at 18 was much as she had been for the past few years; quiet, studious, intelligent and caring. She wasn't wild or a party girl – she'd done well in school and had ambitions to become a nurse. She had a loyal circle of friends but she often chose to stay in rather than go out on the town – reading, watching films or television shows (she was a big fan of a lot of the popular US cable shows which made it over here, and we used to sit together and watch Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and others of that type), and especially surfing the internet. She'd always been big on online friendships – I had made sure that she knew how to be careful in that regard but I didn't feel I had much to worry about, she was always sensible and never seemed interested in meeting her internet friends face-to-face – she was happy to just converse through the computer, with people in the US, Australia and Europe.
When she got her A-level results, they were excellent – I'd never been so proud. She had won her place at university but decided to defer for a year – not, like many young people, so she could go travelling, but so she could build up her experience working with others by doing voluntary work and even taking a small part time job at a care home. She was serious about nursing as a career and knew that she would do better and cope better with this demanding occupation if she had a good foundation of experience to build on.
So, while all her friends trouped off to university, Sam stayed at home, living with me as she had always done. But with school behind her, the Sam I found myself living with was more adult than previously – mature and confident, helping out around the house and behaving a little more independently.
She was still daddy's girl though, sweet and loving, and very devoted to doing right by her dad. She always told me where she was going and asked permission for everything.
There were some changes to her behaviour, though, although at the time I didn't think anything in particular of them. In hindsight I should have put them all together but I don't think I could ever have guessed what was actually going on!
I noticed she was keeping her bedroom door shut a lot more. Sam had previously been 50/50 with her door – she only closed it when she wanted privacy, the rest of the time she was happy to sit at her desk or on her bed with the door wide open, even when chatting to her online friends. But now I noticed more often than not, the door was closed – and when on rare occasions I asked to come in, there would always be a short pause before I was allowed to enter.
I noticed too that whenever I came home from work or some other trip out, Sam was often not downstairs. In the past, I had become used to coming home and finding her watching TV in the living room, but much more often now, she would descend the stairs to greet me as I came home instead. Even if the TV was on, she would always seem to have just come from her bedroom when I got home.
The final clue I should have observed came when I realised she had stopped wearing a nightdress or pyjamas to bed. I brought her a cup of tea in bed one Sunday morning only to discover her shoulders were bare. She held the bedcovers to her chest so as to not embarrass me by revealing more of herself, but I definitely became aware that she was not wearing much, if anything, beneath them. She seemed a little embarrassed but I didn't question her about it – it was certainly a little surprising, but I reasoned she was an adult now, and if she had chosen to sleep in her bare skin rather than pyjamas in the privacy of her own bed, I had no reason to object. Plus, it would cut down a little on our laundry loads! So, I simply put it from my mind, as with the other changes in her behaviour. After all, there was nothing that gave me cause for worry – Sam remained as lovely and happy and well-adjusted as ever, so I never felt like there was anything harmful going on with her.
However, if I had thought about it more, I perhaps wouldn't have got such a shock a few weeks later when she explained everything.
This was maybe 3 months away from Sam's 19th birthday. We'd had a usual evening, a nice meal and a catch up on some television, before I had gone up to my study to catch up on some work.
I'd been working maybe half an hour when Sam came in to talk to me. I had my door open and was focussed on my work when she appeared, so I didn't look up at first. But when I heard her say "daddy, I want to talk to you about something", nervousness in her voice, I answered "of course, sweetheart" and looked over.
I was in for quite a surprising sight!
Sam was stood in the doorway to my study, completely naked.
Now, I'd seen my daughter without her clothes on before – what parent hasn't? But I hadn't seen her in the altogether for many, many years – not since the time when her mother was still alive. Since then, and the advent of her adolescence, I had seen Sam occasionally in her underwear, and more often than that in a one-piece or two-piece swimsuit – all perfectly normal and above-board.
But now? Now Sam was standing in front of me with absolutely nothing on, making no move to cover herself with her hands or arms, which remained at her sides.
To see my daughter's body was that of a beautiful young woman was a lot to deal with. Sam's long blonde hair was loose and swept behind her, reaching the middle of her back. Her figure was slim but shapely, her breasts full and firm. They were crowned with large nipples – darker pink and standing to attention. Her belly was soft with a slight swell, and the stud she wears in her navel glinted gold and sparkling in the light. Between her legs, her pubic hair – darker and much more brown than the hair on her head – had been trimmed to a narrow strip, no more than a centimetre wide. She sported tan-lines – white skin over her breasts and at her waist and crotch, in the shape of an invisible bikini, surrounded by slightly darker tone.
Her face was flushed, seemingly embarrassed, but she stood trying to hide any awkwardness or discomfort, as if it were the most normal thing in the world for her to stand naked in front of her father, wanting a chat.
In case I haven't been clear enough already, it definitely wasn't normal for our house!
"Sam!" I exclaimed. "You're naked! What on earth?!"
"Sorry dad," she replied, a little hesitantly. "I wasn't sure the best way to do this..."
"What do you mean?" I said. "What's going on? Are you going to put some clothes on?"
She was quiet for a moment. "No," she said after a pause. "I'm not. You see, I... I want to be a nudist."
"A what?"
"A nudist. It's someone who believes that the naked state is natural and chooses not to wear clothes whenever possible."