He said I was frigid.
My fiance had called me an "Ice Princess", his hard blue eyes flashing beneath the dome light...then started the car and drove away. What could I do...what could I say? I'd wanted to please him...wanted to make our first time...my first time... special.
I thought I'd done what he wanted me to do, out there in the desert, alone in the dark confines of his car. I'd let him kiss me...explore my breasts with his lips...slide his hands beneath my dress. But it hadn't been enough.
I'd even moaned, wet and quivering...genuinely eager, as he tore my panties from my body, pressing the limp softness of his sex between my virginal folds. But instead of slipping into my warm, untried depths he'd gotten angry...abusive. He'd wrapped his hands around my throat and said that he "couldn't", and that it was my fault.
So Chuck had driven me home...and there I stood, alone in front of my sorority house, the engagement ring I'd so cherished gone from my finger, and the man I'd waited for all of my life now fading into the distance. I shivered, my red hair swaying against the brief expanse of my diminutive form. This wasn't how it was supposed to be...not how I'd wanted it to be.
I knew then, that as a woman I was totally worthless. If Chuck could turn his back on me, then no man on earth would ever...could ever want me. My shy fantasies of passionate nights and warm awakenings would remain unrequited, lost to my own inadequacies.
My mind slipped quietly toward thoughts of Will, my brother...only a few years older, and the many warm and willing females that had known his intimate embrace. Tall and strong, Will was an attractive man, made handsome by the inner glow that filled his eyes and brought laughter to the lips of those around him. It was no wonder he was popular...something I could never be. It was only Will who knew me...just Will...and oh how I needed his gentle, understanding words wrapped around my heart at this moment.
I don't know how long I stood staring into the darkness of the dimly lit street, hoping to see Chuck's Corvette make it's way once more down "Sorority Row"...the opportunity for a second chance prominent in his eyes...on his lips...between his legs. But it wasn't to be. It never happened. Just like our failed attempt at intimacy... it was over...
Once inside my room I fell apart, my voice lost in hoarse, uncontrollable sobs, my body wracked with the aftermath of shame and frustration. Frantic, I tore the dress, once my favorite, from my body and threw it into the trashcan beside my desk. Then hurrying into the bathroom I turned on the shower as hot as I could stand it, scrubbing desperately away at the memory of his touch...his scent.
Then, finally I returned to my bedroom and stood before the mirror...attempting to reconcile myself to my new and disastrous devaluation. I couldn't believe my eyes! The silhouette of my slim, full-breasted body taunted me. Outside of a few bruises around my throat, there was no sign of my shame. Only the dead, dull remnants of my once innocent and sparkling green eyes told the story of what had happened.
I sank onto the bed, my body shivering, my eyes filling with tears. There was only one person I could talk to about this...only one person who could understand...and that was Will.
Tentatively, I reached for the phone, knowing that Will would drop everything and rush to my side the minute he heard...but was that what I really wanted? He had a life of his own...a cabin nearby in the Santa Catalina Mountains ...a good job as a software designer. I was no longer his "Little Sister"...we were grown now. I had to learn to stand on my own two feet.
Dimly, I hugged the phone to my chest, desperately wanting to hear his voice, but not wanting to foist my problems on the hard-won order of his life. I needed him so much at that moment...but I couldn't...
The phone rang, making me jump, startling me out of my dark reluctance.
"Hello?" I answered, waiting for a response.
"Hi Caro! How was the 'kegger"? I just wanted to call and make sure you got back to the dorm okay."
It was Will! Somehow, some way through the dark convolutions of the night he'd known I wanted him, sensed that I needed him with me at this moment. In a rush I heard myself retelling the events of the evening...of the car...Chuck's vituperate accusations...my broken engagement.
I'd expected Will to be upset, to give me a long montage of advice that would help me to win back my fiancé, but instead he was deathly silent, almost as though our connection had been severed by some unknown hand.
Then..."I'm coming over..." he said, his voice low and menacing. "That son-of a bitch! When I get through with that prissy little asshole..." And the line went dead.
I was shocked! "Prissy little asshole?" Chuck? Was that what Will had thought of him all this time? And why was he angry with Chuck...it was my fault. I'm the one who wasn't woman enough to..."
Once more tears rimmed my eyes as I thought back on the evening past. I should have known what to say...what to do! Oh, why was I so stupid? Then I thought of Chuck. All he'd wanted was a real woman with whom to share a passionate encounter...and I'd let him down. My first time, and my last. I was forever doomed to a life of fruitless fantasy...a worthless virgin that no man would ever touch.
