It is a sad story, but one that happens all too often. I just never thought it would happen to me. I looked down at the casket. The sting of tears burned my cheeks as I tossed the rose in. I expected to see it float gently down. It landed with a thump. There is no magic in death, only death.
I looked over at Karen, my daughter's grandmother. She returned my gaze, stone faced. Once again I wondered if there was a human being behind that emotionless mask.
I looked around at those who had come. Most of them I recognized only vaguely, Julie's friends from school. Notably missing were her boyfriend, and her best friend. Their funerals had been yesterday. There were tears, and lost looks. Julie's band director and the school principal stood side by side near the minister. They both looked haggard. The toll of this disaster would run high.
I doubted anyone in the school was untouched, hell I doubted anyone in the town was untouched. Things like this just didn't happen, not in Greensboro anyway.
I looked down at the lever that would lower Julie into the ground. It was right in front of me. The minister nodded. I knew what I was supposed to do, but I couldn't. My hands wouldn't move.
I watched as the minister stepped up beside me and slowly lowered her into the ground. At the last moment I peeled the wedding ring from my hand. The one her mother had placed there nineteen years ago. The one I had worn even after the divorce four years ago. I looked around one last time, hoping to see Donna rushing up. She wasn't there. Not for Julie's sweet sixteen, not for her graduation, not even now.
I had forgiven her for it all, at Julie's request, but not this. Julie would forgive her, I was sure, but not me, there was no forgiveness left inside of me.
I dropped the ring. It struck the casket and rolled, circling around to a stop directly over Julie's heart. "Let Donna seek forgiveness here." I whispered, "From me she would find none. Not any more."
I knew I should wait and greet those who had come, but it wasn't in me. My heart and soul and all I cared for in this world lay at the bottom of that hole. Nothing and nobody mattered anymore. I turned and walked away into my own sort of darkness.
I got into my car and drove away. I thought about going to a bar. Drowning my sorrow in the bottle but that meant dealing with people, people who new what had happened and would want to offer their sympathy. That I couldn't take. I just wanted to get stupid drunk and forget, at least for a little while.
The house was dark. The spot where Julie's car should have been sat empty, the sign on the garage read "Julie's Space". I stared at it blankly. Karen's car was in the drive. I wondered how she had beat me home, then I remembered she rode with me. "I'm sure someone will give her a ride." I thought, as I walked into the house.
I went straight to the basement, to my office. My little get away. I had built it to get away from Julie and her friends when they played that new age music. I longed to hear that music now. I walked inside and closed the door.
Straight across the room I walked, not bothering to turn on the lights. I knew this room. I grabbed the bottle of Black Velvet off the shelf, considered a glass but decided against it. I slid down to the floor, opening the bottle as I did.
"Get drunk, yeah get drunk and the pain will go away" my mind screamed. I knew better but I took a long swig from the bottle anyway. And another. I searched for answers in the bottom of that bottle, but there were none, not even there.
I heard a voice in the darkness. My head ached terribly. I wondered how long I had been laying there. The bottle in my hand felt empty, but I wasn't sure. I lifted it to my lips. A few drops were all that was left. A faint light showed from the doorway, as I heard the voice again.
"Paul, Paul are you in here?"
A figure was standing next to me. I knew the voice, and the fragrance, like springtime. I looked upward. God my head hurt. "Donna, is that you? Donna, you're too late."
I felt the tears begin again as the figure knelt beside me. I felt her pull me to her breast. "It's gonna be alright." She said.