My name is James and I am sitting here typing in the dark. It is three am and again I can't sleep. I am trying to get things straight in my head, all the things that happened to me in the last year. If I can get them straight, understand them, I think I can end the torment that is, I fear, driving me insane. I look at the little brown bottle on the floor beside my bed. It is my motivation.
I was in my teens living at home with my mom. I was in high school. My dad had died in an accident at work two years before. I didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mom had held me at the hospital when dad died and told me I was the man in the family now. I stopped crying and watched my mom crying and I told her I would take care of her. She clutched me to her and I remember thinking how very much I loved her. One night in summer mom and I were sitting out in the screen porch listening to the crickets and watching the stars and the moon. All the lights were off so that we could see in the dark. Mom had a sad far away look in her eyes. I asked her "mom do you miss dad." She looked at me and sighed. "Yes Jimmy. I miss him very much." "What do you miss about him." I miss the way he used to hold me in his arms when we went to bed and the house was quiet. I miss his hugs and his kisses. I miss the long walks we took in the evening watching the sunset." I rose from my chair and went to her. I leaned down and hugged her and gave her a kiss on the mouth. I told her "I love you mom and any time you want a hug or a kiss you can come to me." she looked me in the eyes and I could see her tears and she said "I love you too honey, and I will." she kissed me and pulled me to her. I could feel her breasts through her thin summer dress. Her nipples were hard and I felt them. Without knowing why my penis started getting hard. Mom could feel it against her stomach and she sighed again. She kissed me again and lingered with her lips against mine. I could feel her warm breath in my mouth and against my face. When she pulled back I stepped back confused and a little embarrassed. "I...I better go to bed mom." I turned and walked to the door. "Good night honey." Her voice sounded different lower like she was out of breath. I went up to my room, undressed and got into bed. Why had my penis grown hard when mom kissed me and I felt her nipples and her breasts against my chest. I couldn't sleep. I lay awake thinking about mom and my penis got hard again. Why was this happening. After a while I heard mom in her room and then in the bathroom. The door to my room opened and I could see mom in her nightgown. The light from the streetlight coming through the hall window was behind her and I could see the shape of her body through her nightgown. As she stood there my penis stiffened until it stood straight up pushing the sheet. Mom walked toward me and sat on the edge of my bed. My eyes were closed. I felt her pull the sheet down off me. Her hand untied my pajamas and freed my penis. Her had gripped it lightly and I felt her mouth around the head sucking, and her tongue licking. I shuddered. It felt so good, like nothing I had ever felt before. She lowered her mouth until the head touched the back of her throat. Slowly she moved her mouth up and down licking and sucking me. "Oh" escaped my lips. Mom pulled off me and said "relax Jimmy I need this and it will feel so good to you." her mouth returned and she continued to suck and lick me. I felt her hand gently grasp my balls and roll them between her fingers. It all felt so wonderful it almost hurt. "Oh mom" I cried as my penis exploded in her mouth. She sucked and sucked it and I could hear her swallow. My penis still stood erect and mom rose. She lifted her nightgown over her head and let it fall to the floor. She climbed on top of me and lowered herself down until my penis felt like it was gripped in a warm wet glove. I could feel her squeeze it. She started lifting up and sitting down over and over and it felt so good just like she said it would. Mom moved faster and faster. Sweat was flying from her face and breasts raining down on me. Finally she shrieked and I felt her squeeze me again and again and I exploded again inside her. Mom slumped down on top of me. We were both sweating and our slippery skin slid against one another. After a few minutes mom rolled off my and snuggled up to my side. She kissed my cheek and then my mouth. "Thank you baby that was wonderful. Did you like it." "Yes mom it felt wonderful. Nothing ever felt that good." "I am glad you liked it honey. It has been so long since I made love to anyone I was going crazy. Thank you for caring about me and wanting to make me happy." she kissed me again and we lay quietly until we fell asleep.
After that first night mom came into my room every night and we made love. It never felt wrong. We loved each other. Mom told me we could never let anyone know what we did and why. I promised I would never tell anyone. Before the summer was over mom and I were making love three or four times a day. She stopped wearing underwear and made me stop too. It was easier that way to slip into her in the kitchen or at night on the porch. In the bathroom each morning she had me bathe her. She started calling me her love toy which I found I liked. One rainy day two weeks before school started I was reading on the porch mom called out to me. I went into the living room and she was sitting on the sofa. She said "kneel in front of me." I did. She said "unbutton my skirt." happily I did as she asked. "Put your face between my legs and lick my slit." I was surprised. I had never done this before. "Do it," she said in a stern voice. I did as she asked and placing my mouth against her slit I started to lick it. She moaned and put her hands on the back of my head and pushed my face into her open slit. She bucked her hips running her slit from my chin to my forehead. "Stick out your tongue. Get it deep inside me. Lick me boy." Mom had never spoken to me so harshly. Had I done something to make her angry. I tried to pull my face back to ask her what I had done. How I had made her angry. "Don't you dare stop." she pulled my face hard against her. When she finally gasped and I felt her warm fluid fill my mouth she pushed me away. I looked up at her and touched her leg. She slapped my hand away. "Mom what's wrong did I do something to make you angry." She opened her eyes and looked down at me. "Jimmy we can't make love anymore." why mom I thought you liked it, and I like it. Why can't we make love to each other anymore." "Because it is wrong for a mother and son to do that." "But mom I thought you loved me and wanted to make love to me." "Jimmy I know you don't understand this but what we have been doing is wrong and it stops now. What you just did, licking me I will permit but you will never put your penis inside me again. If I want that I will find another man to do it with." "I don't want to lick you mom I want to make love to you." "Don't argue with me Jimmy you will do what you are told. Now go to your room." I ran crying to my room. What had happened why was mom so mad at me. I lay there all afternoon and into the evening. Mom never came to see me. I cried myself to sleep. In the morning I went into the bathroom. When I returned to get dressed mom was sitting on the edge of my bed in her robe. "Kneel in front of me Jimmy." "No mom I don't want to do that." "As long as you live in this house you will do what ever I tell you to do. Now kneel in front of me and lick me." "I won't." She rose and walked to me. She reached up to my head with both hands. I thought she was going to kiss me. She grabbed my ears between her fingers and pulled down. It really hurt. She pulled harder till my knees buckled. She pulled open her robe and thrust her slit against my mouth. I wouldn't do it. She was being so mean. She rubbed her slit against me so hard I couldn't breath. My mouth gasped open for air but she pushed in harder to cover it. I refused to lick her and she refused to back off. My head was light. I felt dizzy. I awoke on the floor of my room. Mom was gone. I got dressed and went to look for her. She was not in the house. I went out and walked up town trying to find her. I thought about what had happened but I didn't understand it. Three hours later I returned home.
