Memoirs of an Old Man

As an old man with not many days ahead of me, I often ponder on what sort of life I have led and whether certain things that I did as a young man have changed the course of my life so much that I couldn't have possibly foreseen it.

I ask the reader to travel back with me and my memories several decades. To 1959 -- to be precise. I had just turned 18 a few months ago and my life was just as it was for the last 18 years -- hard and uneventful. We were not rich -- nah; we were one of those families that you felt sad about.

"I am very sorry for what happened to your husband" Aunt Linda had said when she heard that my dad had lost his job. It never paid much. But it was just about enough to retain some dignity in the society.

Let me tell you a little secret about going from poor to broke: All those things that you could barely afford become absolutely unaffordable.

But my mother, Jean, never lost hope. "Don't you worry Terry. Just pray to the Lord. I am sure all will be fine."

I had a lot of hope in God. After all, He was our savior. He helped good people. That's what Father James used to say.

I was devout from a young age. I went to Church every Sunday. I prayed and pretty much followed everything that Father James said.

Being 18, I was a walking cocktail of hormones and they had their effects. I knew what sex was, of course. But Father James was very clear about sex. He said that intercourse was only for married people and that too, only to give birth to children.

I had discovered masturbation years ago and every time I jerked off, I felt guilty; that somehow I was offending God. That it was improper for a boy to pleasure himself. I contemplated confessing this to Father many times. But I knew what he would say. I knew that he would ask me to stop it. I was not entirely sure I wanted to do that.

Living with a deeply conservative family, there was no way to ask mother or father about this. Sex was not something that we talked about. I had no siblings. So, all my knowledge about sex came from my friends who were perhaps as naïve as I was.

It was by this time that we came to know that Uncle John and Aunt Marie were killed in an accident. Uncle John was drunk and as he drove over a bridge, he lost control and that was the end of that. Their daughter, Sarah had nowhere to go. Mother decided that it was not proper for a girl to live on her own. It was therefore decided that Sarah would live with us.

My father was close to getting a new job in a nearby oil field and I was also working in a local metal shop as an assistant to one of the fabricators.

Sarah moved in with us a few days after the funeral. Initially for a couple of months, I never saw Sarah happy. She was hurt and she had decided not to talk about it. An occasional "Hi" was all that we said to each other.

There was no spare room in our home, so Sarah and I shared a room. My dad bought an old bunk bed with his first salary and I slept on the upper bed while she slept on the lower one.

Before Sarah moved in with us, my jerk-off sessions did not need any planning as such. I would lie on my bed and think of some girl; cum, clean, feel ashamed and sleep. But this was not possible anymore. One night, only a few days after Sarah had moved in, I was lying on my bed and started to stroke myself. All was well, initially. But the cot began to make a squeaking sound and I was too scared to continue. So, I just went to sleep hoping that she had not noticed anything.

This meant that I had to relieve myself in the bathroom. It was small and it somehow never got me in the mood. But from time to time, when there was no other way, I would slip into the bathroom and jerk off furiously.

A few months passed this way and Sarah got better and better. She started dressing well and engaged in conversation with everyone. She was becoming normal.

It was during this time that I started to notice how beautiful my cousin was. She was a few months older than me. She had a round face. Her eyebrows were like two crescent shaped moons turned upside down. It was impossible not to notice her ample lips and her dreamy eyes.

I had no sexual thoughts about her, yet. We started to talk with each other more often and we became friends. She would talk mostly about how her life had changed after her parents' death. She told me that she was not thrilled about living here though she was grateful to mom for taking her in. She would find a job as a secretary somewhere and start living independently.

We lived on the outskirts of our town which meant that if you walked for an hour in the right direction, you would find yourself in front of a lake in a forest. It was not big or deep by any standards. It was hardly a lake. But it was a good place to and spend some time. It was my 'thinking area'. Whenever I was happy or angry or sad or confused, I would simply come here. The lake had a calming effect on me. I think it is fair to say that it was my favorite place to be.

One day, Sarah seemed to be in very bad mood. She hadn't spoken to anyone all day and neither did she show up for lunch. By about 3 in the afternoon, I went to enquire. She was sitting on the bed staring at a book -- pretending to herself that she was, in fact, reading it.

