My connection with my Mom had always been special. If anything ever happened, for better or worse, we were there for each other. I'd taken that deep, meaningful connection for granted as a child - that's pretty much what kids do, isn't it? -- but I think I got a head start on appreciating both the strength and the uniqueness of our bond.
Even as a teenager, I would have proudly counted my Mother in the ranks of my closest friends. I had plenty that were my own age, but I could not be vulnerable with them the way I could with her. None of my friends could relate to the closeness I shared with Mom, and that made me sad for them. She was such a prominent source of comfort that I could not imagine life without her. Mom was a guiding light throughout my childhood, but as I entered adulthood she began to embody something entirely different.
I had trouble talking to girls my own age when I was growing up, and it took a few years before I understood why. It turned out I simply was not into them. Whether from the extraordinary amount of time I spent with Mom, or a coincidental crossing of wires in my brain, she was the only woman I lusted after. I found other woman attractive, technically, but the strength of that attraction was directly proportional to how much they resembled her.
Mom was gorgeous, enigmatic, friendly, and about a thousand other adjectives that could not do justice to the pillar of beauty that I got to come home to every day. I wished there could be something more between us, and often wondered if she felt the same.
We were much closer than any of my friends were with their moms. Perhaps that was a warning sign of the path that lay ahead of us, or perhaps I was imagining her paternal affection as something more. There was no way to be sure, and I was too cowardly to make a decisive move on my own. I longed for us to be together in a way that no parent and child ever should. I could not take the risk of allowing sex to destroy the amazing relationship we already had.
It was an ordinary Friday night at our house. I'd turned eighteen a few days prior. There'd been a party and presents and whatnot, but life had gone back to normal the very next day.
Dad was working late, as he often did. Meanwhile, my sister was off at a friend's house. That left Mom and me to run our house the only way we knew how: watching movies with the volume turned up loud enough to wake the dead.
When I was a kid, horror had been our bread and butter. There's something special about being spooked by a ghastly vampire, then having the arms of my Mother to jump into for comfort. There's nothing in the world that feels safer. We'd spent many long nights cuddled up on the couch together. Any time Mom had fallen asleep on me, I'd tried to stay awake as long as I could without waking her. Those were moments that I hoped would never end - and to that point, they hadn't.
As I'd gotten older, we'd graduated to movies that were less overtly horrific. Mom was not fond of anything with too much gore, so we'd started to explore more mature movies that would have gone over my head as a kid. The slow burn of a well-paced thriller became our new default, and I looked forward to any evening that would end with Mom in my arms.
Earlier that day, we had made plans over lunch in anticipation of our night alone. I'd suggested that we watch
Sicario
. We enjoyed the process of mulling through the endless selection on various streaming sites, but I would sometimes suggest a film that Mom had never heard of, which typically required a bit more convincing. That day, however, Mom had no reservations about watching a movie she was unfamiliar with.
"It's your
super late
birthday present!" she said. I didn't really know what to make of her sudden exuberance, or her jokey tone. "I think to celebrate, it's only fair that you get to have whatever you want." Then she batted her eyelashes at me, which only confused me more. It was easy to shrug all of that off, though, because I was indeed getting exactly what I wanted. I figured that if Mom was in a good mood - even an unusual
kind
of good mood - then everything was great.
I made us a big bowl of popcorn, with our signature salt and vinegar seasoning, while Mom cracked a couple of Coronas and added freshly cut lime wedges. As far as I was concerned, those were all it took to complete the recipe for a perfect evening. We plopped down onto the couch and dimmed the lights, ready to sit on the edge of our seats for the next two hours.
Mom leaned over to grab a handful of popcorn while the opening credits rolled and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek when she did. "I hope this movie is good. I've don't recognize any of these names."
"We can watch something else?"
"No, no. Remember, honey: late birthday. You can have
whatever
you want." Again, she stared into my eyes with an unrecognizable fixation.
The movie was about an FBI agent who joins a task force to combat drug cartels in Mexico--not the easiest topic to make light of, but somehow we managed. A third of the way through, we were halfway through the popcorn, and I was just starting to feel the mildest of buzzes.
"People will do anything to get by," Mom said, "including stuffing their butts with cocaine." Then she patted one of her enormous, curvy cheeks.
Mom's joke was about smuggling drug across the border in her bottom was in tune with the movie's criminal themes. I would have found it funny, too, if it had not come accompanied by a visual that shook me to my core. The image of Mom liberally packing bags of cocaine into her ass was powerful, and I felt guilty for how long I allowed myself to linger on it.
