Momma Squirts on Christmas

This is the story of half of the Jamborson family. A few years ago the 'upstanding' members of the family got fed up and began having their own Christmas get-together, with happy children, responsible drinking, a table laden with roast turkey, spiral cut ham and all the fixings. The other half of the family, well, you'll meet them here. Mostly short on schooling, this bunch of the family is all 'adults', meaning they're all legal aged, though a few of them, including the nice girl who is our narrator, are just barely 18.

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--Momma Squirts on Christmas--

A Redneck Holiday, Chapter Three

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A few days after Christmas I was at the Walmart to get a few groceries my Momma sent me out for, and I ran into my Aunt Patty, her being the sister of my father. Ever since he run off and gone I hardly ever see anyone from his side of the family, probably because most of 'em live out of town, though Aunt Patty and her husband, Uncle Joe, live in my small town. My Momma says we 'run in different circles' than they do, whatever that means. I'm pretty sure I ain't run in a circle since I was a little girl.

Aunt Patty was smiling when she first saw me, there in the Walmart meat aisle, by the sausage and bacon. I gave her a hug and she was right receptive, hugging me back real nice, saying that she saw me pull into the parking lot and came into the store just to see me because she'd been thinking about me.

I told her thanks for the nice Christmas card with the fifty dollars in it that she'd sent me. She sends it every year and I do appreciate it. This year I'm thinking of buying some headphones so my music listening will sound better than ear buds, and also so it'll better drown out the other sounds in the doublewide, it being a thin-walled noisy place at times, especially when Ace is there with Momma in her bedroom.

Aunt Patty asked how I had been, and how Momma had been, saying that she'd heard around town that Momma was with Ace now and that the two of them had been heard somewhere bragging about being kinda wild with their sexuality.

"Aunt Patty, I think my Momma's always been wild," I said. "Don't you think she was that way with my daddy?"

"Yes, I do think that," she agreed. "I know it, in fact. But what about you, little girl? You're all of eighteen now. Has your momma and daddy's wildness come through to you?"

I seen a sparkle of what looked like knowledge in her eyes, so I smiled and shrugged and said, "Maybe. What about you, Aunt Patty? You're my daddy's sister, maybe you got a streak of the same wild in you."

Her eyes sparkled even more. "Maybe. Little girl, can I buy you a cup of coffee? Can we sit down for a spell and talk?"

I took the groceries home and then I went out again to a coffee shop called White Eyes Black Coffee. It's always seemed to me to be a powerful dumb name for a place, but lots of people go there, probably because it's the only coffee shop in our small town.

I seen my aunt sitting at a small corner table when I went in, and she waved at me and smiled. "Aunt Patty, you got the prettiest smile. You remind me of my daddy and it does my heart good to see you."

"I'm smiling because you grew up so beautiful, little girl. Does everyone still call you little girl?"

"They do. Good thing I didn't get tall or big and heavy, right? I stayed at the petite end of things."

"Except for that bust of yours. Little girl, you got curves that'll make men trip over themselves! Just since last year you've filled out even more. Probably wearing bras as big as your Momma's!"

"Big titties run on her side of the family. It's funny we're talking about this because just a few days ago I was talking to a boy about his...his male...bigness...the kind in his pants...and we was wondering which side of his family it come from. He said he'd never do something as crazy as to ask an uncle about it, and here we are talking about where my big tits come from. I told him us women are easier about talking about such things."

Aunt Patty chuckled. "I've missed you, little girl. You're such a delight. Maybe you're wondering why I picked a quiet corner table. It's so we can talk about such things as...well...what you already are talking about. Personal things. I get the feeling you won't mind me talking about those such things."

Aunt Patty's pretty eyes was looking right into mine, serious like, but with a sparkle of something more. The waitress came to our table just then with a cup of coffee for me and two big pieces of triple-chocolate cake that Aunt Patty had ordered for both of us. She tucked into hers as soon as the waitress left. "Did you have a nice Christmas?" she asked.

"Oh, it was wonderful," I said. "We had our usual party at our house for the 'wilder' side of Momma's family. I told you about it once. We all drink too much and smoke a little weed, while the fancy-pants side of her family have their big fancy dinner at somebody's big house and don't invite us. It used to make me mad but it don't no more. Our party, this year, was way better than theirs. I'm sure of that."

