Just A Touch Away Pt.1
Sometimes little things go unnoticed and big opportunities are lost, leaving only questions in the mind that haunt for a lifetime. Janelle had taken to -- as if by some tacit invitation -- touching, holding or patting me on the arms, shoulders or back while talking, or holding onto to me as if for support whenever she was laughing heartily -- it was happening with increasing frequency. I don't know about other cultures, but this is a common peculiarity among West Indian Women; they do this with each other all the time. The thing is, I am not a West Indian woman; I'm a West Indian man, and Janelle was my daughter-in-law. She was also six months pregnant and had been living with us for the past four months, ever since my son foolishly got himself into trouble with the law and would be spending the next four years behind bars.
She had immediately asked me and my wife, Audrey to take her in and had given up their apartment days after my son had begun serving his sentence. She was a welcomed freshness to our home, being pretty, smart and funny, and had always got along well with Audrey and our daughter, Miriam, who is a few years younger than she is. Janelle was twenty six at the time and taught at a government primary school.
I liked Janelle a great deal and enjoyed the easy closeness we shared ever since my son first introduced her to me three years ago; we liked the same things and held similar opinions about social and political issues. When she first started the touching, it seemed quite innocent because she was like that with my wife and daughter too... just a habit, I thought. But then I noticed it was being done only when we were out of view of the others. I found myself liking it as much as I liked her.
What I didn't like or didn't want to like was the accompanying pleasurable tingle that ran through me when her soft hands contacted my body. I'm a loyal and principled kind of guy and would never dream of inappropriate behaviour with my son's woman, but there was no denying... the girl, big belly and all, was turning me on. It took a lot of willpower to keep myself from even thinking about crossing the line, even though I could see the big meaning in those little touches and I'm generally, not one to let certain opportunities get lost. I've never liked wondering... what if?
As the days went by and the intimacy grew it seemed like we were sharing a secret that we both enjoyed but preferred not to openly acknowledge. By the time she was close to seven months with child, her stomach had grown huge, more so than the normal bigness for a first timer, and she would sometimes jokingly hold on to me or my wife and daughter as she moved about and would occasionally solicit help when climbing the stairs to go to her bedroom. I enjoyed the feel of her ripe body against mine when helping her. She had the softest, smoothest, baby-like mid-brown skin that simply oozed sensuality. She would often, in a whisper accompanied by a touch, thank me and remark on how kind and caring I was to her. I soon found myself living for those little touches.
One afternoon when she came home from work before the others, she looked so exhausted that without her asking, I offered to help her up the stairs. At her door she said:
"Oh, I'm sooo tired!"
"Tired, but still sooo beautiful," I replied, chucking.
"Me, Beautiful?... with this big belly in front of me!" she uttered, clearly flustered and blushing.
"Precisely because of that big belly," I countered.
Laughing, and gripping both my hands, she said, "So, I wasn't beautiful before?"
"Of course, you were... Aw, you know what I mean... The pregnancy has just given you an extra glow."
"Oh, I see. Well, thanks dad... I needed to hear that. Lately I've been thinking that I look rather haggard and unattractive," she said, squeezing my arms firmly.
"You could never look unattractive... even if you try."
She blushed, gave me a quick, close hug and a little peck on the cheek and walked into her room.
"And you will forever be handsome," she cried out as she quickly closed the door.
I stood outside her door for a while, wondering if I should knock on it, but then asked myself what the hell I was thinking, and hurried away.
The next day we were once again alone at home; it being Saturday morning and my wife and daughter had earlier left for town to do some shopping. Janelle asked me to help her up the stairs. She laughingly exclaimed about what an invalid she'd become. I told her not to worry, because I was there to help her whenever she needed. She hugged me tightly, her big belly pressing into my midsection, sending a tremor and familiar heat through me. I mentally rebuked my manhood for its immediate response to Janelle's embrace but felt the need to comfort her, so I placed one hand around her and used the other to gently pat her back and stroke her hair. I told her to go lie down and get some rest and leaned over to kiss her cheek, but she turned her head at the same moment and somehow our lips met.
Neither one of us removed our lips and instinctually, it seemed, both tongues made a forward move and just like that we were enjoying a really intimate kiss that might have gone on for a long time had I not broken it off after about six seconds.
I pulled away and cried out, "Oh damn... I'm so sorry Janelle... I shouldn't have done that... I didn't mean to. I was going to kiss your cheek, but then you moved at the same time... the rest was purely instinctual."
"It's alright dad, I understand. I was also attempting to kiss your cheek," She said, chuckling softly, but looking down as if ashamed or confused.
"It's not alright, I never should have done that, I crossed the line, even though It was not planned or intended... please forgive me, baby," I pleaded, really feeling like shit.
"There's nothing to forgive, it was an accident, don't be beating up on yourself dad... and it takes two to kiss... I didn't pull away my lips... if there's to be any blaming, then we'll have to share it... an accident occurred, and we both acted instinctually. Now let's just put it behind us, okay?"
She turned and walked into her room.
"Thanks," I said weakly.
"Same here," she replied.
But then, with hand on the door, she turned around and looked at me with slightly wet eyes. And as if employing a mighty effort to get something off her mind, her lips trembled, and she spoke:
"I really don't know what's happening to me lately, dad... the way I'm feeling... the thoughts I've been thinking... especially in light of my present status, you know... I'm pregnant... the baby's father, your son, is in prison... and... mom, she's so nice to me... yet I'm letting myself get carried away with impossible thoughts... it's all so strange... and a bit frightening... it seems wrong but yet feels so right... and so nice... oh, I don't know."
"I understand Janelle... It happens to all of us sometimes... it's happening to me now too... feelings that are wrong and shouldn't be allowed to grow, but the will to turn away is just not there... maybe with time everything will work out for the best."
We stood looking into each other's eyes, then she smiled weakly, turned away and closed the door.