Learning the Art of Love
In May of 2000, one week after my twentieth birthday; I married Martin Echert. He was handsome and dashing, he swept me off my feet, and to me life was perfect. We had a son in January 2001; he hated Billy even when he was young; but didn't want to be called William, that was his father's name. When he saw Men in Black for the first time he announced he name was Will Echert, and it's been Will ever since.
Fast forward twenty years, it was May of 2020, two weeks after my birthday and a couple of months into COVID; and I was now divorced from Martin Echert. It wasn't something I expected or wanted, but in some ways I should have seen it coming. Martin's reason for filing divorce was irreconcilable differences, in the bedroom.
I had been raised in a pretty traditional Christian home. Sex was known but private; while enjoyable it was something sacred between married couples; done late at night in the privacy of their bedroom. This only intensified for me the older I got, and the more Will became a growing young man. The last thing I wanted was for my son to discover about sex by catching his parents in the act.
It seemed Martin had aged down a different path. One that included a twenty-two year old secretary who loved being screwed on his desk in the middle of a work day, and who gave him blowjobs while they drove to conferences. I should have seen the signs, working late; too many conferences; I don't know maybe even lipstick on his collar. But to be honest I never looked; it didn't occur to me. I was happy and content and I assumed Martin was as well. I was wrong.
In April, one moth into quarantine and Martin packed his bags and walked out of the house. He said if he was going to be in quarantine then it would be with a woman who made life 'fun'. I was devastated and heartbroken, especially since I considered our life so perfect. The divorce wasn't really very messy or long; Martin didn't even fight the fact he had been having an affair for over a year. He simply said he couldn't be married to a 1960's prudish wife in the twenty-first century.
I got the house and the car; and of course the floral shop I had inherited from my parents. Martin took a large part of the savings and simply walked out the door.
Will, being of age; had a choice of where he wanted to live and he decided to stay with me since he was attending university near our home. The strange thing was, through the revelations and divorce; Will said very little about his father. I suspect he had known about the infidelity but had said nothing.
With the lockdown now pretty much in full swing, by June I was getting a lot more time at home. While I didn't mind being alone, it had the unsettling effect of making me think. What had gone wrong; what could I have done different? All those horrible questions a jilted woman always asks herself.
It was obvious from what he had said that Martin was unhappy, but it all seemed to focus in the bedroom. During the divorce I had discovered that he had been having affairs for the last five or seven years. He visited strip clubs, he had flings with co-workers; he even hired a hooker on one occasion. Martin did not hide the fact that his one point of difference was simply sex.
This got me to thinking about sex; and how I approached it. Was I ugly, I wondered; I didn't think so? Was I repressed; I didn't believe I was. But hearing all the things Martin had said; had planted kernels of doubt in my mind.
By mid June I had more questions than answers; and with Will spending the summer break around the house so much from COVID; my innocent mind saw him as a possible source of information. I waited until later in the evening, I was in the living room when he walked through with a snack, heading back to his room. I called him over and asked him to sit on the couch.
"Listen, I know this is a tough subject" I told him. "But there is something I need to know." I said.
Will just sat and stared at me waiting. I didn't know how else to broach the subject, so I took a deep breath; and leapt off the cliff.
"Did you know about your father and...and...?" I stuttered.
"You mean did I know he was screwing other women" Will interjected. "The answer is yes" he said.
"Will" I was shocked; but I wasn't sure if it was because he knew, or how he put it so bluntly.
Will seemed to interpret it was the latter as he shook his head and set the chip bag o the coffee table.
"Look mom" Will aid patiently. "It's not 1950; if you want to fuck a girl or guy then go for it; you don't have to be married to have sex today."
"Will" I choked out at his language.
"That was dad's beef to be honest" Will said quietly. "You need to loosen up, get with the times. Sex isn't just about fucking in the missionary position in the dark anymore" he said so calmly. "It's blowjobs in the parking lot and cowgirl by the pool." He smiled.
"Lord save me" I whispered.
I was shocked at how he could be so vulgar and yet so calm at the same time. Yet, his words resonated inside me, my stomach doing a strange flip that I immediately squashed down.
"That's the problem mom, you are saved" he said. "Because you are saved, you can't be free for anyone else." He told me.
"Your father and I...made love..." I tried to defend myself.
"That's just it mom, you made love" Will shook his head again. "This isn't about making love; this about fucking." I was stunned at his words.
"Honestly you are the biggest dichotomy I have ever seen" he shook his head.
"Dichotomy; I don't understand." I asked.