Mom continued to pontificate on her potential future as a drug mule, casually crunching on kernels all the while. "I bet they pay you based on how much you can take. Like, if I could take a whole pound, I would probably become their leader overnight."
I raised an eyebrow. "I really don't think that 'rectum reservoir capacity' is how the cartel chooses their
leaders
, Mom."
I was impressed with her ambition, but more than a little concerned at how thoroughly I'd mulled over the visual of her stuffing bricks of white powder into her bottom.
"You don't know that!" she countered. "The movie isn't over yet. Maybe
that
is what this whole thing is leading to."
I laid on the sarcasm as heavily as I could. "A climax wherein our main character becomes a cartel queen by doing... what, exactly?"
Mom smirked confidently. "You're just jealous that I would be the leader of every friggin' gang out there!"
A long, ominous pause hung in the air. I knew I should say something. I knew what I
wanted
to say, but I didn't know what I
should
say.
Mom was still watching the movie, but I could just
tell
that she was paying absolutely no attention to it. Her focus was entirely on me.
I cleared my throat. "Uh, what does that
mean
, exactly?"
She scoffed, as if her comment had been completely innocent. "You heard me! I'd be the queen of all those sons of bitches!"
"Yeah but--" The genuine absurdity of what I was thinking of asking my mother pre-emptively hit me like a ton of bricks. I suppose those bricks must have struck me from behind, because it was like they pushed the grossly inappropriate comment right out of me. "Because your asshole is so big, you mean?"
Mom slapped my shoulder. "Honey!"
"I don't know! Isn't that the implication of what you just said?"
Mom thought for a moment. "I mean, yeah, it's
pretty
stretchy, but you don't have to be so blunt about it!"
If I had been sipping my beer at that moment, it would have come spewing out of my nose. I broke into a laughing fit, my face contorted in an ugly disarray of confusion and hilarity as the sheer insanity of our conversation truly hit home. Mom played off my reaction and erupted into a giggle fit of her own. Based on how hard she laughed, I think she found it even funnier than I did.
I cackled in disbelief. "It's pretty
stretchy
? Did you really just say that?"
Mom shrugged. "I dunno! Do you want me to lie?"
"Maybe you should have! I don't know! I have
literally
never thought about that before."
A wicked, devious smile crept across Mom's face. "You've never thought about how stretchy Mommy's butthole is?"
That statement punched me in the gut with a pair of brass knuckles. The expression drained from my face. The crow's feet around my eyes vanished, leaving behind of a blank, solemn stare.
"Have I ever... what's going on? What are you doing?"
We had always been able to tease each other freely, but the butterflies in my stomach that night felt decidedly different than they ever had before. On most nights, a simple touch of her skin was enough to give me a rush of adrenaline, but that night I felt heat and energy rushing to places they never had before - well, not during movie nights with Mom, anyway.
Mom innocently threw another popcorn kernel into her mouth. "What?"
It was hard to pinpoint just one thing to question, so I picked the first that came to mind. "You're calling yourself 'Mommy,' now?"
"I'm just joking around, sweetheart."
"I mean... yeah, I guess. Sorry, I just-- that really threw me off."
Mom rubbed my thigh reassuringly. "Sorry, honey. Just forget it, okay?"
That was easier said than done.
At some point the movie finished. I mean, I assume it did--most movies end at
some
point. Personally, I do not remember finishing watching the film. Once Mom had dropped her bombshell statement, every neuron in my brain became fixated on creating a vivid, mouth-watering mental picture of her demonstrating, for my waiting eyes, her aforementioned anal talent.
At first, the shame made me sick to my stomach. I had never experienced such guilt before, but I soon grew to enjoy the uncomfortable, sinking feeling in my gut. I had often thought of Mom as a sexual being, but hearing her fuel those fantasies - whether she intended to or not - gave me the excuse to imagine her in ways that I had previously been too ashamed to explore.
When the movie ended and Mom got off the couch, I was abhorred by the fact that I was watching her ass swallow her pajama shorts. I couldn't look away from the thin cotton sinking between her fat, jiggling cheeks like dental floss. By the time I was back in my room, I was practically obsessing over it--over
her
.
To combat my raging horniness, I waded deep through the trenches of PornHub, searching desperately for a video that would trigger the same reaction in my brain that Mom had. I did not know exactly what I was searching for, but I soon realized why none of the videos were doing it for me: none of the women looked like her.