"Hey, you alright? I haven't seen you all day"

"I'm fine. Was just reading a book" she said.

I started "Want to go on a walk? I know a great pla--"

"Nah, I'm fine, really" she interrupted me.

I wasn't one to give up. She was hurting and a man doesn't let his family grieve alone.

I persisted:

"There's a lake and you can see birds singing their songs. Its really beautiful I'm telling ya"

She agreed. I think this was mainly to stop my pathetic attempts at cheering her up.

I told mom and we were gone in five minutes.

It was a cool day and the sun wasn't really coming down hard at us. We walked slowly. I wanted her to move on. I did not like seeing her like this. I told her so.

"I'm trying Terry. All my life they were the people on whom I depended. I loved them. Now, knowing that I'll never see papa or ma makes everything harder. I don't really have anyone to talk to. Anyone to tell what I'm going through."

I stopped her:

"You can talk to me you know. I'm not that bad a listener. I understand that you don't know me so well. But, we can get to know each other. And I know this may not be the best thing to tell you now; but the fact is, you are going to be here for some time. We might as well make the best use of it. All I remember of Sarah is a silly little girl in her frock who was quite irritating. But that's 10 years ago. I want to know 'today's Sarah'. Father James always tells us that we are a family because we can lean on each other during tough times. And I know one thing, Father James is a very wise man."

With these sentences, I had frankly surprised myself. I was never good at emotional talk. But, I think genuine feelings, when put into words, help you clear things up.

I think Sarah was more than surprised. I turned to look at her and I tell you she was in awe.

She held out her hand to me. I held it and we walked to the lake in silence. I don't think that we talked much there either. We sat and looked at the water and the trees and the birds. As we were about to leave, she looked at me and said

"Thank you Terry, for everything. I haven't been this calm or happy in months. Thank you"

At that moment, looking at her, in Nature's lap, I fell in love with my cousin. I leaned towards her and kissed her on her lips. She kissed me back for maybe less than a second before pulling back. I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was in tears.

I was ashamed. I had taken advantage of my grieving cousin and caused her more pain. She was walking away. This was bad. I ran to her.

"I'm sorry Sarah. I don't know what I was thinking. Please forgive me" I said in absolute shame. I genuinely hated myself at that moment.

"Leave me alone Terry. I don't want to talk to you right now. I won't tell uncle John or aunt Jane if that's what you're worried about" she said almost sobbing now.

"I'm not asking your forgiveness so that you won't tell mother or dad. I'm aghast because I hurt you Sarah. That is why I want you to know I'm sorry and that I would never do anything to hurt you, ever." I said. I was not worried about mother or father knowing this. I had not thought that far. I just did not want Sarah to be upset with me. I wasn't processing anything else in my mind at that moment.

"Just leave me alone Terry"

And just like that, she walked away. We did go home together. But I was constantly about ten steps behind her. I hated myself. I was just too furious to think.

Mother asked us about our evening. She said it was fine and that she was tired with all the walking and she was going to lie down for a while. I did not know what to do. I just sat down with some book and played the entire evening in my head again.

I had kissed my cousin. That much was obvious. But slowly I understood the gravity of the situation. I would have to live with this shame for the rest of my life. Whenever I saw her -- which was everyday -- I would have to relive the entire scene again. Oh this was horrible. To have kissed her was bad enough, but to relive that again and again and again was even worse. Whenever she saw me, she would think of what a pervert I had been. She would resent me.

And what would mother and dad say if they came to know. They would surely disown me. And Father James, after all the moral lessons he had taught us every Sunday, if he knew what I had done, what would he say? What would he think of me? Would he forgive? Would God forgive me?

This was all just too much to bear. I did not know what to do and I did not know what to think. I just sat there all evening without thinking about anything. I just held the book in my hand and to this day, I can't remember what book it was.

Finally, it was bedtime. I went into the room fearing that she would be awake and angry. Thankfully she was asleep and I quietly climbed to my bed. As sleep overpowered me, I just hoped that I'd never have to wake up again.

