My Boy

The guilt and self-loathing came immediately after I awoke.

I was in Daniel's bed, his arms were wrapped around me. It felt nice and terrible at the same time. How could I do this? Even if Jesse didn't care, even if this didn't bother him- it bothered me. I love Jesse. How could I sleep with someone else?

I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach.

"Good morning." Daniel grumbled, sitting up. I looked at him. He gave me a warm smile, and ran his fingers gently through my hair. He was so nice... it was kind of surprising. Isn't this the part where he kicks me out?

"Morning." I said, sitting up next to him.

He leaned over and kissed me. It caught me off guard and the only thing I could think to do was kiss him back. It felt really good, actually.

Fuck this is so confusing. Maybe I should just...do it again. I mean, I've already slept with him once. Was there really any harm in doing it again?

But I was drunk last time I did it. Now I was just hungover. And besides, I needed to try to patch things up with Jesse. Or at least talk to him. I wonder if I'll be able to see him again.

Wait. Jesse. Today. Something about seeing Jesse today. There was something.

Shit! The game!

"I have to go." I said, breaking away from Daniel. He frowned.

"Really? So soon?" He asked. I turned and looked at the clock on his bedside table. It was already 9! I had to be there in an hour!

"Yeah, my brother's doing this family thing. I have to be there. At this rate I'll already be late." I said with a sigh. Daniel chuckled softly beside me.

"Crap. I have to be somewhere too," He groaned, "I was planning on skipping it though. Alright. Get dressed, I'll get you some coffee."

Daniel climbed off the bed and pulled his boxers on before heading out of the room. He was really attractive. Not as attractive as Jesse, but still.

I felt dirty as I was pulling my clothes on. I needed to shower, definitely. But it was more than that. I'd just had a one night stand. I hadn't had one of those since like my first year of university. I'd never had one with a man before. It didn't bother me so much before, but after Jesse, after knowing what sex felt like with someone that I was in love with, everything else felt wrong.

Is this my future? After Jesse gets married we won't be able to see each other anymore. What if I don't love anyone else? At this point I couldn't imagine it, being in love with someone else. Is this all I get for the rest of my life? Drunken sex and casual fuck buddies? God, now I really feel like I need to throw up.

Daniel came back into the room with a cup of coffee.

"As I was making it I realized that you probably didn't have time for a coffee." He said with a smirk, taking a sip from his cup.

"Yeah, I really, really don't." I said. I felt bad, leaving like this when I knew he wanted me to stay. It felt terrible when Jesse did it to me, though I didn't get the impression that Daniel was super choked up about it or anything.

"Well, take this at the very least." He said, handing me a paper. It had his number on it.

"I know you're only in town for a few more days, but if you need to blow off anymore steam before the wedding, give me a call."

I put the paper in my pocket and nodded.

"I'll show you to the door." Daniel said, motioning for me to follow him. He had a nice apartment. I didn't really get a chance to look at it the night before. He had some pictures hanging up on his walls. One struck me.

He was standing next to a woman. He had his arm wrapped around her shoulders, and they were both smiling at the camera. She had flaming red hair and bright blue eyes.

Oh. My. God.

"I guess I might see you around." Daniel said, smiling at me. I walked into the hallway of the apartment building.

"Yeah, see ya." I breathed, turning on my heel and walking briskly away.

Claire and Daniel. Daniel and Claire.

What was it with her and gay guys?

Was she cheating on Jesse? Was she cheating on Daniel? No one would save a picture of someone they dated two years ago and she'd been dating Jesse for two years.

God, this is perfect! All I have to do is prove to Jesse that she's cheating on him. He'll call the wedding off and that'll buy us some time. It'll give me time to show him how much I love him, need him.

Wait. What the fuck am I doing?

I shouldn't be happy about this. If I really loved Jesse I would be mad. I should be mad. Fucking Christ.

I climbed into my truck and headed back towards my hotel. At this rate, I'd be late to the game, but I could talk to Jesse after. I could tell him that she's cheating on him. I could break them up. And when he's distraught over the breakup, who'll be there to comfort him? Me.

Fuck.

I'm a terrible person.

Maybe I just shouldn't mention it at all.

