Ill Always Need You Ch 01

Having classes on a Friday afternoon is the absolute

worst.

And it's even worse when your last class is Intro to Microeconomics. I'm trying my best to pay attention, but my brain just won't cooperate. Right now, the only thing on my mind is

her.

I've been waiting to hear her voice again all week. And now I'm only a few short minutes away...

The second my professor ends class, I throw my things in my backpack and sprint back to my dorm. It's late fall, but still hot out, so by the time I'm back in my room I'm soaked with sweat and my hair is starting to come out of the neat braids I pleated it into this morning. I don't care, though.

She

thinks I'm beautiful no matter how sweaty or disheveled I am.

I got really lucky, so I have a dorm room all to myself. It's cramped, with only a tiny bed and a desk. But that's all I need. I strip out of my jeans and blouse and throw on a baggy, oversized t-shirt. Then I crawl into my computer chair and open my laptop, sitting with my knees tucked against my chest and my bare feet against the soft, slightly sticky upholstery. While my old piece-of-junk computer boots up, I fish my phone out of my backpack.

Hey! Missed you so much! I'm ready whenever you are <3

After a few minutes, she texts me back. And there really is nothing else in the world that makes my heart trill like getting a message from her. Just knowing that she's sitting back home, holding her phone, thinking of me, talking to me...

I could melt. I love her so much!

Alright! Just let me finish putting away laundry and I'll call you! <3

I hold my phone to my heart and squeal, kicking my feet out of sheer joy. I've been looking forward to this all week! Through all the homework, boring classes, and annoying dorm-floor meetings I've had to sit through, she's been the number one thing on my mind.

My computer plays the "incoming call" jingle for Skype. I answer immediately, clicking the option for a video call. For a few seconds, I'm staring at a webcam feed of my own face.

I'm... not the prettiest girl ever, I guess. I'm short and I've got a bit of a baby face, with pudgy round cheeks like a doll. I'm a college freshman, but people always assume I'm younger. I'm a bit chubby too, even though I've been trying to be better about going swimming every other day. My hair is a plain brown, and it's kind of frizzy, so I usually tame it by braiding it into long pleats that fall down to my waist. There definitely aren't a lot of people checking me out on campus. But to be honest, I don't really care. I only want

her

to admire me, I don't care about anyone else.

Finally, the woman calling me shows up in the webcam.

I'm so excited to see her that I let out a tiny little chirp of pure joy.

My mom is sitting in front of her office computer, looking brilliant in an unbuttoned shirt worn over a tightly fitted tank top. Honestly, I don't know how a little goblin girl like

me

is related to someone as stunning as she is. She's tall and slender, with the body of an elf out of Lord of the Rings. We have the same frizzy hair, but hers is like a glorious mane of reddish-brown curls spilling along her shoulders. She has her hair pushed back with a black band, and it falls down behind her like a wave of autumn color. We've both got glasses, but hers are the narrow, smart glasses of a fashionable lady, while I've got big round cokebottle lenses.

And yet when my mom sees me, she smiles like I'm the most beautiful creature on the planet. I swear I could live off of her smile and nothing else.

"Hey baby! You look like you've had a long week. Everything alright?"

"Yeah," I say, and I sigh. "Midterms are coming up. I've been working like crazy."

"I bet. But hey, it's the weekend! You've earned a nice break. Any fun plans?"

"Besides talking to you?"

My mom smiles. "A cute college girl like you can't spend her

whole weekend

just talking to her mom. Going to any parties?"

I shake my head. "C'mon, mom. You know parties aren't my thing. Too loud. Too many people."

"Of course. Any dates? Any clubs?"

"I actually joined our school's writers' club! But we only meet on weekdays."

"Awww," my mom says. There is a tiny note of disappointment in her voice. I know she expects me to go out and be social. But I'm not really a social person. And besides, I'd rather be talking to her than anyone else.

"No dates either?" she asks me.

"Nope. Just you," I say.

That gets her to giggle, which makes me feel proud of myself. "Oh! Well, I won't complain about having you all to myself. I've missed you too, Millie." My mom settles back in her hair. She sighs, and I can tell she's tired. "So? Reading anything good?"

"So much good stuff!" I say, perking up. I reach over and grab up a huge stack of books from my desk. "Someone in the writer's club recommended me this

really

good sapphic romance! It's set in a dark fantasy world, and the protagonist and her love interest are both

total

wrecks."