Unfortunately, I did wake up the next day and felt just as horrible. Sarah was nowhere to be found. I asked mother and she said that Sarah was out on a walk. That was strange but I was almost relieved. I didn't have to face her for some more time.

Eventually, the inevitable happened. We were alone and had to talk this out. It was a little past eleven in the morning when she asked me if I could see her in the room. I went in.

"I'm sorr---" I began

"Don't talk. Just listen" she sternly said; and continued

"Till yesterday Terry, I didn't think a lot about you. I saw you just as a person who shared his room with me. But, after what you said yesterday while walking to the lake, I thought that we could be friends. And whatever you did yesterday -- even the kiss -- was to cheer me up. So, don't think too much about it."

I couldn't believe my ears. From what she said, it seemed as though she was forgiving me. I wanted to be sure though.

"Does this mean you are not mad at me?" I asked

"I'm not mad at you Terry, all is forgiven and for what it's worth, I did like your kiss. So, don't worry about it." she said as she walked away.

I was dumbfounded here. Not only had she forgiven me, she even liked my kiss. What was that supposed to mean? Did she want it to happen again? Did she like me?

Again, I did what I always did best. I refused to think about it.

Sarah's behavior though, did change after that. Not when someone was around. And not vastly either. She would smile for a second longer than usual. She would just sit a little closer to me than before. Not huge changes; but changes nonetheless.

We went to the lake a lot after that. And we always walked with our hands held together. That was something that had changed. We seemed to be holding our hands together whenever we were alone.

One night, while sleeping on our beds, Sarah asks

"Don't you have a girlfriend Terry?"

I was taken aback a little, but said

"Nah. I did go out with a few girls. But I'm not seeing anyone now."

"I'm not seeing anyone either, obviously."

"You'll find someone. Just go out more often" I quipped

For quite a few days I'd been wondering if Sarah liked me. I wanted to know. So, I made up my mind, gathered as much courage as possible, and went

"Did you like the kiss the other day?"

There. I had asked it. But she did not reply immediately. A few seconds of agonizing silence and then she said

"I guess. I really could not tell. Maybe, if it lasted a little while longer, I could give you an accurate answer"

That was it. I knew she liked me. She couldn't have asked for a kiss in a clearer way. It was now or never. I climbed down, she saw me and got up. I sat down beside her on her bed.

"We can fix that, can't we?" I said.

I was scared, nervous and excited at the same time. I never would have guessed that these feelings went together. But, I closed my eyes and leaned in with..... just hope, really.

Sure enough, her lips met mine and we were kissing.

First consensual kiss.

It wasn't a raging kiss which left us breathless. It was more of a gentle kiss. A kiss that reaffirmed the belief that we liked each other. I wrapped my arms around her back and I've got to tell ya it was magical. I wasn't all that experienced but I could tell why people liked it. Our lips danced with each other like couples do on a ball night. I can faintly remember the 'The Danny Thomas Show' theme song running in the background. We never opened our mouth during the kiss and when she pulled away, for a brief moment I was scared. But to my relief, she said

"You're a good kisser Terry. Gentle, slow and not demanding. You'll be very good at it with a little practice."

It took me a moment to realize that the excuse for the kiss was feedback on my kissing skills.

"Thanks" I said meekly.

I also slowly dawned on me that she had said that I needed more practice. This wasn't a one-time thing. Oh no it wasn't. She wanted this to go on and that was the best thing I'd ever heard.

"Well, when shall we practice again? Now's a good time for me, ya know. I really don't have much to do"; those were the stupidest sentences to come out of my mouth, ever.

She laughed a little.

"Not now. We'll see. When time permits, I'll tell ya", she said suppressing her laugh.

I felt like a total idiot, but I was happy... and horny.

I excused myself and went to the bathroom and as I walked away from her, I could see her looking at the bulge in my pants. I was beyond embarrassed but I was hornier still. I went to the bathroom. Knowing that my cousin knew I was hard added to the excitement as I masturbated and I came very quickly. It was the biggest load I'd ever blown.

I came back and saw that Sarah wasn't asleep yet. She looked at my face, then at my dick and finally looked up and smiled. I think she knew what I was up to.