I entered my hotel room and sunk down on the bed. I shouldn't have gone out drinking. Then the only thing I'd have to deal with is losing Jesse. Not all this cheating, hating myself for having a one night stand bullshit.

Jesse's jersey was tucked underneath one of my pillows. I'd hid it there when he'd come over a few nights ago. I didn't need it though. The bed smelled like him.

I should go shower. Then I should go to the game, play like nothing's wrong, come back and then deal with this. I shouldn't tell him. Would he even believe me anyway? And even if he did, what good would it do, really?

He doesn't love me. He never loved me.

He betrayed me. He used me. I should hate him. But I can't bring myself to feel anything but sadness over the whole ordeal.

Where do I go from here?

I'd never loved someone as much as I loved Jesse. And when you combine both the love I have for him as a brother, and the love I have for him as my partner... how am I ever going to feel that way about someone else? How can I love someone that much again?

I didn't want to have to see him today. But I really, really wanted to see him. I wanted to run away, and I wanted to run to him.

How would Jesse and I work now? I was afraid of the answer, but I needed it.

I slowly climbed off the bed and headed into the shower.

I shouldn't be allowed to drink. I make bad decisions.

***

I pulled up to the ball park fifteen minutes late. My hair was still slightly damp from the shower, but it was sunny outside. Damp hair was really the least of my worries anyway.

There were roughly ten people standing in the center of the diamond. They seemed to be choosing teams. I picked out Claire easily, she was the only one with flaming red hair. Apart from that there was my father, my mother and her boyfriend Jason. There were some girls that looked about Jesse's age, and one or two young guys. They must be mutual friends or something. Jesse wasn't there.

I walked anxiously towards the group. If worst came to worst I could always fake an injury or something though.

"Glad you could join us Michael." My father said, glaring at me. I blushed and muttered an apology. Thankfully the rest of the group wasn't really interested in me or my tardiness.

"Where's Jesse?" I asked my mother casually. I was trying to seem nonchalant, but inside I was slightly terrified. I didn't really know any of these people. I was really nervous to see Jesse- especially in front of my father.

"Oh, he's just getting some equipment from the car." Claire answered me, with a grin. She winked at me and I felt myself blush, again.

I glanced around the group as I waited. Everyone had a bandana wrapped around their wrist, in either blue or red. That must be how they were dividing the teams. Claire had a blue bandana, as did Jason. One of the guys that I didn't know was also in blue, and two of the girls. My father didn't have one on, he must be just watching or something.

"Hey, look who I found!" I recognized Jesse's voice immediately and eagerly turned in the direction of it. He looked so good. He was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. His green eyes stared into me for a brief second, then he quickly looked away.

My breath caught when I saw who he was with.

Daniel.

He winked at me before turning his attention to the rest of the group. I felt like I was going to be sick- again.

And then my brain suddenly pieced everything together. The picture of Daniel and Claire. They weren't lovers, they were friends. Or something like that. Brother and sister, perhaps. God, I'm so stupid. I should've seen it. They look enough alike.

"Jesse, choose someone else for your team. Mike or Dan." One of the guys said. He seemed to be eager to get the game started.

Jesse looked at Daniel and then to me. Then he grinned.

"I'm taking Daniel." He said, patting him on the back.

I felt my anger flare up. Then I felt embarrassed and unwanted. The game got started quickly.

I was lucky enough to be on mom and Jason's team, so at least I knew a couple people on my team. I could feel Dan's eyes on my throughout the entire game, but I did my best to avoid looking at him. I'd probably have to deal with that later, but I would save that for a different day.

Jesse's team was a lot better than mine. And I wasn't really on the ball, so I was fairly useless. Jason was probably the strongest player on our team, and I actually gained a little respect for him, watching him play. He was very good.

Jesse and Daniel had great chemistry throughout the game. They were powerful together, and it made me uneasy. Was there something going on between the two of them? The fact the Jesse chose Dan for his team made me especially anxious- I was a much better player than him. So Jess must've chosen him because he liked him more.

There couldn't be something going on between Daniel and Jesse... could there?

The game finished, and we lost by four runs. I didn't really care, but I could feel my father's eyes burning into me as I helped pack up the equipment. He was disappointed in me. Fuck, it didn't even matter. I had other shit to deal with.