My mom winks. "Sounds exactly like your kind of story."

"It really is. And um, I've been writing again too!"

"You have?" Her face brightens immediately. "That's great, Mil! You'll show me, right?"

"O-oh, um, I can. But, uh..." I fidget with the baggy fabric of my shirt. "...this one's maybe a

little

bit risque?"

My mom scoffs. "Sweetie, I'm not a prude. And besides, you know I don't mind a good steamy scene." She wriggles her shoulders a bit, and heat creeps up my neck.

"M-mom!" I scold her, laughing. "Alright. I'll send it before I go to bed."

"Thank you, baby! I'm looking forward to it. I really am. You know I always loved reading what you wrote back in highschool."

"Yeah," I say, and I catch the smile playing on my lips. "You were probably my biggest inspiration." There's a weird tightness forming in my chest now, so I decide to change the subject. "W-what about you? What are you reading?"

And just like that, my mom and I spend the whole evening talking, like we always do.

I don't even notice the time going by. I gush about how much I'm loving the new book, and she tells me about what she's been reading lately. She works in publishing, so she can talk about books all afternoon. She's definitely the reason I love reading as much as I do. Her mind is just

incredible.

She can break books apart into all the parts that work, then talk about which ones she thinks will be big hits, and which ones she thinks need more work.

We've spent hours talking by the time I realize how hungry I am. My stomach rumbles a little, and the mic must have picked it up. My mom grins.

"Did you forget to eat, baby?"

"I... might have. I was really excited to see you!"

"Millie, we talk every weekend."

"Yeah, and I always look forward to it..."

My mom shakes her head, laughing. "Go eat, baby! I'll be here when you get back."

"Promise?" I ask her.

She gives me a sly grin. "I'm not gonna leave without kicking your butt in

Mythcraft

a few times."

"Oh! You wanna play?"

"I need it, baby. After the day I've had..."

"You didn't tell me you had a bad day!" I say, pouting.

"I was having too much fun listening to you! And it was nothing. Just a bad first date."

"A... a date?" I can't explain why, but the word makes my stomach twist. "I... I didn't know you were trying to date again."

"Well, I have the house mostly to myself now. And to be perfectly honest baby, I'm a little lonely."

"Awww. I can come home! I'll visit tomorrow, if you want!"

My mom shakes her head. "You should enjoy your time on campus! I'll be okay on my own, Mil. Now go get your dinner."

"Alright..."

I slink out of my computer chair, grab a box of instant macaroni, and pad out of my room. I'm so stressed that I don't even remember to put on pants. A few girls on my floor give me weird looks as they pass me. Barefoot and half-naked, I pad into the kitchen and start the pot boiling for my mac-and-cheese. My head is full of jittery, anxious thoughts chasing each other in circles.

My mom's dating again?

That shouldn't bother me, obviously. She deserves to get herself a partner! I was born when she was still young, and she never married. When I came out to her as gay, she admitted that she liked women too. We've always been able to confide in each other about that. But I always assumed...

What?

That I would be the only thing in her life?

I feel like a jealous little cretin, obsessing over her like this. Because she's right. I should be out making new friends, getting myself a proper girlfriend. But the idea of spending my evenings with someone other than my mom is kinda depressing. Even if I found the hottest girl alive, I think I'd still miss my mom.

That makes me kinda pathetic, doesn't it?

Unbidden, this memory resurfaces of me and my mom playing princess when I was five or six. I dressed up in a cheap dress and kept making her "rescue" me from imaginary monsters. And then when she'd "rescued" me, I promised to marry her and be her wife. She laughed and said she was the queen. I had to marry a prince. But I thought princes were icky. I only wanted to marry a queen, I said. I made her

promise

she'd be my bride one day. I was almost crying. And eventually she gave me a hug and said yes, she'd marry me.

I can still hear her voice, whispering into my tiny ear.

"Okay, Mil. I'll marry you. But you have to be extra good, okay? And you have to make me breakfast, play all the games I want, and snuggle with me every single day."

"I'll do it! Every day! I'll be a great wife, I promise!"

Then I got up and kissed her on the cheek. And she squeezed me so tightly I could feel her heartbeat against my chest.

That night, I got into bed with her. I shared her bed a lot when I was little, so she was used to it. And I remember wrapping my arms around her and resting my head on her shoulder.

"You mean it, right?"

I whispered to her.

"We'll really get married?"

"When you're older, sweetie."

"But we will, right? Promise?"

"..."

