I watched out my bedroom window as my brother worked on his car. I felt like I was spying on him, and to some extent that was exactly what I was doing. I could watch him from where I was without being seen. It made me feel kind of guilty. I'd been feeling guilty a lot lately.
I'd always loved Riley in the way only a little sister could. He was a couple years older than me, and when we were younger that had made him seem disproportionately smart and cool in my mind. An older sibling could either be the bane of a kid's existence, or their hero. I'd been lucky to end up with the latter. He'd always been nice to me growing up.
Things had changed somewhat as we got older. I accumulated more experience with the world, and grew infinitesimally wiser. As an eighteen-year-old girl, it took more for me to put up with my family than them simply being nice to me. If I got in one of my moods, them being nice was practically the same as oppressing me, for reasons that didn't make sense when I thought about them later. My parents didn't get it. Riley didn't either, but he handled it better.
Unlike Mom and Dad, Riley generally didn't try to reason with me when I was being petulant. Maybe that was part of what changed the way I saw him. I was used to frustration, or concern, or attempted understanding. He just let me be when I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wasn't sure if that was because he got me better than anyone, or if he just didn't feel the need to deal with me when I was like that.
I sighed and shook my head as I turned away from the window. I spent far too much time analyzing my brother's motivations. It was a far simpler explanation just to accept that I probably didn't matter to him as much as he did to me. I needed to stop obsessing.
I glanced back out the window before stepping away from it. I should have turned my attention to something else, but I already knew that wasn't going to happen. Riley looked like he'd be busy for a while, not that I knew much about cars and the maintenance thereof. Without consciously deciding to, I'd started planning excuses for going outside and keeping him company.
It was a warm and sunny day in one of the last days of spring. I was wearing a tight, sleeveless top and one of my shorter pairs of shorts. Nothing indecent, but the sort of thing I imagined might conceivably attract my brother's attention, even though it never seemed to. I walked outside and toward the garage in my bare feet.
"Hey," I called softly as I approached Riley.
He had the hood of his car up and was leaning over the engine playing with something inside. His shirt was stretched tight across his back. I stared for a second before he looked over his shoulder at me.
"Hey, Anna. What's up?"
"Nothin'. What ya doing?"
Riley straightened, letting his shirt hang normally, much to my disappointment. He had just enough definition in his body to make it interesting. It was one of the reasons I'd been feeling so guilty lately. I didn't want to admit it, but I was pretty sure I was crushing on him slightly; on my own brother. It was just about the most pathetic feeling.
"I'm just about to change the oil in my car," he said. "Nothing you're interested in, I'm sure."
He was right, I couldn't have been less interested if he'd told me he was planning on counting the blades of grass in the lawn. However, I wanted to stay, so I had to pretend like that wasn't the case.
"Can I watch anyway?"
He shrugged. "If you want to. It's not like I'll be the one bored to tears."
Riley set about draining the oil from his car, pausing occasionally to explain what he was doing. Apparently there wasn't much to it. I still wasn't sure what the process was, because I'd been watching him more than the car.
"So this is fun for you?" I asked.
He grinned. "Not fun exactly. It's more like... well, if I asked you if brushing your hair every morning was fun. Or putting on makeup. It's more about the results than the process. It keeps the car running, and that's what I care about."
I nodded. I actually kind of understood his point. I wasn't sure why oil needed changed if there was still plenty in the car, but he probably didn't understand the finer points of picking out the right outfit every day either. My current choice of clothing meant nothing to him, just like vehicle maintenance meant nothing to me. They were things other people worried about.
It bugged me a little that I never so much as caught Riley's eyes flick toward my chest. My top was tight enough around my breasts that they should have attracted at least a little attention, but then I was just his baby sis. I wasn't really a girl to him. That could have been part of the attraction he held for me; the fact that I didn't have a chance. People want what they can't have.
"So is that it?" I asked as he finished pouring new oil into his car.
"Pretty much. There's not much to it." He looked up at the sky, and the slow, fluffy clouds rolling past. It really was a nice day. "I'm kind of thinking of cleaning out some of the junk too. It's a good day for it."
"Uh huh."
I tried not to appear completely disinterested. It would mean more time watching him work, after all.
"Anna, can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"What are you actually doing out here? I know you don't give a shit about what I'm doing, but you haven't left yet."
I looked away, hoping that my face wasn't flushing too badly. I was sure he knew the real reason, even though he couldn't possibly have guessed it.
"M'just bored," I mumbled.