Everyone was going out for lunch after the game. I was supposed to go, but I made up a lame excuse to avoid it, said I wasn't feeling well. It was true, anyway.

I wanted to talk to Jesse. If he was fucking Daniel, I had a right to know. I think. Did I?

Jesse was parked in the lot right beside the field. How was I supposed to get him alone? There was no way I could let our father see us talking privately, he'd know something was up. And if someone interrupted or overheard... it would be ugly.

Everyone was gathered around their cars, laughing, chattering about how excited they were to go to lunch. There was no way I could talk to him like that, with all those people around him.

I pulled out my phone and sent him a text.

Jess, need to talk. Now. Alone.

I headed back to my truck. It was parked down the street, so it was away from the crowd, luckily. I didn't expect to get a text back from Jesse, I assumed he'd ignore me, like he had for the rest of the day.

I threw my gear into the back of the truck. When I walked back around to the other side, I was surprised to see Jesse leaning against the door. I glanced towards the parking lot, but all the cars, except Jesse's were gone.

"Jesse, I need to-" Before I could get the rest of my sentence out, he had pushed me against the side of the truck, and his lips were on mine.

I groaned into the kiss, and my hands immediately moved to his face. We devoured each other. I think we both felt a sense of urgency, and longing. After everything he had said yesterday, I couldn't believe he was kissing me, but I welcomed it.

"Is this what you need, Mike?" He asked between kisses. Every fiber of my being was shouting a resounding yes. I needed this. Even though it was hurried, it was right. It felt like coming home.

"Answer me, Mike." Jesse said, trailing his lips across my cheek.

"Yes." I gave in. We could talk later.

"Get in the truck." Jesse opened the door, and I climbed in the driver's side. He briskly walked around to the other side and jumped inside, slamming the door behind him. I pulled his face to mine again.

"You should move down here, Michael." Jesse breathed, as I kissed down his neck. His hands were playing with my dark hair. He seemed to have a lot more restraint than I did, my hands were already searching for the zipper on his shorts.

He moaned quietly when I found the lump in his shorts. I massaged him, and his hands gripped my hair.

"Suck my cock." He breathed. He unzipped, and pulled his dick out. I was in no mood to refuse. I felt such an urgency to do what he asked. I was willing to do anything, just to be with him, to be intimate with him again. I wanted so desperately to believe that what he had said yesterday was a lie.

I spat on my hand, and then began stroking his cock. Jesse's tongue explored my mouth while I pumped him.

I pulled away from him, so I could lean over and take his dick in my mouth. The position wasn't super comfortable, but I didn't mind. Jesse's hands were running gently through my hair, his warm prick was in my mouth. There wasn't much more I could ask for right now.

I bobbed down quickly on his dick. I knew that this had to be fast, he'd be expected at lunch soon. I tried my best to keep it clean, I didn't want spit getting onto his shorts. Jesse didn't force me at all, just let me go at my own pace, while he relaxed in the chair and let out the occasional moan.

"Mm, Mike. I need this every single fucking day." He said softly, gripping my hair. I moaned in agreement, and forced my head down his entire length. I gagged and came up quickly, gasping for air, before pushing my head back down onto him. I loved this, being close to Jesse like this.

It was starting to feel normal again. It was starting to feel the same as it had felt two years ago in our kitchen. It felt like Jesse cared about me. He was being so gentle and wasn't rushing me, or forcing me, he was just appreciating me, appreciating my lips around his cock.

"You're such a good big brother." Jesse whimpered. At that point, I felt my dick press hard against my shorts. I hoped Jesse would have enough time to return the favour, or I was going to be seriously uncomfortable on the ride back to the hotel.

My hand worked his shaft, while my tongue flicked around the tip. I probed his slit slightly, my lips were locked around his head. I teased him for a few long seconds, before bobbing back down on him. I moved my hand away from his cock, determined to take the entire thing down my throat once more.

His prick was buried in my throat, my eyes were teary, but when my nose hit the rough fabric of his shorts and I felt elated. Jesse's hands held me there for a few moments, before he released me with a quiet moan.

I began pumping him with my hand again, so I could kiss him. My tongue ravaged his mouth, and he sucked it greedily. His hands gripped my shirt, and I could tell he was getting close.