"Would it surprise you if I said I know a little about it? Your Uncle Joe had a business lunch yesterday with a client, and your Momma's boyfriend Ace just happened to be there in the restaurant. You know how this small town is, everywhere you go you see people that you know, right? Uncle Joe was at the table right next to Ace and Ace's friend, and I guess Ace was blabbering on and on to his friend about..." Aunt Patricia's voice dropped to a whisper "...the wild Christmas orgy he was at, with wild drunken sex. I don't know who it was that was with him that he was telling all this too, but your Uncle Joe got an earful over at the next table."

"Holy God!" I said. "Ace was blabberin' all that? Momma's gonna kill him!"

"Don't let her do that! I mean, I'd be mad at him, but..."

I seen a new kind of twinkle in Aunt Patricia's eyes, and I had a feeling it had to do with Ace. "Aunt Patty, you know him, right? Ace? What kind of person do you think he is?"

"Ace?" she said. "Well sure I know him, doesn't everybody know everybody around these parts? I went to school with him and his brother, though Ace was a couple years older. I dated his brother some."

"Ace has a brother?"

"He went to college and never came back. He was always a much brighter bulb than Ace was, but..."

"But what? Did you have a crush on Ace, Aunt Patty?"

Aunt Patty sweetly smiled as she bashfully blushed. "His brother was...my first. I had another boyfriend before him, but...he was my first."

"Your virginity, do you mean?"

"Yes. My maidenhead, as my mother used to call it. His name is Duncan. Ace's name is Dominic, did you know that?"

"No. Dominic, huh? That's fun to know. But what about your crush?"

"What makes you think I have one?" she said, smiling again as she blushed even pinker.

"Because Ace was the bad boy and maybe you have a thing for bad boys? I'm guessing his brother Duncan wasn't one?"

"No, he was not. He was straight as an arrow. But I liked him and...I was old enough and...wanted to get the deed done, if you know what I mean. I'm surprised this conversation has gone there. Will you keep my secrets?"

"For sure, Aunt Patty. I'm just so glad to see you today. You're making me all interested with questions, though, like...what would you have done if, the day before Duncan did the deed, Ace had asked you to go for a ride in his car? Think your virginity might have been taken that day sooner? By a different brother?"

"You're a very perceptive person, little girl. I used to dream about that very thing, back in those days. But it was Duncan, and I liked him and...that's all okay now."

"But it got all stirred up again in your mind when Uncle Joe told you about Ace and the sex party, is that right?"

"I'm beginning to think I really shouldn't be talking to you about this, my eighteen-year old niece. I'm sorry, little girl. I'm not sure what's come over me."

I could tell something big had come over her because she was acting all bashful in a way I'd never seen from her before. "Aunt Patty, it's all good. Nothin' to worry about, talkin' to me. I like this. I feel like you think of me like an adult now, and I like that."

Aunt Patty smirked. "Yes, well...any girl who looks like you is certainly a woman now. Goodness, I can not believe the body on you! You live with your cousin, am I right? Her name is...Jewel? How old is she? What's she like?"

I wondered if Uncle Joe had heard her name when he was overhearing things from Ace at the restaurant that day, but then I figured Aunt Patty already knows about the doublewide I live in and who's in it. "Yes, Jewel," I said. "She's almost a year older than me. Real pretty. We get ornery with each other some, but we love each other, especially recently."

Aunt Patty nodded. "Are there any boys in your lives? Boyfriends, or...?"

"Just one right now. Jewel and me, we might be sharing him, I'm not quite sure yet."

"Sharing him! Wow, that's very modern of you. So he's just...one of those no-strings-attached kind of boys? I wish I'd known one or two of those before I settled down."

"Yup, he's just loads of fun right now. He's not someone either Jewel or I could marry, though."

Aunt Patty nodded. "Maybe he's a 'bad boy'. If Ace and I had dated, I never would have married him. I'm happy with your Uncle Joe. I'm sure you'll find someone to settle down with eventually."

"I hope not for a while. Aunt Patty, I'm interested with some more questions if you don't mind."

"Of course, little girl. Ask away."

"I'm wondering...how much did Uncle Joe hear? How much was Ace telling his friend? Did Uncle Joe hear...names?"

"I can't say for sure, but your Uncle Joe said he was able to surmise a lot. Do you know what that means? He was able to put two and two together."

I nodded, wondering if my nice Uncle Joe now thinks I'm a sex party slut. "He told you all about it? Do you two...tell all your secrets to each other?"

