I Am a Zero

Jeff

I drove home with a lot on my mind. I was normally very good at compartmentalizing work from home and filing away one experience in order to be ready for the next. But today it was hard. I wasn't exactly sure why. I thought about the men at the table and the way they looked at me. There was inference and nuance there that I just missed. I know I missed the sub text in conversations all the time and this was no different. What bothered me wasn't what I had missed or even the note the man had left me. What was bothering me was how much things with John and Jeff were impacting me. I wasn't able to compartmentalize them or those experiences.

Even as I sat at a stop light I couldn't help but have my mind wander to John and if we were going to have time alone on this trip. My heart pounded in my chest and my mouth watered at the thought of seeing my brother, being there for him and opening my mouth for him. I sat at the light after it turned green and was jolted back to the present by an angry driver behind me leaning on the horn. I shook my head in some sort of vain attempt to get the thoughts of John out of my head and kept driving. But it was no use. I was hungry. Not for food. I found myself wanting food less and less. I was hungry for my brother John's dick. I was hungry to give him what he wasn't getting at home. I needed to taste him. I needed to taste his pleasure again.

I thought again of the book I had read about the female athlete: When you discover your purpose, who you really are and step into what you were born to do. Everything else becomes unnecessary and it starts to fade away. I felt that way so clearly. Everything that wasn't a part of what was happening with John and Jeff was fading away. It was like trying to grab onto water, it would just slip through my fingers.

So much so that when I parked at my apartment I had almost completely forgotten that I was at work or what had happened. I was thinking about seeing Jeff and it wasn't until I felt the wad of cash in my pocket did I remember that I had been working that morning.

"What is happening to me?" I asked no one. I looked in the rearview mirror for a moment. I frowned. I wasn't doing well at work. That wasn't like me. But I was failing. I was losing it. What was I even good for if I couldn't do my job well? I thought about school and how so much of the conversation toward graduation had revolved around what college you would go to or what job you would have. In fact the conversation was so constant that the implication was that working and being productive in that manner was the purpose of each of our lives. Unless we knew the answers to those questions we would never know our purpose and never know what our value was. I didn't know the answers to those questions. I never did.

What was my value? "Receptacle," I said to myself as I thought about the man's note. I needed to look the word up in the dictionary. So I did, right there on my phone.

Receptacle: One that receives or contains something.

I looked at it for a moment and smiled faintly. I felt my lips move and my breathing slowed down.

I got out of the car and walked into my apartment building. A minute later I walked through the door to find Jeff on the couch. His bags were packed and sitting by the door next to mine (I had mine ready in the morning before I left).

"There you are Kates! I was about to text you," Jeff said looking up at me from his computer. His eyes moved down my body and then stopped on my chest as usual.

"I am here," I said to him, unsure why he was going to text me. I wasn't late. I was never late. "I just need to change my clothes and I will be ready. Have you heard from John?" I asked as I walked past him.

"Yeah I told him we would be over a in a bit," Jeff said. "Hey before you go change, I need your help with something."

I stopped in the hallway and turned around then said, "Sure of course. What is it?" I stopped when I saw him stand up, his hard cock was protruding from his unzipped pants. It was clear that he had been stroking it for a while. It was red and swollen and he gripped it hard at the base near his open zipper.

I didn't move. I couldn't. I knew now that I needed to wait for his direction. It was simpler.

"I have been like this all morning," He said as he walked over to me, slowly jerking himself. "Porn doesn't do anything for me. I can't cum to it anymore. I have been trying."

I nodded, acknowledging that I heard him. My mouth was dry. My mind was blank. What was I doing? Where were we going? I had to do something...I didn't care. I looked at my brother's swollen member and then back at his face. "You don't need porn," I said to him. "You have me."

He smiled at me. It wasn't a warm, loving smile--though I knew he loved me. This was his smile that acknowledged we understood each other.

"Get on your knees," Jeff said directly.

I did. I looked up at him expressionless and he looked down on me. We were assuming our positions. This felt right to me. This felt true. This felt normal. This interaction felt real. It felt simple.

