Carrie-Ann Felton died about three weeks after her daughter's birth. My grandfather was devastated, losing the love of his life just when everything seemed to be going so perfect. But he still had her, that small little girl that meant the world to his late departed wife and to him. After a few days of grief, he promised himself and his wife that he would do everything in his power to raise this girl, his daughter with as much love he could possibly give her.
And raising her he did, Mom blossomed into a beautiful young girl overtime, resembling her mother in so many ways. Mom was a 'shy beauty' according to my grandfather, spending most of her free time either with him or by herself. She did not have many friends at school which did bother my grandfather for a while, but he quickly accepted the fact that she was a bit of a loner, just like her mother was before she met him.
Mom loved to work at the farm, especially tending the animals which my grandfather kept. In general she always helped her father were she could, their bond together was something that could never be broken. Her other hobbies consisted of reading, painting and... Video games.
My grandfather was a huge enthusiast for new technologies, especially things that he could do himself. It was a rather funny side of him, almost childlike. Grandpa was a tall, strong, no-nonsense kind of person but when he got his hands on the first Atari home console he turned into a curious young boy once more.
And not only him, but also my mother was quickly attracted to the thoughts of being able to play your own adventures, although in a much simpler way back in those days, to be able to separate yourself from the struggles in the real world for a while to just enjoy yourself. This hobby of her would still be relevant until this very day.
At the young age of seventeen my mother got pregnant herself, pregnant with me. As shy as my mother was, she eventually found a bloke that seemed to be on the same line as her. After dating him for a while they were finally ready for 'that' stage in their relationship, and 'that' stage would change her life forever.
Mom had told me that my father was a scumbag, she knew that they both were in the wrong for not using any form of protection, but the fact that he claimed that he knew what he was doing and would be extra careful made everything even worse. He had the balls to 'accidentally' impregnate her but not the balls to take care of his child after he was confronted by my mother. One day he simply disappeared, not to be seen ever again.
My grandfather was furious, angry at his teenage daughter for throwing her young life away because of some scumbag boyfriend, which he would have strangled to death if he ever got his hands on him. Their relationship was on thin ice for a while, but my grandfather, as tough as nails as he was, could not stay mad at his only child, the daughter that he promised to raise up into a beautiful woman.
After a long and emotional talk with her they finally buried the hatchet, mother apologizing for the way she behaved and her father for lashing out at her in this difficult time for her. He would support her in every way he could, no matter what she chose to do. And Mom chose me, she would not run away from something that she was as just responsible for as the father was supposed to be.
And so I, Kevin Felton, was born twenty years ago on the same farm where my grandmother gave birth to my Mom. The whole happening was extra emotional for my grandfather, seeing his only daughter giving birth to a son without his wife by his side to support her. After Mom's birth my grandmother had told grandpa that she couldn't wait to see her own grandchildren in the future, not knowing that that would eventually never happen.
I grew up with the love of two very special people, my grandfather was more like a father to me, taking care of me while Mom did her studies at school, teaching me all kinds of things that my real father should have done. Mom used every free moment of time she got to be with me, over the years we had developed a very deep bond that still keeps on going strong till this very day. She would teach me how to tend the animals, help with my own school work, how to take care of myself and of course we played video games together, something that made her relax and take her out of her stressful life for a bit.
All that time we lived on the farm with grandpa, who insisted that we could stay there as long as we wanted. He enjoyed our presence around him, he had a smart, pretty and well-mannered daughter that would surely succeed in the future that kept his spirits up, and of course me, his grandson which to him felt like a child of his own. I often wondered what would happen if me and Mom would find a place of our own.
Eventually the day came that Mom and me moved out from grandpa's farm, she had found a small, two floor apartment closer to the city so she would be closer to her job as a graphic designer. She would be working from home and in an office.
Many tears were shed when the day came for us to leave, especially between my mother and grandfather. Though we wouldn't be living miles away from him, it did feel strange without having him around, and for him to not have us around.
After a few weeks of adjusting we finally found comfort within our new home. Mom enjoyed her new job and I enjoyed living together, just the two of us. When we both had free time we would always spend it together, I was just like Mom when she was my age, a bit of a loner at school. Our hobby regarding gaming evolved too, Mom and me played together more than ever before since it was just the two of us at home, it was the perfect thing for her to escape the struggles of the real world as she would tell me.
Of course we did not forget about my grandfather, we always tried to at least see each other once a week, we would go over to him or he would come over to our apartment.
Fast-forwarding a few years, I was now attending the same university my mother went to, and yes I still was a bit of a loner but I couldn't care less. Over the years spending time with Mom in our apartment made me realize what she truly meant to me, not only was she my mother but also my best friend, and every second spend with her was like a treasure for me.
Mom had climbed the ranks within the company she worked at as she was now one of the lead designers, this gave her the opportunity to work fulltime from home, only attending meetings once in a while. Just like how I felt about her, she also felt about me, I was her best friend and the person that knew her in and out. Seeing her bright smile every time I returned home was something I could never get enough from.
