Mie & Savy

Note to readers: This chapter covers the same time period and many of the same events as Chapter 7, but from Savy's point of view.

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The last time I had seen Mike was a year and a half ago on that awful day in my dorm. Everything I had been through, everything I had worked past, came rushing back into me. And the most painful thought of them all.

"You left me."

His eyes dropped.

"I shouldn't have."

So many times I had thought of what I would say when I saw him again. What I would say when I needed him to knock on my door one more time and wrap his arms around me. When I was in so much pain and I blamed myself for everything. When I had started to heal. When I heard he was leaving for Spain.

Now he was in the same room as me and there was only one thing I could say.

"You left me."

I clenched my jaw to hold back tears. I stared at him as he stepped closer to me and I could feel the tears escaping. I watched as his hand reached across the counter. My knuckles were white from clenching so hard. His hand settled on top of mine, but I pulled my hand away.

He looked back up to me.

"I'm sorry."

I felt rage. I don't know what I expected or even wanted him to say, but hearing that he was sorry was too much. Not after what I had been through.

I felt my hand strike his face and he turned to the side at the impact.

"You don't get to say you're sorry. I blamed myself for you leaving. Now you want to come back and say you're sorry?"

I stepped away from him and he half-leaned, half-fell against the counter behind him.

I couldn't take my eyes off of him. All the times I had cried. The nights when I couldn't sleep. The days I couldn't eat. I saw it all on the lines of his face.

"Savy... I was an idiot. I have no excuses. Can we sit down and talk?"

No. We were beyond talking. There was nothing to say. He didn't just leave me, he went around the world to get away from me. He had asked me to marry him, made that promise to me. He had stood next to me when I was broken and promised he'd do anything for me. He'd said that as soon as I wanted him, he'd be there.

"What is there to say? What do you want from me? You want to come back and be my brother again? You want me to fall into your arms? You. Left. Me."

I couldn't face him anymore.

I turned and went upstairs to my room, counting every step and every breath until I closed my door.

I threw myself onto my bed. I didn't want to be so angry. I hated the feeling. I buried my face in my pillow and cried. Of all the things I had imagined for a year and a half, none had been that kind of anger and... hitting him. I couldn't imagine myself ever being that angry with him and then I saw him.

I was still crying when I fell asleep.

I woke up early the next morning, but I didn't want to go out and face him again. I was angry at him. I was angry at myself. I was embarrassed. I got out of bed and went to my computer. I turned it on, but as soon as it logged in to instant messenger, I closed the window. I didn't want to risk talking to Josh when I was like this and especially not having to lie to him about what I was going through.

When I finally emerged, I almost ran into Mike as he came up the stairs. I barely saw his face before I dropped my eyes to the floor and went straight to the bathroom. As soon as I was done, I went straight back to my bedroom.

I stayed in my room. I hated myself. I was hiding in my room and I was angry. I just... I couldn't control how I was feeling about this.

Later in the day, I heard mom call, "Savannah, lunch!"

I sighed and went downstairs. Mike and mom were out on the patio and there were hamburgers. I didn't say anything, but I watched Mike out of the corner of my eye.

Mom asked, "Are you going to sit with us?"

I answered her, "I'm talking with Josh." Did he tell her what had happened? What I had done?

She didn't say anything and I went back inside.

I sat on my bed, trying to sort through everything in my head, everything I had talked about with Dr. Vargas. She had always emphasized how much the shock of what we had learned impacted our decisions, consciously and subconsciously.

Now Mike was back and I think the shock of seeing him again had jolted me incredibly hard. It was like the year and a half of healing I had worked so hard for was irrelevant. I was ashamed that I had let my shock get the better of me last night. I shouldn't have reacted to him the way I did.

But I knew my healing, perhaps incomplete, wasn't irrelevant. I had healed, as much as I could. I knew that I had made mistakes, so many mistakes. Recognizing those mistakes was a part of healing, as was moving past them and not letting them dictate my entire life.

I rested my chin on my knees and rocked slowly back and forth.

I heard a lawn mower rattle to life and I leaned over to look out my window. Mike was beginning to work his way back and forth across the yard.