"Promise?"

"Yes, Mil. I promise. Now go to sleep, my love."

"Mmm, okay. I love you, mama..."

I get pulled out of the memory when a bit of boiling water splashes onto my hand. I yelp and quickly turn down the heat on the stove.

My whole body is flush with heat, and I have the kind of super-anxious jitters that I usually only get before a big test. I'd completely forgotten about that. I really am a total mama's girl, aren't I? It's so cringe that I kind of want to sink into the earth forever. Is that why I'm so jealous? A tiny childish part of me still thinks my mom is going to marry me, and I don't want to let her go.

Sigmund Freud would love to meet me, I'm sure.

I shake my head, wishing I could just clear it. She's my mom! I should be happy for her! We can still spend time together, even if she gets a girlfriend.

But... somehow, it just wouldn't be the same...

After dumping the orange powder over my noodles, I slink back to my dorm room. I'm still feeling kind of down. And that makes me feel super guilty. This is my special night with my mom! It's what I look forward to every week! Her going on dates shouldn't get to me. I'm gonna sit down and we're gonna have a great night together.

Thankfully, when I get back into my room and see my mom on the computer screen, my heart instantly lifts. I curl up in my chair, holding my dinner on my knees.

"Hey! I'm back!"

My mom waves. I can see she has a wine glass in her other hand. "Welcome back, sweetie. Mac and cheese again?"

"I know, I know. I'm basic."

She laughs. "You always loved that stuff. Remember the first time I tried to teach you to make it yourself?"

My cheeks turn pink. "I almost burned the entire house down. I still haven't gotten much better."

"Well, maybe when you come back for Thanksgiving I can teach you a few proper recipes."

"I'd love that!" I say, nearly shouting.

My mom gives me a sly grin. "Someone's missing me, huh?"

"I mean, of course I am. I tell you how much I miss you every day."

My mom sighs. There's a sweet sadness in her smile. "I know. I've been missing you a lot too, baby."

"Y-you have?"

"Of course. This place is so quiet without you. And I have nobody to play board games with."

"What about... what about your date?"

At that, my mom laughs and shakes her head. But even though she's laughing, she looks sadder than before now. "I don't think she'd be interested."

"Awww. I'm sorry..."

"It's alright! I'm a big girl, I can handle a bad date. But wow, it was embarrassing." My mom takes a big sip of wine. "I tried to tell her about

Mythcraft

and she looked at me like I told her I keep kids in my basement."

"That's so mean!"

"I don't think she was trying to be mean. But there really aren't a lot of women my age playing card games."

"Awww. I guess not. There's a games club here, but... I don't think I'd have as much fun playing with them as I do playing with you."

"Millie, baby..." my mom starts. I'm worried she's going to tell me to go out there and meet other people again. But she trails off, then looks down at the ground. "I know what you mean. I've been missing you a lot. Especially today. I... I would've given anything to come home and see you waiting for me, ready to eat junk food and play games all evening."

"M-mom..." My eyes are welling up with tears. I reach out and touch the computer screen. "I wish I could hug you right now," I say.

"Me too, baby. I really want that."

Even though it's stupid, I pick up the laptop and snuggle it against my chest. My mom lets out a weak laugh. Is... is she holding back tears too?

"Do you wanna come visit?" I blurt out. "It's only an hour away. You can stay in my dorm. Or we could get a motel, or..."

I trail off. Ever since I left, my mom has been trying to make me go out and meet new people. There's no way she's going to come down here and spend an entire weekend—

"Yes. Oh God, yes. That sounds incredible, baby."

"Wait, really!?"

I set my laptop back down. My mom is wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. She refills her glass of wine and takes a long sip.

"Yes. I didn't want to ask. I don't want to force you to spend time with

me

when you could be—"

"Mom, I wanna spend time with you more than anyone else in the world."

My mom presses her hand to her mouth. "Baby... s-sorry, one sec..."

She turns away, but I can tell she's wiping her eyes.

"That makes me so happy. R-really so happy. I've missed you. So, so much. I thought I could handle being alone here. But I just... I need to hold my girl. I feel so empty without it."

"I need it to. I wanna hug you so bad, mommy..."

Oops. The "mommy" just kinda slipped out.

The both of us look at each other. Her cheeks are pink, and mine are cherry red.

My mom breaks the silence by dissolving into a fit of laughter, so loud she's practically howling. I join her, laughing until my chest hurts and my eyes are swimming with tears.