"Really? You're bored so you came out here to be, what, slightly less bored?"
"I like hanging out with you sometimes, that's all."
I met his gaze again, hoping that my minor admission would distract him from further questioning. He could usually tell when I was lying, but all I was doing was failing to tell him the whole truth.
"Well, I can almost believe that. There must be something else though. You and Mom fighting again maybe?"
I shrugged rather than giving him an answer. He'd assume he guessed right, and that would take the pressure off of me to provide a better explanation. It wasn't uncommon for me to hang around my brother while I was avoiding Mom. He never seemed to get mad at me the way she sometimes did, but then I rarely gave him a reason to. There was no point in rebelling against my brother the way I sometimes did with my parents.
Riley let the subject drop and went back to work. He grabbed a garbage bag and opened up one of the doors to the back seat. I hopped up to sit on the trunk of his car while I watched him toss old wrappers and bottles into it. I wasn't really sure what to do with myself, though I couldn't seem to make myself stop staring.
"Anna!"
I jumped a little when I heard my name called. I turned back toward the house and saw Mom looking at me. Her hands were on her hips, but she didn't look to upset other than that. I rapidly tried to think of what I could have done this time.
"What?" I called back.
"You have vacuuming to do. Don't think your brother's going to protect you from it."
I'd actually forgotten about being told to vacuum earlier. If I'd remembered I probably would have sat behind the car instead of on it so that I couldn't be seen from the house. I gave Riley a regretful glance before hopping to my feet and trudging toward the house. He seemed mildly amused.
"I forgot," I mumbled as I passed Mom.
"Sure you did, honey. Funny how much worse your memory is about certain things."
I bit back a reply that would just get me in more trouble. I was in a good enough mood that I got the vacuum out and started working on the floors without further complaint or excuses. At least I was able to daydream about my brother while I did my chore.
An upside to the noise was that Mom couldn't lecture on the value of a strong work ethic me while I was busy. Granted, that was more Dad's thing anyway. Mom tended to be of the opinion that I liked to deliberately push them to see how much they'd give. I wasn't sure if I preferred being considered lazy, or a brat.
I was still able to see Riley out some of the windows as I vacuumed around them. The floor in those areas got a lot more attention than the rest did. Mom walked by once while I was going back and forth over the same piece of floor, but she didn't say anything. She just shook her head and kept moving. She probably didn't care if I wanted to be inefficient, just as long as I got it all done.
The whole process took longer than it should have, but I got it finished. I spent most of the time either thinking about Riley, or trying not to think about him. I wished I could have developed a crush on some other boy, one I didn't live with. That would have made it slightly easier to get him out of my mind, at least.
Against my better judgement, I immediately headed back outside when I was done with the vacuuming. Riley was still working on his car. There were small piles of things on the ground, and the garbage bag had become much fuller than when I'd left. It looked like he'd also gotten a bucket of water to wash down his windows.
"What'd you do, Anna, vacuum the ceilings too?"
He spared me a glance and a brief flash of a teasing grin.
"I wasn't that slow," I protested, even though it was a lie.
"I had time to almost finish before you got back. Seems pretty slow to me."
"What makes you think I came straight back? I have other stuff to do, you know."
"If that was true, then how come you're back at all?"
"Because... shut up. Because I didn't have that much to do. Just... some stuff."
Riley smirked and dropped his cloth into the soapy water in the bucket.
"If you want something to do, you could always go grab us some beers."
I frowned. "What do you mean us?"
He shrugged. "Or just get me one. Or do nothing. It's up to you."
I opened my mouth, then closed it. I looked back toward the house. Riley might drink occasionally around our parents, but I didn't. Even though it hadn't be specifically forbidden, I was under the impression that I wasn't yet allowed. Just because my brother didn't seem to care about the potential consequences didn't mean there wouldn't be any. I didn't want to pick a fight with Mom right now.
On the other hand...
Part of me was excited about the idea of sneaking around a little. Generally I didn't defy my parents just for fun, but I had to admit that sometimes the mere act of rebelling was enough to sway my choices. More importantly, it was an excuse to spend more time with Riley. I liked that I was old enough in his mind that he didn't hesitate about the idea of drinking with me.
"Fine," I said before I realized I'd come to my decision. "You better not tell Mom though."
"Why? 'Cause she might report her daughter for underage drinking? She won't care."
"If she doesn't know, she definitely won't."
Riley gave me a little smile and pulled his fingers across his lips to indicate he'd stay silent on the subject. That was good enough for me.
