It was a strange day.
All day I felt like I was out of step, and I wished I could have stood still and let the world catch up with me, or run as fast as I could and try to get back to my normal life, but I was stuck in a jumbled, crazy day, full of mistakes and surprises, accidents and coincidences, and as it wore on, as the long school day kept getting longer, I told myself that I could get through it, that everything would be fine, things would return to normal and I would be back to my old boring life in no time.
I was wrong. The day, and my life, was going to get stranger.
After finally escaping school I went to my sister Sara's apartment. She works afternoons but she gave me a key, telling me I could go there anytime I wanted - which was pretty much every day. Her apartment was a haven for me, and it was taste of the future; there was only a matter of months before I finished high school, and then I would leave for college, look for a nice little place like my sister's apartment, and start living my life. Sara is four years older than me and her life seems perfect. Everything about her is perfect. She's the best sister in the world.
I let myself into her apartment, put down my bag and took off my coat. All I needed was some quiet, I thought to myself, a chance to relax and let things return to normal. I headed toward the kitchen to make myself some tea, but then I heard a noise. Was Sara home? I walked down the hall. There were sounds coming from her bedroom. I nudged open the door.
Sara was home. She was with a guy. They were on her bed, naked. She was on her hands and knees and he was behind her, pumping his hips.
She saw me. "Oh, hey Jen," my sister said to me in a heavy voice. "What - what time is it?"
"Sorry," I said, and closed the door. Then I said, "It's four o'clock."
I am such an idiot. What was I thinking? If you hear noises coming from a bedroom there's only one logical thing it could be. Why did I have to walk in there and see that?
In a daze I went back to the kitchen and started making my tea. I knew my sister wouldn't be upset with me - she has always been open about sex. Sara is very beautiful, much prettier than me, and she is perfectly comfortable with her body. It probably didn't bother her in the least, me walking in on her like that. Still, how embarrassing can you get? Now I was stuck with the image of some guy fucking my sister.
And I couldn't get the image out of my mind. The dark bedroom. The two figures on the bed. The rhythm of their bodies. Sara's long hair spilling over her shoulders. Her breasts, so full and round, swaying under her. Her body rocking back against her lover. Her face looking up at me as I stood in the doorway.
What would have happened if I hadn't closed the door, if I had stayed and watched? I imagined kneeling down by the bed, touching my sister's hair and looking into her eyes. What would her breasts feel like as they swung with the movement of her body? What would her lips feel like as her breath came faster? If I took off my clothes, watching my sister having sex, if I got on the bed, the guy still thrusting into her, if I opened my legs in front of her, would she...?
God, my face was burning. What was happening to me?
I took a long sip of tea. For some time I'd been aware of my feelings about women. I wasn't ashamed, it was just hard to admit it - I'm a lesbian. Nobody knew, and I hadn't done anything about it. I was going to wait until college before I tried anything; it would be too uncomfortable, too strange in the town I grew up in. Waiting wasn't really a problem, although I couldn't help fantasizing sometimes.
But I had never thought of my sister in that way.
It was crazy. It was absurd. It was the result of too many hormones pumping through my body, I decided. I shouldn't take it seriously. It was a normal reaction to what I saw. Or an abnormal reaction - whatever.
I was standing in the kitchen, thinking these thoughts, when I heard the bedroom door opening and I suddenly realized - what was I still doing in her apartment? I should have left right away instead of making some tea. I really am an idiot. Now I would have to hide and hope that nothing more embarrassing happened.
"Aren't you going to introduce me to your sister?" I heard the guy ask as they walked out.
"I think she's embarrassed enough," Sara said.
"It was nice meeting you!" he yelled toward the kitchen.
My sister laughed. "Just go!" she said. I peeked around the corner and saw her pushing him out the door.
Sara walked into kitchen, looking happy. A little bit of red in her cheeks was the only sign of what she'd just been doing.
"I am so sorry," I said to her.
She waved away my apology. "No, I'm sorry. I got off work early to be with Greg and I just lost track of the time, it's later than I thought."
"But it was so stupid, walking in on you."
"Don't worry about it. We finished. Well, he finished - I'll finish later."
Do you see what I mean about being open about sex? But she shouldn't have said that about finishing later; it put another bad image in my head.
"Are you going to stick around?" my sister asked. "It's been a long time since we've just sat and talked."
I agreed. I poured her some tea and we went to the living room.