Aunt Patty shook her head. "Not if you tell me something you don't want me to tell him. Is that what you're getting at?"

"Sure, that can be part of it. But no, I was wondering...do you talk about sex with Uncle Joe? I mean...were you shocked when he told you about what Ace said?"

Aunt Patty smirked. "Yes, I was shocked, but...it was a strange kind of shock, the kind that...excited me. Here we are talking real deep personal again, more than I maybe should."

"Was Uncle Joe shocked?"

"About Ace's story, or about me being excited?"

"I'm curious about both," I said. "First off, how much of a 'story' do you think it is?"

"Oh, Ace was always fond of spinning tall tales. But he was never afraid of telling the truth, either. He never did have much of a filter for holding back."

"So, do you and Uncle Joe believe him, or don't you?"

Aunt Patty smirked again. "Uncle Joe said it was a story that...rang a little bit too true to be made up. He's a good judge of that kind of thing. As for me...I'm tending to believe it, right now. Little girl, you've got twinkles in your eyes that are giving me a tingle inside. If you want to tell me a secret, I'll keep it for you."

"That story of Ace's," I said, "it's about family stuff that isn't strictly proper. Stuff that Momma and Aunt Maisie think should be kept secret."

"Yes, that's very smart. If I was a part of something like that I'd certainly want to keep it secret, too. It's the right thing to do. Does your Aunt Maisie have a boyfriend?"

"No," I said. "She ain't never dated since I've can remember. She's still right pretty though."

"Yes, I see her around once in a while. So, nobody? No men in her life?"

It seemed to me like Aunt Patty was trying to couple people up in her mind, maybe wondering about the sexual math of a sex party. "Like I said, she don't date that I know of. As for men in her life, there's her and Momma's brother, my uncle Jimmie. Do you know him?"

"Jimmie Jamborson. Well there's a boy from school who made an impression! Dumb as a box of rocks, that one, but of course all the girls went all googly-eyed at him 'cause he looked like Russell Crowe on gym steroids."

"Oh, wow," I said. "I never thought about him ever being in high school. Yeah, I can for sure see him being a class hottie. In my class all the hot boys were dumb, too."

"Ain't that always the way!" said Aunt Patty. "Jimmie was always lifting weights as I recall. I still see him around every once in a while. Still looks like his old self. Big, and strong. Yes, I knew that handsome man. Knew a girl that dated him back in those school days, too, though she and I weren't good friends."

"I agree with you about the box of rocks thing, but he's real nice. Always helping out with keeping the doublewide from falling apart."

Aunt patty nodded. "Yes, I can imagine that. He had a charming way about him. He and his friends drank and smoked weed a lot. Me and my friends always wished that we could be cool and popular like they were."

"So, you never told me if Uncle Joe was shocked about the sex party story he heard Ace telling."

Aunt Patty thought for a few moments before answering. "I'll put it this way, he was...curious about it. By that I mean he acted in a curious way when he told me all about it. At first I thought maybe he was embarrassed about it, maybe felt bad because he thought I'd think poorly of your momma or some such thing, but...it wasn't like that. He was mostly amazed, I think, that folks around here, folks that we kinda know, are having such parties that are...so out of the ordinary and so...interesting. What I'm meaning to say is...me and your Uncle Joe, we've been kind of quickly getting more and more interested, you might say, in the possible truth of it. Did I just make any sense that you can understand?"

I felt a tingle in my insides, me myself starting to put two and two together. That unusual sparkle that I'd seen in Aunt Patty's eyes all through this conversation, and those two blushes of bashful that she'd shown, it was all starting to make a surprising kind of sense. After she had a bite of cake and a sip of her coffee, she spoke again.

"Little girl, do you have plans for New Year's Eve? Your Uncle Joe and I were thinking, maybe this is the year to open up our house on New Year's Eve, maybe make some new friends. Our life's been right stale and boring for too many years now, such that we almost bore each other to death. No, I didn't say that right. It's just that...we lead a boring life. A busy, fun girl like you probably can't understand that."

"Aunt Patty, you aren't thinking of getting divorced, are you?"

"Oh, no, little girl. It's not like that at all. No, we'll stay married forever, your Uncle Joe and me. I just suggested to him that...I think maybe it'd be real interesting to maybe have some new kinds of friendships, and after some thought, he agreed. Of course, if we decide to truly have a New Year's Eve party, I wouldn't open up our house to just anybody. No, I was thinking you, and your Momma, and if she'd want to bring Ace along that'd be fine. You could bring that boy you like. If your Aunt Maisie and your Uncle Jimmie would want to stop by they'd be welcome."

