Sarah's pulse hammered inside her head; it felt like it would burst from all the thoughts over-crowding it!
Her body was tingling and her heart still hammering, although her physical reactions were abating.
What had she just done?
She helped her cousin Jon feel better. That was definite. And that was what she had set out to do. Her goal was to help others as a natural doctor. An herb doctor. Someone who would help others with better health. She was proud of herself...but she had not expected this!
Her first 'patient' was her own cousin, who was afraid he might have testicular cancer. Heck, she figured she would learn remedies and treatments to help problems like headaches, constipation, period problems, belly-aches. But when Jon described his problem to her she was determined to help.
Unexpectedly, her first patient had a health problem she had never given any thought to. She had touched the genitals of a male! Jon was her cousin, but still obviously a guy. She didn't know whether that fact made it better or worse. She had examined his testicles and penis, and compared them with the pictures and descriptions in her home-study medical books.
Then she had masturbated him...and watched the thick semen spurt out of his erection. It had mostly shot up onto his belly, but some of it drooled over her hand as the creamy substance so abruptly shot from his penis. After he was all done squirting, she had used tissues to wipe it off his skin. They had both been naively and completely fascinated by the process.
But Sarah felt a flood of guilt. She knew for sure that her parents would absolutely freak out if they knew. And Jonathan's parents. And Pastor Phelps. Holy cow! The adults would probably lecture them, and tell them they were going to go to hell now! Any kind of sex was supposed to be saved for marriage, wasn't it? That's what Pastor Phelps had said. It was a sin. And when people found out, they'd be harshly punished. And, worst of all, they would probably go to hell for it. That place where the souls of sinners would be tormented forever and forever.
But hey hadn't really had sex, Sarah reasoned. But Pastor Phelps said 'self abuse' or 'jerking off' was a horrible sin. It wasn't allowed in their strict religious group. People weren't supposed to touch themselves 'down there' except when bathing or using the toilet. Her mind struggled with the ramifications of what they had done. Technically, Jon hadn't 'abused himself', but Sarah figured what she had done was probably a big sin, too. Maybe they'd both go to hell? She wasn't sure. But even if they didn't end up in the real hell, she was sure there would be hell to pay from parents and the preacher if anyone found out.
Maybe none of that would happen. Maybe no one's parents would find out. She sure didn't want that to happen! She knew Jon didn't want that, either, but next time they talked, she'd emphasize that to him, anyway. She believed in God, but also kind of hoped that maybe what parents and pastors didn't know might never make it to God's attention.
If their parents didn't know, then no one would tell Pastor Phelps. She hoped. She knew she definitely wouldn't. But what about Jon? Would he confess this 'sin' to the preacher? And if he did, he'd tell their parents, and they'd both be punished and not allowed to see one another. And they'd be shamed, and expected to confess to the congregation. There would be ruination and repercussions for sure.
What about if it really was a sin? The church said it was. But, that book said something like ''Although frowned upon by certain cultures and religions, it is normal, healthy and harmless." She sincerely wanted Jon to be healthy, for sure. It had made him feel better. And it must be 'natural' - right in line with her studies about 'natural health'. Still...Sarah's thoughts and feelings were terribly conflicted. Was the medical book right, and the pastor and elders wrong?
She heard the pickup coming up the drive. It was her parents. Sarah's mind jolted, she jumped up, and hastily changed outfits. She put on modest shorts - not only because her parents didn't want her to wear anything too skimpy, but because the crotch of the shorts she had on had gotten quite damp while she was 'helping' Jonathan.
She checked her hair in the mirror, then ran down the stairs to greet her mother and father.
"Hi Sarah," her mother said. "Would you help me get something together for lunch real quickly? You father has a board meeting in an hour."
"Sure mom."
As they prepared a few sandwiches, Carole asked her daughter, "Are you feeling alright, Sarah? You look a little...I don't know...tense."
Sarah blushed, then insisted that she was fine.
"O...K...if you say so..."
Sarah hoped her mother didn't sense anything about what she and Jon had done. She worried, but decided to act as calmly as possible about it.
After lunch, Sarah's father left for his meeting, and the two women tidied the kitchen in silence for a few minutes.
"Sarah, I'd like to see those anatomy books you mentioned."
"Sure, mom. You want to come up to my room, or have me bring them down here?"
"Let's go to your bedroom." And up the stairs they went.
Carole was quite interested in Sarah's studies, and proud that she wanted to learn about non-traditional ways of helping people improve their health. And...she was curious about the images in the book Sarah had mentioned.
She felt embarrassed and silly because ever since Sarah had mentioned that there were real photos, she had wanted to see them. That wasn't like her. Was it?
It had been a few years since Karl had been able to get an erection. He was diabetic, and his obesity didn't help. He had lost his libido, and Carole couldn't seem to interest him in sex any longer. It didn't seem fair to her, because she still had the urges. But...it must be God's will that she have a sexless marriage. She knew a few other couples like that. She tried to accept it. Sometimes it wasn't easy, though. A couple times in the past year she had had vivid sexual dreams, which disturbed her. She had dreamt that she was having sex with a stranger, and that was definitely sinful. She prayed for forgiveness, and tried not to think about it any further.
But sometimes she did think about it. Sometimes she fantasized about it. Sometimes she simply could not suppress the thoughts. And her body seemed to have a mind of its own - a sinful 'mind', evidently. The mention of pictures of male genitalia had piqued her interest. That was likely a sin, too - pornography maybe. But maybe not, because they were Sarah's health books... Maybe it wouldn't be a sin, after all. Regardless, she wanted to look at the pictures.
The anatomy book lay open on Sarah's desk. "Here's what I was studying mom," Sarah said, handing the open book to her mom. The book was opened to a page that had an anatomical cross-section of male genitalia. Carole had seen a picture like that back when she was in highschool. Interesting in an academic sort of way. She turned the page, and there was another drawing, this time in color, with more detail, showing nerves and veins.
"Very interesting," she said to Sarah. "There is so much to learn about the body, isn't there?"