"Open your mouth," he said to me as he unbuttoned his pants and pulled them down to his knees.

I opened my mouth.

Jeff was stroking the full length of himself quickly. I didn't watch his penis, I looked only at his face. I felt calm. At ease and yet full of anticipation. He had only ever cum on me. I had tasted bits of it only because he had cum so much on my face, but never did he tell me to open my mouth for it.

I liked that he told me. I didn't have to guess at what he wanted. I didn't have to try to understand what I had seen in porno and movies to somehow associate that with what he would want. I didn't have to do any of it. I just had to be available, to listen and to follow direction. I could do that. I needed to just do that.

Jeff stepped close to me, his free hand rest on the top of my head and his fingers curled a little in my hair. My head tilted back slightly, my mouth still open and I just looked at him with blank anticipation. There we no thoughts in my head. Nothing. I could hear the heart pounding in my ears and the fapping sound of his hand on his dick as he stroked it just a few inches from my face. I didn't care about anything but this moment. I wanted my brother to do what he needed to do and I needed to be here for him.

"Keep your mouth open and stick out your tongue," he said as he leaned forward.

I did so. I could feel the wind of his hand as he beat his swollen cock.

He grunted. "Here it comes Kates. Here it comes. Ah! Argh! Fuck!"

The first thick rope of my brother's cum hit my top lip. I leaned back slightly surprised at the warm, thick sensation as half of it found my lip and nose and the other half my tongue. I felt him move my head back a little more and I could taste the tip of his dick as he pressed it against my tongue, partially in my mouth. I couldn't take my eyes off of his. I loved seeing the look in his face when his dick was pulsating with pleasure. I loved seeing my brother feeling intense pleasure.

All of this was less than half a second as he kept groaning and the next spurt went straight into my mouth. I had so obsessed over the taste, texture and complexity of John's cum that it was easy for me to compare. Jeff's was thinner, much warmer and had a salty sweetness to it.

I was about to swallow it when thankfully Jeff spoke up, "Don't swallow it until I am done. I need to see it." Another stream sprayed into my mouth.

I felt something running from the left side of my mouth. It could be spit or his semen. I didn't know. I hoped the former. I needed to keep all of Jeff's offering in my mouth. He needed me to.

"Close your lips around it," Jeff said in mostly a lust-laden whisper. "Yes like that. Oh fuck!"

My body tingled at his pleasure and his words as I closed my lips around the tip of my brother's penis. He kept stroking himself erratically. My mouth was full of cum and drool, I couldn't tell if he was still going. I didn't care. I loved how he felt in my mouth, just like it. It was like I was a baby bird and he was feeding me. My mind was blank except for how good this felt, how good it was to be like this--in my place and receiving what my brother needed to give to me.

He let go of his penis and his mouth was open wide, his eyes were almost closed in a sort of euphoric look. He looked so perfect to me. We were connected. He started to shake and then he pulled his dick slowly from my mouth. I tilted my head back in order to keep as much in as I could. I knew that was important.

"Show it to me," he said.

I kept my mouth open so he could see it.

He smiled. "Beautiful," he said. "Now swallow it."

I closed my mouth and swallowed while looking up at my brother. There was a lot of spit in my mouth mixed with his cum but I could still taste it. I swallowed again and then one more time and then I smiled at him. This was what I needed. Whatever had happened today faded away. All the unnecessary parts of the day were gone. They didn't matter. This was my purpose and when you step into that and embrace it, everything else is unnecessary.

He took a step back to catch his breath. He let go of me and I knew that was his signal that we were done for now. It was these simple cues and interactions that I needed. I understood them. I knew my place.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and then stood up.

"Thank you," Jeff said to me.

"You don't need to thank me, Jeffy," I said to him in my little sister voice. "I should thank you really."

He looked at me with an almost stunned look on his face.

"I was worried that we would need to stop for lunch but my tummy is full now," I said and smiled at him.