"It's when two things are present at the same time but they are total opposites." Will explained.
"You are one of the hottest, sexiest women I know" Will continued as I sat there in silence. "You have a killer body that just screams to be fucked. But you have the mindset of an Amish mother of ten" he said in a sad voice.
"Look, I think I've already said too much" Will rose from the couch. "I'm going back to my room." He said softly.
I just sat there mute as I watched him climb the stairs. I got up from the couch, my mind a jumble, and turned off the television. I was still thinking of the things Will had said as I prepared for bed. I had undressed in the bathroom and was walking across the bedroom to my dresser to get my nightgown when movement caught my eye off to the side. Glancing over I saw the door to the closet was half open and what I had seen was my reflection in the full length dressing mirror that hung on the inside of the door.
I stopped, Will's words ringing in my ears and slowly walked over. Easing the door open I watched as the mirror filled with my reflection. I knew it was pride, something I shouldn't have; but I had worked hard the last number of years to try and stay in shape and be healthy. What looked back at me didn't look bad at all.
Oh my thighs were a bit heavier than I wanted, and I couldn't seem to rid myself of that little pooch of post baby fat that clung to my tummy. But my hips were trim; and my belly basically flat as I ran a palm over my skin. My breasts weren't huge, a modest 34C, but there wasn't a lot of sag and they seemed to be holding firm for having just turned forty.
Two words slipped through my mind as I stared back at myself; hot and sexy; wasn't that what Will had said. One hand slid up my side as I watched, until it cupped one breast.
"Mmmmmm" I murmured softly as the fingers brushed over my hardening nipple.
This was so wrong, so very wrong; part of my mind screamed. Will's last words rang in my head as my other hand slowly slid down my belly. He had called it a body screaming to be fucked, I thought.
"Oh my "I gasped as I slid one finger along my damp folds.
How could I be wet? This was wrong, this was self pleasure; no decent woman... I stopped that train of thought in mid progress. No, no decent Amish woman you prude; I thought. Do it, part of me screamed; and before I could hesitate, I slid one finger into my wet channel.
"Ohhhhhhhhh" I moaned as that digit slid deeper.
Pleasure, pure raw pleasure ripped through my body. It was stunning and mind boggling to me that a simple finger could create such an intense feeling of pleasure. Then, with horror, I realized what I was doing. I jerked my hand back and stared at myself.
"You're getting lonely in your old age" I said to the image in the mirror.
I retrieved my nightgown, and turning off the lights I slipped into bed. What confused me the most was that intense level of pleasure. How could something that felt so good, be so wrong? I knew that before any man would want me; I needed to want me.
For the next few days I warred with myself about what to do. I felt this had been the focus of Martins leaving, that in a way it wasn't that I had done something that drove him away; but that I had NOT done something. Twice more, in the privacy of my bedroom, I used my fingers to gently explore. New sensations coursed over my body, and each time I felt them overwhelming me, I pulled back.
I finally reached the point where I needed to reach out again. The problem was I wasn't a very social person; and I didn't work in an office where I had co-workers I could turn to. With COVID it wasn't like I could go sit down with a therapist; so I turned back to the one person who; while vulgar and blunt, had been honest...Will.
I waited until late evening again, and as was his usual routine Will descended from his man cave of a room to retrieve a late night snack. I called him over to the couch again; and I could see the concern on his face as he sat down.
"Look, I'm not used to speaking about...this" I told him. "But, you were honest last time and I appreciate that." I gave a weak smile.
"OK" Will seemed to ease his tension a bit.
"I want to ask some things; about...you know...about..." I stumbled again.
"About sex" he said calmly.
"I'm sorry" I said but nodded my agreement. "This isn't easy for me" I said softly.
"You" Will chuckled. "Think about it, my mom is asking me for sex advice."
"Lord help me" I sighed.
"Go ahead and ask" he smiled.
"OK" I took a deep breath. "Do you...uhhh...for yourself...do you...relieve your..." I tried to get the words out.
"You're asking if I masturbate" Will said calmly.
"Yes" I choked out.
"Every day" he replied instantly.
"What? You do it that often?" I looked at him shocked.
"Sometimes more honestly" he nodded.
"How?" I was so shocked the word just slipped out.
"Well guys have it a bit easier" Will laughed. "We just..." he made a fist and pumped it up and down in the air.
I knew my face had to be beet red by this time, but my curiosity was getting the better of me. The more we talked the less tension I felt inside.
"Don't you feel guilty?" I asked in awe.
"I used to, when I was little and my mother told me it was a sin" he stared at me.