I buried my face in my hands and pictured Josh, sitting and playing his cello as we practiced together. I got off my bed and pulled out my violin. I quietly played a few scales, but I wasn't able to transition into any songs. Nothing was speaking to me. I put it back down and went back to my bed with a book.

I spent the rest of the afternoon reading without actually focusing on the plot, periodically looking out the window as Mike worked back and forth across the yard doing various things.

In the early evening, I went downstairs and mom was starting to make dinner.

"Hi, honey." She looked concerned and sad. "Are you okay?"

I went to her and she wrapped her arms around me.

"I'll be fine."

I finished helping her with dinner and when we were done, she went outside. I watched as she walked across the yard and stood next to Mike. Their backs were to me, but eventually they both came to the patio. Mom came inside and fixed a plate, then took it outside and gave it to Mike.

I took my own plate to the living room and sat on the sofa before turning on the Orioles game. Mom soon joined me, but didn't say anything. We watched the game without talking.

At some point, Mike came in and said goodnight, which mom returned.

I went to bed after the end of the game. When I got to my room, my phone was flashing with a notification. I had a text from Josh, "Miss you and love you."

I got up the next morning and logged onto my computer. Josh was online. I opened up a window and sent him a message.

"Hey, I'm going to the beach today with Mandy and Aly. I probably won't be back until tonight, but I'll talk to you then, okay?"

A few moments later, he responded.

"Sure thing. I'm jealous I won't get to see you laying out in the sun. ;-)"

"We'll go to the beach some day. It'll be fun."

"Okay, talk to you tonight. Love you."

"Love you too."

I logged off and put various things that I'd need in a bag. After I was packed, I texted Mandy to say I'd be there to pick her up in 20 minutes. I went downstairs and said goodbye to mom, before going out and getting in my car.

When we got to Ocean City, we texted Aly to find out where she was. She and her boyfriend were already on the beach, so Mandy and I parked and walked out to find them.

This was the first time I'd been able to see them since coming back from College Park, so we had a lot of catching up to do. They were fascinated hearing about the various performances I had been in, even though I'd already emailed them about most of the concerts. We ate lunch at a boardwalk restaurant and walked around a bit, before a second session of sunning ourselves on the beach.

By the time I had gotten back to Salisbury and dropped off Mandy at her parents' place, it was mostly dark. I crashed on the sofa and told mom about the day before going upstairs.

I logged onto my computer and Josh was online. We chatted for a bit about the day, him asking me about Ocean City and me asking him how things were going in North Carolina. Eventually, I was too tired from spending the day in the sun and said goodnight.

The following day, I was in my room, going back and forth between talking with various friends online and reading. When I sat on my bed, I could see that Mike had been working on building a path from the garage to the patio. I could see that he was drenched in sweat from the combination of the work and the 95 degree heat.

I knew what he was doing. He'd always been very helpful around the house, but not like this. He was overworking himself because of how I had treated him. I felt guilty for that.

I went downstairs and into the kitchen. I grabbed a large plastic cup, one of the various ones we'd collected from Orioles or Shorebirds games, and filled it with ice water. I took it outside.

Mike was completely engrossed in his work. His back was to me as he was spreading sand on the ground and placing stones. Even from several yards away, I could hear him breathing hard.

"Mike."

He turned his head, looking over his shoulder, then stood up and faced me. His face was covered in sweat and dirt. He had on an old hat to keep his hair out of his eyes. He looked a lot like he did two years ago when we spent so much time together and had worked in the yard together, except he looked more tired, weary.

"You need water."

I held up the cup, then set it on the patio table.

As I was walking back inside, I heard him thank me.

That night, mom sat with Mike out back while they ate dinner. I ate at my desk, talking with Josh online. I told him that my brother had come back from Spain, but when Josh asked questions about it, I dodged them and said that Mike and I really hadn't had much time to talk.

I spent the next two days going out with Mandy, either spending time at her house or window shopping around Salisbury. I didn't want to stay cooped up in my room, but I wasn't ready to face Mike again. When the weekend came, mom said that Mike had gone to visit with Jeff and Mia. I took the opportunity to play my violin more freely, either on the sun porch or out in the yard.

