My Daughter Claire

I distracted myself the rest of that night and into the evening. Ate. Stared at the TV. Ate some more. Drank... I was working through a bottle of scotch to avoid having to think about what had happened. I didn't see Claire all evening. I guessed she must have been avoiding me. She had some food delivered... I heard her pick it up, but all the times I came out of my room I couldn't hear anything but her shower running

I slept like shit. It felt like when Sarah was first diagnosed, and I had so much fizzing about in my head and no one to speak to about it. I thought about reaching out to my therapist but... Well, I didn't fancy trying to explain that the reason my brain was fried was because my daughter sucked my cock and I liked it. So instead, I lay in bed for hours trying to shut down my thoughts. Eventually the futility of it dawned on me. I was in the room where it had happened, which made it difficult to get away from.

In lieu of actually speaking to my therapist I thought I'd try a technique he taught me. I grabbed a pen and on the back of some unimportant piece of mail began just writing what I was feeling.

• Guilty

• Sad

• Ashamed

• Perverted

The key part of it was being honest with yourself. Identifying those negative words were easy, but I knew there were other feelings mixed up with them.

I felt... used? Used... Did I feel like Claire had taken advantage of me? Not really. I'm her dad, if I wanted to stop her, I would have and could have, putting aside the should have. But I kept coming back to the word used. How did I feel used...I felt...oh...I felt like I was spent...because I had cum. That's where I was getting the word used from.

I had cum. That led me to another uncomfortable feeling I was resistant to putting a name to. I felt... Like I had enjoyed it. I'd felt like I should have stopped but I didn't do that. Why didn't I do that... because I enjoyed that. I thought back to the last 12 hours I'd spent avoiding the topic and realized how obvious it was that that shock horror I'd enjoyed having my dick sucked.

So, I'd enjoyed the blowjob. So, what!... So what was that my daughter had given me that blowjob. That tied in those negative words. I looked back at the word perverted and back at the join the dots reasoning I had scrawled on the paper. In hindsight It was obvious I enjoyed it given I'd used that word. Perverts aren't known for doing things they hate

On another piece of paper, I wrote Claires name. What did I feel about her? I started off easy. I loved her. She was my daughter, I was proud of her, she was a great support to me. She was beautiful...Then I hit something uncomfortable. She was sexy. I thought she was sexy. My dick began to feel very much less used as I explored that thought. I closed my eyes and saw her masturbating, with my dick in her mouth and my cum on her face. Definitely a sexy image.

I got lost In that thought and finally drifted off to sleep, managing keep myself from getting carried away while touching myself. I awoke at 5.30 am to the sound of movement outside my room and threw on some sweats to investigate. I saw Claire's large suitcase by the door alongside some hastily packed boxes. I didn't see Claire until she entered from the garage obviously in the middle of packing her car dressed in jeans and a sports bra.

"Dad!" she said surprised "...sorry did I wake you?"

"No...Yeah...it's fine... What's all this?"

"Nothing" she instantly denied before realizing that it was of course something... "I was hoping to sneak out before you got up and stay with a friend for a while."

"Why?" I asked pretty much knowing the answer. She shifted uncomfortably in response.

She looked down at her feet and mumbled "I think you know" before walking over to the kitchen counter where she grabbed an envelope that had been propped up on the coffee maker. She handed it to me...It was marked Dad. Inside was a short note.

After what happened yesterday, I feel I can no longer live with you. I feel so dirty, like I can't get clean. It is my own fault and I hope you know you did nothing wrong. I'm sorry for ruining our father daughter relationship. Maybe one day you will forgive me, and I will forgive myself...but in the meantime its best if I go.

Your loving daughter- Claire.

I read the note and looked up at her, tears welling up in her eyes. "Claire..."

She lost the battle with the tears "I FUCKED UP DAD. I FUCKED UP SO MUCH."

I pulled her into me and let her sob on my shoulder for a while "It's okay...Honestly, it's okay."

"How is it okay?" She howled "we were so close and now... we can't go back"

"Hey Hey" I held her head still and looked into her eyes, my fatherly instincts running hot at the sight of my daughters tears "We can't change what happened. but we get to frame it and control what happens next. We are in control."

My first attempt to get her to make peace with the events of last night failed as she used her strength to push me back "What we did was wrong...What I did was wrong. How am I supposed to spend the rest of my life with you with that knowledge?"

"Why was it wrong?" I was only half convinced it wasn't wrong myself but challenged her, stopping her self-hatred spiral. "Why was it wrong?" I repeated. She stared stunned and confused for a moment groping for an answer. "Because you are my daughter?" she nodded slightly "I was up last night thinking about this too. About how it was wrong and then I realized that it was okay. Did we hurt anyone? Did one of us force the other?" I saw her try and argue yes and cut her off "I was fucking touching myself after seeing you, you may have initiated but although I thought I should resist I didn't. It felt good...I caught myself guiding your head deeper onto me, someone being forced doesn't do that".

Momentarily her eyes glazed over, and I could tell she was remembering my dick in her throat before she gagged on the memory "But...we shouldn't have..."

"Says who? It's a taboo sure but in the moment we both wanted it. We have to be okay with it. Admit we enjoyed it. Otherwise we are just torturing ourselves."