"We're both pieces of work, aren't we?" my mom says.

"Maybe a little," I admit. "But um... I meant it."

"I know. I did too. Maybe I can drive down tomorrow afternoon? We can get a cheap motel somewhere, and just..."

"Cuddle? Play games? Eat junk food?"

"Yes to all three," my mom says. She winks.

"Awesome! Oh my God, I can't wait! I love you."

"I love you too, baby. Now... I

do

think you promised me some

Mythcraft,

right?"

"Lemme get my cards!" I say, hopping out of my seat.

I'm so happy that I barely even notice time passing. My mom and I play round after round of our favorite card game, turning our webcams down toward our desks so that we can see each other's playing fields. There are more convenient ways to play

Mythcraft

online, but actually seeing my mom's hands, watching her neatly stack her cards and flip them with her long slender fingers, getting to see the pretty shade of magenta painted on her nails... that stuff makes the game so much better.

Eventually, though, she looks at the clock and gasps.

"Oh! Baby, it's almost one in the morning."

"R-really? I... wow."

She shakes her head. "You're a bad influence on me, Mil."

"Hey! You're the one who's had a few too many glasses of wine."

"Guilty as charged," my mom says. "What can I say? You always put me in a partying mood, baby. The date earlier was

so

boring. Just wanted to talk about work, her kids... bleh. You're

fun,

sweetie. That's why I love you."

"Awww! I'm looking forward to tomorrow so much..."

"Me too. I'm gonna go get some sleep, but I'll see you in a few hours, okay baby?"

"Yeah! Goodnight! I love you. I really really love you..."

My mom smiles. Then she puckers her lips and blows me a kiss. I hold my hand out and "catch" the kiss. I hold it to my chest. My mom shuts off her webcam, and the screen goes dark.

And I know this sounds weird. But I swear I really can feel the tiny warm imprint of her kiss on my palm. I raise it up and touch it to my cheek. For a brief moment, I feel her lips on my face. And my whole body goes fuzzy with delight. I sink down in my chair a little bit, sighing. I know I'm going to be

way

too excited to sleep tonight. I already feel like a little girl on Christmas morning again. And it's all because of her.

I love her so much.

Before I forget, I send her a text message with my newest story linked.

Here! Just in case you wanna read it before bed! I really hope you like it <3 and you can skip the steamy parts if you want lol.

A minute later, she responds.

Thanks baby! And I am *not* skipping the good stuff!

My mouth suddenly feels thick. My mom's going to be reading my smut! I mean, that's not

that

weird right? It's not like I'm confessing to anything I've personally done. Lots of authors put sex scenes into their work! Honestly it's probably normal for your mom to read your steamy lesbian porn.

...yeah right.

I flop into bed. My skin is coated with a tiny sheen of sweat. There's absolutely no chance I'm going to get to sleep now. Instead of trying, I grab a pillow and cuddle it against my chest. I bury my face against it. And I imagine I'm holding her.

Mom. I miss you so bad. When I finally get to hold you tomorrow, I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go...

***

Charlotte stood up from her computer chair and stretched. She'd completely lost track of time, and her head was fuzzy from so much wine. Still, she felt

great.

This whole week, she'd been feeling tense and anxious, partially from work but mostly because of her upcoming date. She hadn't been

entirely

honest with Millie. The date had been bad, yes. But it wasn't just awkward. It was

nerve-wracking.

Charlotte hated the feeling of sitting across from another woman, letting herself be judged, knowing that she might not measure up to what this other person wanted from her.

It had left her irritable and frazzled all day. But now, after a few hours getting to admire Millie's sweet face, to listen to her daughter adorably ramble about her favorite things, to play their favorite nerdy game and just know everything was

right...

Charlotte felt incredible. All the tension was gone from her body.

She slipped out of her clothes, tossing them haphazardly onto the floor. For such a seemingly professional, put-together woman, Charlotte knew she was a slob on the inside. She kept the rest of the house pristine, but inside her room, she was allowed to be her lazy, dirty, animal self. She kicked her work clothes aside, now dressed in only her panties.

After a moment, she slid those down her legs too, then turned to admire herself in the floor-to-ceiling window. She'd been paying more attention to her own body lately. Charlotte had found that she liked the sight of herself naked. Her long slender legs, the toned pale canvas of her stomach, the soft, generous mounds of her breasts. Even the curtain of neatly trimmed hair over her femininity. It was all

her,

and she liked her.