At one point, I walked across the new path that Mike had built. I looked down at my bare feet on the stones and felt a wave of guilt.

The next week passed in a similar fashion. Mike was avoiding me and I didn't blame him, since I was avoiding him, too. Here we were, back in the same place after so much time and we couldn't even talk to each other. I wondered if we had missed our chance to try and work through it, to be a family again. He had tried, but I had responded with pure hostility.

I spent a lot of time talking with Josh, but it was a bit weird. We never had any issues finding things to share with each other when we were on campus. Now that we were separated, we mostly just talked about random nothings. Still, it was comforting whenever I sat down and saw a message from him. Knowing that he was missing me or thinking about me, and especially that we'd be back at Maryland relatively soon, was soothing.

One day, I noticed that Mike wasn't around. I asked mom and she said that he was across the Bay, looking for an apartment. He'd be going back to NASA and needed to find a place to live. I briefly thought back to his old apartment, which had been, for a short time, our apartment.

A few days later and I was in the kitchen when I heard Mike telling mom that he had signed a lease for a place in Bowie. He'd be gone again soon, almost like he was moving back to Spain. I wondered if that would actually be for the best.

It was a Saturday when Mike was leaving to move to Bowie. I watched from my window as he packed his things into his truck. I went downstairs.

Mike had his back turned to me when I stepped out the front door onto the porch. When he turned back and saw me, I walked across the path to him.

I wasn't angry anymore, other than my internal anger at myself for how I had reacted to him coming back. I didn't want to hurt him, but I also didn't know how we could get back to when he was my big brother, always there for me. I was a different person now than when that had been the case. Combined with the experiences we'd had, together and apart, maybe it wasn't possible to get back there. Maybe the best we could be was how Michael Collins once described himself, Neil Armstrong, and Buzz Aldrin... amiable strangers.

When I was in front of him, I watched for a moment as his eyes flickered back and forth, searching my own eyes. He wouldn't say anything and I knew why. He didn't want to anger me. Even after all I'd done to him, he was still concerned about me.

"Good luck, Mike."

His face relaxed just the tiniest bit, like he'd been expecting me to say something awful and was surprised that I hadn't.

"Thanks, Savy."

I went back inside as he pulled out of the driveway.

When I was back in the house, I went to the kitchen to get some tea. Mom came up behind me and rested her hand on my back.

"It took a long time for you both to heal while you were apart. This will take time, too."

I turned and hugged her before returning to my room. I played my violin and my mind could focus on music, but my choices were rather melancholy.

Over the next few days, I did eventually start to focus on the positives in my life again. Josh. Violin. Moving into an apartment with Maria. Starting my junior year. I still thought about Mike, but mom was right, this would all take time.

At the end of the month, mom and I packed everything I owned except for furniture into our two cars and drove to College Park. The first time I turned the key and entered my new apartment was an incredible experience. It's one of those fun moments in life, much like your first day of high school, first day of college, or first job. It's a simple thing, but feels like it's a world of possibilities.

Later, mom and I went to buy some simple furniture for my bedroom. She left me with some more spending money, despite my insistence that it wasn't necessary, to help furnish the living room once Maria got there. She said that since my tuition was covered by my scholarship now, having some extra cash for living wasn't a problem.

After Maria moved in, the two of us reveled in our newfound sense of freedom. We did so many new things together, including buying furniture, our first trip to the grocery store, and settling into a routine of living in an apartment with all the associated chores and responsibilities.

In mid-July, Josh moved back. He was going to be living on campus again for his junior year. I had asked Maria how she felt about him staying over nights at the apartment. She said that it was fine, since he was a clean guy and would contribute to things like the food budget, as long as she didn't hear anything.

The first day he was back, I walked over to campus and met him at his new dorm. We ate lunch at the union before walking to my apartment. Once inside, we curled up on the couch and watched a movie. It felt good to be in his arms again, where everything else in the world didn't matter.

