Tears were rolling down my face as I slid uncomfortably into the much too small car. Sitting there was almost painful, not so much from the awkward position I was forced into, but because the car was a gift from my boyfriend Tom. Well, my ex-boyfriend at that point. We had been dating since I graduated high-school and now, four years later, it was all gone. I knew at that point the car had to go and soon. I didn't need another constant reminder of the man that broke my heart: his child growing inside my womb would be plenty.
The drive to my mother's house was short though I cried the whole way there. It wasn't until I heard the sounds of the doorbell echoing throughout the two-story palace that I was able to finally control my emotional outburst. All that changed, however, when the door opened.
"Hey, Jesse," my brother Billy said, "How's it...you're crying. What's wrong?"
I couldn't help myself. The sight of Billy rekindled the fire of my emotional pain and my sobbing renewed. Maybe I was just disappointed at not seeing my mother, or maybe I was just angry at all men. I don't know, though I'm sure, whatever the reason, it wasn't the later because before I knew, I had unwittingly thrown myself into Billy's arms, hugging him closely and crying into his shoulder.
I needed comforting, the kind only a mother could provide. But she wasn't here, it was only Billy. I held onto my brother for an eternity before he walked the two of us into the house.
I don't remember exactly, but Billy somehow managed to bring me to the couch where we sat together.
"What's wrong, Jesse?" he asked again.
There was true and honest concern in his voice. It lifted my spirit, though not very much. It did, however, give me the strength to speak. I didn't let go of him, I barely stopped crying, but I spoke.
"Tom left me," I said.
"He what?" Billy's concern had turned to what seemed to be shock or maybe anger. But I still had my strength.
"He left me, said it just wasn't working out between us any longer."
"Not working out? You're pregnant with his kid for Christ's sake." It was undeniable that Billy's tone was anger. It comforted me in a strange, unique way, just knowing he was angry. That comfort wasn't enough though because at the mention of my unborn child I was sent spiraling down into my depression again. My sobbing picked up as intense as ever.
"Hold me, Billy, just hold me," I somehow managed to say. The pain growing deep inside me was more then I thought any one person could bare and I needed to feel loved. I needed to feel wanted.
Billy didn't speak anymore, he just held tightly onto me, rocking gently and running his fingers through my hair.
**********
One of the oddest feelings I've ever experienced has to be waking up in a strange place. Not so much strange though as unexpected. It's even worse when you don't remember going to sleep. But I did fall asleep, I must have because I distinctly remember waking up. All around me I felt a pulsating warmth that turned out to be one of my mother's old comforters. It wasn't pulsating, obviously, but my still-sleeping conscience mind made me believe it was.
I lay there on my side with my legs curled up as far as my ever expanding belly would allow. I couldn't explain why, but I felt very safe at that moment: even my tears were a distant memory. I savored the secure feeling for hours, days. Or maybe it was just a few minutes. Time had no meaning for me then. It wasn't until I heard the house's front door close that my dream-like trance had been ended.
"Morning," Billy said as he walked into the living room. "How'd you sleep?"
"Morning? What time is it?" I asked. Time had abandoned me, and I was honestly confused.
"It's nine-thirty in the morning. You fell asleep there on the couch last night so I went and pulled your favorite comforter from Mom's linen closet and spread it out over you. I wanted to wake you for dinner, but you seemed so peaceful. You don't mind do you?"
"No," I said, "that's fine." I may have become aware of Time again, but my confusion failed to let go of me. After I asked Billy to hold me, my memory is blank. I guess I fell asleep shortly afterwards. The whole idea left an odd taste in my mouth.
"I didn't think you'd ever wake up," Billy said with his patented, glowing smile. Even on the coldest day of December that smile would warm even the darkest of hearts. I know it lifted mine. "You're just in time for breakfast. You want to go into the kitchen, or eat it here?"
"Let's go into the kitchen, I need to stretch any ways. Think you can help me up?"
The transformations my body was going through during these first eight months of pregnancy left me quite speechless at times. I had been extremely fit before I started carrying the child and at twenty-two years old, I felt I was young enough to take the entire nine months in an easy stride. Was I ever wrong!
By the time the third trimester was coming to an end, my body didn't seem its own anymore. My breasts had mutated into what I could only describe as sagging, milking bags. They weren't sagging, in all honesty, but they sure as hell weren't as firm as they had been, even though they had grown quite a bit. Even muscles I didn't know I had were sore constantly, but nothing was more painful then my back. Every day, my back hurt more and more. It was horrendous.
But all of it, the over-sized and over-sensitive breasts, the leg cramps, the back pain, everything would have been fine if it wasn't for my tummy: it was huge. My belly had grown more then seemed possible. I knew why though, and the idea of giving birth brought me immense joy, but it wasn't being pregnant that depressed me, it was how I looked pregnant. I felt hideous, fat. Sometimes I would even cry at the sight of myself naked in the shower. And having a boyfriend that wouldn't so much as look in your direction didn't help either.