"Mike, I'm so close." He whimpered, pulling away from my lips. I smirked, leaning over once more. I'd let him finish inside my mouth. It didn't take long. After bobbing up and down his length a few more times, Jesse let out stifled groan, and pumped recklessly into my mouth. I could taste his hot jizz coat my tongue, but I sealed my lips around his dick, careful not to let any of it drip down onto his clothes.

When he was finished, I swallowed his load willingly, before coming back up to kiss him again. Jesse was breathing heavily, and he kissed me back softly, before resting his head against my shoulder. He put his dick back into his shorts and zipped them up, but stayed where he was. His nose nuzzled my neck. Even though I desperately wanted him to return the favour and suck me off as well, I didn't want to ruin this moment. He was being so cute, holding me like he was.

"You really should move down here, Mike." He said quietly. I wrapped my arm around his back, and held him closer to me.

"Why would I do that? You should move back home." I said with a quiet chuckle. I kissed the top of his head.

"Mm, I don't think Claire would like that."

I groaned loudly, pulling away from him. I misread his advances completely. I immediately felt my stomach twist into knots.

"Don't be like that, I love her Michael." Jesse said, looking at me sternly.

"If you love her, then why are you are here with me?" I demanded. Jesse looked at me, but it was a second before he spoke.

"I need... a man, Mike. I can't be with just women, I can't." Jesse said. I shook my head. I could feel my eyes filling, but I didn't let the tears fall. I was so stupid.

"So, you want me to come down here so we can do this? We can meet up casually every once in a while and fuck? Is that it, that's all?" I asked. I looked out the front windshield, because I couldn't look at him.

"Mike... it could be great, for both of us. We could meet up whenever you want... on my lunchbreak, or after work, before work. Just get this out of our systems... I need this."

I felt like he was breaking my heart all over again. And this is what it would feel like, every time I was ever intimate with him again, this is what I would feel afterwards. This terrible loniless, pain, sadness, rejection. But I got to be with Jesse...

"I... I can't Jesse." I said quietly. I heard my voice crack. "You can find someone else, Jesse."

"Mike..." Jesse rested his hand on my shoulder, "don't you love me?"

I felt my heart clench. I felt like I was breaking. How could he do this to me?

"Of course. You know I love you." I said, finally looking at him.

"Then do this for me." He responded. He took my cheek in his hand, and stroked it gently.

"It's just sex, Jesse. Can't you find someone else?" I asked. My voice was straining, it was thick with tears.

"I don't want anyone else, I want you."

"Why? Why me, Jess? You don't love me, why does it matter?" I was close to losing it completely. I wanted to give in, but if I did, it would mean that I had completely given up.

"I like being with you, being with my big brother. You're safe. You'd never hurt me, never tell anyone. I can't trust anyone else. And besides, Mike, we'll both be getting what we want." He kissed my cheek, but I didn't move or react.

"I want you to love me, I'll never get what I want from you." I said quietly.

"I can pretend. Aren't I good at pretending, Michael?" His voice was equally soft. His pressed his lips softly against my cheek again, and I could feel myself giving in.

"I... we can't do this."

"Michael, it's this or nothing. We can't go back to being just brothers, you know that. So, help me, and I'll help you. I'm awful good at pretending, you know that." He nuzzled my neck again, and I felt my stomach turn uneasily. I was going to vomit, I was certain of it. Jesse was right though, we could never go back. And if he didn't love me... it is this or nothing.

"Jesse, I love you." I breathed.

"I love you too, Michael." Jesse said.

"No... you, you don't, I know you don't Jesse." But I was desperate, and he was really good at pretending.

"It can be like this, every time, if you want. I can tell you how much I love you, we can make love, whatever you want. Whatever you need Michael." Jesse cooed.

"Say it again, Jesse." I whispered, looking at him. He looked into my eyes.

"I love you Michael."

I was broken. He won.

"I love you Jesse."

He pecked my lips quickly.

"I know, Michael. I'll see you tonight at eleven."

With that, he opened the door and slid out of the seat. I groaned, resting my forehead against the steering wheel. I'm pathetic.

I stayed like that for a while, I'm not sure how long.

My phone buzzed, and my heart jolted. Maybe it was from Jesse.

When I picked up my phone though, I saw the text was from Jason.