I hung up the phone after speaking with Gerald for the last time. It was over, he was sorry, he hoped we could be friends still, he wished there was a better way he could tell me but better now than later. I had listened, numb, the only man I had imagined myself with, the one who's surname I had spent hours writing, the one whose children I couldn't wait to bear just so I might please him had been led by his pecker to someone new- and younger. I had managed to say "Oh" and "uh huh" from my end of the phone and that was enough for the entire conversation. She was there, I could tell -he got distracted and I heard her breathing on the phone; not heavily- she wanted to be there for the kill. Tell the bitch good bye. Yeah.
It was just six forty two and I had got in from my Aerobics class- which I did to try to keep in shape for him. Not a lot of point now I thought; the bitterness starting to come through as the reality of being dumped hit me. I went to the fridge and got out a rum and coke mixer. That went with me to the sofa where I curled up in a little ball and let the tears flow. I finished my drink then went back to get another to keep me company on my sofa while I thought. Well that was a mistake- I couldn't think. How do you think when your mind is going at a million miles an hour? So I settled for drinking myself stupid and climbed into my bed at ten utterly schickered.
By morning I had a head ache you would not believe and felt just as bad as I did the night before only worse because of the head ache. It was a work day so I drove in, put the BMW (the used BMW) in my car park (which I had to pay for) and went in to do my job in the purchasing department. It wasn't stunning but I had wanted to keep my income below that of my beloved Gerald and so had turned down promotions when offered so he would earn more than me.
We girls have one release tool men don't; we complain to our friends and colleagues and so at lunch time as we sat outside, coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other I repeated word for word what he had said while giving a somewhat more eloquent version of my responses- well I'm allowed. The girls were riveted. Helen listened open mouthed, Maria keep shaking her head and saying in her Hispanic accent "that bastard" while Francine kept touching my arm and sighing.
Well I felt better after that, someone told the boss and she came over to say she had heard I had had some disappointing news and if I wanted to I could slip away early today. I was tempted but on instinct told her thanks but no, it was important that I got on with life without him and I'd be just fine. I was too; I buried myself in my work and blocked him out- until I went to the bathroom. Then it hit me and I sat on my seat in the cubicle with my head in my hands sobbing.
I heard a voice, Francine's, "Cindy? Honey is that you?"
"Uh huh," I managed.
'
"Can you come out honey?"
Well I could but I really didn't want to so I gave her, "yeah, I guess."
She waited a minute then said,
"Come out now please."
It was an order and I obeyed getting up off the seat- I didn't need to flush; I'd gone before then went back in to sit because I had started crying- and opening the door. She was right there with her arms out for me.
She hugged me tight while I sobbed on her shoulder. It was stupid, now I thought about it, how upset I was over losing him. I mean he wasn't that good looking, he definitely had the start of a bald spot and he was obviously going to get fat. Not only that but he was never going to earn much; I turned every job down, every job turned him down but I had invested so heavily in him, pinned all my hopes on him that the feeling of loss had been overwhelming. Why, I'd even got into a raging argument with my Dad over him- Dad couldn't stand him- so I'd given all this loyalty and my reward was getting dropped? It wasn't fair. Well it bloody well wasn't.
I cried myself out as she held me, stroking my back and planting little kisses on my cheek. .She was so comforting but I just felt hollow; I had no more tears but it all just seemed so utterly pointless. What was I going to do? Go home, go to work, go home, go to work and I thought of those lines from the Janice Iain song about those of us with ravaged faces, lacking in the social graces, desperately remain at home, inventing lovers of our own... not that my face was actually ravaged that was just the words to the- get on with it? OK.
Yeah, imaginary lovers that's my future I thought but now I noticed Francine had dropped her hands down from round my back to round my butt.
"Um Francine?" I gasped
"I've had my hands on your butt for nearly thirty seconds and you only just noticed. You like it, don't you?"
"Francine! My God, I have just broken up with my nearly fiancé. I am very vulnerable and you're what? Hitting on me? My God Francine! And I am not a lesbian. OK? So, oh look, thanks for before but please, can you just get out of my way and we'll forget this ever-"
"No."
"What? Excuse me but sexual harassment applies to same sex as well as inter sex incidents."
"Not if it's consensual. Listen, don't speak, just shut up and listen- ok?"
Her urgency was overpowering; I nodded and waited.
"I'm lesbian, OK?" I nodded again, "I'm twenty eight and I spent twenty six of those years believing I was straight- miserable but straight."
She looked me in the eye and I thought, "my God woman, I am so not you, I need a man."
I had promised not to say anything however so I kept quiet and listened.
"You know how they say, 'it takes one to know one?'"
Well, hello! I knew where this was going so I gave her my best "don't think so" look and rolled my eyes.She let my butt go and brought her hands up to cup my face holding it just inches from hers then she looked me in the eye. I tried not to look back but I had to. I looked deep into her eyes seeing now, for the first time, how she felt about me and I responded. A shiver ran through me, my head felt light and I knew, without ever having experienced the emotion before that I was completely, utterly, head over heel, no turning back in love with her. So she had been right; she did know one- me. She was watching me of course and as she saw my expression change her face broke into a beautiful smile.
I was hers. She tilted my face slightly, controlling me, bringing my lips close to hers. She paused for a few seconds looking into my eyes. I smiled for her, aching for her kiss then closed my eyes.
She kissed me. Her lips pressed gently at first then more firmly and finally her lips moved and mine moved with them opening my mouth for her. Her tongue licked the underside of my top lip thrilling me then moved slowly to meet the tip of mine. I had never been kissed by a woman before so I had no basis of comparison but it felt so wonderful to be kissed like this. I tried to feel that what we were doing was naughty, wrong but I couldn't; I loved the feel of her tongue in my mouth and her body pressed against mine.
"Well?" she asked unnecessarily.
My head was spinning, it should be so wrong but I just knew I wanted her, needed her to kiss me so I looked deep into her eyes and smiled inviting her to kiss me again. .I could feel my nipples and my clit was throbbing. Her hands had dropped down to caress my butt and this time I wanted them there. I felt her cupping my cheeks squeezing them, owning them; I was hers and I so wanted her to know that.
By this time her hands were under my skirt. The only underwear I wore, when I did wear it, was a thong and so her hands cupped bare butt.