The Car

An hour later I was cleaned up and, with Jeff driving, we picked up John at his house and set off toward my parent's lake house. John and Jeff were extremely close and it was always great for me to be with them together. I enjoyed listening to them and they were so good about being sure that I felt included. At the same time, on this drive, I was grateful that John wanted to ride shotgun and I was able to sit in the backseat, put in my headphones and just have some time to think. The truth was that as wonderful as it had been having Jeff in my apartment, as our activities escalated, I had less and less time to get my mind settled and to think about what was happening.

I could still taste Jeff's cum in my mouth. I kept catching myself rolling my tongue around in my mouth relishing the taste. I found my mind would almost turn off as did this. I would just stare at the car window and enjoy the taste, coupled with the memory and there was nothing else. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was difficult but I pushed myself to think about work. I wasn't worried about the rude customers or the interactions. I was worried that I was losing my grip on how to do my job well. I needed to understand why.

If I wasn't able to waitress well then how did I expect to go to college in less than a year? I felt a sudden tinge of anxiety. I was good with numbers, calculations, measures and I was extremely organized. I had an excellent memory and often my teachers wondered if it was photographic, not as a hyperbolic statement but as a reality. All of these helped me at my job and yet, over the last few days I had been forgetting things, miscalculating orders and losing track of tickets. Not only was this impacting me financially but also it was harder and harder for me to care. That was the issue. When I was at work, I wasn't mentally there any more. My mind had been completely elsewhere. So much so that it was extremely uncomfortable and difficult for me to get my mind back into work. Rather than using my commute to compartmentalize what was happening at home, in order to shift into a work mindset, I would continue to relive the moments with Jeff or John in my mind. I would fixate on images and sensations and emotions and, now, flavors and I found that I was enjoying those things so much that I was not able to put them to the back of my mind anymore.

What am I good for?

I frowned at the thought. I needed to work didn't I? Of course I did. I was actually taking care of Jeff financially right now. I was going to pay for my share on this trip. I needed money.

I felt anxious. Money.

What was my value? This question was inescapable for me. I felt like I was always circling it and somewhere in the last week I was having a breakthrough. But it wasn't what I thought. I wondered if breakthroughs ever were what we thought they would be. The truth was that I had felt more clarity in the last week than I had in my entire life. When I was with John and Jeff I felt purpose and I felt value. My mind settled as I looked at them carrying on in the car, having some animated conversation that I couldn't hear. It was simple. That's what I needed: Simple.

My mind drifted back to this afternoon with Jeff. He knew what he wanted and he made it clear. He needed me. He had been waiting for me--his sister to come home and to take care of him. He needed me to receive what he had been holding onto. He said it himself, "Porn was no longer working." He needed me and I wanted to be that for him--no I needed to be that for him. I focused on that look in his eyes when he was getting ready to cum. It was almost a glazed look, almost a far away look and at the same time it was almost a pained look and as he moved toward and then into his orgasm I could see the pained look turn to pleasure. More pleasure than when I would watch him masturbate. No. There was something about me being there as the recipient of him that led my brother to that place of deeper pleasure. I could literally feel my value as he would cum. I didn't care about anything else. When you find your purpose, everything else becomes unnecessary.

I noticed John trying to get my attention. He was waving his hand and saying my name in some deep, over exaggerated voice.

I smiled at him and took an earphone out of my ear. "What is it?"

"Kates, we are gonna make a quick stop for gas and Jeff is hungry," John said side-eyeing Jeff and rolling his eyes. Then he made a deliberate look at my phone and I realized he was signaling me to look at my phone. I was so bad at picking up hints.

I looked at my phone and saw a text from John.

John: I am so horny right now.

I looked at John and nodded to him. "Jeff, what are you going to eat? I am not hungry but I could use the bathroom." That wasn't totally accurate. I sent a quick text to John.

Katie: Meet me in the bathroom. Maybe?

"Just fast food," Jeff said as he took the exit and then made a right following the signs. "I don't want to stop for very long."

"Don't use the drive through though," John said looking back at me but talking to Jeff. I could see the lust in John's eyes--lust mixed with longing.

I felt drawn to him. I knew I could help him. I needed to. That was something I could do. My heart started to beat quickly.

"Just hop out of the car with Kates and then I will pick you guys up on the other side," Jeff replied.