"I can't" she walked away and flopped on the couch. "If I admit that I will still be torturing myself because all I'll be able to think about is what I don't have." She paused while staring at me. "Even in this conversation. I'm supposed to be leaving. Apologizing. But...." she looked away.

"But" I prompted

"But I'm still thinking about you"

"What are you thinking about me?"

"Dad..."

"Be honest Claire. What are you thinking?"

"That I want you!" She said as if she was going to go off on a tantrum against herself "I'm fucking sat here and I can't stop thinking about you. I'm crying against seeing your chest and then I smell your smell and want to kiss and bite it. I try and look away and I just see... I see under your sweatpants that you weren't lying about wanting last night. Then all I can think about is this guilt disappearing because..." She trailed off and bit down on her lip hard trying to use the pain to distract from the desire to have my dick take away her doubt.

I walked closer. I knew what I was about to do. I was about to test my argument. A voice in my head told me it was stupid and that I could stop but the louder voice of my desire drowned it out. I pulled down my sweatpants bouncing to attention for Claire. Her eyes didn't waiver from the sight as she tried to slow her breathing. Her lips parted slightly... I have no idea if it was to protest or accept me as before she had a chance to say anything I wrapped my hand around the back of her head. My hand was firm and gripped her hair, but I didn't need to guide her. She fervidly took me into her mouth.

Her initial movements were deliberative. As if she was still trying to decide if this was what she wanted. A deep suck pulled back until only my tip was in her mouth. Then slowly bringing me in again as her tongue swirled around me. She eyes were closed in concentration as she repeated this action before taking me deep. Deeper. A momentary pause as she took some deep breaths in before pressing deeper.

I saw her eyes open and lock onto mine as she took me as deep as she good. I felt her throat convulse around me and heard the gulps as she made herself gag with my cock. I let my fingers slip through her hair and down to try to signal I wasn't the one causing her to gag but to my surprise she kept me as deep as she could. Her tolerance for deepthroat took me aback... It was as if she was testing herself. Trying to make having my dick in her mouth as unpleasant as possible... and failing.

Eventually she lent back into the couch gasping, leaving a trail of drool extending to my cock. She grabbed my hands and pulled me onto the couch next to her before standing up and unbuttoning her pants. She pulled them down with her underwear and stepped out of them to straddle my lap, my cock hard pressed against her stomach. I felt her hands running over my chest and into my hair. There she grabbed my face leaned in and kissed me. A small peck at first, but then a deeper more desperate kiss. I could taste salty traces of my precum on her tongue as it explored mine.

She broke off and sat upright. "Why!" she through her head back "Why does everything feel so... Good and real... I smell your clothes; it turns me on...suck your cock last night and it turns me feral... You cum on my face and then I cum so effortlessly and hard... I gag myself on you and it actually feels good." She leant back in and grabbed my hands "I had a boy in college who was really into throat fucking...like creepily into it. I let him try twice and felt immediate ick from the gagging."

She let go with her right hand and started softly poking my chest to emphasize her point. "And then, And then I kiss you expecting the ick to come and instead I want you even more... This is the last chance that any of this is going to make me feel gross and I have no faith it will, because my whole body is screaming for me to do it"

She adjusted her position and I slid inside of her. As much as I knew it was coming, her warmth and tightness still hit me unawares. As with the night before's blowjob, it had been several years for me, and I felt and orgasm building pretty instantly. Idiotically, my worry wasn't about the implications of cumming inside my daughter, I was more worried about how embarrassing it would be to helplessly spurt inside her.

A let out a moan and gritted my teeth, allowing myself to tolerate the pleasure without jumping straight to orgasm. I also needed to drag my brain away from thoughts of my own climax, so shifted attention to Claire. For her part she let out a soft grunt in between heavy breaths in response to my moan.

She ground her hips into me slowly and I watched her mouth gape open in response. That slow grind soon sped up and I felt her chase the feeling unable to control herself. Instinctively I grabbed her hips and took control of the pace. It felt too good to be over so quickly, and a part of me worried that once the fog of sex cleared Claire would be back to feeling guilty if it was over too soon.

Claire relished me taking of control, closing her eyes and biting her lip as I guided her back and forth on my lap. She pulled off her sports bra and grabbed her breasts, bringing herself closer to orgasm. Still trying to hold on I tried unsuccessfully to force myself to look away as she pinched her nipples and let boobs bounce, putting strain on the nipples.

"Ohhh ohh shiiit" she moaned collapsing forward into me bringing our lips together. Her position meant I could begin thrusting up into her. Our teeth collided as we breathlessly kissed, her moans intensifying in my mouth. I felt her hips quiver under my hands as she loudly gasped and rode the wave of pleasure from cumming.

Knowing I'd made her cum and the feeling of her pussy convulsing around me began to set of my own orgasm. I held it in as I rolled her onto the couch to face me, before pulling out and exploding across her body and chest. My knees weak from the pleasure I fell back into the chair.

Once she'd regained her breath Claire was the first to speak "Dad?" I nodded in response still drunk on the orgasm. "...No one has ever made me cum through penetration before... I didn't think I could." She paused thinking on the implications of that "How can it be wrong if you are the man that can do that?"