Billy helped me up with ease and we walked arm-in-arm into the kitchen. His smile was still glowing and it warmed me. At that moment, I was glad I found him here instead of my mother.
"Have a seat," he said, "I'll have some food ready in a second."
I sat down at the kitchen table and spoke to him. "So where were you so early?"
"Your place. Well, Tom's place I guess."
The color and expression must have drained from my face and Billy seemed to notice. "Don't worry, Jesse. I didn't say anything. He wasn't even there, I just went to get your stuff."
"My stuff? Why?"
"Yea. I figure if you're not with him any more, you'll need a place to stay. So you can just move in here for now. All your stuff is already up in your old room."
The color rushed back into my system and I smiled. "You're too sweet, you know that?"
Billy simply blushed.
"Wait a second," I said, "I didn't see you come in with anything."
"I had already finished when you woke up, I was just down closing the door."
"Oh."
The two of us talked for quite awhile longer while my brother made breakfast. I heard about his life and his plans now that he had graduated high-school. He listened to my story about Tom: how since he got me pregnant he wouldn't touch me, wouldn't look at me. How Tom had spent more and more time at work and less and less time around me even when he was home. How lonely I was with the distancing and how sad being in that house made me.
Billy had a superior sympathetic ear. Once I got on the subject of me, I just kept talking and talking, and all throughout breakfast he hung on my every word. Nodding, smiling, agreeing, but never interrupting, never changing the subject. I really felt he was totally immersed in everything I had to say and that alone was more refreshing then I could describe. A man (even if he was my brother) who was interested in me: fat, pregnant me. The thought made me smile.
**********
Billy and I spent the entire day together inside our mother's house. We watched movies together, we played cards together, but mostly we just talked with each other. Every conversation we had seemed to be better then the one before. I had always been close to my brother, but that day seemed to cement our relationship further. I learned all his dreams for the future and he listened to me bitch and complain about my life. Though towards the end of the day, I could think of fewer and fewer poor points of my life and felt myself starting to feed on his positive and uplifting attitude: it was contagious.
With the sun setting and Billy and I finishing our latest movie, we went into the kitchen again where he made us dinner. We picked up on a conversation about nothing in particular when all of a sudden it seemed, he asked me a question I couldn't answer. Not even to myself.
"So why did you come to see Mom yesterday?" He asked.
"Uh...to get her brownie recipe. Why do you think?" I said not even trying to hide the sarcasm in my reply.
"Funny. But she's in Cancun. Has been all week. Didn't you know that?"
That statement sent me reeling. My mother had been in Cancun all week, and I knew this. I knew too that Billy was watching the house for her. I sat silently at the kitchen table thinking. If I knew my mother was gone, why come here except to see my brother? I couldn't answer that, at least, not in a way that I wanted to accept. Before I could continue my internal argument though, Billy had changed the subject and the two of us didn't speak about it again for the remainder of the evening.
**********
"It's been awhile, you know. You do remember how to find your room, right?" Billy said after he had helped me up the stairs. It was his turn to be sarcastic and I think he enjoyed it.
I smiled. "Oh, heavens no. However will little ol' me find my little ol' room. What's a girl to do?"
Billy gave me a grin and a hug. Without releasing his light embrace he whispered into my ear.
"I know it's been rough," he said, "but if you need to talk, just come and get me. Anytime of the night. I'm just down the hall."
My embrace around Billy tightened for a brief moment and I kissed his cheek. When we had let go our eyes meet and I looked deep inside of him. My smile seemed to say "Thank you" and he smiled an "Anytime" back at me. With a quick squeeze of my hand he walked down the hall and into his room.
After he was out of my sight, I went to my room and found all my belongings piled neatly in the corner by the window. Apparently, Billy had already laid out my favorite extra-large sleep shirt. It had to be a coincidence that he picked my favorite, but the thought was still just as sweet. I dressed quietly while wearing a secret smile at the thought.
The moonlight from the clear sky above floated evenly into my bedroom and flooded it with a magical luminosity. Everything was glowing. Everything except my face, I imagine. The sight was beautiful and I was warm and comfortable in a secure place and the brother I loved very deeply was just down the hall. None of this made me happy. I was alone, but more then that I was lonely. Without a second though I struggled out of bed and made my way down the hall into Billy's room.
My brother was laying in bed staring at the ceiling. The shutters on his window were closed, but the moonlight fought with all its power to break through. Only a few rays had won against the wooden coverings and I found Billy's room to be dark except for the pale light bathing his bed, almost as if a spotlight had guided me towards my destination.
"You okay?" He said to me as I entered his room.