That night, he stayed over.

On nights when we had practice sessions at the performing arts center, we stayed on campus at his dorm, since it was a more convenient walk and his roommate wouldn't be on campus until the fall semester. On other nights and weekends, we would go back to my apartment just off campus and either hang out with Maria if she were there or enjoy being back together if she wasn't.

The summer seemed to be passing by too quickly. Without any classes related to biology, my days were filled with music and Josh. We could work together, either in practice sessions or in my apartment, trying new combinations of music or perfecting specific pieces that we knew Max wanted us to play. And we had more free time to simply be back together after a month apart. When it wasn't insanely hot, we could get lunch and eat on the mall or simply walk around campus.

Unfortunately, we did have our first fight as a couple one day. We were walking out of the union and to the mall when Josh suggested that we sit by the fountain, since the water would make it a bit cooler. I asked if we could sit under some trees on the side instead. I don't know how it got out of control, but before I knew it, I was upset that he was trying to push something onto me that I didn't want and he was pissed that I was being unreasonable about not wanting to do something so benign. I just... didn't want to be by the fountain.

We ended up spending that night apart, the first since we'd returned to campus that we weren't together. The next morning, Josh called me, which was unusual because we usually talked online or texted if we weren't together. He apologized, as did I, and the matter was quickly dropped.

In August, it was time for Jeff and Mia's wedding. A week beforehand, mom drove up on a Saturday and I met her in Annapolis to go shopping for a dress. She was spoiling me, which I felt guilty about, but she insisted that the money was no problem.

After a day of window shopping, I settled on a long mint green gown. It was somewhat tight, but accented my hips and my breasts. The front was fairly conservative, with a straight collar across my neck, but the rear was completely open down to the small of my back. It was a style I'd really come to love since mom bought me the gown for my first concert. Josh never ceased to compliment me on the look or lightly run his fingers across my bare back when I wore such a dress, which sent shivers up my spine.

On the day of the wedding, I went to a hair stylist near campus to do something special and unique, at mom's insistence. The stylist loved the length of my hair. She created multiple braids on each side of my head before pulling everything back. She clipped my remaining free hair, so that it would hang between my shoulder blades, then wove the various braids in and out, creating a laced pattern that pulled around the side of my head and then fell down my back. I sent mom a picture and she simply responded, "Spectacular!"

Josh drove to my apartment to pick me up and then we made the short drive to the chapel on campus. We walked in together, hand in hand, and were shown to our seats near the front. I felt honored that Jeff and Mia had wanted us to sit so close to the front.

While we waited for the ceremony to start, we talked about how beautiful the chapel looked and how special it must be for two Maryland graduates to get married on the campus where they met. Josh was also tickling me a bit, making me smile and laugh. He had just leaned over and kissed me on the cheek when I saw that Jeff had taken his place at the altar to wait for Mia.

Next to him was Mike.

He was looking directly at me. Our eyes only met for a brief second and then I heard Pachelbel. Mike's eyes left mine. I watched as he turned and smiled at Jeff, then the two of them looked down the aisle.

Everyone in the audience turned too, but I was focused on Mike. He looked incredibly good in his tuxedo, which was perfectly fitted to his broad shoulders and trim waist. His hair had its typical rustled, but attractively so, appearance, falling around the sides of his face. All of the men in the wedding party had red kerchiefs in their breast pocket, except for Jeff who had a gold one.

I finally turned and saw the flower girl walking about halfway down the aisle, then a delighted gasp as Mia came into view. She wore a spectacular satin mermaid dress, without much lace or adornment. It was simple and gorgeous. She looked incredible and so happy. I peaked back and Jeff and he had a stunned smile on his face. They were so incredibly in love and this was their perfect day.

As she reached the altar and stood across from Jeff, I felt Josh squeeze my hand. I looked at him and he smiled at me, with that sheepish lopsided grin of his that was so adorable.

The ceremony was simple and beautiful. Jeff and Mia's vows made almost everyone in the audience cry, including myself. We stood and applauded after they'd exchanged rings and a kiss and were making their way down the aisle, as husband and wife.