"That's fine," I said.

Jeff pulled the car up next to the restaurant and I got out with John following behind. I realized as soon as I was walking how nervous I was. No, not nervous. Excited. I was almost shaking. "When you step into your purpose everything else fades away," my imagined voice of the nameless female author said in my head. This was my purpose. I had never been more sure of anything in my life.

I walked into the restaurant and immediately turned down the hallway to the bathroom. I stopped in front of the door. Did I go into the female bathroom and signal John? I didn't know what to do. I turned and saw my brother walking toward me.

"Let me check the guys bathroom real quick," he said in a low whisper and then disappeared into the bathroom.

I waited. My hands were sweaty. My heart was pounding.

The door opened and John gestured for me to come in. I stepped in and he took my hand and led me to the handicapped stall at the very end. I had not been in a men's restroom before. Not that I remembered at least.

We entered the stall and I immediately sat on the toilet seat and looked up at John. He looked at me with a slight hesitation in his eyes. "Kate's are you sure? I didn't want to assume that--"

"Yes," I said to him as I bit my lip and looked at his crotch. "Yes, John I am sure." I looked up into his eyes again. "Assume I always want to. Always." I kept looking at him and opened my mouth like a baby bird waiting to be fed. In some ways that wasn't far off from the truth. Food was losing its taste to me compared to my brother's cum. I was finding that I had a craving for it, almost a specific hunger or need.

I gazed at John's crotch as he unbuckled his pants in a hurry and pulled them down. His hard dick sprang up to meet me. It was the first time I had seen it fully lit. The only other time was just its shadow in the car. It was a little bigger and thicker than Jeff's with a very slight arch at the tip. It was no pornstar dick by any stretch of the imagination, but that was John. He was no pornstar. He was my sensitive brother. I looked up at him for a moment, my mouth still open. A sensation ran over me, like a warm blanket had been tossed over me and around me. I felt, at the same time, anticipation and absolute peace. Whatever I had been thinking about in the car was gone. Whatever I was feeling, whatever nerves or fears or anxiety--all of it was gone. Vanished. All there was now was this moment and my brother as he pushed his dick into my open mouth.

He gasped as he entered my mouth and then he whispered, "I need this. I need this all the time."

I felt a tingle of deep satisfaction run down my spine as he said that. This tingle was accompanied by a deep sense of connection as he began to thrust into my mouth. I did the best I could not to move my head, but just to suck on him as he pumped my mouth. His pubic hair tickled my nose like a feather as he pumped.

I kept looking up at him but it was hard to maintain complete eye contact as he thrust. I felt his urgency. I had it too. I held the toilet seat for balance as he thrust. Each pump made a slight creak against the toilet from the shifting of our weight.

I could tell John was being caring and sensitive toward me. He was holding back. That was his nature. I decided to slide my hands up his thighs and then behind him so I could clutch his ass as he slowly thrust into my mouth. I gripped his ass and gently pulled him toward me. Urging him to go faster. I didn't want him to hold back. Not with me. That was not what I was for. My purpose was release. My purpose was to be used. I gripped his ass and pulled him harder toward me. I needed him to let go. Desperately I needed him to let go.

He gasped and then muttered, "Yes Kates. Fuck yes."

I pulled him against me as best as I could. But this wasn't my role. I couldn't take control. I didn't understand that. All I knew is that I needed him to let go and to use me. I made my mouth more rigid and my lips glided over his shaft as he thrust. I imagined my mouth as a perfect circle, a perfect hole--an absolute zero waiting, no, longing to be filled. To be added to.

I felt his hands move to my hair on the top of my head and he clutched. I felt his balls slapping my chin as he started to thrust faster. I gazed up at my brother as his inhibition fell away and he began to give in. He looked down at me with tenderness and lust. I hoped he could see my overwhelming desire. This was my purpose and when you find your purpose everything else falls away.

I felt the pull on my hair on my head as he thrust faster. The sound of his balls hitting my chin, his dickhead hitting the back of my mouth and the sucking sound on his cock filled the stall. There was nothing else. There couldn't be anything else. This was everything. This was what I was for.