Tear-streaked, I stood naked once more in front of my mirror and assessed the inadequacies of my body. My breasts, disproportionately full, rose above my slim and delicate frame, out of sync with my petite height. How could a family who had spawned a son of such luxury length, 6"1", have also begotten a daughter of a mere 5'4"?
My hair, bright red as a child, had settled into the warm hues of autumn, and now lay curled and auburn down the length of my back. I'd thought it attractive at one time...my best feature...but now it seemed hideous to behold...all of it did.
Quickly I grabbed my robe from the back of the bathroom door and covered my nudity in peach satin. I had just looped the belt around my waist when I heard Will at the door. I stiffened...bolstering my courage. I couldn't let my brother know how upset I'd been...I wouldn't. I needed to be strong, to show him how well his "Little Sister" was handling this "minor" crisis.
I pasted a smile of false bravado on my lips and swung wide the door...then stopped. One look at my tear-streaked face, the bruises on my throat, and Will's eyes took on a murderous visage. It was the same look he'd had when Jimmy Chambers had dared to peek beneath my skirt when we were kids...only amplified a hundred times.
"That bastard is dead," he growled, his skin flushing in anger. "I want his address...now!"
Shaking, I walked to the bed and sat down, trying to hold myself in check. I'd never seen Will so angry before. I couldn't give him Chuck's address when he was in this state of mind. He really MIGHT kill him...and then spend the rest of his life in jail. I couldn't have that on my conscience too...not hurting my beloved brother as well.
Still angry, Will crossed the floor and sat next to me on the satin coverlet, his voice dark and demanding. "Caro...I want to know where he lives! I'm not going to let him get away with this...not to you!"
And that was when the dam broke, hot tears running in torrents down my face...my shame filling the space between us. "It wasn't him," I sobbed, pressing my face against his chest. "It was me! I wasn't any good...I didn't know how to..."
Wet and quivering, I buried my woes against the firm muscles of his body... his hand stroking my back, his soothing touch my salvation on a stormy sea. "I-I feel so stupid, Will! I know all about biology. Why didn't I know what to do? It could have been so wonderful, if only..."
"Caro! It wasn't your fault! Is that what you think?" he murmured into my hair, drawing me beneath his chin. "The problem was Chuck...not you. The guy's a moron! I never did like him, but you were so set on..."
"But you weren't there, Will! He wanted...he wanted...to...but I couldn't even get him...aroused." I'm not a woman, Will...I'm nothing!"
"Oh..." he groaned as I pressed myself against him once more, my robe parting to the thigh, my cleavage gaping before him. Suddenly he grasped my wrists and began to push me away, his eyes dark and intense. "You're a woman all right...a beautiful woman," he said rising and turning his back to me. "Chuck is the problem...believe me...I know." he finished weakly.
Desperate to lighten the situation, I reached for his hand and turned him once more towards me saying "And how do you know? Peeking again?" I joked weakly, referring to a time many years ago when my prepubescent brother had sneaked a glance at my naked form in the bathtub.
It was then I noticed the enormous distortion in the line of his jeans...a bulge, large and prominent, pressing against his zipper, threatening to tear the fabric to shreds at any moment.
Will flushed a bright red, then turned towards the door. "I'd better go," he croaked hoarsely. "This isn't right..."
"I've done it again...haven't I?" I whimpered, a fresh rush of tears fouling my cheeks. "This time I've hurt you too! I hate myself! I do!"
Again Will crossed the room to where I now lay prone, face down across the satin covering. He wouldn't leave... couldn't... not when I felt so utterly desperate for the touch of his hand.
"Caro..." he whispered, his palm stroking my back once more. "Don't. None of this is your fault. Chuck was a jerk...and so am I. You haven't done a thing wrong... nothing. This...my..." he stuttered, indicating his burgeoning manhood. "It's just that you're so...so... Caro...you're a beautiful woman...sensuous...desirable. If you weren't my sister..."
I looked up into his eyes then, searching his face for the truth...and found it. Will wanted me. He wanted me with the same long yearning that had consumed me so many times in the past when we spoke...touched. But he was my brother...my own flesh and blood. How could we...?"
And then I knew...
Rolling onto my back, I swallowed hard, my hand lowering to caress his trembling hardness. "Will," I whispered, my voice sure and steady at last. "Teach me...make me a woman. Please..."
Will paused...his eyes troubled...his hands quivering above the satin tie of my robe, fighting the urge that pounded in his mind. "Are you sure, Caro...are you...?" he asked, as though either of us had a choice any longer.