This became a routine gradually. Before we went to bed, we'd kiss. I would go to the bathroom and jerk off and come back to see Sarah smiling at me. She taught me how to use my tongue and that was an entirely different level of experience.

One night, after our kissing session, I was about to go to the bathroom when Sarah asked

"Why do you go to the bathroom every day after we kiss?"

I didn't know what to say, and I went

"To pee?"

She giggled and said

"Well, I know you jerk off. I don't mind it if you do it on your bed ya know. I won't see anything. Its ok."

I looked at her and then proceeded to lift my jaw that had dropped to the ground. If I still argued that I peed every night after kissing her, I would lose an opportunity to jerk off in her presence. I had no intention of doing that. However, I did not want to accept without any resistance like a needy bastard. So I said

"Well, the bed makes a noise when I .... you know...jerk... masturbate."

She burst into laughter. In-between her laugh she asked

"That... That is your biggest problem? That the cot makes a noise?"

I felt like the student who had blurted out something so silly that even the teacher could not stop laughing.

"I did not want to disturb you ya know. And I thought you would not approve of it" I said, almost defensively.

"Well... it won't disturb me and no, I don't mind you jerking off. Its natural. Its healthy and there's nothing wrong about it."

"So... I'll just climb on my bed now?" I asked

"Yeah.... And do your business. Don't mind me" she said.

I climbed on to my bed with my cock ready to burst. I lay there and Sarah chimed in

"I don't hear the cot making any noise"

"I haven't begun yet" I said.

I started pumping my cock and I thought of my cousin on the same bed listening to me. I did not last long at all. I was spurting cum within a minute. The noise subsided as well.

"That did not take long. You spend more time in the bathroom usually" she enquired.

"I was a... there was.... I think it's the change of setting... I don't know" I said, stammering.

The real reason was that I was too excited knowing that Sarah, my cousin, was there listening to me pleasure myself. I cleaned myself and went to sleep, happy with the way the direction in which all this was heading.

A few days brought no change to our routine. We would kiss on her bed and then I'd climb to my bed and jerk off. I did last longer though. The only girl I now thought of was Sarah as I masturbated.

One hot night though, when I came to our room, I observed that Sarah looked different. She always undressed after we kissed. But today, she was already in her night gown. It was simple white, knee-length gown and she wore nothing underneath. I could clearly make out the shape of her breasts. I was a b cup and it hugged her gown tightly. I could see her nipples protruding from the dress. I was so mesmerized that I did not know that she had caught me ogling her breasts.

"Snap out of it Terry" she said in a mock-angry tone.

"Sorry. I was jus..."

"Staring at your sister's breasts?" she was toying with me.

"Well, you look beautiful and if I see something that I like, I can't help myself" I said boldly.

"I'm glad you like them Terry"

We then kissed and I climbed on my bed to jack off. Before I could start though, the bed started squeaking a bit. I was shocked. Sarah was masturbating. Surely, that was the only explanation. Just as I was about to peep, she said

"Don't look" she was serious.

"Are you jerking off Sarah?"

"Yes, its been ages since I've done it. You don't mind, do ya?" she asked

"Not at all. I jerk off here. Why would I ask you not to do it?" I was never going to ask her to stop doing it.

"Are you doing it too Terry?" she asked. Soft moans escaped her mouth.

"Not yet"

"Jerk off Terry, do it with me." The moans were louder now.

I needed no further invitation. I began stroking my iron-hard cock.

We were quiet after that. I came within seconds. After a few "ooh"s and "aah"s , Sarah came too. We cleaned ourselves up and went to sleep.

The next night I was feeling adventurous. So, while we were masturbating, I asked Sarah:

"What are you thinking of Sarah?"

A few moments of silence ensued.

"Actually, I'm thinking of you. I'm thinking of you holding your cock as I finger myself Terry" she said.

I was determined not to cum too quickly today. I wanted this to last as long as it could.

"I'm thinking of you too Sarah. I'm thinking of your breasts as you put your fingers in you."

She was loud by now. I was almost panting.

"You want to know what I'm doing Terry?" she asked

"God yes. Yes. Tell me what you're doing" I was ecstatic and I was just about to cum. I stopped myself. Not today. I couldn't cum too early today.