"Hey Lou," Claire answered the phone, I always like how cheerful she is. I know she does it for everyone, but it still made me feel good.
"Hey," I greeted her.
"Whats new?" she asked.
"I have a job interview next week. I'm actually pretty stressed right now," hearing myself say the words out loud made it all the more true, I
was
stressed.
"Woa. That's awesome. No need to stress, you'll do great."
"Well. About that. I have a favor to ask. I know you do job interviews at your work. Could you, like, help me prepare?"
"Delighted to help Louise. Would you like to do a mock interview this weekend?" Suddenly it sounded like I was talking to my manager!
"Ha Ha," I was impressed with her boss act, she is only a year or two older than me. Three or four years ago she was a pothead, skater girl. If she can learn to turn on this professional boss act then so can I, I wanted to learn from her, "that would be awesome! Thank you so much!"
"How about 2pm on Saturday?"
"Ya. Perfect," I agreed.
"We can do it at my place. Wear what you are going to wear to the real interview," she said.
I knew it was good advice. "Good idea." I was already excited about the new interview suit I had bought.
"Head to toe. Shoes, underwear, right down to your perfume," she added cheekily.
I let her mention of my underwear slide.
The thought occurred to me that it would be simpler if I didn't tell my boyfriend about his younger sister Claire helping me prep for the interview. He might get unnecessarily jealous, I want this job, I want to nail this interview and I don't want to have to explain or argue anything with him.
"Nice to meet you Louise. Thank you for coming," Claire stood in the open doorway, full on boss voice, calm and clear, she projected an air of 'trust me, everything is possible'. She looked the part too. Dark suit. Skirt. White blouse. Nice shoes. Hair in an updo, slightly severe. Ya. She looked great, power dresser. CEO. CE-HOE. I knew she wouldn't let me down. "Come in, come in, would you like a coffee?" she played the interview host convincingly.
I had put the effort in. Read loads of interview guides and notes. Feeling confident, enjoying the feel of my new suit, head to toe, and etc.
"Take a seat in the center of the couch," she said, "Its going to be an easy relaxed interview."
There was something odd about her words. She was still doing her professional act, but something was off. Unsettling me. I couldn't say exactly what.
"I get girls like you jobs," she continued.
For fuck sake. The penny dropped. Her words were familiar. I knew the script she had adopted, a previous boyfriend had been a big fan. An altogether different type of interview.
"The jobs pay a thousand to five thousand dollars per day," she followed on...
I rolled my eyes at her. For goodness sake. WTAF Claire!
"Depending on what you do and who you work with. And depending on my recommendation..." she went on with her borrowed pitch.
"I'll be recording the interview," she explained, "I'll send the tape to producers in the valley and all around the world. I'm here to try to help you put your best foot forward. Make the best video possible. Make the best impression on the producers. If they like you they will hire you and pay you a thousand to five thousand dollars per day".
"Are you actually recording this?" I said incredulously.
She shook her head and winked at me.
I said nothing, partly I couldn't believe my ears, partly I was willing to let this shit play out for one minute longer just for entertainment value. I'm 100% not going to engage, obviously, but also just curious to see if she has the chops to try... can she keep it going or will she crash and burn or will she wrap it up sensibly and get back on track?
"Is that more than you make right now?" she paused for me to answer.
"Yes it is," I answered her, of all the questions in those videos that one was harmless.
"What kind of work do you do right now?" she asked.
"I'm interviewing for various roles right now," (Remember asshole? You are supposed to be helping. Not fucking around like this!).
"Between jobs. Well you have come to the right place," she ad-libbed.
"What age are you?"
"I'm 25," I replied, then I added, "As you know, doofus." She beamed a smile at me.
"What makes you think you have what it takes to be an adult actress?"
I rolled my eyes at her again. She just smiled back at me. Even though I wasn't engaging, she was still getting a kick just from me not shutting her down.
"Do you want to be famous or is it mostly for the money?" she prompted me for an answer.
"I just really want the opportunity to explore my wild side," I adopted a ridiculous faux theatrical flair as I replied, I wanted to signal to her that I'm not seriously engaging with this crazy. All the same, I knew that by answering at all I was throwing her a bone.
"A lot of girls say that actually, quite common," she reassured me with a totally straight face, "Have you done any acting or modelling before?"
"No."
"Fine art posing?" she ventured, "Stripping?" her tone turned hopeful as she went from the sublime to the ridiculous.
"No," for god's sake.
"That's not a problem. I think you have got what it takes even if you have no experience," she reassured me!
"Oh. That's great I was really worried about that," I said sarcastically.
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"I do have a boyfriend."
"Does he know where you are right now?"
"Since you ask, Claire, your brother does not know that I am here right now," I tilted my head and locked eyes with her, like - 'don't fuck around, a normal person would not try this shit'. This was her opportunity to wrap up this crazy and get back in her lane.
"Interesting," Claire replied.
Then I realized that telling her that my boyfriend did not know I was there had backfired. It actually gave her license and, even worse, put some guilt on me for keeping secrets.
"Do you watch adult movies?" she continued.
"Sometimes," I replied tentatively.
"What kind do you like?" she emphasized her porn agent characters accent, like - don't worry, you're not telling your sister-in-law and platonic friend anything personal, you're just talking to this porn casting guy.
"Girl-girl mostly," I lied.
She paused, like she wanted me to know there was no way she believed me.
"So if I was to cast you in an adult movie right now what kind of things do you think you would be doing? sexually?" She moved on.
"Having sex, I guess," I had seen the clips, I knew the array of questions that were coming. I knew it was better to avoid volunteering any details too soon. Let her work for it. Let her work for nothing, more like. I scanned ahead. I mentally tested out some answers. How would I navigate? What was I willing to share? Even made up answers were tricky. It was a kind of like a competition or an obstacle course. Why even worry about it, just get the hell out of Dodge?
"Ya, exactly," she enthused, "You'd be giving blowjobs, is that something you do?"
"I have done," its not such a revelation, who doesn't? right?
"Swallowing? Is that something you do?"
"If I must." I rolled my eyes at her again.
"That's really great," her congratulations were effusive. LOL.
"You'd be working with guys? Are you OK with that?" she was following the script.