I wonder if my eyes was twinkling when I did the sexual math and came up with the answer of four men and four women at this party she was thinking about. "So, that sounds real fun Aunt Patty, but Momma already said she's having a party at our place."

"Oh, Darn! Do you know, I thought of that possibility. Darn, that's too bad. I guess that's what happens when I try to plan something on such short notice. I should have known getting my hopes up in such a way was dumb. Sometimes I think there's a box of rocks in my head, too. I sometimes get so carried away with an idea, my whole world gets clouded and turned upside down."

"Aunt Patty, I feel bad about this, and I'm not sure of what to do. I feel like you kind of maybe know about something but I'm not sure if you do, and without knowing if you do I can't say no more. I'm real confused about what to do."

Aunt Patty nodded, a hopeful look in her eyes. "Maybe we can talk about it some more?" she said. "Maybe we could order another piece of cake?"

We both ordered lemon cake this time, and the waitress brought us more coffee, too.

"Aunt Patty, you said earlier, if I wanted to tell you a secret, you'd keep it for me. Do you promise that?"

"Of course. I'll always keep any secret you want me to keep."

"My secret is more of a question," I said. "If I could get you invited to a sex party, would you want to go to one?"

Aunt Patty's pretty eyes twinkled in a new way as she put her fork down in what seemed like slow-motion, her whole self seeming to be inflicted with a sudden quiet slowness. "May I ask you the same question, little girl? If I tell you a secret, will you keep it for me?"

"Yes. I will."

Aunt Patty nodded at my answer, then she spoke in a quieter voice, so that she was extra sure that no one else in the coffee shop could hear. "Ever since your Uncle Joe overheard that surprising story about that Christmastime sex at that possibly true party, he and I, we've talked about...the possibilities. Oh my goodness, if you could see the turmoil inside me right now! To answer your question, yes, we would be very...excited...to go to a sex party, if we were ever to be invited to one. Of course we've never done anything like that before. But, just last night we talked about such a thing, quite a lot. I'll tell you honestly, he'll be surprised I'm here with you. Not 'bad' surprised, but...surprised. I couldn't believe the luck of it when I saw drive by today. I had a feeling inside me as if you were sent by God or some such thing, so I followed you here. Do you believe in fate, little girl? I sometimes do. Seeing you drive by today, I think I believe in it again."

"Can I ask you something, Aunt Patty? Did Uncle Joe know my Momma and her sister Maisie when he was in school?"

"He surely did. Your Momma and Maisie were both cheerleaders. Everybody knows everybody. You know how that school is."

"Yup. Me and Jewel was both on the cheer team, until I got kicked off for bad behavior."

"Is that what happened? What did you do?"

"Drinking, partying, the usual. Speaking of which, does getting drunk or smoking weed offend you or Uncle Joe? The party I might get you invited to will be having both."

Aunt Patty smirked. "Sounds fun. I haven't drank too much in I don't know how long. Weed I'll...try, I think. Yes, I'll be trying new things. How big of a party will it be, do you think?"

I tried to remember Christmas Eve. "There was like...maybe sixteen there at the big one on Christmas. And eight at the small one, the next day."

Aunt Patty's eyes got wide, but I could tell she was trying hard to act not shocked. "Sixteen. That's...a real party."

I nodded. "Aunt Patty that turmoil inside you, I can tell it's the good kind, the same as I feel. It's so fun being a sex party girl. But it's one of those secrets, though. It's one of those secrets I'd like you to keep."

Aunt Patty nodded, her hand reaching for mine on the table. We sat there for some quiet moments, looking into the sparkling turmoil in each other's excited eyes.

--

We'd spread the word that it would be a dress-up party for New Year's Eve, all us women in sexy cocktail dresses and all the men in their best pants and shirts, even blazer jackets and ties if they wanted to wear 'em. Ace and Uncle Jimmie pooled their money to buy a case of liquor, tequila this time, and Aunt Patty and Uncle Joe offered to bring a whole case of champagne, the corks of which we figured we'd pop at midnight. I put my handsome cousin sugar bear on the hunt for as much good weed as we could afford, with money in his pocket that we'd collected from some of the other cousins and from Momma and Aunt Maisie.