I once asked her if she would ever pick up dating again, which resulted in her giving me a stare that could spontaneous combust someone if she had super powers. She still had a difficult time with trusting men, relationship wise that is. Of course she had male friends but never a romantic fling, she told me that there were only two important men for her, one was me and the other my grandfather.
Everything seemed to go well for us, we were happy, my grandfather was happy. We finally were living a life that we had dreamed of. Until everything changed last month...
I was sitting in a lecture when Mom suddenly called me on my phone, something she never had done before. I excused myself to my professor, saying that it could be an emergency. As I picked up the phone I was confronted with my mother's sobbing, weeping voice. I could barely make out what she tried to tell me, she was panicking and her words just seem to not come out right. The only things I could hear were 'dad' and 'grandpa'. I knew something bad was going and decided to go home as fast as I could, my professor understood me and allowed me to leave.
When I came home I was let in into our apartment by one of Mom's close colleagues and friends, apart from me she had also called her. I could hear Mom crying hard when I stepped though the front door, pumped up by adrenaline I quickly reached her in the living room.
When Mom saw me she started crying even harder, she leapt out of her chair and rushed into my arms, hugging me like she never hugged me before. I felt a lump in my throat as I held her, watching her cry. It truly broke my heart seeing her like this.
As I held Mom and comforted her, her colleague returned to our side and told me everything that had happened. What she told me resulted in my own tears running down my cheeks.
My grandfather had suffered from a heart attack out of nowhere, a heart attack that ended up being fatal. His longtime neighbors had found him in the barn of the farm between the animals, they came searching for him after he did not show up to their appointment and did not respond to their calls. My grandfather had died all alone, without ever seeing the two people dearest to him again.
The news hit Mom the hardest, of course it affected me too, but my grandfather always had told me to be strong for her if something ever happened to him. Mom kept saying that it was her fault for not spending more time with him, that she was the one that caused it. I was still in shock myself so the only thing I could do at that moment was to hold her tighter to me, telling her that everything was going to be alright.
A few days later was his funeral, and to my surprise a lot of people showed up to it. I knew he was a beloved person around the place where he lived but I had never guessed that so many people would attend. Mom tried her best to hold a speech, only to succumb to her sadness in tears. So I took over her place and held a long speech about what my grandfather, her father meant to us. He was then laid to rest, next to his beloved wife Carrie-Ann.
Even after the funeral Mom's mental health kept on spiraling down. Her work became sloppy, she forgot to cook our meals when it was her turn, she forgot to do house chores and the worst of all, she started to became distant to me. Mom was still living with the regret of not being there for him when she needed to be, but was that really true?
Mom and I were always there for him, just like he was always there for us. I personally thought that this whole phase had to do with something from her past. I knew that during the beginning of her pregnancy with me that they didn't see eye to eye for a while. Maybe it was a bit farfetched but I certainly knew that something was bothering her.
Finally, after a week or two I managed, with the help of some of Mom's colleagues, to get her to seek help from a psychiatrist, someone who could listen to her and determine what possibly was going on in her head. And this... This is where our story starts.
*****
"And that... That's about it Ms. Lorenz... I think I pretty much covered everything." Spoke Caroline quietly, wiping away her tears.
Ms. Lorenz nodded to her and scribbled something down on her clip board.
"Caroline... Please call me Lenora, okay? I like to speak with my patients on first base." She said.
Caroline looked up to her and gave her a little smile. "Okay... Lenora."
Lenore smiled back at her before resuming her talk. "From what you told me I can pretty much figure out what's holding you back from moving on with your life Caroline. The reason why you feel so bad and different after your father passed away."
Caroline waited patiently for her to resume talking, her hands were trembling a bit out of nervousness.
"There is a part of you that can't accept that he, your father, has passed away. I understand that he was the sole person that took care of you throughout your life, even when your son was born he kept on taking care of you and him, like he was his own child too. Your father had always been someone you could share your secrets with, to tell all of your problems, to seek advice from, to be with when you felt lonely and someone who would never stop loving you." Resumed Lenora.
Lenore took Caroline's hands into her own, holding her gently as Caroline quietly sobbed again.
"You don't need to have any regrets Caroline, your father was happy, proud of you, proud of how you evolved into a beautiful young woman and a strong mother. Don't think that him passing away had anything to do with you, you know that you always loved him and that you always were there for him just like he was there for you. But, you got to let it go Caroline, you know that he wants you to remain strong, not only for yourself but also for your son." Said Lenora.
Caroline sniffed once before wiping her tears away, she then slowly nodded her head, agreeing with everything Lenora had said.
"Speaking of your son, you told me that your father had told him when you two moved out that he was now 'the man of the house', right? Think about him Caroline, his grandfather gave him his blessing and now he has to witness how you get more depressed each and every day. I bet the boy feels bad too, for him to not be able to reach out to his mother, to comfort her in the time she needs him the most, it must break his heart." Resumed Lenora once more.
"I... I think I understand what you told me Lenora... I have to stop grieving over my father's death... I have to be that strong woman, that strong mother, his strong daughter again that he was so proud of... Not only for myself but also for my son." Said Caroline with a teary grin after being silent for a few seconds.
